Chapter 1: Make Your Own Giant Ball of Earth and Water

So you've decided to make a universe, and this is the chapter that will tell you how. We'll start with square one, shall we? Fill out the names of everything you're creating as you go. We'll magically fill it all in throughout the rest of the book. After all, we're gods, too.

Step 1: Create your planet

That pretty much says it all. But don't bother putting it into any specific shape just yet. We'll handle that later.

Planet name: Earth

Step 2: Create your heaven

Make a pimpin' crib fo' you and ya homies to chill. Okay, sorry, that was really bad. So basically, this heaven will be an invisible place where you and your angels will dwell for the rest of eternity. And people will go there when they die.

Step 3: Create light

The light is so you can actually see Earth and...ahem...admire your work. This is also where you come up with some magic words. Something like "lirrosinac" or "karstani" sounds really sweet and works well. But "Let there be..." does fine, too. Especially if you're not a particularly creative Creator.

Magic words: Let there be...

Step 4: Divide the light and the darkness

And name them both. The light you could call "daie" or something, and the darkness could be called "nyte" or something similar.

Light: Day

Darkness: Night

Step 5: Create a wall

After the first day and the first night (call the whole thing a day, too), put a wall between your heaven and Earth. 'Cause you don't want people coming into heaven when they have no business being there, do you?

Step 6: Shape the planet and create land

On the third day, get Earth into some sphere-like shape so that your creations aren't just floating around. And make some dry land. Don't ask why, just do it.

Step 7: Create plants

Trust us, you'll need 'em later.

Step 8: Shape the lights

On the fourth day, make a big light for the day and a smaller light for the night. I bet you were waiting for that. You must be blind with that light having no shape for so long. Oh, and make the stars, too. Actually, scratch that. The stars are already made. Just take the credit for it.

Day light: Sun

Night light: Moon

Step 9: Create animals

A bunch of animals. Walking animals, flying animals, swimming animals, animals that eat plants, animals that eat other animals, etc. And make about 300,000 species of beetles. This will take place on the fifth and sixth days.

List your animals: I don't have near as much time as God to write this all down, and I'm sure you don't want to read it, so I'll skip it.

Step 10: Create man

On the sixth day, once you're finished making animals, look in a mirror and make a man that looks like you. Only smaller. After you, this man will have control over all the animals.

Step 11: Create woman

You don't wanna bother creating every living being on Earth, so create females so that the animals themselves can multiply.

Step 12: Examine your work

Did you do a good job? Is everything good? If not, get rid of everything and repeat the process. If so, continue on to the next step.

Step 13: Rest

It's the seventh day, and you've finally created your universe. So give yourself a pat on the back, grab a beer and the TV remote, and relax.