Ryan had listened to Sandy, he'd filed the words into his head and he'd believed him.
He'd called Wendy and ended their 'relationship, explaining that Sandy had found out. She was reluctant, but understanding. She knew that this scandal could ruin his already weak chance at a scholarship so he hoped that she could keep it under wraps. He hoped. She didn't seem like the type to risk her job over a fling, but he couldn't really read her without seeing her in person. He'd have to wait for their weekly conference.
He got up early but today he wasn't headed to the hotel. He just wanted to keep the same routine going so Kirsten wouldn't be suspicious.
Sandy had promised not to tell Kirsten or Seth.
And Ryan believed him. As upset as Sandy had seemed for Ryan trying to help, he seemed more guilty for being out of touch.
Kirsten was in the kitchen when he walked in.
"Good, you're up, we have a meeting with Dr. Kim in twenty minutes," Kirsten said, holding out a cup of coffee to him.
"For what?" he asked, accepting the cup hesitantly. She was glaring at him.
"I don't know. But I have to say that I'm very interested," she said, turning to face him as he sat down.
He was uncomfortable around Kirsten lately and something was off about her today. More off than usual.
She was staring at him. "What?"
"You told Sandy that I wasn't going to work. Why would you do that? Now he's all worried and there's nothing for him to worry about, he's got enough on his plate right now with my Dad to have to deal with your unfounded accusations," she said.
"Sorry. I was out of line," he said automatically. He didn't touch the coffee. He didn't need it now.
Kirsten was really angry.
"You're right. You were out of line. Now, let's get going, I have lots to do today and this was the only time that Dr. Kim and I were both available to meet. Sandy's going to be in LA for the next few days so you're stuck with me."
Ryan put the cup in the sink and hurried after her.
Kirsten's face hadn't returned from its flushed state since Dr. Kim had spoken the words.
Ryan thought she might explode. Her face was that red.
"Ryan, is this true? Were you…having sex with the guidance counselor?" Kirsten demanded, turning to face him. She was livid.
"I guess there's no reason to deny it if Wendy's already confessed," Ryan stated.
"How could you do this? How could you risk everything that we've given you? Don't you have any respect for us at all? Do you have any idea what a scandal like this could do to my family?" Kirsten demanded.
"Mrs. Cohen…" Dr. Kim started.
Ryan didn't say anything. He let Kirsten's words roll off him.
"I just can't believe that you'd throw everything that we've given you away, after all that you went through this summer because you couldn't keep it in your pants, you go and do something like this…"
He'd been telling himself for weeks that Kirsten didn't mean to boss him around, that she didn't mean to seem like an employer, that she was just going through a rough time and she really did care about him, but now he had to face the fact that he was wrong. She was only tolerating him because Sandy wanted him there.
That was all.
Kirsten would always see him as the juvenile delinquent that burned down her father's house. A bad influence on her son.
He was good enough to work for her but that was all.
Strangely, it was like a weight was lifted off his shoulders.
She had never wanted him here. So she wouldn't keep him from walking away.
"I'll withdraw from Harbor," he said, interrupting her flow of words.
"What?" Dr. Kim asked, confused.
"It's the end of the fall semester. Mrs. Cohen should be able to get her tuition money back for the spring and I can enroll at Newport Union or somewhere without losing any credits. No scandal. You won't have to fire the guidance counselor," he said to Dr. Kim before turning to Kirsten. "And no one will have to see how I embarrass your family any more."
"Ryan, I'm not asking you to withdraw, you're one of our top students, you're going to be a competitor for valedictorian…" Dr. Kim started. "That's now why I called this meeting…"
"No, he's right," Kirsten said. She seemed to snap out of her rage slightly, calmer.
"Mrs. Cohen, don't you think that you need to discuss this with your husband?" Dr. Kim asked.
"I'm sure under these circumstances that he will agree. Are there papers that I need to sign?"
Ryan didn't say anything on the ride home and Kirsten was equally as silent. She was fuming.
He needed a new plan.
The scholarships weren't going to come through, he knew that much. No matter how much he'd worked, his criminal record and surely his Harbor transcript was officially going to wipe him off the map. He'd gotten two more rejections from Rosa yesterday.
And he knew now that he'd never ask the Cohens for anything again. Not after the spawn of Caleb had come out in Kirsten.
He hated that he was the one to turn her into her father.
"I'm very disappointed in you, Ryan. I just…I can't believe this."
Ryan nodded and got out of the car. "I'll get my books together."
He could enroll in Newport Union on Monday. Maybe even tomorrow, if Kirsten allowed him out of the house.
He could see now that by trying to make things better, that he'd only made them worse.
He started gathering up his textbooks once he was in the poolhouse. Maybe Kirsten could get a refund on them when she went to turn in his things tomorrow.
Sure, Seth might be upset, but he still had Summer and Zach.
Ryan would deal. He had two grand left in his nest egg from the summer in Chino.
Enough for a deposit on an apartment maybe? Not in Newport. And he didn't want to go back to Chino.
The more he thought about enrolling in school, the more outlandish it seemed. He wasn't going to go to college. He could take a test and get his GED. He didn't need a diploma.
Ryan finally realized what his instincts had been telling him from the beginning.
He didn't belong here.
Even if he was doing everything right, he didn't belong here.
Kirsten was enjoying her third glass of wine when the phone started to ring.
Professor Templeton was the first one. Then Dr. Harris. Then Mr. Davis, the notoriously strict calculus teacher. Then the coach and the assistant coach.
But the most surprising call was from her mentor, Dr. Lawrence.
Dr. Lawrence had been a defining force in her high school life, she'd influenced Kristen beyond all her other teachers.
All of them had pleaded with her to reconsider Ryan's withdrawal.
She had no idea that he'd been doing so well in his classes.
Even Dr. Kim's valedictorian comment had gone over her head in her anger.
But now, she was having definite second thoughts.
Sandy was going to kill her.
She went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. The groceries that Ryan had gotten for her. He always left the change and the receipt on the counter after he put them away.
She thought of the way he'd make breakfast on Rosa's day off. The way he was always willing to run errands without complaint, the way Seth would always end up leaving his chores for Ryan.
He wasn't a bad kid. He wasn't a burden.
He made mistakes, but he was just a kid.
She pulled out her phone. She needed to talk to Sandy now.
She couldn't do this by herself.
"Hello?"
"Sandy? It's Kirsten. I need you to come home."
"Is everyone okay?"
"We're all fine, but…"
"Kirsten. I miss you, too, but I'm doing this for you, to keep your father out of jail, I've got my life on hold to help the man that's made my life hell for years…"
Kirsten hung up the phone.
Seth burst into the poolhouse later that night. He stopped cold by the stack of textbooks. "Dude. Please tell me that you didn't get kicked out of school."
"I withdrew," Ryan replied flatly.
"What? Why? I mean, I heard the rumors, but…"
"I was fucking the guidance counselor. We agreed that it would be better for everyone if I just withdrew from Harbor and changed schools."
Seth's face was lined with worry. "But…"
"Seth. It's cool. I made a mistake and now I'm paying for it."
"She's the teacher, why are you being punished? Did you tell Mom?"
"She signed the papers. She agrees. It's for the best, Seth. And you have Summer and Zach and…"
"But, dude…"
Ryan met his gaze, forcing himself to stay calm. Seth barely gave him the time of day in school anymore. "We don't even have any classes together, or lunch. Nothing's going to change between us."
"And…you're okay with this? Dad's okay with this?"
"I'm sure your mom told him."
Seth sighed. "Well, at least, was it worth it?"
Ryan rolled his eyes.
"Dude, she's hot, it had to be awesome…"
"I'm not talking about this with you."
Kirsten got up early the next morning and found the textbooks on the counter in the kitchen.
Calculus. Physics. Advanced biology. AP English. AP history. AP chemistry.
She'd made a bad mistake.
The phone rang and she picked it up. "This is Kirsten."
"Kirsten, this is Dr. Kim. I just wanted to let you know more about the investigation. Miss Fisher has been fired from four schools in four different states for improper contact with students."
"What?"
"We ran a full background check, but the schools didn't file formal complaints so until we contacted them individually, the reasons for her leaving weren't disclosed. I haven't filed Ryan's withdrawal papers and I'm hoping that you'll accept my apologies and reconsider. Have you talked to your husband?"
"He's out of town until next week."
"Mrs. Cohen, I understand why you're upset, but I don't think all the blame should be put on Ryan. He's made amazing progress this year, he's one of our top students and we really don't want to lose him. Please. Give Harbor another chance."
Ryan bought the pack of cigarettes with his fake ID, not the cheap one that Seth had given him, but the real one that he'd scored back in Chino for the summer.
Since he wasn't pretending to be a Newport golden boy, he could smoke.
And he'd had a good day so far. Riding his bike sucked but he'd already found an apartment within walking distance of the community college and signed up to take his GED exam in a couple of weeks.
His funds were running low, but he'd put down a deposit on the apartment and ordered a bed and loveseat for furniture.
Now, he just needed a job.
He pushed his bike beside him and spotted the Help Wanted sign in the garage a few blocks from the apartment.
Maybe he could make a fresh start for himself this time. Maybe he could change his luck now that he was really on his own.
He was tired of worrying about other people.
He knew he could take care of himself, it was taking care of other people that had fucked his life up so much.
It was only about half an hour from Newport by bike so he knew that he'd still see Seth.
Maybe Kirsten would still let him come over for dinner sometimes so he could see Sandy.
He leaned his bike against the building and went inside for an application.
Kirsten was eating lunch when Ryan returned, walking into the house quietly.
"Where have you been?" she asked.
"I needed to make some arrangements," he replied.
"We need to talk," she said, nodding for him to sit down.
He took the seat beside her at the counter. "Yeah. I think we do."
"Ryan…"
"Can I go first? Before you start in about how much I've complicated things? I can uncomplicate them."
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
He put a stack of papers on the counter. "I'm going to move out."
She felt the air get sucked out of her lungs.
"Since you guys let me go last summer, I hope it won't be an issue this time. Especially since I don't want to cause any more gossip for you to handle. This way, I'm no longer your problem, no longer your baggage. I'll never be able to repay you or Sandy for what you've done for me, given me a place to live, a new chance at life. But I messed up. I can't put my issues on your family anymore. It's time for me to go."
"Go?" she whispered.
"Yeah. I got a place, an apartment. I can move in next week. And I got a job and my school lined up. If you'll let me stay until Monday, I'll be out of your hair. If you want me to leave before that, I can handle it. But it's time that I do something good for your family."
Kirsten burst into tears.
This was not what she wanted. This was not what she needed.
This was wrong.
By the time she had recovered from her outburst, Ryan had left the kitchen.
Ryan packed two bags of clothes. He hoped that Kirsten wouldn't get upset that he'd taken some of the clothes that she'd bought for him but no one else could wear them and she had more than enough to donate to the Salvation Army.
He was amazed at how much stuff he'd accumulated in his time with the Cohens and how little he actually felt that he could take with him.
As soon as she'd started to cry, he'd left the kitchen.
He had to admit that he was a little surprised at her tears. He thought that she'd be happy that he was moving out. As angry as she was about Wendy, he'd assumed she'd agree right away.
He shouldn't have gone inside at all.
He shouldn't have told her so soon. He should have waited until the day he could move in.
Now he'd have to spend the sparse amount of money left in his account for a hotel room.
But he'd manage. He shouldered his bags and turned to leave.
"Ryan. You're not going anywhere," Kirsten said, standing in the doorway to the poolhouse.
"What?"
"I won't let you leave." She paused. "Not until Sandy gets home. We have to talk about this. As a family…"
"As a family," he repeated. Was she talking to him?
"Yes."
Ryan met her gaze steadily. "I have never been a member of your family. That was never promised to me."
"You are a part of this family."
"No, I'm not. Mrs. Cohen, I'm doing this for your family."
"If that's true, then you'll stay. Talk to Sandy…" she pleaded, close to crying again.
"I'm talking to you," he said after a beat. "Sandy knew about Mrs. Fisher. He busted me before he went back to LA. He told me to start doing things for myself and to stop worrying about other people. I'm trying to do that. Excuse me," he said, stepping around her and heading for his bike.
He needed to get out of here before he changed his mind.
"Sandy?"
"Hi, honey. Are you talking to me again?" he asked, upbeat. He'd had a good day in court. He might be able to keep Caleb out of jail after all.
"You have to come home. Now. Forget my father and think about your own family for a moment. My dad can take care of himself. But I need you home."
"Kirsten…"
"Ryan moved out today."
He listened to the dial tone in silence.
"I can't believe this," Seth was saying when Sandy rushed into the kitchen. He drove like a maniac to make it home and it was after midnight.
"Kirsten? Seth? What's wrong? What's happened?"
Kirsten's face was still wet with tears and Seth walked out of the room, silent for once.
"Kirsten?"
"It's all my fault…he's gone…and it's all my fault…" she sobbed when he put his arms around her.
"Honey…" he started, startled by her
"Ryan…I lost him…I…I made a mistake…"
Ryan stretched out on the bed in the hotel and crossed his arms behind his head.
He was on his own again.
He took a deep breath.
But at least this time, he didn't have anyone else to worry about. No one to take care of but himself.
Kirsten had surprised him by asking him to stay, but he knew that Sandy wasn't going to be happy with her.
She was just trying to protect her relationship with her husband. He didn't blame her.
But Ryan would talk to Sandy. He'd explain everything, why he had to leave, explain that it wasn't Kirsten's fault, that he'd done it for the family. Sandy would understand.
He knew that he wasn't eighteen and that Sandy could report him as a runaway, but he didn't think Sandy would risk sending him back to juvie.
Sandy wasn't that kind of guy.
Tonight, he'd finally get some sleep.
Sandy was silent.
Kirsten had stopped talking a few moments before but he still couldn't put his feelings into words.
"Sandy…please…say something…"
"You are not the woman I married," he said finally.
She gasped.
"If you didn't want Ryan here…"
"I do!"
"Really? Then where is he?" Sandy asked, as calmly as he could manage. "But a better question is, if it had been Seth that had gotten caught fucking the guidance counselor would you have done the same thing?"
Kirsten didn't speak but the tears continued to run down her face.
"No, because Seth's your son. And you've never considered Ryan a member of this family. What was it, your Dad? What did Ryan do that made you do this?"
"Nothing, Sandy, it was a mistake, I didn't know…"
"You didn't care," Sandy snapped. "You knew, you're not a child, you're a grown woman and you didn't care about the kid we signed on to protect." He got up and walked out of the kitchen.
"Sandy? Sandy, what are you going to do?" Kirsten followed him, frantic, she grabbed his arm before he could get to the bedroom.
"I'm going to find Ryan."
"And bring him home?" she asked.
He met her gaze, not letting her tears affect him. "What home?"
Ryan rolled over and glanced at the alarm clock. Noon. Nice.
No school.
He could get used to this.
He'd gotten the job at the garage and he'd start on Monday.
It seemed like a good job. The guy that ran it was an older man whose sons were leaving for college and he needed replacements. It had been through two generations and the man seemed legit.
It was really surreal.
Last week he'd been the epitome of a good son, apart from his fling with the older woman, but he'd been a straight-A, non-troublemaking kid.
He didn't intend to start troublemaking anytime soon, but he had to admit that he wasn't as upset about his loss of the poolhouse as he should've been.
He was tired.
Newport made him tired.
He rolled over and closed his eyes. He could sleep more.
But he needed to call Seth.
Make sure Seth wasn't mad at his mom. Wasn't mad at him. Wasn't going to sail off into oblivion again.
He sat up in bed, tucking the comforter around him as he moved the phone to set on the bed. He dialed Seth's cell phone number.
"Hello?"
"Seth?"
"No. Ryan?"
"Sandy?" Ryan asked in surprise, questioning his dialing.
"I had all of Seth's calls forwarded to my phone. Where are you?"
Ryan hesitated, unable to gauge Sandy's reaction over the phone. "At a hotel."
"Where? I…We need to talk. We need to have a long talk."
Ryan knew it. He was just hoping to postpone it.
"I can't take back what Kirsten's done…but I need to see you for myself. I need to talk to you."
"I'm at the Days Inn on the coast. A couple of blocks down…"
"I know where it is. I'm in room 528."
"What?"
"Kirsten…she didn't just let you down. She let me down, too. What room are you in?"
"You're staying at the Days Inn?" Ryan asked.
"I didn't want her to find me right away. Nothing better than a low rent hotel to distract her. If she's looking for me at all."
"Sandy. I'm in 421. I'll start some coffee."
Kirsten was sitting in the kitchen when Seth entered, dressed for school even though it was afternoon.
Seth sat down beside her.
"Seth…" she began but he held up his hand to stop her.
"I consider him my brother. I thought that was enough to make you love him. I see now that I was wrong. But I just don't understand how I could've been so wrong about you."
She looked at him, pale. Seth was her son.
"You were the best mom that I could have ever asked for. I know I took you for granted, but…after meeting Ryan's mom…I really wanted you to love him and see him like Dad and me see him. I really wanted him to have a second chance and you just…you don't see it. You never saw it. You're just like Grandpa, you don't think that he's ever going to be worth anything…because of his history…"
"Seth, that's not true…"
"Isn't it?" Seth responded. "Ryan has worked his ass off, Mom. He's changed, he's changed because of us, he's done everything right and you screwed him…you let him walk out of school, the school that he's earned the right to go to, he's gotten better grades than I ever have, he's helped me more than I could ever have imagined and you let him walk out of her like he was nothing. I…I love you, mom, but I don't know if I will ever understand what you did."
"Seth…I…I was upset…I heard that Ryan had an affair with the counselor and…"
"And you automatically assumed that he had seduced her. God. You know him…you're not some random Newpsie, you know him…Ryan…he's…he's attractive, even my girlfriend would agree, but…seriously…" Seth stammered.
"I made a mistake," she said suddenly. "Don't you think I know that? I said things to Ryan that no one should say. I said unforgivable things, and Sandy's not even willing to be in the house with me, don't you think I know what I've done?"
"Sandy? You're worried about Dad? Right now, the last person you should be worrying about is Dad. Ryan. His name is Ryan. My brother, Dad's son. The guy that lived in the poolhouse that would lay down his life for anyone named 'Cohen', that's who's important here. Ryan…" Seth said in a rush of words.
"Seth…"
"No. I'm going upstairs before I have time to think about this."
"You don't have to leave," Sandy said quietly.
Ryan was startled by Sandy's opening words. He stepped aside and let Sandy inside his room.
"Ryan…I'm sorry. For everything…"
"You don't have anything to be sorry for. All of this…"
"It's not your fault," Ryan replied automatically, turning to close the door but halting at the appearance of the bellboy.
"Breakfast," the kid said. Ryan took the rolling cart from him and pushed it into the room, giving the kid the last five-dollar bill from his wallet.
"Enjoy," the kid said, closing the door behind him.
Sandy and Ryan were alone.
"I charged it to my room," Sandy said. "Sit down."
Ryan didn't sit down. He walked over to stand in front of Sandy. "What's going on?"
"I don't know. I won't know until you sit down and tell me."
"Didn't Kirsten tell you?"
"I want to hear it from you. You withdrew from Harbor?"
"Wendy told. Dr. Kim called Kirsten in for a conference," Ryan admitted. "And…"
"Kirsten snapped, I know that much," Sandy said, accepting a bagel from the fully stocked tray that he'd ordered. Ryan poured two cups of coffee from the counter.
He sat down beside Sandy on the bed, within reach, but out of striking distance. He didn't think that Sandy would hit him, but he knew that a hug was probably going to be in his future.
"Ryan?"
"She didn't do anything wrong. I don't want you to be mad at Kirsten.""
"You left…"
"One of the last things you said to me was that I needed to start doing things for me, and not for other people…and this is what's best for me right now. Kirsten was angry, she was worried about what people were going to think and as long as I'm on her property, people are going to talk. At least this way, she can get back to her life…"
"So, even though you say you're doing this for yourself, you just said that you were doing it for Kirsten."
Ryan sighed. "Is it that hard to understand? I'm tired, Sandy. I'm tired of working my ass off for nothing. I'm not going to get a scholarship, I don't belong in private school, I'm tired of taking insults and abuse from people that hate me just because of where I'm from, I'm just tired. I'm sorry that I couldn't make it work…"
"Ryan, I…I know that this is hard for you…"
"I left everything behind Sandy. I spent the majority of my first 16 years taking care of my drunk mom and then you brought me here, promised that I wouldn't have to do that anymore…and I know that you were hurt when I went with Teresa this summer…but god, at least she knows me. She was family to me long before you came along…and I walked away from her for this," Ryan said slowly.
"God. Ryan…"
"I wanted it to work, Sandy. I wanted to be a part of your family. You have always done right by me. You have never let me down. Seth…Seth's always going to be a part of my life. But I don't want to come back."
"So…you're just giving up on school, giving up on your future?" Sandy asked quietly.
"Not at all. I know now that I'm worth something. I know now that I can do anything I put my mind to," Ryan said. "I've signed up to get my GED…"
"You're not going to graduate?"
"Listen, Sandy…I can get my GED, almost immediately. I've got a job already, I'll start on Monday. And…I've got an apartment. I want to do something that I like to do. I like to work with my hands, I like fixing things..."
"Ryan…"
"Please. Just…I want you to understand that I'm not doing this to hurt you, I really need to move on with my life. I need to start being my own person instead of being what people want me to be. Even you. You want me to be something I'm not."
Ryan didn't flinch when Sandy put his arm around him. He was prepared for it.
"You have never disappointed me, kid. Even now, I can see how special you are, you found a place to live, got a job, made plans in just a few days. You never fail to surprise me," Sandy sighed.
"And you're not mad?"
"I'm not mad. I'm very, very sad, though."
"Are you sure you don't want to go home first? At least try and talk to Kirsten?" Ryan asked as they got ready to leave the room.
"Not right now. I need some time to think. We all need some space sometimes. It's okay. Now, while I go get the car, why don't you call Seth and see if he wants to meet us after school?"
"Why?" Ryan asked.
"Because. You're moving in on Monday, you're going to need a few more things than a couch and a bed."
Ryan shook his head. "Sandy, I can't…"
"Ryan, don't make this about money, all right? You're my kid now, and I want to help you get settled. You've already done the hard stuff, but you're going to need things. And when I come over to visit, I'm going to want to be comfortable. Got it?"
He sighed but nodded with a smirk. It would help to have a little financial support.
And it was Sandy offering it.
He felt bad about leaving after Sandy had tried so hard to make a home for him but he felt better now that Sandy had understood his reasons for leaving.
Sandy held out his phone and walked toward the parking lot.
"Dad?" Seth answered immediately.
"Hey. It's Ryan."
"Ryan? God, man…"
"I tried to call you this morning and I got your dad instead, I'm using his phone…"
"Are you coming home?"
"Seth…we have to talk. Your dad's taking me shopping…"
"Wait, I thought things were surreal before, but Dad's taking you shopping? What the hell is going on with my family?"
"For my new apartment. Do you want to come with us?"
Seth was silent. "Dad's okay with you getting an apartment? What the hell, man?"
"We talked. He's not real happy about it, he's pretty upset…but he's letting me do what I need to do."
"Is there any way I can change your mind?" Seth asked.
"I'm sorry, Seth. It's not because of you…"
"I know, it's mom…"
"No, it's not her either. It's Newport. It's everything…I need to do this, Seth."
"You'll explain it to me, right?"
"I'll try," Ryan promised, relieved that Seth wasn't more upset.
"Do you want a roommate?"
Ryan smiled. "Dude, I don't have a dishwasher and I've never seen you even pick up a dirty plate unless it was to put more food on it. And your parents would really never forgive me then. But you'll always be welcome to come over."
"Yeah? Can me and Summer use your house when the 'rents are home?"
"I don't think so, Seth. It'd be different if you knew how to change the sheets."
"Good point. I'll ask Summer."
"No, dude," Ryan laughed. "Listen, Sandy's taking me to the mall, do you want to meet us there?"
"Yeah. I'll call Dad when I get there so we can meet up. Thanks for calling, Ryan. I was worried. Everything…everything's so messed up and I didn't even see it coming."
"I'll see you soon."
Kirsten had the cordless phone and her cell phone sitting on one side of her and the bottle of wine on the other.
She hadn't opened the bottle yet, but she had it.
It was her armor.
Her father, the one person that she'd always been told to depend on had betrayed her. The company that he'd built from the ground up was based on lies and manipulation.
He deserved to go to jail and she'd sent her husband to save him. Sent Sandy to save a man that had built his life on lies.
And she'd lost him. She'd finally pushed Sandy too far.
She'd tried to be a good wife. She loved him, god, she loved him more than anything.
She'd do anything for Sandy.
But she'd failed.
When Ryan left for Chino last summer, she'd forced herself to shut him out of her heart.
She'd loved him. Too much.
But she had to let him go. Let him take care of his child.
She could still remember her mother's face when she'd told her that she was pregnant with Jimmy's baby when she was seventeen. Her mother had quietly said that she shouldn't tell anyone and that she'd make the appointment for her.
No argument, no discussion, just a doctor's appointment and it was all over.
Ryan was supposed to do what she couldn't. He had walked away from their money, from the people that were supposed to be his family to raise a child.
She'd severed all ties with him because it hurt too much to watch him struggle.
But Seth had gone, too and even though it wasn't Ryan's fault…the two events would always be linked in her mind.
Then they'd both come home.
And she couldn't act like nothing had changed. Ryan had left her, he'd fractured her family and he walked back in like nothing had happened.
Like he didn't even care that his child had died.
She'd killed her child. But at least she had cared.
Now she didn't know what to do, how to feel. Her husband wasn't taking her calls, Sandy was going to leave her over this.
She could feel it.
There was nothing that she could do to make it right.
Ryan had taken him from her, too.
It wasn't fair.
"Sandy?" Kirsten sat up abruptly, disoriented at first before recognizing that she was sitting on the couch.
"I thought you'd be at work," he replied flatly.
"I was waiting for you," she whispered. She'd been waiting all night. Again. "Seth's not home…"
"He's staying with Ryan tonight, he'll be home tomorrow morning."
"Ryan? You found him?" God…she was so relieved. Sandy wouldn't hate her if Ryan was safe. She could convince him to come home. He'd forgive her, she'd make it up to him, to them both…
"We need to talk," Sandy said, sitting down in the separate armchair.
"Sandy, I'm sorry. I'll…"
"I'm not the person you should be apologizing to. But…I wish you had told me the truth. I wish you wouldn't have pretended to want him here…"
"I did want him here…I do," she stammered. This wasn't the way the conversation was supposed to go. He was supposed to let her back in and they were supposed to work together to get Ryan back.
"You didn't care about his education, about all the things he did for this family…"
"Sandy…"
"I'm not walking out of this relationship, Kirsten, of this family. I love you. You allowed Ryan to stay here to make me happy. Well, I'm letting him go to make you happy. Sacrifice is supposed to make a marriage stronger."
"It wasn't a sacrifice to have him here, Sandy…I made a mistake…"
"I guess we all did," he said coldly.
Kirsten could feel the hurt in his words.
She didn't know what to do.
"Dude. So…I'm sorry. For not having your back lately. I just got caught up in…everything. I'm a shitty brother." Seth was hesitant from his perch at the hotel's room's small table.
Ryan smiled. "Good thing you're not my brother. Dude, you're my best friend and for one of the first times since I met you, you're actually happy. Me moving out, it has nothing to do with you, believe it or not."
"But if I had talked to mom…"
"Seth. Don't blame your mom for this. Please."
"She didn't even fight for you, dude, of course this is her fault…"
"No, Seth. It's my fault. For trying to be something I'm not. I don't belong at Harbor…"
Seth scoffed. "The phone's been blowing up with teachers calling for Mom. Dean Kim has even offered to waive your tuition if you come back…"
"I don't need school," Ryan said. "I've applied for scholarships, Seth, and I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to get one. And your parents…"
"Will totally pay for you to go to college," Seth finished.
"Seth. Can you just respect that I need to do this?" Ryan asked.
Seth opened his mouth to speak but stopped, nodding solemnly. "I guess. You know I'm going to be at your house all the time…"
"I know," Ryan said, rolling his eyes dramatically. Seth shoved him with a laugh.
Ryan had been gone seven days and Kirsten couldn't take it anymore. Seth still wasn't talking to her, other than asking for money to put gas in Summer's car and Sandy was still sleeping on the couch.
At least Sandy was talking to her, though.
She knew that she had to do something.
If she could get Ryan to move back in with them, then she could convince him to go back to school.
She realized now that Ryan was as much a part of her family as Seth or Sandy.
She missed him.
And she'd do anything to get him back.
She glanced at the directions she'd printed off before tucking them into her purse and grabbing her keys.
Ryan waved at his boss as he climbed into Summer's car.
"Dude, what took you so long?" Seth groaned, turning to grin at him from the front seat.
"I was working, dude," Ryan sighed.
"Shut up, Cohen, we were only waiting a few minutes," Summer said. "He's pissed that he doesn't have any cds in the car," she explained.
"I get it. So, what's the occasion tonight?" Ryan asked. He was seeing more of Seth now that when he'd lived with him.
"I have this killer test in bio tomorrow and the stepmonster is having some kind of cocktail party and Cohen gets all twitchy at home," Summer said.
"You're coming to my house to study?" Ryan scoffed.
"I do not get all twitchy," Seth replied, feigning insult.
"He's still not talking to his mom," Summer told Ryan in the rear view mirror.
"Dude, you've got to let it go," Ryan said.
"No, I don't. She's being stupid. You shouldn't be working, I know, you say it's what you want, blah blah, but it doesn't make it right," Seth said.
"She's your mom, Seth," Ryan said. "She loves you. She…she might not always be around for you to talk to."
"That's what I keep saying," Summer murmured. "She made a mistake, Cohen, but she's human. You're definitely not perfect."
Seth ignored them, staring out the window.
"Whatever. I'm making corn dogs for dinner," Ryan said as Summer parked outside his apartment.
"Ooh, ghetto gourmet, I can't wait," Summer teased.
"You don't have to eat it," Ryan replied, wondering when Summer decided to start channeling her boyfriend.
"No, she has to eat it," Seth said. "It'll be hot, come on, Summer…Summer?"
Kirsten knocked on the door of the garage's office and was surprised at the elderly man that answered the door.
"Can I help you with something?"
"Does Ryan Atwood work here?" she asked.
"Yes, but he's off for the day. He'll be back tomorrow."
"Actually, I wanted to talk to you. I would like to make you an offer. Can I come in?" Kirsten asked.
The man stepped aside and she walked in, sitting down on the folding chair in front of his desk. "Is he in some kind of trouble?"
"No, not at all. But I'm here to make sure it stays that way. Ryan is my foster son. We had an argument and he moved out and due to circumstances beyond my control, my husband is allowing it. But Ryan needs to be in school. He needs to be in a stable environment, not on his own working a full time job."
The man studied her. "How exactly can I help you?"
She pulled out her checkbook. "I'm willing to pay you the worth of your business if you'll release him from his contract," she said.
"You want me to fire him," the man rephrased.
"Well. Yes. I need to convince him to come home."
"Why don't you try talking to him? He seems to be a good kid, a smart kid."
Kirsten frowned. "Double the worth of your shop."
Ryan was relaxing on his couch with the stereo playing one of Seth's donated cds when his cell phone rang. He recognized his boss' number.
"Hello?"
"Ryan. I hate to do this to you, but I've got some bad news."
Ryan sat up. "Yeah? What's wrong?"
"I'm closing the shop down for a few months to remodel. I'm upgrading everything, I've come into some money and I'm finally able to do everything that I've ever wanted. But I'm not going to be needing you anymore."
"Oh. All right. Good luck, I guess," Ryan said, stunned.
"You're a good kid. You've got a family that really cares about you. Good luck."
Ryan listened to the dial tone.
What did his boss know about his family?
Kirsten had been surprised when Seth had greeted her before he went to school. Her son had apologized to her and even Sandy had the presence of mind to be stunned.
"I guess that means I'm next," Sandy said, walking into the bedroom as she finished putting on her earrings.
"Next?" she asked, looking up at him.
"I'm sorry for being angry."
"I'm sorrier," she replied. "But I'll do whatever I can to make it right again."
"I know. Even though Ryan's not here, he's still a part of our family. I wish things could've been different but we can't change what's happened. We can just go forward," Sandy said.
The doorbell rang and they were both surprised.
"I wonder who that could be this early," she said, leading him to the door.
Ryan was waiting outside, a blank expression on his face.
"Hey, kid," Sandy's said, his face breaking into a smile. "What's the occasion?"
"Can we talk? Like, the three of us?" Ryan asked, motioning toward her.
"Sure, come in. You don't have to ring the doorbell," she said. She needed to get her composure.
Ryan glanced at her curiously, but stepped inside.
"What's wrong? You seem upset," Sandy said.
She wished she could read Ryan as well as her husband could.
"I am, actually. I got fired. Or laid off. Turns out that the boss came into a large amount of money. Suddenly," Ryan said and his gaze finds hers.
"What? Ryan…" Sandy stammered, confused. "You think we had something to do with this?"
It's like Ryan is looking right through her.
"No. I think she had something to do with it. Why would you do this to me? I mean, I get that you're mad but I don't understand why you'd deliberately sabotage my job like this," Ryan said.
"It's not…"
"Kirsten," Sandy whispered, hurt evident on his face. "Is it true?"
"I need you to come home. I'm sorry…" she started.
Ryan shook his head at her. "Fine, you're sorry, but that doesn't explain why you'd do this. I needed that job. It was a good job. I had everything in order…"
"You should be home," Kirsten stated.
"That wasn't the way," Sandy muttered, running his hand through his hair.
"If you want to apologize, you could have come to me. Instead of going behind my back and paying off my boss," Ryan said, his face visibly controlled but the hurt flashing in his deep blue eyes.
"I don't know what to do to make you forgive me…"
"I can't change the way you feel. I wanted to stay close to Seth, to Sandy, but all you're doing is forcing me to cut all my ties. I don't want to do that, I'm trying not to do that, but…" Ryan started.
"This has gone far enough," Sandy said suddenly. "We're going into the kitchen and we're going to sit down and discuss this as a family…"
"No," Ryan said. "Families don't act like this. Or at least they're not supposed to. I'm sorry for ruining your family, Kirsten, I was trying to make things better but this…this hurts." He turned and walked out of the house before she could stop him.
"God," Sandy muttered, rushing after him.
Ryan opened the door with the chain on. He hadn't expected Kirsten.
"Can I come in? I…I brought bagels."
"That doesn't work here."
"Um, I also brought pop tarts," she said nervously. "Please?"
Ryan closed the door. He didn't want to do this.
She knocked.
He unchained the door and swung it open, stepping aside to let her inside.
"This…this is a nice place…" she said quietly.
"Sandy helped a lot," Ryan replied.
"I think we need to talk."
"Do you need to talk to my landlord first? See if you can sabotage my lease, too? Need the college's admissions office?"
"College?"
"For my G.E.D."
"Ryan, you have to go back to Harbor…you have so much promise…" she started.
He held up his hand to stop her, shaking his head.
She held the bag of bagels tightly and he had never seen her so unsettled. "Can we talk?"
"I don't know. Can we?" Ryan replied.
"Yes. I need to find a way to make things right between us."
Ryan stared at her, unsure of what to say.
"Please. Seth and Sandy…for their sakes, at least. You don't owe me anything at this point."
Ryan led her into the small kitchen and busied himself at the coffeepot. "I'm listening."
Kirsten was quiet for a long moment. "That's my problem. I didn't listen. I didn't see. I got so caught up in my own problems that I discounted all the other problems that you and everyone else were going through. And when I found out about the guidance counselor…I assumed the worst. I didn't know you'd talked to Sandy."
"I didn't tell you. I'd already disappointed him," Ryan replied.
"No, you worried him. And I was too self-absorbed for him to confide in me. He was helping my father because of me and now, it's like he lost you because of me, too. Lately, all I've managed to do is hurt my family."
"I didn't leave to make things more complicated for you. I left for the opposite reason," Ryan said.
"Sit down, please…I need you to know I'm serious."
Ryan poured her a cup of coffee and carried his own to the opposite end of the counter.
She glanced at her cup and her eyes filled with tears. "You know how I take my coffee and I don't even know your middle name."
"I didn't ask you to be my mother. I am grateful to your family, I never meant to hurt them."
"You have never hurt my family."
"Intentionally, you mean," Ryan said.
Kirsten sighed. "Ryan…Sandy told me what you'd been doing. Taking care of everything, being nonobtrusive…you should have never been put in that position."
"This is all nice and everything, but it doesn't explain why you'd sabotage my job. Why you'd make things harder for my by getting me laid off."
"I…I wanted you to come home."
"You wanted me to fail," Ryan stated.
"I need you back."
"You had me back," Ryan replied.
Kirsten lowered her gaze. "After I saw you defend me in juvenile hall…after Seth told me how you defended him from the jocks…and after Oliver Trask…I saw what a special, loyal kid you were…and then you took responsibility and went with Theresa…you did something I couldn't…"
Ryan was lost.
"I had an abortion. I terminated my baby because I couldn't deal with disappointing my father, with losing my social status…
"I don't understand," Ryan admitted. What did this have to do with anything?
"But you came back, Ryan. And…and you didn't seem to care that your baby died…" Kirsten said.
Ryan blanched, anger flickering in his eyes before his face went blank. "How can you say that to me? No one ever asked how I felt, no one saw me dialing Theresa's number or ordering flowers or writing letters, so I guess they didn't really happened, right? No one wanted to hear about my summer."
"But…"
"But nothing. I felt like I wasn't allowed to be upset. All I heard from anyone was how I was ruining my life supporting a baby at 17, for dropping out of school so I could make a life for a child. I was supposed to be relieved and it wasn't polite conversation around your house," Ryan snapped.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I don't know you like I know Seth and Sandy, I can't…I can't read you…"
"SO you were punishing me for not mourning according to your standards," Ryan said, chilled.
"God, I hope not…I just…I feel like I'm numb, like losing you and Seth for a whole summer made me into a different person…"
Ryan was silent. He had no idea where this conversation was headed.
"I haven't been thinking clearly and I've taken it out on you. I haven't been rational."
Ryan shrugged. "Well, that's all behind us. I have moved out of your house. I am officially out of your life."
"That is unacceptable. You will never be out of my life. I was disconnected, not letting myself get attached to you again so I wouldn't be hurt if you left me again…because it hurt so much the last time that I didn't think I could handle it again."
That seemed really stupid to Ryan since her indifference to him had been a major reason for him moving out.
"Ryan…the worst part about all of this is that I don't have an excuse for my actions. Nothing that I say is going to change what I've done or make any of this up to you."
"Then why are you here?" he asked.
"Because I have to try. For Sandy and Seth. For you. I've made mistakes and I'm asking you to forgive me. Give me another chance."
There was a knock on the door and Ryan got up to answer it.
"Can we talk?" Sandy asked as soon as he opened the door.
Ryan stepped aside so Sandy could see Kirsten sitting at the counter.
"Oh. Are you okay?" Sandy asked Ryan quietly.
"She wanted to talk. I let her in. I have coffee," Ryan said.
Kirsten's gaze locked with Sandy's and she seemed to hesitate. "I brought bagels."
"Well, at least you've learned a few things from me," Sandy said dryly.
"Should I call Seth? Make this a family meeting?" Ryan asked, breaking the silence.
"I'm here to ask for forgiveness. To try and keep Ryan in our lives," Kirsten told Sandy.
"Ryan will always be in our lives," Sandy replied.
"I'm going to let you guys talk. I need to think. I'll be back in a few minutes," Ryan said.
"Sandy, I didn't come here to make things any worse, I came because nothing is going to get better until Ryan and I make peace."
"I just wish I knew why this happened in the first place. How I could've prevented this…"
"It's…it's my fault, Sandy. I…I've been blaming Ryan for things that have nothing to do with him, it's like I've been putting all this anger that should've been directed at myself at him instead. He's not Seth, he's not you, I can't read him like I can you guys…he's different," Kirsten said, needing to explain everything to him now that she'd finally put it into words for Ryan. She needed him to support her.
"Kirsten…"
"I thought that he didn't care about Teresa losing the baby," she said
"What?" Sandy asked, blinking at her.
"I thought that…because he didn't say anything, or seem upset, that he didn't care," she admitted again.
"Kirsten…he's seventeen years old. Do you think he would have left Harbor, left us if he didn't care about the baby? God, Kirsten…I mean, it's like, it's like you don't even know him! And it's like I don't even know you!" Sandy exclaimed, pale. "He didn't say anything because…he obviously didn't feel comfortable sharing his emotions with us…god, it was like he was scared to mention Teresa around me when I'd go see him in Chino…he didn't want us to blame her…"
"I know…I…I haven't been thinking straight. For a while now. It's like the boys were gone all summer, and I missed them so much…" she started.
Sandy sighed, rubbing his eyes. "No, Kirsten. You missed Seth. You didn't call Ryan, you didn't go visit him in Chino. You didn't even acknowledge the baby. Did you even have a conversation with him after he left? I mean, I knew you were upset, but did Ryan know you were upset?"
"I think…I think I detached myself from what I was really feeling…" Kirsten said. "Please, I need you to understand…"
"I'm trying…but I can't get past how you could treat Ryan like this."
Kirsten sighed. "I made a mistake. A lot of them. I thought you were all about the second chances…because I really need one of those right now…"
Ryan took a deep breath and pushed open the door to his apartment.
He'd walked to the little corner grocery and sat on the bus bench in front for a while, smoking and thinking about how getting arrested for stealing a car in Chino had landed him here with a whole new set of family complications.
Kirsten and Sandy were sitting at the counter of his tiny kitchen and they both looked up at him with relief in their eyes.
"I guess we should probably try to work this out, once and for all," he said, leaning against the opposite counter and wrapping his fingers around the solid edge behind his back.
"All cards out?" Sandy asked him, his gaze steady.
"Yeah."
"I want you to go back to school. Harbor, or another school if you want, but I want you to have a high school diploma. You have worked too hard to settle for a GED," Sandy said.
Ryan nodded. It was a valid point. He was only a semester away.
Getting his GED had been as much of a money decision as it had been an easy way to keep Sandy off his back while he worked a full time job. If they were willing to pay for him to finish school, he'd take it.
"Harbor?" Kirsten asked quietly, her eyes glistening with emotion.
"I want to keep the apartment. I signed a three month agreement," Ryan replied.
Kirsten opened her mouth to speak, but turned to Sandy before saying anything.
Ryan saw the way she was holding his hand. He was glad that they were reconciling. It was like the universe was off-kilter when Sandy and Kirsten were at odds.
"I think I might have blown things out of proportion. I had a lot on my mind, and I didn't really get a vibe that it would be this huge of a thing if I left," Ryan said. He'd tried to gather the words he needed to explain. He needed to start figuring this Cohen stuff out instead of running. They weren't going to let him go. His internal need to fix things was taking over. He'd made things worse by moving out.
He'd never done anything right the first try.
"You didn't think you mattered to us," Sandy replied.
Ryan shrugged. "Well, if Wendy and I hadn't gotten caught, we wouldn't be here right now. I feel like there are standards that I have to strive for at your house and I can't meet those standards. I've tried my best. I am tired of always being a disappointment."
"You're not a disappointment," Sandy insisted.
Ryan shook his head. "Sandy, you say the words, but I need more than words. People have been saying things to me my whole life, but they don't mean anything unless the actions back them up. I made straight A's, I didn't ask you guys for money, I do everything that Seth asks me to do…but it doesn't matter." He turned his attention to Kirsten. "You still judge me the same way you did when I first came here. I've tried to prove that I'm more than a juvenile delinquent to you, but when I make a mistake, I'm already convicted."
"I am asking you for a second chance," Kirsten whispered.
"You're asking me for a second chance now. You're coming to me now, after you've already taken away all my exits. You deliberately set me up to fail so I'd have to come crawling back to you, so you could turn the tables so I wouldn't have any other choice," Ryan said suddenly.
"I tricked you. Instead of being honest and trying to explain myself to you, to beg for your forgiveness, I betrayed you. I didn't think it would make a difference if I talked to you, I thought the only way I could get you to come home would be if you couldn't afford to keep your apartment," Kirsten said, her voice shaking. Sandy smiled at her, reassuringly. He didn't let go of her hand.
"You didn't acknowledge me when I lived with you before. Why should I believe that if I come back it'll be different for any reason other than guilt? How do I know you're not doing this whole 180 because you're afraid of losing your marriage?" Ryan replied.
Sandy looked between him and his wife.
"I care about you, Ryan. I took you for granted, I took what I have for granted. I can't take back what I've done or said…but I can learn from my mistakes," she replied softly.
Ryan finally let out the breath that he was holding.
"If we let you keep the apartment, are you going to go to Harbor?" Sandy asked.
"I'll go. I just don't want to lose my deposit for this place, I mean, I signed a lease and everything," Ryan replied.
"Three months can be our trial period. Maybe we can try and get to know each other again. Caleb's case is out of my hands. Kirsten and I are going to focus on our family again. We'd like a second chance at this."
"You guys have both done a lot for me," Ryan replied. "Taking me in when I had nowhere to go, helping me when I got into trouble, paying for my school. One of the reasons I moved out is because I didn't want to continue taking advantage of your kindness. I don't want to be a burden, I want to make you guys feel like you've gotten something out of your investment."
Sandy stood up then and stepped over to embrace him tightly.
Ryan was surprised by the contact and patted Sandy's back nervously. He was touched by the man's visible emotion.
"We're going to work this out. You might be sleeping here, but your home is always going to be with us, okay?" Sandy said, releasing him.
The first couple of weeks were laced with tension but they finally settled into a routine.
Seth would pick up Ryan before school in the Rover that was now designated for their use only. Kirsten had gotten a new car and had started back to work full-time.
Settling back into Harbor had been the easy part. No one apart from the teachers seemed to notice that he was even gone and Dr. Kim seemed desperate to avoid a lawsuit and made sure to speak to him daily.
Seth and Summer also stuck close to him, as if they could ensure his happiness by their constant companionship.
Ryan didn't mind, though.
He hadn't realized how much being invisible had affected his mood.
He had a job after school at a garage equidistance between his apartment and the Cohens and depending on what time he finished, he'd either have dinner and work on his homework at the Cohens, or he'd go to his apartment and veg out on the couch.
They went to family therapy on Thursday nights.
Ryan had never really considered himself a person that would need therapy, but he had to admit that it was nice to have someone weave through the tangled misunderstandings and tears that seemed to come up when people talked honestly.
He didn't mind.
Seth stayed over at the apartment quite often, enough that Sandy insisted on paying half the rent.
It was a weird situation, but Ryan felt like it was the right thing for them at the time.
He needed to find out what his place was with the Cohens. And they needed to make up their minds, too.
Ryan didn't want to be treated as dispensable anymore.
He was almost 18 and he needed to know if he was going to be going off into the world alone, or if he'd have people standing behind him.
FIN.