Author's note: My Zelda story is going along really well, but I thought I'd take a break from it so I can add a chapter to my lesser-read and frankly less popular Mario fic, as I still have a lot of ideas for it.
Mario: It's-a meee! Screw that fairy boy Link, everyone knows I'm more popular!
Author: Mario? You can't just barge in here and start insulting another game character! And so what if my other fan fiction has gotten more praise and higher reviews...I'm sure people still like you as well!
Mario: Momma mia, damn right! And people-a only like the other story because-a you gave Link a romantic interest! He a pansy bitch! And what about me? I only get four reviews! FOUR! What, people no like-a Mario anymore? Do I smell or something? I'm suicidal people, do you want Mario to DIE?
Author: Okay, Mario? You're drunk. And yeah, I guess people do like the romance in my other story, but is that so bad? I think it's nice.
Mario: I'm not drunk! Luigi and Link, they both drunk! They're in this together, I know! I'll kick Link in the balls!
Author: Ugh. I'm really sorry everyone, I was all ready to write the new chapter. Let me just get Mario out of here and I'll-
Mario: What about poor Mario? 12 reviews! Link's story has been up for like-a three days and it's on 12 reviews! Give poor Mario the chance to show everyone he can be-a romantic too!
Author: Oh jeez. Look, even I gave you the chance, you and Peach are not exactly an item at the moment, remember?
Mario: It no matter! Mario got a different gal for a date! Watch Mario get all lovey-dovey! I even got a romantic dinner all set up!
Author: sigh I'm going to regret this, I just know it. Okay, take it away then; show us your softer side.
Mario: Yes! Heeeere I gooooo!
Mario Skit: Mario's Romantic Dinner (written by Mario):
The moon, she rise in the sky like a pizza pie, full and bright. The stars, they are out scattered across the sky like...like anchovies in a pizza. Author (me): Enough with the pizza analogies already!
Outside my house, I, Mario, am putting the finishing touches to a table I have set up on the lawn, which has candles, flowers, wine, and two bowls of lovely steaming pasta on it!
Author: Wow, how original.
The table is set up on the lawn under the stars, and near-by I have a hired band of Toads playing soft, romantic music. I am wearing my best tuxedo, and my heart is pounding as I wait for my lovely date. I am only slightly drunk.
"Good luck for tonight, Mario!" The conductor turns and says to me with a wink.
"Shut-a your face and keep playing!" I yell at him.
I look into my window at the clock inside my house. My date is late! I start to get nervous: if the pasta goes cold I will have to eat it chilled!
"Where-a is she?" I ask myself, the cold wind brushing up against my skin like a plate of pasta.
Author: Okay, what the fuck?
I am about to eat the pasta, and then I hear the sound of grass being trampled as someone walks up behind me. I spin around, and there, standing lovely in the moon-light, is my date.
She has short, blonde hair, nice brown eyes, a lovely grin, and is wearing a tight-fitting shirt with a mini-skirt.
My eyes bulge out. Momma Mia! What a stunner! This blind date was a great idea!
My date giggles at me and waves. "Hello, Mario," she says in a husky voice. "Sorry I'm late, I was powdering myself."
"That-a okay!" I say cheerfully. "Come sit down and we shall eat the meal I made!"
I lead my date to the table and sit her down. She giggles her thanks. I move to my own chair and sit down as well.
"Here's to us!" I say, picking up my glass of wine for a toast. "Um...what-a your name?"
"Monika," my date giggles, brushing her blonde hair out of her eyes. She has pretty broad shoulders, I notice. I like that in my women!
"To us, Monika!" I say, and we both take a drink of wine.
We start eating the pasta-the yummy, delicious pasta. Monika has her plate cleared in thirty seconds, and then she belches loudly, making the table wobble and the band stop playing, staring with open-mouths at my date.
"Keep-a playing, I not paying you for nothing!" I roar, and the music starts up again quickly.
I look back at my date with dreamy eyes. She obviously loves pasta, or else she would not have eaten it so fast. I think I'm in love! Wait until I tell my brother Luigi...that bitch!
I finish my own pasta quickly, and yelled for one of my waiters, another Toad, to take the plates and bring out dessert.
"That was so nice!" My date says, giggling shyly.
I think to myself that she might act all shy, but maybe I get some action later tonight anyway! I'm so romantic.
Everything was going well-the dessert was brought out, which was chocolate cake, and we had started eating again, when something happened to the music.
The peaceful music that had been playing was suddenly interrupted when an over-eager young Toad with an electric guitar thought that he would suddenly start playing wildly, performing his own song.
He ran forward and grabbed at a microphone.
"Wild thing!" He sang, strumming his guitar frantically. "You make my heart sing! You make everything grooooovy, wild-OW!"
I had thrown my wine glass at the Toad's head, where it connected and took out the little idiot, sending him falling backwards to the grass.
"Someone-a take that guitar off him!" I shouted, and some of the Toad's more helpful friends led him away to lie down somewhere.
"Where-a were we?" I said, returning to my date.
"We were about to kiss!" Giggled my date, and I stared at her in shock.
"What? We were?" I said. "Oh boy!"
I jumped up and ran around the table excitedly. This was my big chance to be extra romantic! Link hasn't kissed his girl, and I am going to beat him! Aha!
I grabbed my date, looking into her eyes and waggling my eyebrows at her. My mustache quivered expectantly, and I leaned forward, puckering my lips up.
"Oh Mario, kiss me you fool!" My date cried, and our lips locked together.
Inside our mouths, our tongues said "hello", wrestling together playfully.
I pulled away, my cheeks red, my mustache dancing with excitement on my face. The kiss had been very nice, but a bit wetter then I would have imagined! Oh well.
I pumped my fist into the air in triumph. Yes! How romantic was I? I was sure to get all the reviews now, and Link would be left alone! Hahaha!
I titled my head back and laughed triumphantly, and then winced as the sound of an electric guitar erupted behind me.
It was that fool of a young Toad, running back from his stretcher his friends had set up for him with his electric guitar in one hand, somehow playing it even though it wasn't plugged into anything.
"Are you ready to rock?" He screamed into a cordless microphone.
Fire erupted in my eyes.
"FUCK-A OFF!" I screamed, and threw a fire-ball at him in my anger. The toad screamed in horror and swung his guitar around, knocking the fireball right back at me!
"HOLY FLAMING MEAT-BALLS!" I yelled, and dived out of the way just in time.
I watched in slow-motion as the fireball flew past me and landed right in the middle of my table! Some wine that was still left in a bottle made the table go up in flames in a second, engulfing the chairs along with it.
"Noooooo!" I cried, falling to my knees. "The one true love of my life!"
I glared at the Toad, who smartly took off around the corner of my house with a yelp.
I punched at the ground with my fists. "Why? Why!" I sobbed. Behind me, I noticed that all the Toads were quietly slinking away.
I sniffed, and then looked up at the stars. Oh well. I had a romance, that was all that mattered! And, because I lost my true love, it will make everyone feel sorry for me and love me again!
"Go Mariooo!" I cried.
There was a clattering sound from inside my house, and I looked up through the window leading to my kitchen. My heart leapt-someone was inside! Could it be...could she have left the table before the fireball hit?
I ran as fast as I could through my front door, and skidded into the kitchen.
And there, standing in front of the fridge and sorting through all my food, was Monika!
"Oh-a thank goodness!" I cried, walking up to her with out-stretched arms. "Mario thought you were dead!"
Monika turned to me, her cheeks full with food, and her face smeared with jelly and other condiments.
"Mario, fank foodness your alive aff well!" My date said, her words coming out garbled thanks to her full mouth.
I hugged at her, and she put one hand behind my back and used the other one to keep shoveling food into her mouth.
She must have been using all the food to help her cope with the shock of almost losing me, I thought. What a lovely girlfriend she was!
"Let's move into the living room!" I suggested, and we both walked over and sat down on my couch.
"So..."I said bashfully, while my date stuck her big toe in her ear and wiggled it around. "Do you like me?"
"Um, yes, of course I like you, Mario! You silly goose!" My date laughed, and slapped me on my back so hard I went flying across the room and into one of my prized vases, which shattered onto the floor.
Shakily I returned to the couch. "That's some arm you got there!" I said. What a perfect woman, she would even be able to cook dinner for me and clean my house, with those muscles!
Sure, Link had Malon, who was good with farm-work, but my girlfriend could beat her to a pulp. What a catch!
Just then, Luigi had to come out and stick his big ugly nose around the corner.
"How's your date going, Mario?" He asked. For some reason he was laughing quite a bit. Probably to hide the fact that he felt so jealous!
My date also laughed and shrieked, as if some private joke was going on between them.
I flashed Luigi a meaningful look. "It was-a going well before you butted in!" I said. "Scram!"
Luigi disappeared down the hallway, and I could hear he was still cracking up. He must-a be on drugs!
"Mario," my date cooed, tickling me under the chin with a large hand. "I happened to speak to Luigi before our blind date...to get tips on, um, how to please you in bed...and Luigi mentioned that you got a lot of bananas in storage?"
I nodded. "I do! I have to hide them in my cellar so that stupid ape Donkey Kong doesn't get to them! He-a has eaten all of the other bananas in town!"
My date laughed. "Well, I love bananas, so I was wondering if I could have some...um, or all of them?" She asked.
"Hmm," I said. "I suppose you can take them. Just don't let that fucking monkey get at them!"
I went down to the cellar and returned with a huge bunch of bananas.
"Here you go!" I said. Now, I would be sure to get some action, I knew.
Monika grabbed the bananas eagerly, making excited ooking noises. I guess she was so happy she couldn't speak properly!
"Thank you so much, Mario!" She cried, standing up. "Oh, look at the time. I have to go home now!"
My mouth fell open. "But what about some sex?" I cried.
She glared at me and punched me in my face. I guess she did that because she was such a modest girl!
"Um, sorry about that," she apologized. "No, I'm washing someone else's' hair tonight, so I must go now."
Defeated, I led her to the door and opened it for her. Outside, in the bushes, I heard the sound of someone playing an electric guitar, and resolved to lay some smack down on a certain Toad as soon as my date left.
"What about tomorrow night?" I asked hopefully.
"Yes, sure, whatever," said my date, and at that moment her blonde hair slipped off her head and fell to the floor.
"Eek!" My date cried in alarm.
I blinked, looking down at the wig, and then back up at my date, who was grinning nervously from ear-to-ear.
"Wait a minute..." I said, stroking my chin. "I know what's going on here!"
"Mario, I can explain-" Monika started, but I shushed her.
"You wore a wig tonight, because you heard I like women with blonde hair, like Peach!" I exclaimed, wagging a finger under her nose."
"But you no fool Mario! I can see now that you're really a brunette!" I said. "And that's okay!"
Monika gaped at me. "YOU STUPID LITTLE...I mean," she said, coughing. "Thank goodness for that! Well, Mario, I got to go, so see you!"
She gave me one last hug- I only reached up to her chest, but that didn't matter. We could work around that!
And then she left. I collapsed onto my couch with a sigh and a smile on my face. I had done it. I had proved that I was just as romantic as Link any day! Tomorrow I would see Monika again and we would...
Author: Okay, this has gone on for long enough. Mario, your date...how can I put this...you didn't notice anything odd about her, did you?
Mario: Of course not. Monika, she is an angel! We in love!
Author:...Mario, "Monika" was just Donkey Kong dressed up in women's clothing and wearing a wig!
Mario: You crazy. I'll show that tight-wearing fairy boy who's who now! He'll be so jealous!
Author: You dumb shit! Think about it: her hairy arms, her flexibility, the way she ate EVERYTHING in your house, the fact she was towering over you!
Mario: Hey, just because she has extra hair and is a little tall doesn't mean you should make fun of her!
Author: Argh! Mario, she made you give her all the bananas in your house. And you said that Luigi was sniggering at you weirdly. He must have heard about your blind date and set all of this up, bribing Donkey Kong with the promise of bananas!
Mario:...No...that's-a too crazy...Monika is...is...
Author: Now I think about it, "Monika" even has the letters "m, o, n" and "k" in it. For "Monk", as in "Monkey". As in Donkey Kong. As in...
Mario: As in I kissed a fucking ape! No! No!
Author: I thought you would have noticed that it was Donkey Kong! I was waiting for some kind of twist or something...ugh! You tongue-wrestled with Donkey Kong!
Mario: "throwing up noise"
Author: See, this is what happens when you get jealous of other people and try to out-do them. Karma gets you! Ugh! Imagine Monika's breath! I feel really sick.
Mario: "throwing up noise intensifies"
Author: Oh, I see you're too busy to comment. Well people, sorry for letting Mario hi-jack this chapter. See you all next time for the proper chapter!
Mario: Momma Mia, I found a hair-ball in my throat! Luiiiigiiiiii!
My god, this was crazy. I apologize to those people who will find this a bit too nuts for their liking. This is a stand-alone skit for my Mario story, and obviously I'm making fun of my other Link story's popularity.
I started out with the idea of writing what would happen when Mario saw how un-popular he was, and it developed from there.
I didn't actually mean for it to be so long, but saw that there was some good potential for comedy, so I made it into a chapter-length skit.
Hope you enjoyed it. Leave a review if you found it funny! Or hey, leave a review in Link's defence. Mario's being pretty nasty here. ;)