A/N: This chapter is all about Naruto trying to kill himself. If this offends, skip to the next chapter. Although I don't really see how it could be offensive, as it's all spoofy anyways, you never know. So, just to be nice, I'll leave this as a warning to anyone who may be hypersensitive about this.

Naruto's Attempted Suicide

Naruto walked home dejectedly. Why did Sakura have to hate him? It wasn't his fault he was stupid! Well, maybe it was. He cried a little bit, and then decided it was best to just end it all.

Naruto decided to hang himself from the shower head, because that's where all the people in movies hang themselves. From the shower head, with their dad's tie. He looked for his dad's tie for 8.024 minutes before remembering he didn't have a dad. The next best thing he could find was a tape measurer. He tied one end around the shower head. It came undone, seeing as it was so slippery. Also partially because he didn't know how to tie. Aggravated, he chucked the tape measurer through the window, where it concussed an innocent passerby.

Well, he obviously couldn't hang himself. Hmm, what's another way of killing myself? He thought. His eyes fell on the sink. Excellent. He poured himself a glass of water. Now, how does someone drown again? Oh yeah. He poured all the water into his mouth and tried to swallow it into his lungs. Of course it didn't work. The only result was he now had to go to the bathroom.

His next attempt was to slit his wrists. Alas (A/N: always wanted to say that!), he couldn't find a knife. Being too dumb to realize he carried ninja weapons with him 24/7 which would work just fine, he rummaged through the kitchen drawer, but all he could find was a rubber spatula. He sharpened it on the floor and plunged it into his wrist.

After he had decided the skin on his wrists was just too thick, he tried hitting his head against the wall until he died. He lost his remaining few brain cells, and passed out.

When he woke up, he was very sad that he hadn't died. He was about to cry when a thought struck him. "Ouch!" He said. You can tell people aren't used to thinking when a thought striking them physically hurts.

"I must be invincible!" Naruto exclaimed to the spatula, lying on the floor beside him, in awe. "Nothing can kill me! I knew I was destined to be the fifth Hokage!"

With his newfound wisdom and invincibility, he went out the door happily to tell everyone he was undefeatable.

Hope you liked it! Hope it didn't offend! Hope you review! (Hope you don't mind if I murderize anyone who flames!)