The proper third chapter to my Mario story. All characters are copyright Nintendo, except for Todd, I guess. :)
Chapter 3: Mario's Therapy Begins
Dear Diary...I had the worst sleep last night!
Picture Luigi in your mind. Go on. He's a little skinny guy, right?
Then tell me why the bastard snores like a typhoon sucking up millions of vacuum cleaners!
For half of the night I lay there listening to the cacophony- I had a single mattress on the floor, right next to Luigi's bed, which was off the floor.
Luigi's room is also very...green. He has dumbells and weights scattered about the place, a small desk, and one window that looks out to a tall tree.
Luigi's hand slipped off his bed and slapped me in my face.
"Ow!" I cursed. "You little shit!"
I slapped his hand away angrily, and Luigi half-wakened, sitting up groggily in his bed, mumbling "Mansion! My Mansion!", and then falling back asleep again and resuming his snoring.
I groaned, and then things suddenly got worse: Mario must have fallen asleep.
The reason I knew this was because a second, deeper snoring joined Luigi's, coming from Mario's room.
The walls were shaking slightly, so I sat up in the bed in alarm. I clutched at my head, moaning.
It was like some sort of...brotherly call of the wild or something! Mario would snore, and then Luigi would respond with his snores...they were communicating somehow, I could swear it!
"Snooooorrrk," Mario would say.
"Snufflewheee!" Luigi would respond.
"Scrooooonkle!" Mario would argue, and then Luigi would reply with a "Geeeneeeeek!"
Then they would both laugh together, a weird "Wewewe" sound.
I shoved the pillow over my head and sobbed quietly.
Needless to say, I did not get much sleep.
In the morning, I stumbled out of bed and shuffled out to the living room like a zombie.
"Take a seat!" Luigi said cheerfully, pulling out a chair for me to sit on at a round table in the kitchen.
I glared at him and sat at the table, giving myself a mental note to get a hold of some ear-plugs.
Apart from Luigi, Mario sat at the table opposite me, and next to him sat Toad-the Toad, who I had not seen yet.
I nodded my hello, and he yelped and dived under the table.
"Don't-a worry about him, he just shy!" Luigi told me, placing a bowl in front of me and offering a box of cereal.
I glanced at the label on the cereal-"Toady-ohs", and burst out laughing.
Mario glared at me over his own bowl of cereal.
"You-a think that funny? At least we don't have something called-a Captain Crunch!" He shot at me.
I shrugged, thinking that he had me there, and poured the cereal into my bowl.
All the individual pieces of the cereal were actually in the shape of Toads, smiling and waving up at me.
"Hey!" I roared in alarm, and picked up one of the pieces. "This one's giving me the finger!"
Luigi snatched the cereal piece out of my hand excitedly. "Ooh, I haven't got this one yet!" He said, putting it in his pocket.
"You...collect cereal pieces." I said in disbelief.
He nodded proudly. "Got the second-best collection in the Mushroom Kingdom!"
Mario snorted. "What-a crap hobby...but the worst thing is-a that you still are-a only number two!"
Luigi gaped at him. "You-a take that back!" He cried, and the brothers began scuffling on the floor.
I ignored them and poured milk onto my cereal calmly.
Toad emerged cautiously from under the table, and gave me a wary look.
Without taking his eyes off of me, he slowly reached out a hand for the spoon in his cereal bowl. I coughed, and he flinched, retreating half-under the table again.
Now, I am not normally that mean a person, but when I saw Toad cautiously reach out again to grab his spoon, I couldn't help myself.
"Ooooga Boooga!" I roared at him, causing him to jump and slam down his hand on the spoon accidentally, catapulting a clump of cereal and milk into his face, and sending him falling backwards to the floor.
I howled with laughter, and the Mario Brothers stopped fighting and returned to the table curiously.
"I'm really sorry," I choked, wiping tears of laughter from my eyes. "I had to do that...sorry Toad!"
"You're a bad person!" I heard Toad whimper from under the table. A hand came up, grabbed the bowl of cereal and the spoon, and disappeared back under the table-cloth.
Mario and Luigi laughed.
"Don't worry, we all do that now and then," Luigi said. "The poor guy's got some paranoia issues to deal with. You can't really blame him though, after all the times Bowser has kidnaped him."
"Bowser can suck my little mushrooms!" Toad squeaked from under the table.
I looked over at Mario when I noticed he was adding something to his bowl of cereal, and automatically wished I hadn't-he was busy scooping strands of cold pasta into the milk.
I felt like hurling.
"Oh, Todd. Peach left you a note on the fridge," Luigi said.
I went over to Mario's fridge. "What, did she go back to her castle?" I asked over my shoulder.
"Yes, last night."
There was a pink note held onto the fridge with a magnet, a strong perfume scent coming from it. I took it off the fridge and read it:
Dear Todd,
I am sorry that I cannot be there to help out with Mario, but I have much to do around the castle. So it's up to you to keep an eye on Mario-don't let him out of your sight! I have told Luigi the same thing, so between the two of you you should be able to keep Mario from doing anything...silly.
Today, for your first adventure, you should go shopping to the corner store with Mario, as the fridge needs to be re-stocked. Have fun!
I stared at the note. Go shopping? That was my first adventure? If I wanted to go shopping I could have stayed in the real world!
I sighed, thinking that I had agreed to help out, after all, so I might as well do as I'm told.
I turned to Luigi and Mario and waved the note. "Looks like we're going shopping."
Mario scowled, but Luigi looked excited.
"Oh boy, an adventure!" He shouted, jumping up from the table. "I better go and get my coin purse!" He declared, and scampered off to his bedroom.
Mario and I exchanged a look.
"Is he always this excited about everything?" I asked dryly.
Mario sighed. "He-a must be adopted, I swear!"
Toad came up from under the table with his bowl, now empty.
"Did I hear you guys are going to the shop?" He asked shyly. "Because if you are, I want to come along as well."
He walked up to Mario and I heard him whisper "I need to buy some more mace!".
Luigi came back into the room and tossed Mario a coin purse. "Here, I got yours, too! Now we're all set!"
"Um, how are we going to get to where we're going?" I asked.
Mario snorted and gave me a look. "Mario Kart, of course!"
My heart leapt. "You mean you guys actually drive around those things normally?"
"Why wouldn't we?" Luigi said, opening the front door. "Nintendo gave us those karts so we could race each other, but afterwards we figured they'd be useful for getting around in as well!"
The four of us headed outside the door, and I noticed that Mario didn't even bother locking the door after him.
No wonder Bowser managed to kidnap people so much, I thought. All he had to do was wait in Mario's living room until someone returned, and then just snatch them then and there. He could even have a nice tea while he waited.
Toad was on edge, jerking his head around this way and that, as if he expected a team of ninjas to swoop out of the trees and attack him at any moment.
"The karts are around the back," Luigi said, and I practically sprinted around the corner of the house, skidding to a stop before the two karts which were just sitting out on the grass in the open.
They were huge! There was enough room for someone to sit in the seat and drive, while a second person could stand on the kart behind the driver and just enjoy the ride. Both karts looked pretty similar, except for the fact that one was green while the other was red, along with some other small differences.
The others joined me, and Toad eyed me suspiciously.
"I'm not going on the same kart as him!" He squeaked, his eyes narrowing. "I don't trust him!"
"He okay," Luigi said. "But you can go on Mario's kart if you're going to be difficult."
Toad jumped on the back of Mario's kart and gave me the finger.
I gaped-that was the second time today already that I had been flipped off by a Toad!
"I guess I'm with you, then," I said, as Luigi walked over to his green kart. "I get to drive!" I added hopefully.
Luigi clutched the keys to his chest protectively. "No way!" He exclaimed. "Only this daddy-oh gets to drive his pimped-up vehicle!"
I raised an eyebrow- I couldn't see anything particularly "pimped-up" about his kart, but I shrugged and conceded. "Fine then," I said, and muttered "cry-baby" to myself softly.
I hopped onto the back of Luigi's kart, actually trembling with excitement. This was going to be so cool!
Mario climbed into his kart, and both he and Luigi started the engines.
"Feel that traction!" I said to myself, the car making my body vibrate.
"Here we goooooo!" Mario shouted.
"Yes! Go!" I said, pumping my fist into the air.
And we were off! Speeding across the grass and onto a simple road, flying along at...about the speed of an old granny in an electric wheel-chair.
I lowered my fist and looked around. I had seen golf-buggies move faster then we were!
Angrily, I kicked the back of Luigi's chair. "Oi, Luigi! Step on it, will ya?" I said.
Luigi chuckled and glanced back at me. "What, and get a ticket?"
"This is the Mushroom Kingdom!" I snarled. "You don't get tickets!"
"Well, we do now," Luigi replied. "Ever since Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong plowed their kart straight into a nursing home!"
I couldn't believe it. "So because of the fact that Donkey Kong has no opposable thumbs and can't drive for shit, we all suffer?"
"Yep."
Luigi laughed suddenly. "That reminds me of a funny story! The other day, before you came, I got Donkey Kong to dress up as a woman and go out on a blind date with Mario, and-"
Suddenly Mario swerved his kart and slammed into the side of ours, bumping us off the road momentarily.
"Luigi! I kill you!" Mario screamed, growing red in the face. On the back of Mario's kart, Toad was still watching me carefully, his face set in a suspicious look.
"Okay, okay, sorry," Luigi mumbled, getting back on the road.
He whispered back to me, "he only figure out it was Donkey Kong a while ago, so he still a bit upset!"
I nodded, wondering what the story was with Donkey Kong cross-dressing. I found it a bit hard to picture.
The scenery rolled by, and after ten minutes of driving we reached a corner where there was a huge house set up in the shape of a mushroom. A sign outside read "Toad Corner Store-one of a thousand Toad stores in the Mushroom Kingdom!"
Luigi pulled the kart to a stop next to Mario's, and I stepped off, gazing cynically at the store.
"Why is it that Toad's always have houses shaped like mushrooms?" I pondered. "I mean, wouldn't that be like a human living in a human-shaped house?"
Toad glared at me nastily, and then ran up the stairs of the shop and inside, yelling "I need mace, quickly!"
I winced, wondering if Toad was angry with me because I had scared him at breakfast.
Luigi, Mario and I entered the shop, and I glanced around curiously. It looked kind of like a regular store; aisles of food and items, a fan high ahead swinging slowly, fridges for cold stuff, and a counter. Behind the counter sat a Toad that looked like every other Toad I had seen, smiling politely.
"Mario!" He said in greeting. "It's good to see you today!"
Mario mumbled something that sounded a lot like "fuck off" to me, and went to explore one of the aisles.
I wandered off, gazing curiously at some of the items on the shelves. I spotted a Mega-mushroom, with a warning label that read "Warning! Ingest only-do not attempt to put down pants. It will not work!"
I clapped a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing, and moved further down the aisle.
I noticed that a fridge to the side was filled with nothing but pasta, and a sign hung outside the door stating "Reserved for Mario only! Not for sale...if taken, Mario will track you down and get the pasta back one way or another!"
Mario was at the door, loading box after box of frozen pasta into his arms.
"Um, I'm not sure what you usually get," I said to him. "Should I buy some milk or something?"
Mario growled and continued grabbing pasta, so I took that to mean that he didn't care.
Shrugging, I went around the store until I found some milk, eggs, juice, fruit, and some chips for me to snack on.
After I had loaded all the items on the counter, I went back and passed Toad, who was in the "protection" aisle and was examining the assortment of mace.
When he saw me he quickly grabbed a bottle of mace, and held it out warningly.
"Look," I said, "I really don't mean you any harm. I'm only here to help Mario out a bit, that's all!"
"Liar!" He hissed, brandishing the mace wildly. "You work for Bowser, I can smell it!"
Frustrated, I decided to leave him alone, and walked over to Luigi, who was in the magazine aisle, thumbing through one of them.
"Hey," I said, and he jumped and dropped the magazine he had been reading.
I looked down at it, and read "Mushroom on mushroom action" aloud.
Luigi looked sheepish. "I really don't swing that way!" He said quickly, scooping up the magazine and putting it back on the shelf. "I was just curious!"
"Well, when the other magazines are titled things like 'Monkeys gone Wild' and 'Randy Goombas Monthly', I can't say I blame you too much," I mused, looking at the magazines.
Toad ran outside the shop, calling "I'm waiting outside!" over his shoulder.
"I have an eye-protector you can use for when you sleep," Luigi whispered conspiratorially to me. "Toad can get carried away with the mace sometimes."
I gulped, and then looked around the shop for Mario.
"Where's your brother?" I asked, puzzled.
"I dunno...maybe he-" Luigi began, but was interrupted by the sound of a kart starting up outside.
"Oh shit!" He exclaimed, and we both ran to the door and looked out just in time to see Mario speeding away in his kart, with Toad hanging onto the back for dear life and screaming at him to stop, or he'll be forced to use his mace.
"He's getting away!" Luigi shouted.
Before we could run out of the shop to pursue Mario, the Toad shop-keeper ran up behind us frantically.
"Not so fast!" He panted. "Mario told me that you guys would pay for all the pasta he took with him, and you still have all that other stuff to pay for!"
Luigi and I both groaned. "How much money do we owe?" I asked.
The Toad had the amount ready: "One hundred and twenty coins all up," he said, grinning.
Luigi swayed on the spot. "Momma Mia! How much-a pasta did that bitch take?" He roared, digging through his coin purse.
"Just take it all!" He said, throwing the purse at the Toad, who beamed and caught it happily.
I grabbed the shopping and we both ran outside to the kart, Luigi sliding into the driver's seat while I jumped on the back.
"Don't worry, Mario!" Luigi cried, revving the kart forward. "I'll save you!"
"But he's not in danger or any-" I started, but the speed of the kart took away my last words.
This is more like it! I thought, as we zoomed down the road.
We had only gone a little way before I heard the sound of another engine coming up behind us, and I turned around in my seat to see the Toad from the store coming up fast, driving his own little kart and shaking his fist at us.
"What do you think he wants?" I yelled at Luigi, indicating the kart.
"Probably his money, I'd guess!" Luigi said.
"But you gave him all your money!" I replied, confused.
"Yes, but there must have been around five coins in that purse!" Luigi laughed, and sped up.
I groaned. Well, this was just great. It was only my first day of trying to get Mario better, and already both him and Luigi had stolen from a shop. Not only that, but Mario was on the loose, doing god knows what, and we had an angry little shop keeper after us!
I held on grimly to the back of the kart, and hoped that we would be able to get Mario back soon-or Peach will kill me!
Hehe, this chapter is a personal fave of mine.
If there really was a cereal called "Toady-ohs" I would so buy it. :p
And for some reason the thought of D.K losing control of his kart and crashing into an old folk's home makes me laugh.
Please, if you read this story, leave a review! I like to know what my readers think, and I am beginning to think that calling the story "My Adventure with Mario" might have been a mistake, because it sounds too kiddy and might prevent people from reading it!
Also, a lot of times when people see stories that have low reviews they will assume they suck and will not read. And I don't think this story sucks that much, so by leaving a review you're not only helping me with the story, but you might make others take notice!