Chapter 3

It was a week before Christmas. I had just finished the first half of my last year of med school, and Matt, my husband, was so happy to have me home. We had gotten married the summer before I graduated college. Our house was an hour away from my school, so I was living in Omaha while he farmed back home. It had been strange, but he didn't want to keep me from my dream of being a doctor, and he was already settled on the farm, so we just decided to make a long distance marriage work. He visited me every weekend, and he was so excited to have me home for an entire month.

Another good thing about being home was that he would definitely be there when our baby was born. She was due December 20th. We were anxiously counting the days until she came into our lives. I remember I was baking cookies while Matt was building a fire in the fireplace and putting up some last minute decorations in preparation for our families arriving. Snow was falling outside. I think we had accumulated about ten inches so far. It was a picturesque winter's night. I bent over to take the cookies out of the oven, and felt a stab of pain shoot across my abdomen. I looked down at the floor, and realized my water had broken. "Matt," I screamed, "The baby is coming."

We'd been prepared for this. Matt grabbed my bag and helped me into his truck. It was early in my labor, but the hospital was over half and hour away, and the roads weren't that great due to the weather, so we left right away, just in case. He carefully wrapped the seatbelt around my waist and gave me a bunch of towels and wrapped a blanket around my shoulders, then jumped into the driver's seat of the truck. He was in such a hurry he didn't buckle his seatbelt, and I was in too much pain to notice.

The roads were really bad, so it was taking a lot longer than we expected. Matt kept glancing over at me and he would grab my hand whenever I was having a contraction. We finally neared the exit and Matt turned on his signal to get off the highway. As he slowed down to merge onto the exit, I heard a crunch and felt the truck start to slide off the road. "Shit Kate, she hit us." Matt tried to correct the truck and get back onto the road, but I felt us fall into the ditch and then everything went black.

Intense paid drew me out of my unconsciousness. I reached for Matt's hand as the pressure exploded inside of me. "Matt, I ruptured my membranes, this baby is coming now." I got no response. I twisted myself as much as I could and saw Matt. He was partially hanging out of the windshield. "Help," I screamed, "Somebody help us!" I could hear footsteps crunching across the snow. "I'm so sorry. I was sliding on the ice and couldn't stop. I didn't mean to hit you." A middle-aged woman had come up to the passenger side window. "It's fine, please check my husband." She rushed around the truck and checked for a pulse. "Ma'am, he doesn't have a pulse and he's not breathing. I think he's gone."

"No, he can't be! I love you Matt! Stay with me, you have to meet our daughter. You can't leave us." I was crying for Matt and screaming with the pain of the labor. The woman came racing back down to me. "The ambulance is on its way, they told me to help you anyway I can, but that you shouldn't push since neither of us knows how to deliver a baby." "It's ok, I'm a doctor I can talk you through this. My name is Kate, can you open the door and pull my legs out so they are hanging out of the truck." The woman quickly did as I instructed. "Oh my god! I see the head, what do I do?" I remember talking her through the birth. Right as my daughter came into the world, I heard the sound of sirens, and passed out again.

I woke up in a hospital room with my parent's and Matt's parent's standing around me. My mom rushed to my side and took my hand. "Where's my baby?" I sat up in preparation for meeting my daughter. "Honey, she didn't make it. I don't know all the details, the doctor should be in here soon to explain everything." She looked at me with tears in her eyes. "Tell them to bring me my baby!" "Kate, she is in Heaven with Matt. You can't see her right now." By that time my father had pushed the call button, and Dr. Parker, my ob/gyn had come in. He cleared the room and sat down beside my bed.

"Kate, when the truck crashed, part the dash collapsed on your stomach. We think the blow killed your baby instantly. She was stillborn. I'm sorry." He held me as tears flooded down my face. I cried for Matt, and our child, and for the fact that my life would never be the same. "You can hold her if you want too. I know it might not be what you want to do right now, but you can at least say goodbye this way." I weakly nodded, and he went down the hall and came back pushing a rolling cradle. "I'll leave you two alone." He handed me the bundle of pink blankets and left the room.

I was all I could take to peel back those blankets from her face. My baby. She was so perfect. Red curls peeked out from under the cap the nurses had placed on her head. I counted her fingers and toes and looked at her face to try to pick out features that were mine or that were Matt's. Aside from her being cold, she looked like she could wake up any minute. I wondered if she was alive what her personality would be. I imagined all the memories that we could have made together. I saw her taking her first steps, and I saw Matt and I walking her to her first day of kindergarten. I let out a sob and clutched her close to me. "Stop this," I told myself, "You don't have much time with her, make what you do have count." I took a deep shuddering breath and began to sing the song that was playing on the radio as I was giving birth.

When I think back on these times, and the dreams we left behind.

I'll be glad cuz I was blessed, a gift to have you in my life.

When I look back on these days, I'll look and see your face.

You were right there for me.

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky.

In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life.

I'll keep a part of you with me, and everywhere I am there you'll be.

"Hush now," I told my daughter, "Sleep in peace and go to daddy. I love you both so much and I always will."