Never Thought I'd End Up Here

She had promised herself she would never turn to this again. Yet here she was, sitting inside her car waiting for the bane of her existence to pull up and make all her troubles fall away. Every time she saw his face she cursed the day she allowed him to wiggle his way into her life. She hated the moments of weakness he thrived on. She hated showing weakness to anyone, but to him? It was horrible letting him of all people see her vulnerability.

"God. What am I doing here? I was going to be better than this!" Peyton burst out suddenly, banging the wheel with the heel of her hand. She stared at her long pale fingers for a moment and then slowly she raised her right hand to twist the thin ring on the thumb of the left. She could be seen doing this often when she was nervous or upset. Most thought it was just a little trinket that she wore, but she knew it was so much more than that.

The ring had been her mother's.

After Anna Sawyer died, Peyton found herself holing up in her parents' room. She would lie in their bed, under the covers or trail her fingers along her mother's clothes still hanging in the closet. If she could be surrounded by all of her things, it was as if she wasn't really gone. One day, she spotted a small box under many others on a shelf high up in the little room. L + A was scrawled on the side, faded, but still legible. Curious, the young girl had run off to find a stool. When she came back she retrieved the box and sat down on the closet floor with her legs crossed. Tucking a curl behind her ears, Peyton slowly lifted the top up and peered inside. The box was mostly filled with little scraps of paper on which her father had written little notes to her mother. There was a dried flower and a few photos, and after Peyton had read every note and gazed teary-eyed at each photo she found a small, maroon pouch waiting at the bottom. Hands trembling slightly, she picked it up and turned it upside down. A small silver ring fell out into her palm along with a tiny piece of paper that said "To my heart, love, Larry."

She kept it on a chain around her neck until it fit her own finger and now she never took it off. As the memory faded, she looked around. She remembered where she was and a single tear dropped from her eye. She was about to shift into drive when a pair of headlights shone brightly through the windshield. It was Rick's car. Now came the decision. The memory of her mother had deepened her shame at the situation, but it had also brought back the pain and loneliness of growing up without her. In her mind's eye images of Haley and Nathan laughing happily, Brooke scampering off with Felix, Lucas giving her the cold shoulder and Jake leaving flashed before her. She was so alone and she didn't want to feel it anymore. If she could forget for just a few hours, it would be worth it.

The transaction went smoothly. She handed over the money and in turn received a small bag of white powder.

"Don't hesitate to call again. I'm always around." Rick grinned smarmily at her.

"Sure," Peyton mumbled in response, eyeing the ground as she walked away.

Feeling slightly guilty, but also relieved, Peyton sped home, blasting her radio and singing loudly….

"Came a time when every star falls

Brought you to tears again

We are the very hurt you sold

And what's the worst you take

From every heart you break

And like a blade you stain

Well, I've been holding on tonight…"

The tires squealed as she pulled into her driveway and put the car in park. Once inside, she made her way up to her room and shut the door behind her and then what felt like minutes, but wasa few hours later, she was coming down from her euphoric high. She had never experienced anything quite like it and it did what she wanted—took her mind off things. Until it wore off; that is. Then she felt even more horrible than before. It was a sick cycle really. She glanced towards her bathroom where the evidence of her weakness littered the floor. The little bag, a CD to take it from…she looked away. Everything was starting to come back to her. She pushed the here and now out of her head. Instead she thought of sweet kisses amongst dusty books in a library and stolen glances across a table; smiles he coaxed out of her but also, of course, the heartache.

A barely perceivable whisper escaped her lips.

"I miss you."

Then a strangled sob.

Peyton grabbed a pillow and rolled onto her other side. The tears were streaming down her cheeks freely as her eyes searched her walls. They came to rest on a sketch of Jake and Jenny. Wiping the salty tears from her face she pondered the last time she had seen him. She wondered…what had that kiss meant? Her sobs quieted, but her breathing still ragged, she got up and unpinned the sketch and held it in front of her. Silently she walked towards another sketch on an opposite wall. There she pinned it back up, next to one that showed her and Lucas with the words "And now we can't have it" at the top.

"We'll see," she said softly.

AN: Oooook. Now before anyone throws something at me I want to remind you all that I have a purpose in mind and I need Jake in the picture to help serve that purpose. I hope you enjoyed this chapter despite no interaction between Lucas and Peyton. I'm going to shoot for that in the next update. I also want to apologize for the long wait. I lost a bit of my motivation but I'm hoping you'll all be back and reading the new chapter and reviewing. Oh, how I love reviews. :) You lurkers that don't comment, please do! I'd love to hear from you!

The lyrics are from My Chemical Romance's "Helena" and the title of the chapter comes from the lyrics of Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel."

Laurie: I still worry about you sometimes. I'm hoping that the lack of interaction btw LP won't drive off readers. I promise it's coming in due time. True love has obstacles after all. --wink-- Thanks for always reading and reviewing though! It means a lot to me.

LeytonFan5: Kayla, thanks for your sweet comment! And I'm sorry I didn't update soon. But maybe you just read it over and over in the meantime. I wouldn't mind that! I hope you enjoyed the update and will keep reading:)

Mon: Aw, I know you don't like Brooke really in any shape or form, but everything has its purpose. Glad you still liked it anyway. I don't post much on OTHCF either anymore. Just enough to update and what not. Now, it seems odd to have a conversation with you through my story so I'll just say I'm so glad you like the story! See you on the board!

bitterkidxsweety: Esther, now I'm glad you liked BP. I like them too in the right circumstances. Nathan would've been a fine guess if that was where I was going with the story (I do like NP too after all!) alas, you can see that it wasn't Nathan though. And I agree on Felix. He's "meh" in my book. He won't be around much, I promise.

cabot07: I'm so happy you like the story despite the interference of the Tooth Ranger (Felix). Haha, it's a TWoP joke. Anyway, thanks for being there everytime I update! That's so awesome of you!

melli: Yay! New reader! I think? Anyway, welcome to my story. Sit back and enjoy it! Glad to have you.

and Kelly: Sorry I didn't tell you! I'll be sure to let you know this time! I'm glad you came and checked it out anyway and discovered I had. I usually post on the thread when I do, so you can always look out for that.