Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS. If I did, Kate would be alive and Tony would be locked in my bedroom. (sigh!) Oh and to be safe, I don't own revlon either (read on to find out why that disclaimer's necessary)
As the blocks flew by an idea for payback started to form in Kate's mind. She peeked over at Tony. He was nervously drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. The noise he was creating was surprisingly loud. It was rather irritating. In fact, it was downright annoying.
"Tony, stop it!"
"Huh?" He looked over at her, completely bemused, fingers still dancing manically on the leather of the wheel. Unaware of what he was doing. It only made her feel more cross.
"The noise Tony," here she paused and pointedly stared at his hands, "it's really hurting my head."
"Right, sure thing."
His fingers stilled and he turned away from her looking pensive. Complete silence engulfed the car and he went back to contemplating just how many pieces Ducky would cut him into if Kate reported he'd been anything less than diligent in his babysitting task. He gulped audibly when he thought of the many years the elder pathologist had had in observing murder, discerning the best techniques for committing an untraceable crime. His one comfort was that Gibbs would be bound to smell a rat, although he'd been pretty pissed off earlier so maybe he wouldn't look too closely…
Kate watched as they crossed yet another intersection where the turn would've taken them to her part of town. It was easy from the emotions flitting across Tony's face that he was distracted by Ducky's not so subtle threats. She smiled to herself. Despite what she said out loud she knew that at heart, Tony was incredibly sensitive about not letting down those he cared about. Which was why, more often than not, he would run around like an over-excited puppy whenever Gibbs or Ducky asked him to do anything. He was desperate to please; sometimes it was almost painful to watch. And now he was feeling guilty about her getting hurt. This gave her a weapon against him, and she intended to fully exploit it. As they went over another set of lights she decided to begin the payback.
"Where are we going?"
"Boy, you really must have dislodged a load of brain cells if," Tony trailed off as he realised he'd totally missed turning to get to Kate's place.
Kate smirked at him causing him to plaster on one of his 100 watt smiles that he knew got on her nerves. He really hated when she got that superior look on her face, it took all his self-restraint to bite back the sarcastic put down that rose in his throat. It was a hard battle. Sniping with Kate was as natural as breathing for him. It came instinctively. Something about the vibe that she gave off just put him into combative mode, he couldn't help it. Trying to conjure calming thoughts in his head he tried to respond as civilly as he could.
"I thought you might like to take the scenic route home."
No matter that they were now driving through downtown, as concrete a landscape as you could ever imagine. It was the best comment he was able to come up with.
"Actually, this might work out ok. You can turn off into the mall on the next strip and pick up some stuff for me."
Something in his gut told Tony that this was not going to be the simple task it seemed on the surface, but he had no choice but to comply.
(some time later)
He shut the door as sulkily as he dared as he once again thought about how unfair life could be. More particularly, how fate often fingered him to be on the receiving end of life's crueller jokes. He had to admit, Kate was doing pretty well as life's dastardly sidekick. He stalked moodily into the mall and angrily went up to the store directory to find all the places Kate had listed he'd have to go to. She'd been very specific and told him where he had to buy each item from. Even though she only wanted ten or so things, he'd have to visit at least five stores to get them. The mall was quite crowded. He'd be lucky if he finished in under an hour.
After forty minutes he'd almost finished his quest. He'd picked up her shoes that were waiting for collection, got some false eyelashes and pearls from a little costume jewellery store that had been so well tucked away and concealed that it'd taken him more than ten minutes to find it and found the fishnet stockings that she'd requested he get from a rather kinky shop that he never thought Kate would venture into. He guessed that she was probably hoping he'd be a bit embarrassed about it all, but from having more than a few girlfriends who liked to walk on the wild side, it didn't faze him at all.
He'd also noticed that there were a fair few good looking ladies gracing the mall and made a mental note that this could be another venue to cruise when he was bored. It hadn't escaped his attention either that he was getting checked out a lot by the women he was passing.
So it was with a slight bounce in his step that he entered one of the larger department stores in search of the penultimate item on his list. When he saw the gorgeous brunette behind the counter of the Revlon concession he felt the smile on his face increase, aware of the covert glances that he was getting from the women that he passed.
"Hi there. I'm Cindy, can I help?"
Encouraged by Cindy's enthusiastic greeting, Tony leaned forward on the glass table top and beamed brilliantly at her.
"Hey there, Cindy. I need some Glow Rosy Color Beam Sheer nail polish."
"That's our latest line and the most popular colour – you really know your polish! You're in luck, it's been flying off the shelves but we just got a new shipment through. I just need to go out back to fetch it."
As she disappeared into the back of the store, Tony speculated if it was his knowing exactly which brand or which color he needed that had impressed Cindy the most. He reflected that it might be worthwhile investing in improving his knowledge of cosmetics in order to reap the benefits of being able to converse intelligently with beauty counter girls and score their numbers. After all, they always looked good and presented themselves well, even if, at times, their conversation could be limited.
Tony drifted further into his contemplation and failed to notice that some of the other female store assistants had joined him.
"You know, I'm so glad that nowadays you feel so comfortable that you can come in here and buy your make-up openly."
"Excuse me?" Tonv looked quizzically at the woman, identified as 'Lizzy' who had appeared at his elbow.
"Yeah," her friend 'Jo' continued, "I mean, it's about time y'know? It's the freaking second millennium, you should be able to buy all the products you like an be as open as you want about it."
"Ooookay." Tony looked from Jo to Lizzy trying to figure out exactly what they were talking about.
"You show them honey. Be proud of who you are. I bet you look a real doll when you're all made up!"
Tony's head whipped round to the woman who had chimed in from the Max Factor concession. His brain was attempting to process what was going on. It was reaching an answer but seemed unwilling toaccept it.
They couldn't. No. That would be impossible. Why would they think… His thought processes slammed into the brick wall of reality as he viewed himself from their perspective. These women knew the mall, knew all the shops. They'd taken in all the bags he was carrying, the female shoe shop, the gaudy jewellery shop and the racy lingerie shop. Now he was buying nail polish, and they had all concluded that he was either a cross dresser or a transvestite. That was why Kate had insisted that the nail polish had to be bought from this store – she knew how he worked and knew from its location that he'd hit this store towards the end of the list.
There was nothing he could say. Any denial wouldn't be believed. It was catch-22. All he could do was grit his teeth, not react and save his rage for Kate. Injured or not, this wasn't something he could just her get away with.
He almost snatched the bag from Cindy as he hurried to the pharmacy, the calls of encouragement from all the women working the store ringing in his ears. At least all he had to do in the pharmacy was get some shampoo.
After five minutes of searching fruitlessly in the third aisle, where all the shampoos were, for the brand Kate had listed he admitted defeat and resigned himself to having to ask the pimply youth at the till for help.
"Hey buddy, can you tell me if you stock Lindane shampoo? My friend swore you'd have it."
Although the notion that Kate might have been less than truthful was a distinct possibility, he didn't want to have to get into an explanation with the kidwho looked confused enough as it was. The boy looked scared witless that he'd been asked a question.
"Have you tried aisle 3? That's where all the shampoos usually are."
Tony rolled his eyes and gave a look that told the unfortunate cashier that his response had been the wrong one.
"Of course you already have, that why you're asking," he stuttered, before raising his voice and calling into the back office for help.
After a moment a kindly looking middle aged man with greying hair came out. He was wearing a white lab coat so it seemed a fair bet that he was the pharmacist.
"Yes?" he peered enquiringly over his black rimmed spectacles at Tony.
"I'm looking for a particular brand of shampoo, it's called Lindane. I hear you guys stock it."
The man nodded and moved towards the far aisle. As soon as they were out of earshot of the checkout operator he turned and said conspiratorially, "Got caught out, huh? Probably best to go to an STD clinic and get checked out properly."
With that he patted Tony's left shoulder paternally and handed him a small box. Tony's jaw hung aimlessly as he read the text on the box.
'Lindane shampoo, fast effective treatment of pubic lice.'
He was going to kill her.
a/n: Thankyou to everyone who's reviewed so far. I know it's been ages since I updated – I'm sorry, I hope this was worth the wait. More soon – possibly in two weeks time.
Please, please review and let me know if anyone's still reading this and if you still care about this pairing. I'm aware that the ship Tate is now sadly in AU world.