And here's the big honkin' flashback chapter!
The Colonel returned to the briefing room, now minus that horrible black eyeliner, and took his seat next to Sam. "Sir," he said, noting that Jonas Quinn was now present.
Ah, right; time to fess up.
"I'm waiting, Colonel," Hammond said.
Jack looked at the older man, wondering if that was a touch of laughter in his voice. But he couldn't tell – Hammond could out poker-face Teal'c when he was of a mind. "Ah … yes, sir," he acquiesced.
He took a deep breath. "Once upon a time …"
"Colonel."
General Hammond used the word 'Colonel' with many different inflections. This particular inflection said 'get to the point quickly or you'll be scrubbing the latrines at McMurdo for the rest of your career'.
Damn it.
Quit stalling, O'Neill!
Flashback to previous night begins here:
Jack looked around for his first victim, his evil eye landing on his 2IC. "Carter …," he drawled. "Truth or dare?"
"Uhm … truth," Sam declared.
"Do you deliberately confuse me with techno-babble to get me to leave you alone?"
"Dare," Sam said quickly, her eyes skittering away from his.
He knew it. "Truth, Carter; you picked truth," he reminded her.
"Double dare, double dare!" his 2IC yelled, bouncing agitatedly in her seat.
"Okay …". Jack paused. Evilly. And grinned. Again evilly. "You have to call up General Hammond and tell him you love all bald men."
Sam barely hesitated – wow, she must be really plowed – and stretched out a long slim arm to grab the phone. And then she dialed, pausing to stick her tongue out at Jack and blow a raspberry.
"Oh … my … God!" Janet squeaked from her position on Daniel's lap. "She's gonna do it!"
"Go, Sam!" Daniel crowed, nuzzling Janet's neck with his lips. Daniel was so funny when he was drunk, although he tended to get … affectionate. Seemed as though the evil little Doc didn't mind too much.
"Good evening, Sergeant," Sam said in a low purring tone that got Jack's … attention. Oh, yeah. "This is Major Carter. Could you transfer me to General Hammond, please?"
Hell, if she ever used that voice on him, he'd …
Jack cut off that thought before it could form fully.
"Put him on speaker phone!" Jonas said from around the pile of nachos he'd stuffed into his mouth. The boy was a bottomless pit.
Sam glared at Jonas and Jack snickered. He'd been the recipient of that glare a few times tonight – it was about time someone else got the Carter patented 'eyeball of doom'.
"Sorry, Sam," Jonas mumbled, still a little the worse for wear, but a bit more sober now that he'd gotten some food inside of him.
Sam took two more tequila shots while she waited for Hammond to answer. Oh, she was so gonna hurt tomorrow!
Jack couldn't bring himself to feel sorry for her. She'd told him at the beginning of the evening that she and tequila didn't mix. Served her right. Besides, he had his own impending hangover to worry about.
"Uncle Georgie!" Sam finally squealed, causing Jack and Jonas – on either side of her – to wince. The woman had a fine set of lungs.
And Jack was so gonna bust her chops about the 'Uncle Georgie' thing the next day.
"I lo-o-o-ve you," Sam said into the receiver. "Your head's all shiny. I lo-o-o-ve bald men."
Then she pouted. "Okay, Uncle Georgie," she said. "Night-night." She put down the phone, then stared at Jack defiantly. "I did it!" she said.
Then put her tongue out at him again.
"Real mature, Sam," he told her.
And received another raspberry in response.
Oh yeah. She was completely trashed.
Sam stuck out her bottom lip, ignoring the fact that she was way too old to be pouting. "Why's everyone picking on me tonight?" she whined.
"Inquiring minds," Daniel said in a grave professorial tone that sat ill with the fact that he was drunk out of his mind and had a tanked doctor snuggled up against him, snoring into his neck.
The man squinted myopically at her, having bust his glasses during an ill-advised attempt at swing-dancing with Janet. "So … were you ever a cheerleader?" he persisted.
Sam closed her eyes. The jig was up. "Yes," she admitted. "JV. After that, I got too tall."
"Cool!" Daniel declared.
Now, that was just creepy. When had he and Jack switched personalities?
"So, Samantha …," her CO began in a dangerous silky purr.
"John," she said, sucking down another tequila.
He grimaced at the use of his proper first name. "Still got the moves?"
"Oh, brother," Sam muttered.
"What's a … cheerleader?" Jonas asked. Then pointed at Jack. "And why's he grinning like an idiot?"
Sam looked at her CO and, sure enough, he had a wide lusty smirk on his face. She shoved at his shoulder. "Aren't you a bit old for the cheerleaders, sir?" she asked.
He snickered. "Hey, I never claimed to be mature, Carter," he said.
"Sha-am …," Jonas complained. "What's a cheerleader?"
"Hey, Carter; it might be easier if you just showed him," her CO said. He grinned widely. "Still got the moves?"
Sam closed her eyes, then opened them to eyeball the Colonel menacingly. "Ever been beaten up by a cheerleader?" she growled.
He didn't exactly seem intimidated, she noted with chagrin.
"Sha-am … I wanna see your moves!" Jonas said. Then he gave her the Jonas-patented wagging-tail puppy-dog look. "Please?"
"Fine," Sam sighed and got up off the settee.
Oh, boy. Did she ever have the moves!
Jack gulped as his beautiful 2IC swiveled her hips and a hot little rounded ass to whatever tune was playing through her head, then switched to a bump and grind that would have done a stripper proud.
Since when were science geeks so sexy? Maybe he shouldn't have cut chem classes so much!
Then he remembered what he'd been doing instead of chem classes – studying an entirely different kind of chemistry with Mandy under the bleachers – and snickered into his beer. Naaaaaaaaah!
Then Sam yanked off her sweater, leaving her torso bare except for a sweeet little hot pink tank top that showed off several inches of soft skin and a cute little belly button.
A cute little belly button that …
"Sham's got her belly button pierced!" Jonas slurred around his beer. Then he slung a friendly arm around Jack's neck, almost strangling him. "She looks hot, doesn't she?"
Must not kill Jonas, must not kill Jonas, must not kill Jonas.
Jack eyeballed the younger man, who couldn't take his eyes off Sam's gyrating body. "Hot?" Funny how quickly the Kelownan had adapted to American slang, whereas T seemed to still struggle.
"Yeah!" Jonas said. "Hot, sexy, fine, beautiful, sexy." He belched. "Did I mention sexy?"
"Indeed," Teal'c said, a small appreciative smile playing over his lips. "Samantha Carter is a very beautiful woman."
Sam's movements halted suddenly. Then she sauntered over to the three guys sitting on Jack's long settee. "You think I'm hot?" she asked, bending over and taking Jonas's chin in her hand.
Giving the young puppy a great view down that sweet little tank top.
Must not kill Jonas, must not kill Jonas, must not kill Jonas.
Jonas blushed right up to his hairline and he babbled incoherently in what Jack suspected was his native tongue. Daniel could've probably translated, except that he'd joined Fraiser in her nap, cuddling her like a human sized teddy bear.
"Sir?"
And now that hand was on his chin and he was getting the great view down that sweet little tank top.
"Ah, come off it, Carter!" he snorted. "You know you're hot!"
Shit.
Brain; meet mouth. Mouth; meet brain. Now try working in tandem!
"Aww, thank you, sir," Sam said, plopping down into his lap and winding her arms around his neck. "You're hot, too!"
And now she was grinding that cute little rounded ass into him, causing all his blood to boil and rush south. You'd think all the beer he'd consumed would've killed it, but nope! Raring to go. "I am not … hot," he said, attempting to get Cuddly Carter off his lap. But not too assiduously. His body really, really liked having her there.
Cuddly Carter wiggled against him. "Y'are," she said. "Big brown eyes, silver hair stickin' up a-a-a-a-l-l-l-l over and a tight little ass." She giggled, then wiggled again. "Half the women – and some of the guys – on the base think you're the sweetest thing on two legs."
Guys? Euwww; he didn't need to know that! His brain cackled gleefully: 'Over fifty, and you still got it, Jack m'boy!'.
"Yep," came another female voice.
Check out who woke up from her little siesta. "Shit. Not you as well, Doc?" Jack groaned.
"What?" Janet gestured with a wobbly little hand. "I might be a doctor, but I'm still a woman. And you've got a good sexy body. The nurses you don't terrorize think you're a babe."
Had the Doc's Southern accent always been that strong? Or was she flirting with him?
"Yeah." Sam nodded her head vigorously and slung her free arm around Jonas. "I work with the four sexiest men in the world. It's like my very own hot guys calendar."
Back in the briefing room:
George Hammond was getting a headache. He sometimes wondered how this collection of oddballs managed to make up the greatest team he'd ever had the privilege of commanding.
Yet it couldn't be denied that their strong bond, their friendship, their sense of family played a big part in their effectiveness. The dynamics had changed slightly during Daniel Jackson's absence, but Jonas had found his own place amongst the team, and they'd gotten along well.
And now that Doctor Jackson was back on SG-1, and Jonas had returned to Earth – likely permanently – the sense of family was back. And as a close family, they had to go nuts occasionally or they would go nuts.
So George Hammond patiently massaged his brow and gestured for Jack to continue the story. He suspected there was a lot not being said, but he was in a "Don't ask, don't tell" mood.
There were just some things he was better off not knowing.
Back to the previous evening:
Sam sighed as she saw the disbelieving frown on the Colonel's face. How could he not see what she and so many other women saw? He never seemed to realize when a woman was interested in him – they practically had to whack him upside the head with a two by four to let him know!
Sam snickered as she remembered that evening years ago watching the meteors on Edora. Laira had so been interested in the Colonel, but as usual he'd been clueless. From what he'd said after his return several months later, she'd had to grab him and kiss him.
The last time Sam had grabbed him and kissed him, he'd had brown hair and she'd been out of her mind. Or perhaps more sane than in the years that had passed since.
She cuddled into the sexy man, tracing his cheekbones with a finger and lingering on one of the long dimples near his mouth. She yawned and giggled when he echoed the yawn. "I'm sleepy," she told him solemnly.
Then her stomach lurched. "Ohhh …," she moaned. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
"Christ, Carter; you look like shit," her CO told her, grabbing her in a strong embrace and hauling her up to the bathroom.
The silver-tongued devil.
Back in the briefing room:
Sam watched the Colonel as he gave General Hammond a sanitized version of their previous night's stupidity. She had her own gaps, thanks to the half bottle of tequila she'd consumed, but she vaguely recalled … sitting in his lap.
And his interest had certainly been … ahem … piqued. In spite of the impressive amount of alcohol he'd put away.
Which made her wonder. If he could be that interested when plowed, what would he be like without the booze?
Sam flushed bright red and massaged the back of her neck. Damn; was it hot in here?
"All right; that's enough, Colonel," Hammond said. His eyes squinched tightly shut for a second, and he looked like he was fighting a migraine. He eyeballed SG-1. "Three of you are not military, but you should know better than to show up to work hung over. And as for you, Major and Colonel" – Sam gulped as he eyed her with a steely glare – "this will be noted on your permanent record. Now, gear up for P2K 743. And Jonas; SG-11 needs a linguist today, so you'll go with them."
"Yes, sir," Jonas said quietly, followed by various murmurs of acquiescence.
"Good." Hammond sure was pissed. "Dismissed."
George Hammond shook his head and chuckled as his favorite oddballs walked out of the briefing room.
They were intelligent.
They were dedicated.
They were brave, honorable and resourceful.
They were completely nuts.
And he really liked them.
God help him.