(A/N: I reposted this because I saw the headings and the dates; they were all so muddlingly confusing that I couldn't take it. Sorry for the inconvenience... As I was saying, I love spur-of-the-moment stories.)
Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura. I own whatever their personalities are in this story and any character that I make up. I own my storyline.
So Far Away
Friday, July 7
I made a new friend today. Which is a first, because I don't easily make friends.
I was online, surfing around for something interesting to pass the time with, when I spotted an interesting-looking link. Unfortunately for me, it took me right to one of those online chatrooms, in which all the people are usually either mentally disturbed or just perverted.
As it was, as soon as I clicked that link, I was besieged by all sorts of vulgar messages. Here's how one of the politer conversations went:
TheCrazyMolester: Hey …howlingatthemoon. 'Sup man? Wanna make out?
Shinee: TCM, it's called "online sex".
Ingrateful4Lyfe: LOL
Shinee: bows
TheCrazyMolester: Fine then, smartass. You wanna have online sex then, Howlie?
Shinee: I think you're scaring the poor guy away. You ARE a guy…right?
TheCrazyMolester: Course I am…you wanna join? I'm guessing you're a girl. We can be a bi triangle!
Shinee: I'm fine, thanks.
TheCrazyMolester: Suit yourself…we're gonna have lotsa funnnn…ooh..uh. uh. Uh.
I read these without registering anything but disgust. My cursor strayed to the top right-hand corner of the screen, intending to shut the whole chaotic conversation off from my life. But then, purely by chance, I noticed someone on the list of people in the chatroom…the only person other than me, perhaps, that was not talking, and had not talked since I had arrived. I scrolled up and checked the history of the conversation. The person, TheBlossom was her name, hadn't said a single word throughout the entire time she'd been there.
For some reason, I felt inexplicably drawn towards her (I could only assume it was a "her", since "TheBlossom" seems quite effeminate), and I clicked on the link that would take me to a private conversation with her. When it opened, I blocked out everyone else and began to type.
Howlingatthemoon: Hey.
Howlingatthemoon: Annoying, aren't they?
TheBlossom: Who r you?
Howlingatthemoon: I could ask you the same…
TheBlossom: Why are you talking 2 me?
Howlingatthemoon: Curiosity. Why aren't you talking out there?
TheBlossom: I could ask you the same…
Howlingatthemoon: lol
TheBlossom: Burned. : )
She made me laugh. I can't ever remember laughing at someone online. It was just...so un-Syaoran. I didn't even normally laugh, at anything. Yet this girl, this girl I didn't even know, managed to make me laugh so easily. Why?
She made me laugh several more times, but the conversations I won't record here. They're probably about a meter long, if you pulled them out of the computer and measured them, but I think they will be the start of several ingenious inside jokes.
We continued talking, for about half an hour more, until she had to go. But not before we exchanged emails and promised to keep in touch.
Sunday, July 30We're in the middle of a heat wave. I think the circuits in my brain are slowly frying. Just like the ones in my computer. I had to cut a conversation with Blossom today short, because I was afraid the whole damn thing might blow up on me. She said that she probably should go too, mentioning that the keys on her keyboard felt a bit too warm for comfort.
Strangely enough, it gave me comfort, knowing that she was close enough to me to also be feeling the effects of the heat wave. But then, she could be across the sea, miles upon uncountable miles away, in some obscure place where the heat was just as harsh. But I hoped she was close.
See, the thing is, Blossom and I have become pretty good friends. We tell each other practically everything that goes on in our lives. I know about how her brother teases her, and how annoyed she'll get at her retard teachers when school starts, and how many "womanly" chores she has to do around the house because her mother isn't there to do them. She, in turn, knows how my sisters tease me, and how annoyed I'll get at my retard teachers when school starts, and how many "manly" chores I have to do because my father isn't here to do them.
In short, we have a lot in common. And it's strange, because I like it. I like knowing that there's someone like me out there…
Monday, August 8I can't believe this… My mother has forbidden me to use the computer, because she's "worried about my social life". Hah! What social life? I'm a loner at school. Nobody likes me. Nobody's even tried to get to know me. Nobody wants to like the straight-A and honour-roll student, teacher's pet, and star of the athletics team. Nobody wants to be seen with the soon-to-be rich and famous leader of the Li Clan, at least not while he's dressed like that.
I don't give a damn. If I'd be popular only if I'd dress differently, then why bother? People won't like me for who I am…just who I look like. And what's wrong with bellbottom pants anyway? They give me the retro look.
I think the only other person in school who's as "loner" as I am is that Kinomoto girl. Man…if people think I'm dressed weirdly, they should take a look at her. She always wears the strangest combination of sweatpants and the kind of t-shirts you'd find on the clearance racks at the mall. The same pair of flat brown shoes, thick black glasses, and makeup-less face complete the set. And let's not forget the books she always has in her arms. Yep. She's labeled "geek" all over.
I don't think I mind her that much though. She's actually quite nice, once you talk to her for a bit and she loosens up. But the only reason I talked to her was because we had to do a class project, in which partners were mandatory, and she and I were the only ones without. So, naturally, we got paired together. But that was the only time I talked to her. I do have some self-respect.
I should probably go now, before mom comes in and takes away my journal, too.
Saturday, September 1Ahh…my precious computer. I finally have it back.
After two long weeks of no human contact (apart from my family, which really gets annoying after a while), I was even happier than usual today to talk to Blossom. After all the informal greetings of "I thought you were dead", and "I was, but now I'm alive again. How was your life?", we talked about school. It starts on Monday, and needless to say, we're both not looking forward to it.
I found out that Blossom is kind of alone at school too. She didn't tell me straight out, but I get it from the slow responses she makes when we talk about it. She probably thinks I'm some uber-popular guy who has dozens of fan clubs all around the place, and she gets herself unnerved by it. Like she thinks I'd judge her just by how many (or little) friends she has, which just goes to show that she still doesn't totally trust me.
Not that I trust her completely either, because the one subject we carefully avoid is the subject of romance in school. I, unfortunately, have a serious crush on this popular girl, Linda. She's one of the only popular people in school who are loved for their looks, money, brains, athletic talent, and her personality, all at once. The last one is the one I think I fell for. She's really nice to everyone, including me.
I still remember that day…it was when I dropped my books down a flight of stairs because I was…erhem…too busy looking…uhh…somewhere else. Yes. So while the rest of her friends were laughing their heads off at me, she just frowned at them and ran down the stairs to help me pick up my books. She didn't seem to care whether I was a loner or not. She seemed to genuinely care about me. A few times after that, when I've passed her in the hallways, she's even stopped talking to her friends and said hi to me.
She's great, I know…but that's the one thing I can't talk to Blossom about, and probably the one thing I really need to talk about, to a girl. But the whole romancy thing would just ruin our friendship…and make it so awkward. I do want her to trust me though. She doesn't have to tell me anything about her life she doesn't want to, and vice versa. We just should be there for each other when times are rough.
So I think…I think I'll tell her next time we talk. I'll tell her that I'm alone too.
Friday, September 24Almost a month into school, and I still haven't found a friend. I see everyone else socializing…walking together to class, sharing homework answers and gossiping behind teachers' backs, eating lunch together…
But not me. As usual.
Anyway…Today was, to say the least, extremely dull. On a scale of 1-10, ten being the highest level of boredom known to mankind, it would be an easy 20. The History Club (don't ask) had decided to organize a school-wide History of the World marathon, in which we had to cram as many World History videos into the day as we could. We weren't even allowed break time. The teachers seemed to think it educational, which was just stupid, since three quarters of the people were asleep.
I looked over at Kinomoto today in class, for some strange obscure reason that I couldn't even begin to comprehend, and I saw her sleeping with her head pillowed on one of her over-large sweaters. I wondered why she had it; it was a very warm day.
But as I looked at her, some strange feeling came up inside of me. It was as if…as if I knew her from somewhere. I thought long and hard, but couldn't remember any place where I'd met her, apart from school, and I couldn't imagine any place where I'd want to meet her. Still, I remembered the time when we were partners, and from the deep, dark depths of my mind came something frightening. A few small tendrils of affection wound their way into my mind as I gazed at her sleeping form.
As soon as I realized this, my eyes grew wide in horror and my mind reeled, seemingly punishing itself for thinking such thoughts. Shaking my head, I turned my attention back to the television screen and tried to lose myself in the horrifying mixture of monotone voices and bad acting skills.
Thinking back on it now though, I remember…it wasn't such a bad feeling.
Wednesday, November 15It's getting colder outside. Ski forms from the athletic council went home today, announcing to the world that our skiing team would again be competing in the regional championships. I'm glad to say that I wasn't bad enough to get cut from the team this year. But I'm still not good enough to be our lead skier. I had the worst shock when I found out who was. Take a wild guess…
Yeah. It's Kinomoto.
Surprisingly, Blossom was also on her school's ski team. I asked if maybe we could meet each other at the finals. She laughed, and asked which part of the world I was in. After telling her, she was silent for a minute. Then she laughed even more (in shock this time, I think) and said yes, we could meet at the finals. That was just about the best news I'd ever had.
Friday, December 3Didn't have much time to write throughout November. The AC (athletic council) booked a whole ski resort for the entire month, just so we could practice (hey, our school is rich. We can do things like that). With extra homework on top of that, because midterms were coming up, I had almost no time to do anything else. But I still went online. Turns out Blossom's pretty busy too, so we settled for emails rather than our usual online chatroom.
Anyway…today was the day of the skiing competition. I'm proud (and slightly surprised) to say that Kinomoto did very, very well. So well, in fact, that she brought the victory home. A memorable moment came today.
After her race, and hearing the final decision of the judges saying that we had won, we hoisted her up on our shoulders and skied around with her, carrying the trophy. I looked up at her, and for a moment the sun shone off the snow and bounced directly into her face. It was illuminated, and she became like some heavenly being sent down to earth. The rays of light caught in her hair, and made the individual strands shine like never before, fluttering in the cold breeze. But the look on her face…that look on her face when we raised her up above our heads, chanting and cheering her name…that look on her face was worth every single bruise I got throughout the entire day.
I don't think I didtoo badly. I won four races out of five, and the last one I only lost because my ski came loose and I completely wiped out on a black-diamond hill. Moguls hate me. It was still all worthwhile in the end though.
The only thing that marred today was the fact that Blossom didn't show. I waited for her for the entire day, and even took to walking aimlessly around the chalet to eavesdrop on the other schools, without much success.
When I went online today and was about to confront her though, she said that she did the same, and even talked to a few people. We forgot about it in the end. The competition was too exciting. The strange thing is, she seemed to have been watching the races from almost the same point of view as I had been. Our conversations took us to discover that we'd seen almost everything each other had, and made me wonder why I hadn't seen her.
Another strange thing…today, Kinomoto was looking around a lot. It was almost as if she was waiting for somebody. Even weirder, she went up to the captain of the other team that was in the finals, a guy, and talked to him for about five seconds before the look on his face sent her away. I felt bad for her. She must have been desperate. I wonder why…
Tuesday, January 7There's something wrong with me. There's something terribly, terribly wrong with me. I have no idea how to cure it, I have no idea how something like this could even happen to the likes of me. And the strangest thing is, I don't mind it. Not one bit.
Here's how it happened…
I was talking to Blossom online…again. I knew I should have been working, but I was too engrossed in our conversation to even think about something as meaningless as homework. Blossom was getting her driver's license, and she was frantically asking me for help. I was laughing at her, both online and in reality, and the screen was rapidly filling up with numerous "lol"s and smiley faces. She, of course, was getting gradually more disgruntled and annoyed at my presence, until she finally threatened to block me if I didn't provide some help.
Immediately, I stopped laughing at her, and became the role model of helpfulness…until she said something so unbelievably stupid that I couldn't help but burst into laughter. My fingers automatically reached for the l and o keys. Before I could help it, I had typed in "lol" about ten times over. She snapped, I think. Barely two seconds later, just as I was typing out an apology, my screen went blank. She had left, without a single word of goodbye, or condolence, or anything hinting that she'd come back.
And in that moment, as I realized what she had done, I felt empty. To say the least. And I thought, for a moment there, that I had really blown it this time, and lost her forever.
So she was just a random person in cyberspace. So what? She was my only friend. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized…I wanted to be more than friends. Without knowing it, I had fallen in love with Blossom Blossom: my online confidant, my lantern that lit up the darkness of the day, my dearest friend in the history of the galaxy, my sole reason for living in this world that had shut me out.
And I was afraid. Of my own feelings. Why? Why did it have to be her? Sure, she might be more reachable than Linda (who, by the way, was pretty damn unreachable. She was out of my league.), but she was in a whole other world from me. And in that other world, she could seek refuge from people like me, people who laughed at her, and perhaps scorned her efforts. I had bridged that gap between my world and hers, momentarily, with that fragile connection we shared.. But now…I didn't know if I had it anymore.
But maybe I'm overreacting. I'm pretty sure I'm her only friend too. She wouldn't shut me out, just because of a few laughs. I hope. I think though, we shared something more than friendship. After all, you can be friends with anybody if you make the effort. But we…we shared understanding. She understood me, so totally that she probably knew me better than herself. And vice versa. We could finish each other's sentences, and know exactly how the other person felt, at any given time. Maybe that's why I fell in love with her. Because she understood.
I abused that. I had laughed at her when she needed me. Maybe now…maybe now she thinks that I don't understand her either. But I hope against it. And that's all I can do. Hope.
Sunday, January 23I can't believe this. She still hasn't unblocked me, and I think she's just deleting my emails.
I don't think I can go on like this much longer. I'm human, after all. I need companionship too. True, I didn't haveit in all my elementary years. But now that I've met Blossom, I wonder how I'd ever gone without.
Thursday, January 30Isn't it strange how one word from someone important to us can make us cry? Or laugh? Or feel as if we were on top of the world? I sure think it is. I haven't been this happy in…almost a month. Yeah. She's talking to me again.
Last night, I couldn't sleep. So I switched on the radio and turned the dial till I found something that sounded interesting. It was some late-night love show, and it was really weird because they were playing all these songs about people who had breakups and wanted to be together again.
As I listened, I was reminded so strongly of the face (or what I imagined her face to be like) that I tried to forget. Blossom's. And I thought…I never actually got around to asking her for her real name. Whatever it was though, it couldn't be as good as the one she used now. Blossom. My Blossom.
Linda pales now, in comparison to her. Sure, she's nice enough. But who cares? She's not my friend, and never will be. Even if she were, she could never be as close to me as…as Blossom is.
And I lay there, listening to those slow songs, which I don't usually like, and thinking…
At last, I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and turned on the computer. Signing on to my email account, I wrote her a letter. Yeah, I'd sent her tons of letters before. But I had a feeling about this one. I don't know how, or why, but I did.
In the letter, I apologized for all I did. And I told her…many things. Not that. But many other things. I told her things that I'd forgotten, or just hadn't gotten around to saying before. I told her that she was my dearest friend, my closest confidante, the first person I thought of when someone said the word "companion", and about how I logged on immediately to that chatroom almost every day as soon as I got home from school. I told her I was lucky that day…that day when I decided to talk to her. I told her I was lucky that I met her. I told her that if I hadn't, I'd probably be dead. And I told her…I told her that I was alone.
In one letter, I poured out my heart as I never had before, to the one person that it all mattered. I left out only one detail.
After that, I fell deeply asleep, with the radio still on.
The next day, she replied. Words can't describe how I felt as I read her letter, just as she said that words couldn't describe how she felt when she read mine.
Turns out I was just in time to help her study for her driver's ed.
Tuesday, February 14Today is Valentine's Day. There's only one person on my mind.
It was dull at school today. We had our annual Valentine's dance, with all the usual kissing and making out amongst the usual couples of the school, and awkward slow dancing amongst all the others who liked each other but didn't have the guts to tell. I imagined what it would be like if Blossom were at my school. Would we be laughing secretly at all the goings-on? Or… would we be dancing because I had finally plucked up the courage to tell her how I felt? The latter seemed too good to be true.
After I came home, I logged online to see if Blossom was available to talk. When I clicked around for half an hour and still didn't find her, I remembered that she had her driver's test today. I hope it's all going okay. We had both stayed up late last night, studying and reviewing all her lesson material over for the umpteenth time.
It was odd though, because we'd never been up so late talking before. When the luminous numbers on my radio clock showed 1:00 am, and I realized that everyone in my house was asleep, an unfamiliar feeling came over me. It was like we were the only two people in the entire world, the only two people living and breathing and still functioning consciously. In that moment, I felt like telling her...
But I didn't. She was already over-stressed as it was.
I slept in the early hours of morning, tired but happy that I could help, and wishing her luck in my dreams.
That was mostly my day. But I did see something this afternoon that I found kind of disturbing…
As I turned on the TV to catch the 4:00 movie, I flicked by the news channel. An aerial view of the area around a neighborhood north of the school came into view. It looked like someone had been in a car accident or something. As the camera zoomed in, my breath caught as I saw the shattered remains of a white car, its rear bumper completely torn away and lying about ten feet off to the side. The hood of the car was in pieces some way off as well, the metal twisted into such a shape that was obviously completely beyond repair. The body of the car itself was lying upside down in a ditch beside the road. Looking at it from this point, it seemed as though two of the wheels were missing, and there was shining stuff on the ground, which I took to be shattered glass.
Emergency vehicles crowded around the scene, with yellow police lines stretching away to block of the road in every direction. As I watched, paramedics rushed around, and two separate teams of them carried two large, human-shaped bundles and loaded them into the ambulances. I shuddered. There was no way anyone could have survived a crash like that.
Glancing around for another vehicle, I realized that what I had mistaken for a dark patch in the ground was actually a truck. It was lying on its side on the other side of the road.
I finally tuned in to the voice of the news reporter.
"…and here we are live at the scene of the crash, where two vehicles, each supposedly going about 50mph, crashed into each other. The rain had made the road slippery, and it apparently hazed the vision of the truck driver, so that he could not see the dividing line on the road. Officials are saying that they had not yet gotten around to repainting the line a brighter yellow, as had been scheduled for later this year…"
What a day, huh?
Wednesday, March 22It's been over a month. A whole month of waiting…torturous waiting. A month…and no word from Blossom.
I can't say it's been uneventful though. My life has changed drastically, as has the whole life of our school, I think. That accident I saw on the news on Valentine's Day? Kinomoto had been driving. Or rather, Sakura had been driving. It seems disrespectful to call her by her last name now that she's…gone.
Apparently, she had been taking her driver's ed., and while driving on the road, the truck careened into her way and crashed. A head-on collision, with only two measly airbags and rock-hard headrests to cushion the body. She and her instructor had died instantly.
It's still a shock, though over a month has passed since she left. I can't really believe that she's gone. Ki—Sakura was always there. No matter if you wanted her there or not, she always was there. She'd become a part of everyday school life. It's been so different lately, walking down the hallway to my locker, expecting her to be at hers, getting her books. But she's not there anymore. And she never will be again.
I was invited to attend the funeral, to my great surprise and guilt. Her father remembered me from that project.
On the day of the funeral, mother made me dress all in black, and I bought a bunch of the reddest, most beautiful roses I could find, to lay them by her grave.
Upon arrival, I saw cars stretching in every direction, and people marching purposefully across the rain-drenched lawns. I followed them until we came upon a clearing beyond a line of old pine trees. A grave was there, the encrypted tombstone already in place. The coffin rested beside the hole on a stand, its brown wood shining in the mist.
And so I stood there, a stranger intruding in a family's grief, away from everyone else. I saw them all; the way they walked, as if they carried a heavy burden. Their hands, their eyes as they looked at Sakura's still face resting inside the coffin. I looked too. And suddenly, she wasn't the timid, geeky girl who let herself be bullied and picked on. No. In that moment as I watched her family surrounding her, I realized…she was a completely different person. She was loved. So dearly, and by so many people. And I felt it too.
Her father saw me standing a little off to the side, and came to stand near me. We didn't talk; we only shared that moment, remembering.
I saw Sakura yet again, at school. It was the first day of the semester this year, and she had come in without her usual thick glasses. I think it was the first time many of us had actually seen her eyes clearly. They were the most unusual shade of forest-green, and they somehow completed her look. When the light came through the window and shone onto her face, her eyes glittered like fallen stars, reflecting the soul deep within. I hadn't realized their significance until now. They made her beautiful. And the thought of them never opening again…
Her father was motionless. I glanced at him, looked into his eyes that had a resemblance to his daughters, and saw pain. Only pain.
Looking away, I remembered that Sakura didn't have a mother. For the first time, I think I saw a little bit of what her father must have been going through. To lose two of the people that meant so much to him in his life…I couldn't even imagine. I felt a huge admiration for this man, who had been through so much, and yet still had the courage to hold his head up high and go through with life. And her brother, too.
He stood on the other side of his father, gazing silently at the coffin. A young woman with reddish-brown hair came and took his hand. He didn't look away from Sakura, but his grip tightened around the woman's hand.
Finally, the priest arrived. He was very old, his bald head shining dully, reflecting the gloom of the day. Then the band struck up the saddestintroduction I'd ever heard, and thena single flute started playing into the still air. The melody drifted away, past the fields just starting to turn green, surrounding the whole funeral party with its haunting loveliness, finding its way into our ears and into our hearts, and releasing the tears that I never knew I had for someone like Sakura.
As the coffin was lowered into the grave, I wasn't the only one who was crying. Two clarinets joined the flute, their high melodies intertwining, and soaring high, high up into the distant sky. And…in that moment, in that infinitesimally short moment when the instruments reached the highest note, I felt Sakura's soul…I felt her eyes upon us. Her presence surrounded me, gently, and beside me her father drew in his breath. Every single person's eyes lifted skyward, as we all felt her love.
And then, just like that, she was gone. Her spirit was soaring away, as free as the bird that trilled along with the tune, floating up, up, up…until it broke through heaven's gates and came at last to rest in the hand of God.
Saturday, April 18It's been over two months. Two months since Sakura died, and two months since Blossom disappeared.
I still hope, sure. I still hope that one day I'll log on, and find Blossom there on the other end, ready to share her day with me again. I still hope that one day I'll open my email inbox, and find a letter from her, telling me how sorry she was that she couldn't come online for such a long time.
But deep down, I think…I know…that I hope in vain. Don't ask me how I know. I just do.
Sometimes, I think about Sakura. And Blossom. And I wonder…I wonder about the most impossible things. Sometimes I dream that Sakura is Blossom, and Blossom is Sakura. Could it be so impossible? I hope it is. But…I think I hope in vain.
My heart aches. I never imagined in all my life, that I would be sad over a girl. And Blossom…if she really is Sakura, I'd have met her before. I've had dreams about meeting Blossom, and telling her how much I love her. But I've never met her before. And now, I don't think I ever will.
But have I met her before? Perhaps…in some other place…in some other time, I've seen her. Perhaps…in that parallel universe, in that cyberspace we lived in, I've talked to her face-to-face. Have I? Or was that only a dream?
But it wasn't a dream. I know now. Don't ask me how I know. I just do. Sakura is Blossom. Blossom is Sakura. I loved Sakura. I really and truly did. And now she's gone. I never got to tell her…
Though I'm certain, I can still hope. But I know, I know this time, that I hope in vain.
Still, I think I'll send her one more email. Just in case.