She learns pretty quickly that dating someone she's known for ten years has its perks. Like they already know each other's families—vaguely, of course, from childhood birthday parties and classroom parent volunteering—so "meeting" his parents for the first time isn't a big deal at all. They gush over how much she's grown and all their memories of how smart and sweet she always was. And when each of her parents meets Austin, they're just as thrilled.

But it also has its drawbacks. Like he knows her far too well for it being so early in their relationship. And sure, maybe it's because they've been spending an inordinate amount of time together the past couple months, but no boyfriend has ever been this in tune with the signals she never even realized she was giving off.

She's fully aware that him being able to read her so well shouldn't be a bad thing—and for the most part, it isn't. Like, for example, his ability to pick up on even the slightest shifts in her breathing and body language has made for the best sex she's ever had. Definitely not a bad thing.

But it also means he knows the exact moment a toxic thought enters her mind. She always feels his sideways glances, and he usually starts up a random conversation just to get her mind on something else.

Except this time, as they're snuggling on her couch on a lazy Saturday while her dad is working and the sudden, panicked urge to leave crosses the forefront of her mind, he sits up and gently shrugs her head off his shoulder.

"Let's talk," he says softly, reaching for the remote and pausing the TV before turning to face her.

She purses her lips. Either he's going to bring up the way she's been acting lately, or he's breaking up with her. Both of those sound like pretty difficult conversations. But she nods anyway.

"So, the two- to three-month mark is usually around the time you've said you tend to end relationships. And I've kinda felt you pulling away lately."

"I don't wanna break up," she says in a rush, and the admission makes her heart pound. But his small smile comforts her.

"I know. But…you're getting that fight or flight thing, right?"

She nods, looking down. "I'm trying to ignore it, I really am." Then she looks up at him. "I really like you, Austin. I've just never actually fought that impulse to leave before."

"I don't want you to ignore it," he says. "I think we both know that won't make it go away. But maybe we could come up with some kind of plan for when it does happen?" he suggests. "Is there anything I can say or do to, like, ease that fear in those moments? Or if I feel you pulling away, would you rather I just leave you alone to work through it on your own?"

The soft, slightly distracted intensity in his eyes as he tries to think takes her a little off guard. No one's ever asked her if they could actually help her before, even when she's mentioned her commitment issues stem from a childhood trauma. They've tried distracting her and begged her to ignore her urges to leave, but no one has ever asked what she wants them to do in those moments. She almost wants to cry.

"I…I don't…"

"If you aren't sure, that's okay too. I just feel like if we can have, like, a plan for those moments, then maybe it'll get easier to get through them, and we can do it together. And then, you know, if you wanna break up with me down the line for talking with my mouth full or hating pickles or something, at least you'll be able to go into future relationships more prepared for the long-term."

She throws her arms around him without thinking, burying her face in his shoulder. He wraps his arms securely around her waist. She tightens her grip.

"No one has ever cared this much before or been this thoughtful," she says quietly.

"You deserve not to panic every time you remember how much you care about someone," he says. "And you deserve a happy ending someday with someone you love."

She pulls away to look at him, keeping her arms around his neck. "I haven't asked you at all about your own pattern. When do you usually end relationships?"

"Same as you, I guess. But…" He shakes his head. "It doesn't matter. That connection I was looking for…it's you." He searches her eyes. "Ally, I think I'm falling in love with you."

Her heart threatens to burst as she kisses him, forcefully shoving the toxic, panicked thoughts to the back of her mind. And as his lips slowly curve into a smile while he tightens his arms around her waist, there's no room in her head for those thoughts anyway.

She moves onto his lap without breaking the kiss, her knees on either side of his hips. He tangles the fingers of one hand in her hair and pulls her closer.

"I was really worried telling you that would freak you out," he murmurs against her lips, the smile still in his voice.

She doesn't tell him that she is freaking out until later that night, when they're laying in her bed in the dark and her back is pressed against his chest so she can't see the hurt and disappointment on his face.

But all he does is tighten his arms around her and press a kiss to the back of her neck. "I know," he says softly, moving one hand to rest over her pounding heart. For some reason, it calms her a little. "But thank you for telling me. Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really," she whispers, staring into the darkness. She expects him to try getting her to talk about it anyway, because it can't feel great to hear your girlfriend is freaking out at the idea of you falling in love with her.

"Okay." He nuzzles his nose in her hair. "Do you wanna talk about something else?" He slowly brushes his thumb over her collarbone, back and forth, again and again, and her eyes flutter closed.

"You're the best boyfriend I've ever had," she says, and she feels his lips curve into a smile as he kisses the back of her neck again. "Thank you for being so understanding."

"Thank you for giving me a real, fighting chance." He tightens his arms around her, pulling her closer into him and entangling their legs together.

She turns over in his arms and finds his eyes in the darkness. "You deserve it," she says. "And…so do I."

His smile grows, and he kisses her. When they pull away, he presses his forehead against hers. And eventually, she falls asleep like that.

When he invites her on a cabin trip with his family over winter break, she surprises both of them by accepting immediately. Even though none of her relationships have ever lasted this long, and even though she still has the panicked temptation to leave in the back of her mind, she says yes without even having to think about it.

And that's how she finds herself playing soccer with Austin and all ten of his little cousins, and taking the ruthless honesty that can only come from kids while Austin just laughs in the background.

"You're not very good at this," one of her teammates says, an eight-year-old with blonde pigtails. "Are you sure you know how to play? You're supposed to kick the ball in the net."

"I never really played sports as a kid," Ally says.

"We can tell."

"Ava, be nice," Austin says in between giggles.

Then they all get called in for dinner, and the kids sprint into the huge house while Austin and Ally take their time.

"You weren't that bad," Austin says, intertwining their fingers. "They're just competitive. And they show their love in weird ways. They like you, though."

Ally chuckles. "It's okay. But what's it like having such a big age difference between all your cousins?"

Austin shrugs. "I don't really mind it. I have a couple cousins my age on my dad's side, but all of my mom's siblings are from my grandpa's second wife, so there's a pretty big age difference between them. My oldest aunt on that side was still a teenager when I was born."

"That makes sense." She hugs his arm. "You're cute with them."

"So are you." That smile is in his voice again, and it makes her smile, too.

He catches her off guard again a few days into the trip as they're getting ready for bed. Out of the blue, he says, "Hey, I never got to ask, how's therapy been going?"

Her chest aches a little. They had their first fight a little over a month ago, when he had gently suggested that maybe a therapist might be able to help her actually work through her feelings regarding relationships so her fight or flight isn't triggered every time she starts caring about someone. Her walls had immediately shot up.

"I'm not broken," she had said.

"I never said you were," he had replied, raising an eyebrow, and while in her heart of hearts she knew he genuinely didn't know how she made that jump, the toxic part of her mind kept telling her that that's what he really thought of her.

"You think I need a therapist to fix me."

"Ally," he had sighed, "you said yourself your parents' divorce was traumatizing for you, and clearly it's affecting your relationships. I think a professional psychologist might be able to help you believe in love again so your brain stops telling you to run away from it."

"It sounds like you're saying I need fixing."

He had rolled his eyes, which he'd never done at her before, and it hurt more than it should have. "You're not listening to me. Are you happy right now? Freaking out three times a day and wanting to dump me every time you remember you like me? Because honestly, I don't love constantly being worried you're gonna follow those urges and leave me. And I really don't love that you're in so much pain all the time just because we care about each other."

"Well, if you think we're both so unhappy, maybe we should just break up!" she had shouted, and he had just stared at her. So she stormed out of his room before he could see her cry and went home.

And then she had gone back to his house that night, and he didn't even seem surprised to see her.

"I didn't mean what I said," she had told him in a rush, and he had pulled her in for a tight hug. She practically collapsed in his arms, holding onto him like a lifeline.

"I know," he said quietly. "I'm sorry about what I said, too. I shouldn't have just randomly given you unsolicited advice like that. And I'm not unhappy with you."

"I know," she said back. "Neither am I."

A week later, she had told him she made an appointment with a therapist, and he had smiled and said he was proud and happy for her, and they never really talked about it again.

"Hey, I wanna show you something," he says, bringing her back to the present, and she realizes she never answered his question. But he's already grabbing a bunch of pillows and blankets out of the closet in their room. "Follow me."

He leads her down the hall to a set of glass double doors that lead onto a balcony. He throws his pile of pillows and blankets onto the thin ledge where the roof hangs over the balcony doors, then grabs that ledge for balance and climbs up onto the balcony railing before hoisting himself up onto the ledge. He grins down at her, and she smiles a little.

She follows his movements, and he helps her climb onto the ledge with him. "This can't be safe," she says.

"I never said it would be," he replies, picking up the pillows and blankets again and then stepping up from the ledge onto the actual roof.

She follows him as he walks up the incline. It isn't as steep as it looks from below, but she still tries to avoid looking down. Then he stops just before the top and sets his things down, spreading one blanket on the roof and piling up the pillows at the top of it before laying down and patting the spot next to him with a smile.

She lays down next to him, resting her head on the pillows as he covers them with the rest of the blankets he brought. And then she sees why he brought her up here.

"Wow," she breathes, her gaze fixed on the sky.

Since they're out of the city, the stars are actually visible. There are thousands of them, and from where they're laying on top of the roof, they seem to go on forever in every direction, twinkling like they're trying to speak to each other in a language as old as the stars themselves.

"I know," he says quietly, and they lapse into a deep silence, mesmerized by the infinity hovering over them.

Then she finally answers his question from earlier. "Therapy is going okay. She doesn't think I'm insane or unfixable, so, you know. Bright sides."

"It's not about fixing you, Ally, you know that."

"I know. She says I don't like to get serious in relationships because I'm afraid to be happy."

"Damn," he whistles. "That's heavy. And I hate to break it to you, but you and me are a little past the point of serious."

She laughs a little, and so does he. This moment, just the two of them, laughing under a dark sea full of glittering diamonds and bathed in moonlight, is too perfect. So naturally something has to go wrong, and she stops laughing abruptly as her chest tightens painfully.

"It's happening again," she says quietly.

He turns his head to look at her, and she meets his dark eyes. They seem to hold a thousand twinkling stars all their own. "Okay," he says calmly. "Panic or general anxiety?"

She realized that in her panicked moments she wants to be alone, but when those toxic thoughts and urges enter her head and stay there like a dull ache in the back of her mind, she needs him there. And they've planned accordingly.

"Anxiety," she says, and he nods and lifts his arm.

They both shift until his arm is around her, and she snuggles as close to him as she can get. He kisses her hair.

"I've noticed you changing," he says, and she knows they talked about focusing on all the positives of their relationship that imply that they're solid when she's feeling like this, but she's still a little worried about what he's going to say next. "You're initiating more, opening up to me more, being more affectionate…I mean, you willingly agreed to come on a trip away from civilization with half my extended family. That's huge, Ally. I'm really, really proud of you. And it means a lot to me."

She lifts her head a little to look at him, and he looks at her with a sweet smile on his face. "You mean a lot to me," she says. "And that scares me."

"I know," he says softly, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. "You mean a lot to me, too, and I'm not going anywhere. Hopefully soon you'll be able to let yourself believe that."

"I'm not going anywhere either," she promises. "I'm…Well, I think I'm starting to see why the risk is worth it. When I panic about how much I care about you, my therapist told me to bring myself back to the moment by thinking about the reasons why you mean so much to me. And I think looking at it more specifically like that helps put it in perspective, you know? I'd rather be with you than without you—obviously—and it kinda feels like a no-brainer that it'd be worth the risk."

He smiles, and she traces her fingers over his lips. He takes her hand and kisses her fingertips before replying. "I read something once, and it said something along the lines of trusting yourself to be strong enough to get through heartbreak if it happens rather than avoiding love so you don't get hurt. Seems like you're also starting to understand how strong you are."

She hesitates. "When I said I think about the reasons you mean so much to me…I have a list that I read through, and every time I think of a new one, I add to it." She swallows, her throat suddenly dry, but she forces the next words out. "Do you want to read it?"

He searches her eyes, then nods slowly. She bites her lip and takes out her phone, pulling up the list titled simply Austin on her notes app before handing it to him. Then she watches him, her heart threatening to beat out of her chest, as his eyes scan the screen. She's read over that list so many times she practically has it memorized.

Austin

He's the kindest, most thoughtful, and just generally the best person I've ever met

He's the warmest person too, inside and out

He knows me better than anyone else

He's easy to talk to, no matter what we're talking about, and a great listener

He has the most beautiful, contagious smile I've ever seen (and those dimples!) and the prettiest eyes

He genuinely cares about every single person he meets

He can always make me laugh, even when I don't feel like laughing

He gives the best hugs and cuddles in the entire world

He has the biggest heart with endless love and patience for everyone

((I know this shouldn't matter but I have to say it because holy shit he's HOT and the best kisser and also the best in bed it's actually not fair))

He has this light about him where he makes every room brighter and just seeing him can brighten even my worst days

He's literally a golden retriever boyfriend—he's loyal and fun and he makes me really happy

He's willing to admit when he's wrong, and even when we fight he lets me know we'll be okay

He makes me feel like I deserve him and I deserve to be happy

He has this peaceful, calming way about him, especially when we're alone, where I just always feel like everything is gonna be okay.

He laughs a little and sniffs as he hands the phone back to her, swiping the back of his hand over his eyes. "Jesus, Ally, a little warning next time you're gonna melt me into a puddle," he says teasingly, his voice breaking a little as he turns his head to look at her. His eyes are glassy, but he's got that sweet smile on his face and in the faint light of her phone screen she can see him blushing.

"It's obviously not finished," she says, putting her phone back down next to her. "It probably never will be." She smiles a little and wipes away a tear from his cheek. "Sorry."

He turns fully onto his side facing her, wrapping his other arm around her and pulling her close. "You don't have to be sorry," he says. "That was…probably the best thing I've ever read. Or seen. Best thing to ever exist in general, actually." She giggles, and his smile grows as he kisses her nose and meets her eyes. "Thank you."

"I wish I was better at saying all those things in the moment, but I hope you know I mean it. And every time I ask you to leave me alone when I'm panicking, that's what I look at to bring me back down to earth."

"It doesn't freak you out even more?"

"You'd think it would, but…it kinda helps take my mind off the panic and I just think about you instead."

He watches her for a while, and she can feel his heart pounding against her own chest. "Ally, the way I feel right now…" He exhales, as if at a loss for words. Then he rests his hand on her cheek, searching her eyes. "I mean, I just…I don't even know how to describe it. But I do know one thing." The look in his eyes makes her already-pounding heart beat faster as he brushes his thumb over her cheekbone. "I am so, hopelessly, ridiculously in love with you." Now her heart stops, but something about her reaction makes him smile.

"I love you, too," she breathes. And even though she knows she's going to freak out about this at some point sooner rather than later, she means it. Any doubts she may have had disappear when his face lights up, his smile brighter than she's ever seen it.

He tilts her face up to his and kisses her, brushing his thumb over her cheek again before moving his hand into her hair. He's doing that thing again where he's grinning so much it's hard to kiss him back, but in his defense, she's grinning too.

He grabs her arm and gently pushes her to her back before moving on top of her, holding his weight on his elbows. Then he dips his head and starts kissing along her jaw. She wraps her arms around his neck, tilting her head back to look up at the stars and laughing a little at the smile she can still feel on his lips.

"Say it again," he murmurs against her skin, pressing light kisses down her neck.

"I love you," she giggles, running her fingers through his hair.

"Again." He sucks hard on her collarbone, and she gasps.

"I love you," she breathes, her eyes fluttering closed. She can feel his heart pounding in time with hers. She arches her back until her chest is completely flush against his, so he feels her own heartbeat.

He lifts his head, and she just knows he left a mark, and then presses his forehead to hers. "Ally," he groans, and she has an inkling as to why. "I may be grinning like an idiot right now, but we just said I love you for the first time and it is taking everything in me not to fuck you on this rooftop."

She inhales sharply, her mind flooding with images she immediately has to push away. "This is all your fault," she says. "You're the one who said you love me first."

"Only because of that list you showed me!"

"We're not having sex while on vacation with your family."

"Agreed. But I'm about to lose my goddamn mind, so…" In one swift motion, he wraps an arm around her waist and flips them over so she's on top of him. "Your turn."

She rolls her eyes, moving her knees to either side of his hips and putting her hands on his chest to prop herself up a little. He opens his eyes to look at her, his fingertips digging into her back. "You're ridiculous," she says.

"Just come here." He pulls her back down to him, and she smiles and kisses him again. He presses his palm to the back of her head while his other arm tightens around her. Then, when both their smiles are too big again, she starts brushing her lips down his throat in featherlight kisses.

"You aren't telling me to say it again, but I'm going to because it feels really good to say. I love you." She starts sucking at the sensitive spot right under his jaw, and his breathing quickens as the hand in her hair becomes a fist. "Yeah, I really love you."

She considers the probability that anyone would find out if they did have sex on this rooftop. Pretty low, since theirs is the only bedroom on the top floor and everyone is asleep, but it's still definitely possible someone might hear them. She'd probably die of embarrassment.

She presses her lips to his again, and their grins slowly fade. He moves his hand from her hair to her face, his tongue sliding sensually against hers. She reaches up to take his hand off her face before intertwining their fingers and pinning his hand next to his head. Then she softly bites his lower lip and grinds her hips a little against his, and both his arm around her waist and his grip on her hand tighten as a low noise escapes his throat.

"Ally," he says against her mouth, his voice strained. "I'm…"

She smirks a little and does it again, this time with more pressure and making it very obviously intentional.

"Shit," he groans, lifting his head and kissing her hard, his entire body tense underneath her.

When his grip on her hand and around her waist loosen and his head falls back against the pillows, she giggles and presses one more gentle kiss to his lips before climbing off him.

He shoots her a glare, but the effect is kind of ruined by his rapid breathing and the slightly dazed look in his eyes. "You are going to be the death of me." He exhales and sits up, and she frowns.

"Where are you going?"

He laughs a little. "Where do you think? Inside."

"But I like it up here."

"Well, so do I. But my girlfriend flew a little too close to the sun, so now I have to go change."

"You're the one who came just from a little grinding," she argues, and he snorts and rolls his eyes, the smile still on his face.

"My sincerest apologies," he says, leaning in to press a soft kiss to her lips. "Although, to be fair, we did just say I love you and what you just did was super hot. But either way, I need to go back inside to get cleaned up. And I will be getting you back for this eventually."

Her skin tingles at the look in his eyes, and she has to shake her head to bring herself back to reality. "Yeah, yeah. I'll meet you in there."

He watches her for a second, and she's pretty sure he can read her thoughts as the toxic part of her brain finally wakes up. But she forces a smile in a silent plea not to talk about it.

"Okay," he says. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

this turned out longer than expected so there's prob gonna be one more short chapter lol anyway hope u enjoyed thanks for reading