The rest of the cabin trip is basically perfect—she has a great time with Austin and his family, and she and Austin can't seem to stop saying "I love you" at every chance they get. She's even able to force the anxiety deep within her and actually enjoy herself, happy and in love almost like a normal teenage girl.
But as soon as they get back, all the anxiety and panic she's been pushing down come back full force. She ends up locking herself in her room for a week, not talking to anyone, sitting under the weight of the knowledge that she's in love with Austin. She has a few panic attacks where she has to put her phone on the other side of the room so she doesn't impulsively break up with him over text just to make this feeling go away, but mostly there's just a dull ache in her chest while a bunch of sirens constantly scream in her brain.
She reads over her list of reasons why she loves him countless times—even adds to it—but it doesn't really do much to help. And when she isn't sleeping or crying or trying to quiet the noise in her head with mindless TV shows or scrolling on social media, she swipes through the album of all her photos and videos with Austin on her phone.
She knows her dad is worried about her, which means he's probably told her mom about it and made her worry, too. But aside from her dad offering her food and asking if she's okay through the door a few times a day, along with a call or two and a couple supportive texts from her mom, they don't really bother her. Trish is out of town for the holidays and hasn't really reached out much anyway, so she probably doesn't even know anything is going on.
So really, the only person she's actively avoiding is Austin.
His texts quickly go from normal, happy, and talking about the trip to more reserved when she doesn't reply. And then, when she starts declining his FaceTimes and phone calls, his texts turn concerned. But he doesn't stop texting her, always sending good morning and goodnight texts and a few others throughout the day, usually asking if she's okay or telling her he's worried or that he loves her.
She wants to reply. She wants to text him a million heart emojis and watch him struggle to stay awake on FaceTime and call him to tell him she loves him over and over again until her face turns blue. She wants to curl up in his arms and listen to him talk about all the great things about their relationship to ease her anxiety. She misses him.
She wants to talk to him about all this—he's the only person she wants to talk to about this. But what would she even say? He does his best to understand, but she can't possibly tell him that loving him has made everything worse because now she wants to leave even more, even though she actually doesn't want to leave because she really does love him but loving him is the whole problem. There's no way to frame that in a way that would ever make sense. And she can already see the look on his face as he tries and fails to understand her: disappointed, confused, and hurt, but trying to hide it for her sake because he doesn't want her to feel guilty.
That look would kill her. Better to just not talk to him at all, even though that's killing her, too.
She sighs as she stares at a video of them from homecoming. Trish took it from afar, so it's zoomed in and a little shaky, but it's the two of them slow dancing at the edge of the dance floor. Her arms are draped around his neck, and his hands are clasped on her lower back as they sway to the music. They've got their foreheads pressed together and their eyes closed, but they're both smiling like idiots and having a hushed conversation that she's long forgotten. Her heart pounds painfully as Austin leans in to kiss her in the video, then pulls away and says something that makes her laugh before kissing her nose. Then his eyes drift to the camera, where he must have seen Trish filming, and he rolls his eyes with that smile still on his face and flips Trish off behind Ally's back. The camera shakes and the sound of Trish's laugh overtakes the music, and then the video ends.
There's a knock at her door as she swipes to the next photo, taken in Austin's front yard before homecoming, where his arms are wrapped around her from behind and he's kissing her cheek while she's mid-laugh, holding his forearms.
"Honey, you have a visitor," comes her dad's voice from outside the door.
Her heart pounds again as she faintly hears Austin's voice thanking her dad, and then her dad's footsteps as he walks away. Then there's another knock.
"Ally, it's me," Austin says.
She takes a deep breath and forces herself to get up and open the door. The moment she sees him, her body relaxes a little. She knew she missed him, but she didn't realize how much.
Then, as she searches his face, she realizes his usual little smile isn't there. His eyes are storming as he stares at her, his jaw clenched and the angles of his face sharper than usual.
"You're mad," she says blankly while her brain catches up to the realization. It's a strange look on him—Austin doesn't really get angry all that often. And he's never actually been mad at her.
"Yep."
"What are you doing here?" she blurts.
He knits his eyebrows together. "What do you mean, what am I doing here?"
"If you're mad at me…why are you here?"
He stares at her incredulously for a second, then shakes his head and takes a deep breath. "Can I come in?"
"My room's kind of a mess…"
"I really don't care."
She purses her lips, but she nods and steps aside, shutting the door behind him as he walks past her into her room. She walks over and sits back down on the edge of her bed, pulling her knees up to her chest and staring at that photo on her phone again.
"I came here to make sure you're alive," he says, and she looks up at him. "Since you dropped off the face of the earth for a week."
"But you're mad at me."
"Ally, healthy couples talk to each other when they're mad. The whole point is to not be mad anymore."
She looks back down at the photo of them on her phone, and he sits down heavily next to her. She feels him looking over her shoulder to see what she's looking at, and then he sighs.
"You can't just…ghost me with no explanation," he says.
"I was gonna respond eventually. I'm just dealing with a lot. I wanted to be alone."
"Then tell me that. You know I'll understand, or at the very least give you the space you need. But when you just completely stop talking to me for an entire week, what am I supposed to do with that?" She shrugs, staring at her now-black phone screen. "Look, I know that trip was a lot, and in my mind I was thinking maybe the whole 'I love you' thing just freaked you out, but I figured that if that was the case, you would've told me."
"I'm not as good at talking about my feelings as you are. And healing isn't linear, okay?"
"I know that, I just…I want to be there for you and help you, but I can't do any of that if I don't know what's going on. And when you ignore me for a week, I get worried that you're mad at me for some reason or that you're actually ghosting me for good."
"I'm not mad at you, and I'm not breaking up with you. You were right, I got freaked out and I hid."
"That makes me feel like you don't trust me enough to talk to me about it." He looks down at his lap. "I'm not saying that to make it about me, either. I just know I can talk to you about anything, and I want you to know that you can do the same. But I don't know how to prove that to you."
"I wanted to," she says. "You're the only person I wanted to talk to."
Now he looks at her. "Then why didn't you?"
She shrugs helplessly. "I didn't know how. And I was—I am just…scared."
"Of what?"
"I don't know." Her throat stings, and she clenches her jaw in frustration—at how little she understands her own feelings, and at the fact she's seriously about to cry over this. "I just don't want to keep hurting you, and I feel like no matter what I do that's what happens. I see the look on your face every time I tell you I'm getting anxious, and if you were constantly telling me you're getting the urge to break up with me it would kill me every time." She takes a deep breath. "You're the best boyfriend—the best person in the entire world, and you deserve better than for the person you love to be terrified of loving you back."
"Ally, I don't care about that. I love you, and even though I can't really help how I feel when you tell me you're feeling anxious, I still want you to tell me so I can be there for you. I know you love me, and I know you're scared, but that's even more reason to tell me about it so we can work through it together. Don't worry about how telling me what you're feeling might make me feel."
"I'm not gonna say something I know will hurt you. You don't say things you know will hurt me, so you can't expect me to."
"I'm telling you that I can take it. And I'm not saying you can't, but we both know being in a relationship like this is hard enough for you as it is. And I still tell you something, instead of just not talking to you for a week. We have to communicate or this isn't gonna work."
She sighs, looking up at him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ignored you, and I should've told you what was going on. This is just…an adjustment, and I guess I regressed a little."
He nods, taking her hand and intertwining their fingers before meeting her eyes. "I get it," he says quietly. "It's okay. Can you just tell me next time you wanna go off the grid for a while? Even if it's just a text saying like, 'Hey, I'm not doing great so I'm not gonna respond for a few days.'"
"I just know you'll try to help, and sometimes I really can't handle that."
He smiles slightly. "If I promise to leave you alone and not to try to help until you reach out when you tell me you're taking a mental health break, will you promise to actually tell me when you're taking a mental health break?"
She smiles a little too. "Deal. But…good morning and goodnight texts are still okay, even when I'm not responding."
He chuckles. "Okay, when you tell me you're off the grid, I will only send you good morning and goodnight texts until you return to the land of the living."
She hesitates. "I still don't feel much better."
"Do you want me to leave?"
"I don't think so. Do you feel any better?"
"I do." He kisses her temple. "And I'm scared too, you know. I think that comes with falling in love for the first time."
She nods. "I also keep getting scared that one day it'll all just be a little too much for you, which I know won't happen, but I can't get that fear to go away."
"I get that," he says, squeezing her hand. "But I knew what I was getting into when I asked you out, and I knew even more what I was getting into when I asked you to be my girlfriend, and by the time I fell in love with you, I fell in love with all of you, so I knew pretty much exactly what I was in for. I knew there were gonna be times we hurt each other, and I knew there were gonna be plenty more anxieties and panic attacks, and I knew that it was gonna be a lot of work and a lot of compromise." He nudges her gently. "But you know what?"
"What?"
"Loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done."
She smiles a little. "You don't have to say that. It's work, I know that."
"That's what I'm saying. Putting the work in is easy, taking care of you is easy, loving you is easy, because you're my favorite person in the whole world."
Her smile grows. "You're my favorite person in the whole world. You have no idea how much I've missed you."
He lets go of her hand and kicks his shoes off before climbing further onto her bed and leaning back against the pillows, opening his arms with his usual easy smile back on his face. "Come here," he says.
She crawls over to him and all but collapses in his arms, wrapping her arms around his torso and squeezing him tightly, her ear against his chest listening to his heartbeat. He hugs her back just as tight.
"I love you," she says softly, despite the anxiety that rises in her chest when she says it. "I really do."
"I love you, too." He loosens his grip around her slightly. "Do you have more pictures of us?"
She smiles and lets go of him, and they both shift so she's sitting between his bent legs, leaning back against his chest. He wraps his arms around her waist and presses his palm against her racing heart, brushing his thumb over her collarbone. She closes her eyes and relaxes into him for a minute, taking deep breaths while he kisses her hair. Then, when she can breathe normally again, she pulls up the album on her phone and starts from the very beginning.
By the time prom comes around, things are a lot better. She still has her moments, of course, especially when other aspects of her life are stressing her out, but she's much better about telling him and he's told her it doesn't make him insecure about their relationship anymore. She's even able to talk with him about their future without having a panic attack. When she finally worked up the courage to tell him she's going out of state for college, he didn't really even bat an eye.
"I'm not worried about it," he'd said when she asked how he really felt about her leaving. "Honest. We're in a good place, we're in love, and obviously I'm gonna miss you like crazy, but I really think we'll be fine doing long-distance."
And since he isn't worried about it, she hasn't allowed herself to worry about it either. Except for how much she's going to miss him—she knows that's gonna be a killer.
But it's prom night, and as she watches him smiling and talking to Dez in a tux in their rich friend's front yard, she can't possibly think of anything else except how much she loves him.
"I can't believe that out of everyone in our friend group, you and Austin are the ones with the healthiest and longest-lasting relationship," Trish says, walking up next to her. Ally smiles a little and looks over at her. "I don't think anyone saw that coming."
"Yeah, wasn't there, like, a pool for who could guess when we'd break up?" Ally asks.
"Maybe. But Dez and I were against it!"
Ally giggles. "It's okay, Trish. I don't think either of us saw it coming, either."
Austin laughs at something Dez says, but then their conversation is interrupted by Austin's mom. She says something to him, and he grins, giving her a salute before making his way over to Ally.
"Well, don't you look dashing," Trish says as he approaches, and his smile grows.
"And you look as beautiful as ever. Jace can't stop talking about you," he says, referring to Trish's boyfriend.
"Serves you right, with what you two have been putting all of us through since you got together." She gestures vaguely between Austin and Ally, scrunching her face. "It's criminal, really. Sickening."
Austin chuckles. "Well, I'm sure Ally has been just gushing over me," he says with a glance at her, "considering she's been staring for the past ten minutes." She narrows her eyes and whacks his arm, and he laughs. "So, Trish, I'm rescuing you. Ally and I are being summoned for pictures."
Ally smiles and looks at Trish. "Catch up with you later?" she says.
"Come find me when you guys are done," Trish says, squeezing Ally's hand. "We need pictures, too!"
"Deal," Ally replies, squeezing her hand back before walking away with Austin.
Their moms are chatting happily when Austin and Ally approach, but the conversation stops when they get there.
"I can't get over how beautiful you look, honey," Austin's mom says, squeezing Ally's hand.
"Neither can I," Austin adds with a grin.
Ally smiles. "Thanks, Mimi."
"Oh, Austin, you look so handsome!" Ally's mom gushes, and Austin's cheeks tint pink. "These pictures are going to be amazing! Now, go stand over there." She points to a spot in front of the house's vine-covered wall.
They take pictures for a while, and then Ally has to excuse herself to go take pictures with Trish while Austin and Mimi go looking for Dez. But eventually, they finally head out for the actual dance.
It's at some fancy historic mansion on the beach that looks like a castle. The theme is 'A Night in Paris,' which the prom committee must have taken to mean cover everything in roses. Not that Ally minds, because it really is beautiful. As they walk in, Ally is struck speechless.
The walls are dotted with rose bushes and glittering five-foot Eiffel Towers emitting warm yellow light. The refreshment table has a French theme as well, and she can smell the croissants from here. The tables around the room are draped in white tablecloths with candles floating in bowls filled with water and rose petals at the center. Rose vines wrap around the pillars and the railing on the grand staircase that seems to lead to a balcony of some sort, and the floor is littered with rose petals. The dance floor at the front of the room is bathed in a soft pink light, making the dancers look like they're from another world.
Austin and Ally dance with their friends for a while, but then Austin shoots her a glance and gestures with his head towards the open double doors leading outside, and Ally nods gratefully. They excuse themselves and go outside to explore what appears to be the mansion's massive gardens.
"Are you having fun?" Austin asks, taking her hand and intertwining their fingers as they follow the cobblestone path winding through the gardens.
Ally nods. "I'm having a lot of fun. Are you?"
"Absolutely. Your dance moves sure are something."
She giggles and pretends to shove him away, then pulls the hand she's holding to bring him back to her before hugging his arm. "It's nice, doing something normal and kinda silly like going to prom. I've done so much growing since we got together, and obviously it's a good thing, but it's kinda nice doing the same thing as every other high school couple and going to prom together."
"I get what you mean," Austin says. "And it's like, we're in such a good place now, so we're getting to enjoy the result of all that hard work."
"Thank you for everything you've done for me," she says suddenly. "I don't know if I ever thanked you. But I know all the late nights and panic attacks and times I went completely radio silent weren't easy, for either of us. So thank you for being there for me and sticking with me through it all. You have been so important in my healing, and I just…I don't know if I'll ever be able to show you how grateful I am."
He pauses and looks down at her, so she meets his eyes. "You don't have to," he says, leaning down to kiss her cheek.
"I know, but I want to."
"I mean…you can try your best tonight at the hotel."
She gasps and whacks his arm. "Austin Moon!"
He giggles. "I'm kidding! You know I'm kidding."
Before she can respond, both of their phones chime. Austin pulls them out of his pocket and glances at his before smiling again. "Your mom sent us and my mom the pictures from tonight."
"Let's look at them! My feet hurt from walking in these heels, anyway."
They find a bench in front of a bubbling fountain, and she leans her head on Austin's shoulder as he swipes through all the pictures. She almost doesn't recognize herself in the photos. The girl laughing and posing with Austin looks so happy and confident and comfortable and in love, and she realizes that she really became all those things before she knew what was going on. Her heart pounds as Austin stops on one of the photos.
"I like this one," he says quietly. "You look like a princess."
In the photo, they're both laughing while Austin twirls her under his arm. Her dress is flowing around her, and the way Austin is looking at her in the photo is so soft her cheeks turn pink even now. Austin makes the photo his lock screen before continuing swiping through.
They're interrupted by a muffled announcement coming from inside, and Austin kisses her hair. "We should go see what's going on. Trish will probably be looking for you, anyway."
Ally sighs and nods, taking the hand he offers to stand up. Then, when they get inside, Austin wraps his arms around her from behind while their classmate Kimmy announces that it's time to read the names of Prom King and Queen.
"We came back inside for this?" Ally mutters, and Austin chuckles and kisses her cheek. "We could be making out in a rose garden right now."
"There's still time," he says, and she smiles in spite of herself.
"And our Prom King and Queen are…Austin Moon and Ally Dawson!" Kimmy cheers, reading the names on the card.
Suddenly, Ally is squinting under a spotlight as Austin's arms fall from her waist. "Did she just say—" Austin starts.
"Come up here!" Kimmy squeals, motioning with her hand for them to come onstage.
Ally follows Austin in a bit of a daze. She didn't realize this many people actually liked her. She always assumed that her reputation made her more enemies than friends, but here she is, smiling at Kimmy as she places the Prom Queen crown on her head and whispers an excited congratulations.
"Give it up for your King and Queen!" Kimmy exclaims, and everyone on the dance floor claps. Austin and Ally's friends cheer louder than the others, Dez whooping loudly and Trish chanting Ally's name.
Then they're ushered off the stage and into the middle of the dance floor, where another spotlight shines on them and Kimmy announces that it's time for their dance. But Austin's arms come around her waist, and she's able to relax a little as she clasps her hands behind his neck.
"Are you good?" Austin asks her with a grin, the spotlight glinting off the crown on his head.
"Just a little overwhelmed, I think."
"Guess we're more popular than we thought."
She smiles a little. "This is going straight to your ego."
"Big time." He twirls her, and she notices that other couples have started dancing too. "They really went from betting on when we'd break up to voting us prom royalty," he says. "Not that it matters what everyone else thinks, but…it's weirdly nice to know that people actually take us seriously as a couple now."
She nods. "I know what you mean." She plays with the hair at the nape of his neck, and he shivers. "Austin, I just…I really love you," she says. And instead of anxiety, her chest fills with butterflies. Especially when his face softens but his eyes and smile shine brighter than the spotlight still trained on them.
"I love you, too. And I'm really, really proud of you." His arms tighten around her. "And of us."
She leans up to kiss him, and he smiles. He's gotten a little better at being able to kiss her while smiling, but she still pulls away laughing. He giggles and rolls his eyes before she can say anything.
"Shut up," he says, leaning down to press his forehead to hers.
"I didn't say anything!" she giggles, and he kisses her softly.
"I'm really happy," he whispers, bumping his nose against hers as his smile brushes against her lips.
She kisses him again, silently thanking her past self for being strong enough to get her here, with this boy that she loves more than anything. For agreeing to go on a first date with him, and a second, and a third. For agreeing to be his girlfriend despite her assumption that it would end badly. For trusting him and opening up to him and letting him in, for working with him and staying with him even when she didn't think love would be possible for her.
He may have been critical helping her heal, but…she was still the one who actually did the healing. And because of all that work, she's here and in love and she can actually see a future in which she isn't alone.
She tightens her arms around him. "I'm really happy, too."
couldn't sleep so decided to write the last couple hundred words of this. thanks for reading :)
p.s. slightly unhinged completely au christmas fic coming soon