Santa Claus was on the toilet, scratching his butt. He hasn't taken a bath for a long time. Just then, the telephone rang.
He answered it. "What the !#!" Santa Claus boomed into the phone instead of saying hello.
"It's me, Bimbo," a girl's voice said.
Bimbo was Santa's girlfriend. She was 20 years old.
They met at party when she was 18. It was her 18th birthday in fact. Santa was the friend
of Bimbo's grandfather.
"Hi Baby," Santa Claus said,"What's up?"
"Well Santie," she said, "I can't decide which bikini I should wear to the pool party tomorrow.
The thong with the green top or the pink one with the triangle top?"
Santa paused as he let out a big fart.
"Ewwww," Bimbo commented, "I heard that."
"Heard what?" Santa said.
"Your fart," Bimbo cried.
"So?" Santa said.
Bimbo tried to divert the subject back to bikinis.
"So what bikini should I wear?" she asked her boyfriend.
"It doesn't matter, honeysuckle," Santa Claus said, "You look sexy in anything scanty
and tight."
"But do I look sexier in green or pink?" she asked.
"It doesn't matter!" Santa Claus roared.
"You hurt my feelings!" Bimbo cried. She burst into tears.
Santa slammed down the phone. He cursed and he farted.
Bimbo is aspiring to be swimsuit model by the way.
That night, as Santa lay on the couch in his Hanes briefs and socks with holes,
watching Jeopardy and devouring up cheese poofs, the doorbell rang.
Santa said, "What the !#!" then phatttt!...he farted, making the room shake. He rolled off of the couch,
farted again, and scrambled to his feet, then farted a third time.
He opened the door. There stood Bimbo in her green scanty bikini. She was sobbing.
She was tossing her long blonde hair wildly and stamping her feet.
"Please don't be mad at me!" she cried.
She collapsed on the ground sobbing harder.
She was hysterical.
"Who the #! said I was mad at you?" he demanded. He scratched his butt
and farted again. Bimbo stopped sobbing and stood up.
"You mean, you aren't mad at me after all?" the blonde asked.
"Well what the #! do you think?" Santa cried.
"I don't know!" she cried.
"I'm not mad at you now," he said as he scratched his right armpit, "But I will
get #! mad at you if you don't stop #! crying, you #!head!"
Bimbo wiped the tears from her eyes and kissed him.
"My guy!" she cried happily. She began to giggle wildly.
"You are soft, sweet, and sexy," Santa moaned as he ran his hands down Bimbo's
20 year old body.
Meanwhile Reese was at Delilah's house and they were watching a movie together.
Reese had his arm around her as Delilah as she rested her head on his shoulder.
"Has that jerk Santa been bothering you again?" Reese asked.
"No," she said.
"If he does, you let me know," he said, "'Cause no one messes with my girl and
gets away with it."
He kissed her.
After the movie, Reese and Delilah went to have dinner at a fancy diner.
While they were into their meals, Santa Claus and Bimbo burst into the restaurant.
Bimbo was clad in her scanty bikini and Santa was clad in a white torn shirt full
of stains.
"Um, you cannot enter this restaurant dressed like that," one of the waiters
informed them.
"#! off!" Santa Claus boomed.
He let out a big wet fart, causing the waiter to pass out. The couple
crashed themselves into the table next to Reese and Delilah.
Reese and Delilah didn't notice them right away though. It wasn't until Santa
blasted a huge fart five minutes later, they noticed him. This colossal fart caused his table to shake and
glasses fell to the floor. The fart also affected Reese and Delilah's table,
causing it to shake slightly. And the stench from this fart also bothered them.
"What was that?" Delilah said. Reese glared over at Santa's table.
"Be right back," he groaned.
"What are you doing here?" Reese demanded.
"You don't own the place, boy," Santa said, "So #! off!"
"Not until you promise to leave my girl alone!" Reese said.
"Shut the #! up, boy!" Santa whispered, "My girlfriend's here!"
Santa leaned over closer to Reese. Reese twitched his nose in disgust.
Santa had fetid bad breath and bad beard odor.
"Let's have a deal here boy," Santa whispered.
"What deal?" Reese asked.
"I'll leave your #! girlfriend alone forever if you promise not to mention anything to my girlfriend
about me chasing after her and all."
"Alright," Reese agreed, "But you better keep your word."
"I will," the old fat smelly man whispered.
Reese returned to his table.
"What was that about?" Delilah asked.
"Nothing," he said, smiling, "Don't worry about it."
The next day, Reese and Delilah went to a pool party.
Reese went swimming right away, but Delilah decided to stay at the edge of the pool.
She was dipping her feet into the water.
Reese swam over to her after 10 minutes and splashed her. Delilah giggled.
"Jump in and don't be scared," Reese said as he grabbed her feet.
Delilah knew how to swim in the deep water but she didn't feel like getting wet.
It was refreshing enough for her to just dip her feet in the water.
"Reese, no!" she cried, laughing.
"Come on, " he teased.
But Delilah still refused despite Reese's avid persuading.
About twenty minutes later, Reese climbed out of the pool and kissed Delilah.
"I'll be right back," he said when he let go of her, "I'll be in the bathroom."
About the same time Reese went into the house, Santa crashed into the yard, yanked
off his suit, and jumped into the pool.
He splashed nearly half of the water out of the pool when he did.
Delilah shrieked.
She was now soaking wet.
"What are you doing here?" one 19 year old boy asked Santa, "You weren't invited."
"#! off before I dunk you underwater," Santa warned him.
The boy swam away from Santa. Santa let out a mild fart, causing bubbles to form in a
large circle around him.
Santa then swam throughout the pool for several minutes, letting out mild farts while he was
at it, causing circles of bubbles to form in the water.
This scared all of the other swimmers straight out of the pool.
Only Delilah didn't notice it. She was still sitting at the edge of the pool, dipping her feet in the cold water.
She did her absolute best to ignore Santa.
However, about five minutes later, Santa let out another fart.
But this fart wasn't a mild one this time. This time it was a major, destructive blast.
It caused a gigantic tsaumni wave to form. Delilah screamed as it swept her into the pool.
By the time Reese returned, Delilah was swimming happily in the pool.
Santa Claus was gone out of sight.
"So you decided to go swimming after all," Reese said, grinning as he jumped into the pool with her.
That night, Bimbo was shaving her legs. She was singing "Duke of Earl" while she was at it.
"Shut the #! from there!" Santa boomed from the bathroom, agitated.
Bimbo said, "Ah, shut-up! At least I'm not fat and farty."
Her bold statement was a huge mistake. Santa burst into the bedroom from the bathroom, his face
with rage. He let out a big fart, marched over to her, and grabbed her.
"Who the #! do you think you are?" Santa boomed, "If you ever talk that way again, I will
twist off your anorexic #! neck!"
Bimbo, her eyes full of terror, burst into tears.
"I'm sorry," she wailed.
Santa let go of her. Then he slammed her against the wall.
"Stupid #! blonde #! tramp," Santa muttered under his breath on his way back to the bathroom.
Bimbo burst into even harder sobs.
"Stop that #! crying!" Santa shouted from the bathroom, "You #!-filled blonde slut!"
Bimbo, unable to restrain herself, reached inside her purse and took out a bottle of pills.
She popped two into her mouth and her crying stopped. Santa let out a big blast of
farts from the bathroom, causing the bed, nightstand, and pictures on the wall to shake
violently. He let another big fart, which was larger than life. It caused the windows to shatter.