Disclaimer: Not mine
Werewolf Horrible
"Now, Harry, how have you been?"
"Fine, Professor Lupin. And you?"
"Oh, I'm managing. Albus is still forcing Severus to brew the Wolfsbane Potion every month, even though I no longer teach here. Speaking of that, since I am no longer your professor, call me Remus."
"All right." Harry said, then waited for his father's friend to continue.
"So, you are getting big, aren't you?" Remus remarked. "You are almost a man."
"Yeah." the teen answered, not really seeing where this was going at all.
"Harry, as you continue to mature, you are going to have urges."
"Oh, bloody hell. Are you kidding me?"
When Harry had been informed that his former professor wished to speak with him, he had immediately panicked. Thoughts of Sirius being captured, kissed, or killed had filled his head. It had been Hermione who had calmed him down. If the infamous Sirius Black had been caught, everyone would have already been talking about it. She reasoned that Remus had just wanted to check on Harry.
Now, Harry sat in an unused classroom. Remus had sat next to him, but had stood to pace while he mentioned these "urges" Harry was going to have.
"Um, Prof- Remus, you really don't have to do this. I have already received this lecture many times over now and I think I have a pretty clear understanding of everything."
"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Harry. I have been told that you are interested in knowing more about the mating habits of werewolfs and-"
"I'm going to kill Snape." Harry muttered darkly under his breath.
"Pardon?"
"Nothing."
"Anyway," continued Remus as if there had been no interruption, "I feel that being a werewolf makes me the most logical choice to educate you in such practices."
"Is there anything I can say or do to make you change your mind?"
"Not really."
"Continue, then."
"Having relations with a werewolf is a very slippery road to travel, young one." Remus began.
"Huh?" Harry said, caught off guard by Remus' odd word usage.
"Yes, indeed." continued the older wizard. "Do you have any idea how serious a prospect this is? You must always be careful; you must always be aware of the moon's cycle."
"How so?"
"Well, you must avoid 'that time of the month.'
Harry snorted before asking "That time of the month?"
"Yes."
"Do you realize that makes you sound like a chick?"
"Be serious, Harry. If I were to be intimate with a girl during the week of the full moon, and if I impregnanted her, the baby would most likely be a werewolf."
"Good thing there is no chance of that happening then, huh?"
"What do you mean?" Remus asked.
"Well, you're gay."
Remus observed Harry closely. "Why would you think that?"
"Peter told me."
"Peter who?"
"Pettigrew." At Remus' look of confusion, Harry continued. "You know, short, fat guy. His animagus form is a rat. The man who betrayed my parents."
"Yes, Harry, I know who he is. I just wasn't aware that you had been in contact with him. Where did you see him?"
"Oh, no. I haven't seen him. He and Voldemort wrote me a letter and he told me about you and Dad and Sirius."
"Well, I have to say I am slighly relieved. I'm glad you know the truth about why he betrayed your parents."
"What do you mean?"
"That he was angry that we never let him join us. He asked repeatedly, but none of us really wanted to have to touch him. I didn't really fancy him touching me, either. Peter never did get over the rejection that he felt. Eventually, he asked to join Lily and James, but James claimed to no longer wanted to be with men. He also asked to join Sirius and me, but without James we had become closer and didn't want a third anymore."
As Harry listened to Remus' tale of passion gone awry, he came to a sudden realization. He and Ron were definitely going to owe Hermione money; they seemingly had just lost their bet about Remus and Sirius being an item even now. At least, that was Harry's determination after witnessing Remus' dreamy expression as he talked about a closer relationship with Sirius.
"I honestly believe that Peter only had it in for James, Sirius and myself. Had there been a way to get to James without Lily getting hurt, he probably would have done it. However, you know Peter was the stupid one of the group, sort of like Ron is in yours, and Voldemort most likely was his only idea. Not particularly clever, but it did accomplish his goals. I myself thought it was a bit drastic; I prefer a nice no erection hex."
"Poor Sirius, though I did think he was much more subdued the last time I saw him." thought Harry. "Well, that was a great story." he said. "Really, I could listen to parental sex stories all day. Can I go now?"
"No." Remus said. "I haven't even gotten to answer a lot of the questions that I know you must have."
"All right." If Remus wants to answer questions, I will give him a question." Harry thought. "One thought does spring to mind, Remus."
"Go on." the werewolf encouraged.
"Sirius is my godfather. You are with him. Does that make you my godmother?" Harry asked while smirking.
"Not quite. Now for the serious questions."
"I don't have any serious questions."
"You don't need to pretend. Severus told me all about it."
"But-" Harry began, only to be interrupted.
"So, since I am with Sirius, that does eliminate some concerns. However, we must still exercise caution. Moony is very possessive, and if Sirius is not alert, things could get uncomfortable for him."
It took a couple of moments for Harry to realize what Remus meant. A horrid image of Sirius with a werewolf sprang to the front of his mind, making him want to gag.
"Of course," Remus continued, "as long as Sirius changes into Padfoot in time, things are okay. Well, beyond okay, really. Fantastic."
Now Harry just wanted to leave. As quickly as possible.
"Okay, Remus. Thanks. I have a great understanding of this subject now. I can go."
"Do you?"
"Yeah. Werewolfs have to watch the moon. No babies during the week of the full moon. Werewolfs are control freaks. Moony acknowledges Sirius is your lover and wants to share. Sirius must transform to prevent injury; you and my Godfather bugger frequently. I think I am all set with my information on it. It was great seeing you. Send Sirius my love. Bye."
Harry said all of this very quickly while heading for the door. On his way to the Great Hall, he caught up with Draco.
"So, guess what."
"What?" the blonde asked him.
"I just got the werewolf talk."
"What werewolf talk?"
"The werewolf talk." Harry said significantly.
"With Professor Lupin?" Draco asked.
"Yeah. How did you know?"
"You remember that I mentioned werewolfs when we were with Severus?"
"Yeah." Harry answered with a growing sense of dread.
"I went back later and told him you really needed to know. Of course, he immediately told Remus. No need to thank me. See you later."
Harry stood speechless in the Entrance Hall for a full two minutes before he triumphantly entered the Great Hall. Sitting down next to Ron and across from Hermione, an evil grin slowly slid over his face.
"Hermione, do you have parchment and a quill?" he asked.
"Sure." she answered taking the requested items out of her bag.
"Is Snuffles okay?" Ron asked.
"Yeah. Everything is fine. Remus just wanted to warn me about the perils of werewolf sex."
Ron spurted pumpkin juice out of his nose while Hermione uncharacteristically snorted.
Harry spent ten minutes writing a letter while occasionally giggling madly. When the letter was sealed, he quietly whispered Hedwig's name. The snowy owl appeared almost instantly. Harry scribbled a name on the front of the envelop and attached the letter to his familiar. Hedwig nibbled on some bread and took to the sky.
"Who were you writing, Harry?" Ron asked.
"I just had to take care of something." Harry answered.
"That doesn't answer the question." Hermione remarked.
The same evil smile appeared on Harry's face as he informed his friends of the recipient of the letter.
"Lucius Malfoy."
A/N: So, it's been awhile. Sorry about that. I am also aware that this is not one of the funniest, though I still think it is cute. This serves to furthur the plot (as if this thing has a plot) for the next story. Lucius has been requested alot, and it took me awhile to figure out how to work him in. Look for the next one with him over the weekend. Thanks to all my reviewers. Lots of love:)