A/N: Thank you to Organised Chaos for pointing out that the chapters were all in the wrong order … I really don't know how it happened, but hopefully it's all sorted out now. I'm also sorry about not posting. I've been having some writer's block, some problems too complicated to explain, some losing of faith in the story as a whole … the reasons go on. But I think this story deserves some kind of ending. So we go on.
*****
IN THE NOISE OF SORRY NIGHTChapter 5
Dumbledore had made sure, somehow, that Hermione was seated next to Snape at dinner. Snape raised an eyebrow when she settled herself rather nervously next to him, but otherwise said nothing. It was up to her to start the conversation, and … he would easily see through any vagueness. She had to be direct, but misleading.
'Severus … when did you last go to Voldemort? I mean, when were you last summoned?' It was a place to begin, at least.
Snape considered. 'I haven't been summoned for a while. Not since … late December, I suppose. End of Christmas holidays. Why do you ask?'
'I was just wondering if we'd heard anything new about your – their tactics.'
'No.'
There was a pause.
'Nothing?' she pushed. 'Surely that's a little dangerous, Severus … they could be planning an attack or something.'
'They're not,' Snape replied shortly, digging his fork into his carrots.
'How do you know?'
He was still for a moment, and then said, 'I do talk to his followers outside the meetings, you know.'
'Ah yes,' she said quietly. 'Lucius, of course … who else?' She did not want to focus too heavily on Lucius just yet, although it was not irrelevant to her.
She was hungry for information about him – he was an addictive source of interest even when he was not there. It was strange to think it was only a few days since she had last seen him – it seemed like weeks ago - and suddenly she missed him. She missed her routine of going downstairs to the pub and watching him, watching him watching her, all evening. It had been flattering, exciting, tense, unpredictable, everything Hermione lived to experience, and she missed it.
She even remembered a few evenings going upstairs wondering what it would be like if silently, wordlessly, he had come into her room and into her bed, and nothing more had been said. Now it had happened, albeit slightly differently, and everything had changed.
God, Hermione, you still want him.
Yes. She realised then that more than anything, she wanted – needed - another night with Lucius. Her mind swept back to what had happened when they had eventually stopped talking, in his room …
… his back arched over her, his silver-blonde hair fell down in tousled, ungroomed waves, his sweat rubbed against her legs, so tightly wrapped around him, as his breath came ragged and heavy …
God, Lucius.
'Miss Granger?' Snape's voice brought her back to the present. Had she been daydreaming about sex, sex with Lucius Malfoy, in front of the staff and all the students?
'Did you even hear what I was telling you?'
'No,' she admitted. 'I'm sorry. I was just … remembering what it was like to be a student here, that's all.'
Snape nodded with evident, patronizing disbelief. 'As I was saying, Lucius is probably the only person I talk to regularly. He's my main – my source of information. He's close to Voldemort, very close, so it's a good connection. And the last time I saw Lucius was just after I met you at the Leaky Cauldron. We communicate by owl, too, sometimes. I think if – if he does try to attack you, that could be the only way we find out about it.'
Hermione nodded. She was cursing herself for missing what Severus had said – had he mentioned anything about Lucius that she hadn't heard?
'Are you close? I mean, does he think you're good friends?'
Snape hesitated, and then shrugged. 'We've known each other for a long time,' he said by way of explanation.
'But do you think he suspects about you?' Hermione asked.
'No.'
'How can you be sure?'
'Miss Granger -' His voice rose dangerously, and he did not speak until he had regained control. 'For one thing, I'm a much better liar than you. I've had more practice. And I know Lucius. He's not subtle. If he suspected, he'd tell me. Or he'd warn be, to be more accurate. Voldemort values me, and he knows it, so I don't think he'd challenge me immediately if there was a chance I could be made loyal again.' He shrugged again. 'It's rather complicated.'
'Would you …' Hermione tried to phrase her question delicately, sensing that he was growing a little impatient. Already he had talked more than usual, and he probably wouldn't appreciate more close questioning. She inhaled carefully. 'If it came to it, Severus … would you be able to kill him?'
'Yes.' His eyes were steady, slightly sad, but determined, and he did not hesitate.
She had no idea whether or not he was lying.
*****
After supper, Hermione went back to her room and threw herself down onto her bed. That had been close. Dreaming about Lucius …
… dreaming of her voice, murmuring his name in the darkness, his lips becoming more violent, moaning on her neck, and the satisfaction she had felt as she realised she had wanted this for months, since long before he had offered it …
She shook herself so hard that her eye filled with tears. That would not help. She was against Lucius – she could not afford to lust after him again. She had thought she was free of him as soon as she had considered the possibility that he might retaliate against her, but now, suddenly, she wanted him again.
… his weight, the knowledge that he was not to be trusted, but that she could not help it, and now they were tangled together, their limbs hot, their hands desperate for each other …
She gave up, let her hands creep under her robes and resigned herself to the dreams and the memories.
*****
Hermione woke a few hours later, sated in body but not in spirit. More than anything she wanted someone with her … but Lucius was the enemy. Shit, she said silently. I need a fuck.
She glanced at her watch. It was half past eleven, and she was not really tired. Perhaps it would be as well to go for a short fly … but then again, it was February, and very cold. And if she was in any danger, and if Snape was right … no, she had better stay in her room.
'But I have to do something,' she said aloud, running a hand through her dishevelled hair. 'I have to do something about this obsession.'
Suddenly she went to her desk and found a clean piece of parchment and a quill. She began:
Lucius,
It was only the night before last that we spent together, and already it feels like weeks, months. So much has happened, so much that you would not like or understand. But try as I might, I cannot forget you. Your love was the most satisfying and exhilarating I have ever experienced, and I need more of it. If I had known you were like this, like a drug, I would have thought much more carefully than I did about accepting you. I still cannot quite believe that I went through with it, and I forget my reasons, but then the memories overwhelm me and quite suddenly I remember. I miss you. You will never read this letter, but at this moment I feel that I desire you more than any woman has ever desired a man.
Hermione.
With a movement that was almost becoming a habit, Hermione set light to the paper with her wand and let it fall. Then she went to her bed, undressed and slid under the covers.
When in the morning she woke, Hermione remembered nothing of her evening's activities, and did not even notice the ashes littering the floor near her desk.
*****
Snape seemed a little irritable at breakfast, although whether or not it was because Hermione was sitting next to him again she could not tell. He grunted a greeting to her.
'Sleep well?' she asked him politely.
'Not particularly.'
Hermione laughed. 'I can tell.'
Snape did not answer, but flicked his eyes upwards to the rafters of the Great Hall. Hermione masked a smile at his obvious exasperation.
She was still frustrated from the night before: the first thing she had thought of this morning was Lucius, and how much she wanted him. It was odd, how suddenly the thoughts of him had returned to her, and how much had been uncovered about her earlier fascination with him. It was coming in a huge flow, the memories of how much she had watched him when he was at Hogwarts, how she had barely been able to lift her young eyes from his. He had noticed her a couple of times, and her stomach had leaped, although he had often shot her a rather disgusted look. When she had been assigned the mission, she had felt a peculiar, pleasant anticipation, as if she had always been meant to follow this path. Now she remembered it all.
'Did you sleep well, Miss Granger?' Snape asked sarcastically.
'Well, yes … I think so.' She could recall very little of last night, except her antagonised mood.
'Good.' He returned his eyes to the ceiling, and Hermione became a little curious. Was he watching something? Was he waiting for something?
'So … what was wrong with your night? Too much work? Too many potions to brew? Troublesome waxing of the moon?' If he was going to be snippy, so was she. She glanced at MacGonagall, who was smirking at the comment. Hermione prayed silently she had not heard any of the previous night's conversation, careful as they had been.
'Frankly, Miss Granger,' Snape said quietly, 'it's none of your business.'
She wondered if he'd had the same problem as her. And raised her eyebrows at the ridiculousness of such an idea.
She watched his gaze shift back to the roof. The opening in the roof … the opening by which the owls entered! Was he waiting for a letter? Was she actually getting better at deciphering people's actions? Or was she overreacting; was he finding the ceiling particularly interesting because there were no thrills elsewhere?
There was a buzz from the students below, and Hermione glanced up to see the post owls arriving, soaring down through the vaults of air to land perfectly in front of their destination at the tables. She turned quickly towards Snape and saw that he too was watching the owls, his eyes darting between them. She had been right, then – he was searching for a particular bird.
Only one owl headed for the staff table, though, and settled expertly in front of MacGonagall, who took the letter, smoothed down its feathers and sent it across the Hall out to the owlery.
Snape let out a breath silently next to Hermione, and then drained his goblet of water, got up and left the Great Hall. She watched his retreating, sulking back both with amusement and curiosity.
*****
Hermione hardly saw Snape for the rest of the day. He did not appear at lunchtime, and when she mentioned this briefly in the staff room after lessons had finished, he said tersely: 'I had things to do,' and retreated back to the dungeons.
The other teachers had their reasons to leave too: the Heads of house had a meeting with Dumbledore, the others had marking to do or wanted a nap. Hermione was left alone with Professor Vector. However, she had no objections to this. She and Vivienne had become fairly close in Hermione's last year or so of school. Partly because Hermione was the only student in her year who had taken Arithmancy to NEWT level, presumably. But Hermione had been able to vent some of her frustration about Harry and Ron to someone impartial, and had found a friend who could understand and advise her. Vivienne had revealed more about herself to Hermione than to any other student, and the age difference had seemed rather meaningless, even though Vivienne was nearly forty.
'So how are things at the Ministry?' Vivienne asked her.
Hermione hesitated. Much as she had anticipated this question, she was sad that he had to skim over the truth for her friend. 'Well – slightly hectic, mixed up, confused … exactly what you'd expect in times of war, I suppose.'
Vivienne laughed. 'Yes … I got the impression from Albus that things weren't very well organised there at the moment. I think he and Severus are both getting rather fed up with it.'
Ah, an opportunity to talk about Snape. They had not been able to talk about other staff while Hermione had been a student, of course, but now they could say more or less what they liked.
'Severus seems fed up with everything and everyone at the moment,' Hermione said carefully.
'That's true,' Vivienne agreed. 'He's not by nature a cheerful person, it has to be said, but at the moment he's really in a bad mood. Just since the weekend, actually. Day before yesterday, when he got back from London, and ever since then. He's been snapping at everyone, keeping to himself …'
'It's not just me, then?' Hermione asked. 'I thought I'd offended him somehow.' And I have.
'Well … he did look very sour when he was talking to you at breakfast, but I wouldn't have said it was you, particularly.'
'Hmm. You don't know why he's annoyed, then?'
'All I know is that it's something about what happened in London … there are rumours about it among the pupils already, but nothing solid. I don't even know how they've found out he went to London.'
'How do you find out about the rumours?' Hermione asked, startled.
Vivienne smiled mischievously. 'We have ways of keeping an eye on them, you know. But I'm not allowed to tell you … it's a staff secret. Albus disapproves, but we do it anyway. It amused us.'
'So what are these rumours?'
'The commonest – and the most unlikely, I think – is that it's of an amorous nature. That he had some affair with some woman who's now dumped him, along those lines.'
Hermione almost laughed, but then stopped at a smile when she realised that nothing could be discounted as a possibility.
'Snape doesn't know about them, does he?'
'I don't know. He's found out rumours about him before, so I wouldn't be surprised. I don't think he'd try and be more cheerful even if he had, though. He doesn't really think much of other people's opinions. I guess he has enough to think about as a Death Eater.'
'What do you think?' Hermione prompted.
'I don't really know.' Vivienne smiled again. 'I'd like it to be amorous … I know Severus well enough to believe him capable – and deserving – of it. But he has a lot of secrets. I don't know. Albus makes sure the staff don't talk about each other behind their backs, at least not to each other, so all I can tell you is what I know and what I think. Albus has also asked us not to question Severus too closely – he has much higher clearance than us, as do you, so there are obviously things we're not allowed to know.'
Hermione thought for a few minutes. Vivienne had certainly raised many new ideas, but then Hermione knew things that Vivienne did not, was able to pin down more certainties than Vivienne. All the evidence suggested that Snape's irritability had been started when he'd found out about Lucius and Hermione. With good reason, she supposed, since it had severely damaged their work. But she did not know what else Snape had done in London – it was possible that something more personal had happened. She could not dismiss the idea of a broken affair, no matter how absurd it seemed.
'You like Severus, don't you?' she asked Vivienne.
'I do,' Vivienne replied. 'He's refreshingly … cynical. Minerva and Albus are obsessed with the idea that everything will be all right eventually – they're older, so I suppose that's what keeps them going – but Severus is perfectly willing to consider that it won't. I side with him – he's seen what the Death Eaters do, and it frightens him, because it's possible and … and altogether likely that they'll do the same to him, eventually. He hasn't admitted it, of course, but it's fairly obvious. His eyes go darker when we're talking about it.
'Anyway, he's intelligent, he know a lot about – quite a lot, really. He's one of these knows-everything-about-everything people. But he's fairly unassuming when it comes to me – I've talked to him a bit about my problems, like when I was going through my divorce and things, and he was very good about it. He's totally arrogant in some ways, of course, and doesn't reveal anything about his emotions, and sometimes he pisses the hell out of me, but generally I do like him, yes. Once, I -'
Vivienne broke off, then spoke more quietly. 'When I first started to talk to him I thought for a while I was in love with him, but … he can be so repulsive and cruel, and … I don't trust him totally. I was younger then, more naïve. Anyway, that's over now.'
Hermione was somehow not surprised by this last revelation. Snape was the sort of person who could draw someone easily almost without realising or meaning to, and in whom women especially seemed to be rather interested, curious. Perhaps it was because he seemed to be utterly solitary – he had no partner, as far as she knew, and until now she had heard nothing to suggest that he had any real friends.
She was happy that Vivienne was thick with Snape, though – she might prove an interesting connection to him. She made a mental note to herself that it might be useful.
Vivienne suddenly stopped talking about herself Severus, ran a hand through her short, dark brown hair, and said: 'February's a terrible time of year for the school, you know. There isn't any snow, but it's still bloody freezing, and there's a long time – months – 'till the Easter holidays.' She glanced at the clock, seeming rather embarrassed. 'Well, I'd better go and do some marking. I've got a girl who seems determined to fail her OWL, so I need to spend a bit of time working out while she's so bad at my subject.' She rose. 'I'll see you at supper, Hermione.'
Hermione nodded, and then instinctively stood too, and drew Vivienne to her in a crushing hug. 'Thanks for telling me all this … I'm flattered.'
Vivienne looked even more embarrassed. 'Don't mention it.'
*****
Snape was at supper, but looked as if he'd rather be anyway else. Hermione suspected that Dumbledore had 'encouraged' him to come up, and she smiled faintly. Evidently Albus was trying to help her a little, now she had proven herself worthy.
But Snape still seemed very out of sorts. He barely acknowledged Hermione, ate quickly and left as soon as he had finished without saying a word. It was almost as if he had never turned up at all, like at lunchtime.
Hermione caught Dumbledore's eye – they were slightly concerned, slightly sad – and shook her head in resignation. If Snape was determined to be antisocial, there was nothing she could do about it. But he was being secretive too, and it looked as if she was not going to be able to get anything out of him while he remained in this temper.
She began to worry that she was going to get extremely bored. Her quarry seemed to be doing his best to avoid her, and she had no other legitimate occupation. Perhaps she was going to have to push her mission forwards.
She wondered if Snape had received his letter – for she was sure he was expecting one. His gaze had rested too long on Minerva's owl at breakfast for him to be simply curious. No. He was waiting for something. And Hermione had a feeling she knew who it was from.
Lucius …
'You all right, Hermione?' Remus Lupin leaned over Snape's empty place and smiled at her. Hermione smiled back, genuinely pleased to have an opportunity to talk to him. For one thing, he was the only person with equal clearance to her apart from Snape, who would not talk to her, and Dumbledore, who was somewhat patronizing at times. Hermione always had the feeling that she was being supremely stupid with Albus, whereas Remus knew her abilities and acknowledged them.
'I'm fine,' she said cheerfully. 'Getting used to having an empty seat on my right at meals.'
'Yes,' Remus agreed. 'He does seem rather … busy.' There was enough of a pause for Hermione to know that Remus did not believe Severus' excuses.
'Anyway,' Remus continued. 'How's the Ministry? How's – how's Lucius?'
Hermione closed her eyes for a second. Shit, shit … Evidently Dumbledore had not thought to inform Remus.
She sighed. 'I gave up the investigation, Remus … it really wasn't working. Really.'
Remus raised a light brown eyebrow.
Hermione could see that she wasn't fooling him any more than Severus had. She sighed. 'Well, you know Lucius. Or at least you know of him.'
Remus nodded, his gaze steady. 'He seduced you, did he?' he murmured.
'Something like that.'
'And you're not going to explain any further?'
Hermione sighed again. 'I'd rather not, Remus, to be honest. It's quite complicated and Lucius and I would both sound like fools. Whereas in fact Lucius is a very intelligent man, and … well, I suppose I can't vouch for myself.'
'Hermione …' Remus passed a hand over his eyes. He looked much older than when Hermione had last seen him, many months ago. 'Hermione, everyone knows you're clever. You qualified to be an Auror almost two years earlier than most people do, and I don't care how hard you worked – it's you who made it happen. To get you in that sort of position Lucius must have done something rather … rather underhand.'
He did, Hermione told him silently. He made me fall in love with him.
*****
A/N: I've had to cut the end of this chapter off, if I'm honest, because I think it was starting to drag a little and because I think the ending I have on it now is much better. The rest of the material will be in the next chapter, but … please read and review! It's the reviews that keep me going – the ones from Organised Chaos really jumpstarted me. (I'm not obsessed with you or anything but you did help a lot – and yes, Lucius is a sexy beast!!). Ta.
~SS~