A/N I am a procrastinator. Ceech and Calum hate me for it. But it adds my to charms. So here it is. And I swear to god I am not trying to make this make sense, I just needed a way for it link together in some sort of way so that it would link together in some way! Get it? Got it? Good! Explain it to me!

Inuyasha was pounding the crap out of Kagome as was his Sunday custom.

As his fists rained down on the girl he had once loved and who loved him so much it ached inside he also rained down insult. Really, really devastating ones!

"You don't look good in fuscia!" he snarled. "You smell like mayonnaise! Your feet aren't like my feet! Your nose is big!"

Kagome could only collapse helplessly and submit to the terrible abuse that her one true love heaped upon her, sobbing and wondering how someone so beautiful could have so many terrible insults inside him.

'I love you,' Kagome thought as she managed, through some fluke--act of god--to survive a thorough trouncing from a hanyou.

As Inuyasha bruised her poor body, with his fists raining down as a rain falls upon something Kagome turned inwards. To save her sanity, she had taken to curling up in a small corner of her mind and singing show tunes.

But as today would have it, she had 'Row Your Boat' stuck in her head. So in the little corner of her mind that was her sanctuary she sang that instead!

'Row row row your-ow!- boat! Gently down the -ow!- stream! Merrily, Merrily-ow- merrily, life is but a -ow!-dream!'

Kagome could tell Inuyasha was working himself up into a terrible rage, he was now taking out all the wrongs of his life, delivered to him by the hands of unfeeling humans on her.

"This is for my acne problem when I was twelve! This is for wetting my pants when I was five! This is for the time I accidently used poison ivy as toilet paper!"

Kagome tried to look up at her true love, though her vision was blurred and obscured and basically hindered to the full extent of the law by the black eyes he'd given her and the tears in her eyes.

Inuyasha stopped beating her suddenly and exclaimed, "Kikyo? Naraku?"

Kagome had not yet passed out, so she looked up and watched as the miko and the demon in the baboon pelt slunk out of the bushes.

Kikyo passed Naraku something small and white and muttered what sounded suspiciously like "Crotch the weed man!"

Naraku looked at the object in his hands and shrugged. He pulled out his baboon pelt and stuffed whatever Kikyo had passed him down his pants. No sooner had he done this, but one of Kouga's few remaining wolves pounced on Naraku, biting down on where it smelled the weed. The wolf dragged the wailing Naraku off into the woods by his crotch.

The three in the clearing watched him go and shrugged.

"Inuyasha! When the spider weaves a web of dreams which the careless wanderer tears on his trek through the woods of adversity the virgins of the Temple will weep and eventide shall wash over us, leaving us on the darkness of our own contemplation!"

"That is so hot!" Inuyasha said. He launched himself at Kikyo and began kissing her frantically. Kikyo grabbed him and began kissing him back. They collapsed to the ground and began to make out wildly. Kagome blissfully and conveniently fell unconscious.

.:V:.

"Sango I'm sensing some hostility here," Miroku said calmly as Sango continued beating him violently about the head with Hiraikotsu.

"You stupid man! You stupid, stupid man!" she shrilled. "I hate you! I hate you!"

Miroku sighed heavily and wept silently in the innards of his innermost self for his dear sweet Sango.

When they hadn't been able to save Kohaku from his drug addiction, with mysterious origins, Sango had become violent and temperamental.

It didn't help that it was her time of month. His lovely lotus of budding feminity was always a wee bit touchy when it was the full moon. She got grumpy and refused to shave her legs.

Miroku could only wonder what happened to his lovely Sango, the woman who'd said she'd bear his child...if he was a good boy.

Finally Miroku could take her abuse no longer. He rose to his full height, and was smacked upside the head one last time.

He gave her a beseeching, soulful and somehow sexy look.

"Please Sango, I love you! I love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my loins! Please Sango! Bear my child and let us forget this foolish quest to cause me severe brain damage! It can only lead to heart ache!"

Sango in a fit of female rage hit Miroku upside the head with all her might. There was a resounding crack and Miroku fell forward, knocked unconscious.

.:V:.

Sesshomaru, came across Kagome's prone form and shrugged.

"That's something you don't see everyday!" he murmured to himself. He continued on his merry trek through the woods. He stopped when he came across Miroku's prone form.

"Well now that's curious," he murmured. He looked back over his shoulder, in the direction of Kagome. The hamster wheel in his head began to turn and a wonderfully devilish idea began to form.

Grabbing Miroku by the ankle Sesshomaru dragged Miroku to lay beside Kagome. Sesshomaru then switched their clothes.

But of course he didn't in any way shape or form violate their modesty! Especially not Kagome's, because that would be wrong and immoral. No, since this is just gender bending, cross dressing fun, no one was in anyway molested or made to feel small about themselves.

This author would now like to take the time to join hands with her readers and remind them all that we are all the children of the creator and are all special and loved. We are all unique and we can each contribute something to society to make the world a better and happier place!

Anyway, Sesshomaru put Kagome's school uniform on Miroku and put his robe on Kagome. Then he trotted away snickering.

.:V:.

Kagome woke slowly and found, much to her surprise, she was laying next to Miroku, who was wearing her school girl uniform.

She was quite puzzled at this development, but not quite puzzled enough to completely miss how breathtaking Miroku's legs were.

They were tanned (which was unusual for someone who wore a dress--robe all day) and perfectly formed. They were also rippling with the muscles that allowed him to keep up with Inuyasha for short bursts.

Kagome felt her face become very red as she leaned over his prone form, taking in all those sexy muscles he usually hid beneath his baggy robes. Who knew Miroku had a six pack? Amazing pecs and biceps to just die for? (I know nothing about muscles except abs are in your tummy!)

He moaned and began to stir.

Kagome gasped and placed a hand to her blushing cheek.

Blushing cheek? Wait a minute, wasn't Inuyasha just beating the crap out of her? Yes. But how can she be blushing? She should look like one giant bruise! It makes sense. But... It MAKES SENSE!

Miroku's fluttering lids opened and he stared into her face, confusion growing in his eyes. He looked at what she was wearing and frowned even more. He leaned up slightly to regard himself and frowned even more.

"This is new," he said slowly, uncertainly. "Lady Kagome, why have you...?"

"I didn't do this!" Kagome was shocked anyone could suggest such a thing. Her cheeks burned even hotter with embarrassment. "Miroku, I woke up and I was just wearing your robe!"

Miroku pushed himself up and frowned.

"This is indeed puzzling," he said.

Kagome's heart softened when Miroku didn't grope her; she thought it was because he was too worried about her. In reality, he wasn't sure if he could find her ass in that huge robe thing she was wearing. It was just too baggy!

Kagome helped him to his feet. Blushing as a stray wind cause his skirt to rise dangerously. But as in all animes, it didn't show anything, except indecent amounts of leg, which made Kagome's blush deepen.

It had been so long since she and Inuyasha had... you know, put on skirts and walked around in a stiff breeze that she was quite unprepared for the violence of her reactions. It took her breath away.

"Well, I suppose we should change back into our normal clothes," Kagome said looking around. She sighed heavily. "But I don't see any place we can go to change!"

Miroku nodded. He too scanned the forest.

"I know what you mean," he agreed. "All I see are bushes, trees, out houses and Kaede's hut. No change rooms in sight!"

Kagome felt a hot blush cross her already red cheeks. Which made them now even hotter and redder.... and blushier!

"Alright Miroku," Kagome said. "We'll just undress here! I trust you!"

Miroku nodded. They turned their backs to one another and began undressing, slipping out of one another's clothes.

And in completely anti-Miroku fashion he managed not to peep on Kagome. Because that would be taking advantage of her and it would make her feel little about herself and girls need to remember to love themselves and not to let anyone else decide their worth because we are all beautiful!

They exchanged clothes, without actually seeing each other naked because they are two very talented people and then, once they were wearing their own clothes again, they turned to face one another.

Kagome's cheeks turned red.... er. Her face was very red. So red in fact all the blood was rushing to her face, leaving the rest of her body pale and bloodless. Literally.

"I'm sorry if my presence has made you uncomfortable!" Miroku apologized.

"It's alright, Miroku," Kagome said in a soft, breathy voice. "It's just that..."

A gust of wind cut across her. Letting out a scandalized sound, she grabbed her skirt and held it down and it rose and danced with the wind. It revealed a large bruise on her upper thigh.

The only sign that Inuyasha had been beating her earlier.

"Kagome!" Miroku whispered staring at the bruise. "What's wrong? Why are you bruised?"

Kagome looked down and burst into tears.

"My secret has been revealed!" she cried, collapsing to the ground. "Inuyasha is abusive and beats me! Oh Miroku, I'm so ashamed!"

Miroku blinked.

"Oh, dude, I thought you bumped into a table or something!" he said blankly. "But abuse you say? I never knew Inuyasha was capable of that! I mean... I knew he could kill people, and I knew he had a messed up upbringing and I know he goes demonic and slaughters everything in sight, and I know he beats the crap out of Shippou every chance he gets... Never did I ever suspect he would be able to hurt you, though!"

Kagome dissolved into tears.

Miroku wrapped her in his strong embrace, holding her protectively.

"Lady Kagome you hide your pain so well," he whispered, stroking her hair.

"I know," she agreed. "I'm strong on the outside, but fragile on the inside! I'm like a box! Filled with those styrofoam chips to keep an expensive vase from breaking! I can travel okay, but if you play with me too roughly, or drop me from an airplane, I shatter!"

Miroku could only bow his head and nod sadly. It was time to tell her his secret.

"Kagome," he whispered. "You're not alone! Sango.... abuses me!"

"No!" Kagome gasped, pushing him back. "You mean beating you and slapping you has gone from foreplay to violence?"

"Yes," Miroku said. He couldn't keep the self loathing from his tone. "Yes I do mean that. I'm like you, Kagome! A slave to one I love but cannot love me in return! I love Sango, but I cannot condone her behavior. And also, I suspect she's werewolf."

"Use a metaphor Miroku!" Kagome begged him. "Please, tell me in a metaphor!"

"I am like an egg, round and smooth, and found only under birds. Beneath that soft shell of my exterior though, I'm yellow and wet and slimy and if anything happens to my fragile shell, I'll go splat on the rocks!"

Kagome gasped in horror at this terrible metaphor.

"I guess we two are empowered victims," she said slowly.

"Yes," Miroku agreed, ignoring the fact that 'empowered victims' is an oxymoron.

"We must band together and combine our strength to heal these wounds to our souls," Kagome decided.

"Yes," Miroku agreed.

"Miroku?" Kagome asked him.

"Yes, Kagome?" he asked her.

She bit her lip. She wasn't used to asking these types of questions.

"Will you grope me?"

Miroku smiled widely.

"Yes, Kagome!" And he groped her with all his heart.

.:V:. Somewhere in the forest...

"Ahh! Ahh! Help me! Help meeeee!"

The wolf continued dragging him through the forest by his... ah hem... area.

"Oh god this is the worst pain ever!" he wailed. "Help!"

A/N Dude, worse then Naraku and Kagome... Warped. Seriously... warped. It has its moments... right? Yeah.... I'll leave now. I did get wigged though, Inuyasha shows more abusive tendencies then I thought... hmm! ANYway. I hope you like the next chapter, it'll be funny because I'm not writing it! Man! It's like all my antics leave me when I'm not writing Sesshomaru. Maybe I need to make some sort of sacrifice to him for continued hilarity. There's a thought.... here kitty, kitty, kitty!