A/N (Super Ceech) Hey, there, people! Just a few quick words before I hand the show over to Calum! Um...ryuu-oh...have you ever considered therapy...? And Aiffe...you keep telling yourself that... 'Cause you know, obviously we love this pairings... I mean, Inuyasha and Kikyo? Kagura and Kouga? Miroku and Kagome? What's not to love? I wonder...has it ever occurred to you that we write these parodies because we think these pairings are the dumbest things on earth and want to just plain mock them? Alright, okay; I'm done being cynical now. Please, enjoy Calum's next masterpiece...
A/N (Calum the Angel) I'll be hosting you through this delightful romp of monks and identity crises. Now, for those of you who may or may not be yaoi fans yourselves, I bear you no grudge for that. I, however, am not a huge fan of it, and decided that it would be amusing to poke some fun at it. And who better to victimize than King of Womanizing himself, Miroku? So I will say again, I have nothing against yaoi, but some ideas you get for parodies are just too good to pass up. Just a note: I have absolutely no idea whether they used gold as currency or not— I'm thinking not, but like I said, I don't know— and what Jakotsu and Bankotsu are like. For the latter predicament, I'll just be making stuff up that sounds about right. At the end, I managed to make Miroku/Sango hints. Funny thing that... Ack well. Onwards!
Miroku pulled down the covers on his bed roll. He rubbed his eyes sleepily as morning sun poured in through the window of the old wooden hut. He sat up and stretched, prepared to tackle whatever tasks came his way during the course of that day... But first...
"I'm feeling fun," he said thoughtfully. "I think I'll try gay on for size."
He crawled out of bed and picked up his staff, standing at his full height and looking out into the meadows beyond the hut.
"But what to do first with my newfound attraction to men? I know women love it when I grab their behind, but how would men feel? Well, the best way to learn anything is through hands-on experience. Heh heh heh..."
He strode out into the field where Kagome and Shippou were preparing breakfast, and Inuyasha and Sango were inspecting their gear.
"Good morning, everyone," Miroku greeted jovially.
"Good morning," Sango greeted, sitting next to a lone tree. She glanced up from the Hiraikotsu a moment to flash him a smile.
"You slept in," Inuyasha remarked snidely.
"Yes, sorry about that," Miroku apologized. "It must have been because I was lying in the sun."
"Well you'd better not do it again, monk," Inuyasha sneered. "What if some demon attacked and you were still snoring away in there?"
"Please believe me. I'm sorry, I really am," Miroku pleaded gently. He stepped closer, Inuyasha watching him carefully. He was right next to him when he said in a husky voice, "Can you ever forgive me?"
The girls and Shippou gave Inuyasha an odd look when he suddenly let out a rather un-Inuyasha-like squeak. Inuyasha glanced down, panicked, following the angle Miroku's arm made as it wound around the hanyou and finally ended at the point of Inuyasha's unrest.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Inuyasha screamed like a banshee. He leapt clear up into the tree that loomed above them, and wrapped his arms and legs tightly around a thick branch for dear life, gasping for air.
"What just happened here?" Kagome asked, bewildered.
"Um, Miroku," Sango said tentatively. "Tell me you didn't just do what I thought you did..."
"What did you think I do?" the monk asked innocently. "I was merely apologizing for sleeping in so late. I think you all deserve to hear it from me. It was very irresponsible of me."
"Oh, don't worry about it," Kagome said. Her voice sounded a little unsure. "If there was a demon attack, we know you would wake up. You're very good about that."
"Thank you, Kagome," Miroku said. "I appreciate it."
"Feh..." Inuyasha muttered. He braved to leap down from the tree, landing a safe distance from Miroku and eying the monk suspiciously.
Miroku equally watched the hanyou for a moment, noticing the delicate movement of his long, silver hair as it undulated in a soft breeze. How beautiful it was, even on a creature that could be so harsh sometimes...
..:V:..
When they were prepared to set out again, they took off along the road. By about noontime, they came to rest in a peaceful meadow for lunch. A river ran nearby, and the forest they had emerged from stood not far away.
Inuyasha was washing his face in the river. Sango was playing with Kirara. Kagome was talking to Shippou. Miroku was rather bored.
The monk sat up against a large boulder, gazing up at the blue sky and noting how one cloud in particular looked somewhat like a bunny. He began to feel guilty, not having anything productive to do, so he rose to his feet. He wandered through the plush, green grass and into a shallow part of the forest.
He felt his ploy to go on watch duty was dissolving fast, and was about to return to the meadow, when he noticed a rustling in some bushes not far off. He ran to check on what it was.
Miroku readied his staff over the bushes, and they gave a sharp jolt and a shadow moved quickly away from behind a tree. It was too quick for him to trace with his eyes, so he scanned the area briefly.
"Oh, it's you."
Miroku gave a yelp and whirled around at the sudden presence. He sighed and relaxed when he saw that it was Kouga, and he did not appear to be in a particularly bad mood.
"It's just the monk," Kouga called out, and Ginta and Hakkaku appeared from the forest.
"Why have you come down from the mountains?" Miroku asked.
"Kouga picked up Kagome's scent not far away," Hakkaku explained, "and traced it back to here."
"Yeah, he's gonna try and take her back with us," Ginta added.
"Quiet, you dolts!" Kouga snapped. "You're not supposed to tell him our plan! Numbskulls..."
As the wolf demon was telling his comrades off, Miroku was standing by, noting well his tanned, muscular legs, and the way his biceps tensed up when he was angry, rippling and bulging beneath his skin.
"Oh my," Miroku swooned, fighting off the urge to fan himself.
Kouga turned his head and quirked an eyebrow at the monk. "What?"
"Nothing," Miroku purred naively, taking a few steps forward until he was right next to Kouga. "Just...looking." With that, he grabbed a handful of wolf-pelt.
"EEEK!"
Kouga screamed in a very high-pitched manner and leapt into Hakkaku's arms. Kouga wrapped his arms around Hakkaku's head, visibly shaking. "Wh-what's the matter with you?!"
Miroku pouted. "You know, you could just as easily have jumped into my arms."
Kouga stared in wide-eyed horror at the monk. He shared a distressed look with Hakkaku.
Obviously having lost interest in Kouga, Miroku turned to Ginta next. The wolf demon flinched and stared, aghast, at the monk.
"Sir," Miroku said in a sweet-but-manly tone. He got down on one knee and grasped Ginta's right hand. "Would you do me the honour of bearing my child?"
Ginta's eye twitched. He looked to Kouga for help. The wolf prince, still in Hakkaku's arms, shook his head quite adamantly at his comrade.
"Uh, n-no," Ginta stuttered. "I-I'm sorry, but...no."
"I am forever withered!" Miroku sobbed, falling to both knees and placing the back of his hand on his forehead. "I will respect your decision, but if you should ever change your mind, fair sir, I will be here with my arms open; my heart open!"
"With your robe open," Hakkaku added sarcastically.
"Kouga," Ginta squeaked. "Can we leave?"
"Yes," Kouga said flatly. "Yes we can."
Kouga leapt down from Hakkaku's arms and ran through the forest, whipping up a tornado as he went. Incidently, Ginta and Hakkaku did the same thing, even without Shikon Jewel shards in their legs.
"Hm..." Miroku murmured, still sitting on the forest floor. "This has never happened before. I wonder what's different this time...?"
..:V:..
Not yet eager to return to the meadow, Miroku wandered a little deeper into the forest, eventually coming across a small clearing. He stopped and had a look around. The chirping of a bird caught his attention, and he looked overhead for the aviary creature. Instead, as he gazed up into the sky, he saw a strange cloud bearing down on him from above. As it drew closer, two figures were visible on top of it. The cloud finally came to land on the other side of the clearing, opposite Miroku. A young man of slender build with long black hair done up in a braid stepped off of the cloud, followed by a more beast-like demon, with a wider build and a lizard-like face.
The first man, with red eyes and carrying an ornate pike, stepped forward and addressed Miroku. "My name is Hiten, and this is my brother, Manten. We have become known as the Thunder Brothers, and if you are wise, you will comply with our demands. We know your friends are in possession of shards of the sacred Shikon Jewel. Take us to them now, and perhaps we will spare your life."
Miroku merely wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and approached the two by their cloud. "Well, well, what have we here?"
Hiten's expression changed from one of malice to confusion. "Huh?"
Miroku stood next to Hiten and began stroking the top of his head. "What gorgeous, silky hair. So smooth, so shiny..."
Hiten glared angrily at the unwanted hand on his hair and ducked out of the way, threatening Miroku with his pike.
Manten stared at the odd encounter, equally enraged. "You take your filthy, unworthy hands off of my brother's hair, you cur!" He pulled his fist back, preparing to take on the monk in a fight, but merely succeeded in knocking a small bag off of their cloud with his elbow. The bag landed on the ground and spilled its contents, several pieces of gold.
"You clumsy oaf!" Hiten spat. "Pick it all up!"
"No! Our money!" Manten cried. He stooped down and began shovelling the gold back into the bag.
Miroku watched Manten with great satisfaction as he bent over.
Enjoying the view, Miroku cried, "Whoo, dawgie! Daddy's got a full load tonight!" He began advancing on the demon, hands at the ready.
"Manten!" Hiten warned his brother desperately. "Run!"
Manten turned his head, shocked, and screamed when he saw the monk coming towards him. He leapt back onto the cloud along with his brother.
"Wait!" Manten said. "What about the gold?"
"Leave it!" Hiten shouted.
With that, the cloud zipped away in the blink of an eye, into the sky and out of sight.
Miroku watched it go, slightly disappointed but never discouraged. Oh no, not our Miroku. He continued on his merry way through the forest, circling back around slowly on his way back to the meadow.
The forest started getting dark, for the foliage above was becoming very thick and blocking out the sun. It was somewhat difficult to see in the shade, but a tiny pale figure was like a beacon on the ground, right in the middle of Miroku's path.
As the monk drew nearer, he noticed that it was a white parasitic creature with a worm's body, scythes on the ends of its skinny arms, and a somewhat human head, with long lavender hair and violet lips.
"Hey, I remember you!" Miroku exclaimed, running down the path and dropping to his knees before the creature. He took it up in its arms, holding it like a baby. "You're Kageromaru! I never noticed it before, but you sure are an adorable little parasite!"
Kageromaru blinked several times before swiping at Miroku with one long blade. Miroku had to pull his head back sharply to avoid the attack.
"Aw, isn't that cute?" Miroku cooed. "He's trying to gouge my eyes out!"
Miroku heard a hiss from in front of him, and looked up to see another demon crouched before him. He had the same head as Kageromaru, but a human body wrapped in dark-coloured clothing.
"Juromaru!" Kageromaru exclaimed. "Help me!"
Juromaru snatched Kageromaru out of Miroku's arms and popped the parasite into his mouth. The tail wriggled between his dark lips before he sucked it all the way in and swallowed. Juromaru glared at the monk and gave one last hiss before running deeper into the forest.
Miroku stood and dusted off the front of his robes. He made a clawing motion with his hand after the demon, and he scoffed, "Well, me-ow!" before continuing along the path.
The forest started to lighten up some when he saw another man walking the path in the opposite direction from him. He wore a pastel pink kimono spangled in green flowers with a large sword sheathed at his back and a mauve scarf draped over his shoulders. His black hair was done up behind his head, and a blue stripe descended from each eye.
As the two came closer, they recognized each other, but both feigned innocence.
"What vision of loveliness is this?" Miroku wondered.
"Aren't you the yummy one?" Jakotsu said flamboyantly. He walked up to the monk and began to tug playfully on his ponytail. "You look so delicious I could just eat you up!"
"That can be arranged," Miroku replied suggestively.
Jakotsu giggled. "Why, you were never like this before. Or, was it because you were in the company of others? Well, now we can be alone."
"Indeed," Miroku agreed in a husky voice, coming ever closer to Jakotsu. Jakotsu smiled and placed his hands on Miroku's shoulders.
"Jakotsu!" another man's voice shouted from the forest. His long black hair was braided, and he wore a white and navy kimono with gray armor, gauntlets, greaves and spats. A red, four-pointed star decorated the centre of his forehead.
"Oh, Bankotsu!" Jakotsu cried happily to the other man approaching along the forest path. "Look what I found! Can I keep him?"
"No!" Bankotsu shouted adamantly. "He's the enemy, you fool! Stop your tomfoolery at once!"
Jakotsu pouted. "Tsk. You're no fun." He turned to Miroku. "Sorry, sweetums, but I have to go now."
"Surely we will meet again," Miroku promised.
"Stay out of trouble," Jakotsu said in a sing-song voice, patting Miroku on the rear. As he walked away, Miroku's slapped Jakotsu's right back. Jakotsu jumped and yelped, and turned to glare playfully at the monk. He waved a finger, scolding, "Ah ah ah!"
Bankotsu rolled his eyes irritably as the two made their way down the forest path in the opposite direction Miroku was going. Miroku stood swooning for a moment, then digressed.
Miroku found himself nearly back out into the meadow when a shadowy figure stepped out from behind a tree, partly blocking Miroku's path. Leaning against the tree seductively was an effeminate man with long, thick black locks in a ponytail, red eye shadow and clothing of violet and cream.
"Naraku?" Miroku asked, slightly in awe. He was certainly not expecting this encounter. However, his speaking of the hated name came out more like a confused question than a snarl of animosity.
"Yes," Naraku hissed quietly. "How would you like to come back to my castle, where we can make some orchestral maneuvers in the dark?"
Miroku stroked his chin thoughtfully, untactfully looking Naraku up and down. "Mm, no, thank you. I don't swing that way."
Naraku watched in disbelief as the monk brushed past him and continued on his way out of the forest. Enraged, the hated demon turned to Juromaru and Kageromaru, who were concealed in the dark of the trees behind him.
"I thought you said he was attracted to men now!" Naraku snapped.
The demon and the parasite shared a look, then turned back to their patron and shrugged.
..:V:..
As Miroku emerged from the forest, the four in his company ran to him.
"Miroku, where have you been?" Sango demanded.
"You scared us!" Kagome agreed.
Inuyasha growled, "Don't bugger off into the forest without tellin' us first, ya moron!"
"I know, I'm sorry," Miroku apologized. "Please forgive my actions. I haven't quite been myself lately."
"You got that right..." Inuyasha concurred, taking a step back.
"I merely felt as if I should go take up watch in the forest," Miroku explained. "And now that I think of it, I did avert quite a few foes..."
Inuyasha was about to demand of Miroku what he was talking about, when his nose caught a scent in the air. "Sesshoumaru!"
Everyone was immediately on their guard, and turned around to see what Inuyasha had just smelled. Sesshoumaru descended to the ground on a glittering cloud with Jaken at his side.
"Brother," Sesshoumaru said. "It is time for you to die."
"Don't you ever give up?!" Inuyasha growled, reaching for Tetsusaiga.
"Wait, Inuyasha," Miroku said, stepping forward. "Let me see if I can't smooth things over."
The monk began walking straight towards Sesshoumaru, much to the dismay of his comrades.
"Miroku, no!" Kagome shouted.
"He'll kill you, Miroku!" Shippou cried.
"You fool!" Inuyasha barked. "Come back!"
Sango winced. "What does he think he's doing?"
Miroku stopped directly in front of Sesshoumaru. The dog demon gave him a steady gaze, and threatened the monk with the tip of Toukijin. "Out of my way, monk. Or you will suffer the same fate as Inuyasha."
"If that fate is your eternal love and devotion," Miroku sighed, "then let me have it!"
His four friends stared, shocked into submission, at the obscenity taking place before their very eyes.
Sesshoumaru, still as stony-faced as ever, lowered his sword and merely stared at the clearly unwell monk.
Miroku continued, "We have met on many occasions, but this is my one experience that I finally realize what a truly beautiful creature you are. Your hair is like a shimmering waterfall of silver." He began to stroke the fluffy slung over Sesshoumaru's right shoulder. "And this...this...thing. It's so soft and warm. May I rest my head on it?"
Sesshoumaru's expression was unreadable, but it seemed that his eyes had gotten a little wider. He turned his head and little and slowly shifted his eyes downward. "Jaken?"
"Y-yes, Master Sesshoumaru?" Jaken answered nervously.
"Please, leave us a moment." Sesshoumaru's voice betrayed a hint of emotion, one of apprehensiveness. "I simply will not allow you to see this kind of behavior from this man. Especially not after the...fiasco."
"Yes, of course, Master Sesshoumaru!" Jaken complied readily. The little imp ran away as fast as his legs could carry him.
Sesshoumaru returned his anxious stare to Miroku, who was looking up into his eyes longingly.
"Quick question," the dog demon said. "...Why?"
"I just thought it would be a lark," Miroku shrugged. "You ask why? I answer, why not!"
"Ah," Sesshoumaru nodded, now understanding. "I think I know how to solve your problem. You see, you appear to be suffering from an identity crisis."
"Suffering?" Miroku repeated. "I'm enjoying every minute of it!"
"Yes, well," Sesshoumaru muttered dismissively, as if trying not to listen. He turned to the rest of the group. "Your monk will return to normal by the next sunrise. There's a day in every bishounen's life when he goes through an identity crisis much like this one."
"So just for today he's attracted to men?" Sango guessed.
"What are you, the narrator?" Sesshoumaru demanded abrasively.
Sango crossed her arms defensively and quietly snorted, "Hmph!"
"But to answer your question, yes," Sesshoumaru continued, Miroku rubbing his fluffy against his face. "With some of us, it's anything with two legs and a heartbeat."
"Oh..." Sango moaned.
"Wait, so you mean that one of these days," Inuyasha said, "it's going to happen to...me?"
"Of course," Sesshoumaru replied. "I, too, shall fall victim to the identity crisis someday. I only hope I will be as far away as possible from any other living being when it happens..."
"I'm just glad Miroku didn't come after me," Shippou sighed in relief.
"Oh, the day is still young!" Miroku bubbled.
"AAHHH!" Shippou screamed. He hid beneath Kagome's hair.
Miroku turned to Sesshoumaru. "And where's that delightful little imp, Jaken?"
"I have to go now," Sesshoumaru said quickly, shoving the monk away. He tugged his fluffy out of Miroku's grasp and resheathed Toukijin. He pointed at Inuyasha. "I'm leaving, but I expect you to die later."
"Don't hold your breath..." Inuyasha muttered.
Sesshoumaru disappeared into the sky on his glittering cloud in record speed.
"So, Inuyasha," Miroku purred, turning around slowly. "Where were we this morning?"
"Oh, no!" Inuyasha cried adamantly. "We're puttin' you in quarantine until you're back to normal!"
"Who says this isn't normal?" Miroku shrugged. "I'm rather enjoying myself, you know? I might just keep doing this everyday."
"Wh-what?!" Inuyasha screamed.
"C'mere, my little Inu-kins!'
"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
Miroku chased Inuyasha in the forest.
"That does it!" Sango shouted. "You manizing is just as bad as your womanizing! I won't stand for it!" She and Kirara pursued the two into the forest.
"Wow, Sango sure did seem mad," Shippou said, emerging from Kagome's hair.
"I think if I was Sango," Kagome said, running in to the forest after the others, "I would be, too."