A/N Hey, folks; this is Spacewolf. I'm co-writing this fic with Calum and Ceech. I'm the one who hates her own work. I run into walls all the time because I don't think what I'm writing is funny at all. But Calum and Ceech like it some of the time so I guess it's not too bad! I'm going to sum up why this is late. Sess/Rin is the one pairing we've done so far that I support, but I think it's a screwy pairing for numerous reasons. I sort of want to fully explore why I think THE ONLY pairing I support in this fic is screwed up. It took us a while to work it out, but we finally decided to do a three part Sess/Rin series, to explain WHY we feel this way. Sorry this is so late, it's all my fault, and maybe also due in some way to my hesitance to full explore just how wrong this pairing is.
A/N (Calum the Angel) Dear Aiffe: Yeah, we thought your idea about being Takahashi's avatars was so brilliant, that we wrote to Rumiko ourselves! Unfortunately, when she responded, it was all in Japanese, so we had to assume it was okay. So now we call ourselves Takahashi's Avatars Unlimited and we made up a logo and got jackets and started a club... BY THE WAY, THAT WAS SARCASM!!!
Dear Ithilwen K–Bane: Yes, I think abuse is wrong too. The kind of abuse just like that in Spacewolf's chapter, in many, many other angst filled fics I've seen out there, in YOUR fic where Inuyasha, Miroku and Hojo almost get raped – oh, wait... Well, then who are you to judge????
A/N (Super Ceech) Yes... We've noticed that there seems to be a few disgruntled people out there. I just want to remind everybody that this is a humour fic. As such, it's also our sense of humour. We don't expect everybody to share it, obviously. And if you don't share it, that's fine; we're in no way forcing you to read it.
Also, I'd like to put in a note that it's somewhat useless to criticize this type of fic (unless it's on the grammar and such – or to comment on our twisted minds, lol). It reflects what we find funny, and there's not much anybody can do to change that. I mean, you can still put in your two cents worth, I suppose, but it won't have a huge impact on future chapters if that's what you were hoping.
But on a more cheerful note, THANK YOU to everybody who left such nice reviews! We're so glad you're enjoying it so far and we're glad to bring to you as much laughter in your life as we can! We're really flattered and sincerely hope you like this next chapter! Oh, and thank you to everybody who's been suggesting more screwy pairings to us. We've got a bunch planned out right now, but more new ones are always worth considering!
And now; without further ado; the first installment of the Sess/Rin possibilities!
One day, Rin was outside picking flowers as she had a habit of doing, and Jaken was babysitting her, as he had a habit of doing. This was mainly because Sesshomaru had threatened him, which he had a habit of doing.
The flowers stood in dirt as they had a habit of doing.
All in all, everything was normal, this peaceful, calm morning. Everything was perfectly normal and like any other day.
Except.
Deep in the lair of Lord Sesshomaru, a strange ritual was taking place.
One so arcane and obscure its origins were all but forgotten.
The making of the birthday cake!
That's right ladies and gentlemen; Sesshomaru, Lord of the Western Lands, was making a birthday cake.
But this wasn't no wimpy cake.
This was, a three layer, super chocolate cake with pink and white frosting!
Lord Sesshomaru had been working all day to make the house perfect for Rin's party. Rin didn't have friends; well she did have one, but he'd looked at Sesshomaru funny and Jaken had overreacted and needless to say it had ended badly.
But that was no reason that his adorable little stepdaughter/niece/ward/adopt-a-wretch didn't deserve the best damn birthday party he could give! And so, he had gone to Kaede in the last chapter to get a cup of sugar.
He wore a pink apron to protect his clothes, and was smudged with flour and had the remains of an egg and yoke in his hair. Not to mention pink frosting on his nose, but the cake was completed.
Sesshomaru stood back and eyed his pink creation. It stood tall and round, wide and inviting. It's heavenly scent was twice as tantalizing to Sesshomaru as it was to humans. The thought of all that chocolate and sugar made the Lord of the Western Lands positively weak at the knees.
Satisfied, he called out to his stepdaughter/niece/ward/urchin.
"Rin! Please come inside for a moment!"
Sesshomaru lifted up the platter upon which he had placed the cake and carried it to the diningroom, as the kitchen was an unholy mess. Rin's eyes lit up at the sight of the huge birthday cake her Fluffy-sama was bringing towards her. He set it on the table in front of her with a satisfied look on his face. He had a smear of icing on his nose, but she didn't want to tell him and upset him.
"It looks so yummy, Fluffy-sama!" she gushed.
"Blow out the candles, Rin," he said indulgently. "And make a wish!"
Excited at the prospect of making a wish, Rin closed her eyes and blew as hard as she could. When she opened her eyes, her little face fell.
"Oh dear," she moaned. One candle was left still alight! Now her wish wouldn't come true!
A billow of black smoke oozed from the candle.
"I am the spirit of the cursed sugar!" it said as it took on a vaguely human form. "For failing to blow out one candle I shall turn you into a teenager!"
"Why?" Rin asked curiously.
"Because I'm a spirit from cursed sugar that's why!" it responded hotly. "Honestly! It's not enough for people to be cursed anymore! Now they want to know why!"
Muttering about rude people who needed to know why they were being doomed to torment of some kind, the spirit disappeared.
Then promptly spun itself right back into existence.
"By the way, you're now a slutty sex kitten with no shame!"
And then spun itself out fo existence.
Rin discovered just as the spirit had said, she was now a teenage girl. She would pin her age down at about sixteen. Old enough to be hot, and still young enough to be a sweet and innocent virgin. In fact, by her wager, she was at appropriate fangirl age.... (koff, koff!).
Also, much to her surprise, she'd lost all shame. Which came in handy because her kimono hadn't grown with her and she was practically busting out of it, and yet everything essential was covered,. Making her sexy, but not gratuitous, because as this author explained in a previous chapter it is not our intention to make anyone feel small about themselves!
Now, maybe it was because her kimono was too small, or perhaps because it had become too tight, but for some reason or other, Rin found she was also quite the little slut. Not that she'd sleep with just anyone though. She realized, much to her fascination, she now wanted Sesshomaru as badly as she wanted to go shoe shopping. For a sixteen year-old girl, that's bad!
Now all she had to do was make her Fluffy-sama want her too!
She sashayed towards Sesshomaru, her hips swaying sensuously as she crossed around the table. One of her arms snaked around his neck and leaning close, she licked the frosting off his nose.
"You had some icing on your face!" she purred.
"Oh, now Rin; that was unhygienic!" Sesshomaru scolded. "We use wash cloths in this house, young lady!"
She was floored. Here she was, barely dressed and suddenly old enough, and hot enough for him, and he didn't seem to notice.
With that certainty all teenage girls feel when they've made a conclusion about a boy, she decided that she would simply need to try harder to secure his attentions!
As a sixteen year-old virgin with the life experience of an eight year-old, she felt she knew what she was doing. Just to be certain, she decided to consult Kagome about getting some modern day help.
Kagome, the brilliant girl that she was, brought back some clothes and accessories and a copy of Cosmo magazine. Following the advice in the articles, Rin dressed careful the next day so as to make an impression on Sesshomaru.
"Sesshomaru-sama!" she called from outside the diningroom the next day at breakfast.
"Yes dear?" Sesshomaru asked, reading the daily news scroll.
"Would you like to see my new outfit? I have clothes that fit now!"
"Okay honey," he agreed absently. "Gas is up? People need to stop eating so many beans!"
"Okay!" Rin exclaimed. She jumped into view. "What do you think?"
Sesshomaru lowered his scroll, a genial smile (which he'd been saving for just such an occasion) vanished off his face.
She had applied makeup to her face. She'd applied colour to her cheeks in savage red streaks, bringing out her cheek bones drastically. Her eyes had been done to make them look more Egyptian at the corners. She'd blended blue and purple around them to accent dark lashes framing her large doe eyes. Her lips had been painted a bright, moist looking crimson.
The likeness to any number of pop divas was stunning.
Sesshomaru thought she looked like a rainbow racoon that was practically drooling.
"You look," he paused. "Good!"
Rin's shoulders slumped.
Maybe Sesshomaru needed a better look at her! She was hot now! She sashayed towards him and pivoted, grinned at him over her shoulder and sashayed back to her previous spot.
Showing off her trendy low slung jeans, styling new boots, and super sexy black and lacy blouse.
"What do you think?" she asked him happily.
'My goodness,' Sesshomaru though to himself. 'Rin's ass is escaping her pants.' He managed to keep this comment to himself.
"That Kagome girl is a bad influence," was all he managed to say, before turning back to his paper.
Rin stared at him in disbelief. Here she was, looking as good as she could, and he didn't notice her at all!
Miffed and hurt she stormed out of the room. She consulted her Cosmo magazine. One of the article suggested she make common things sexy to spice up her love life.
She went back to the breakfast table with a look of determination.
"Hey, daddy," she purred, entering the room.
"Hello, Rin," Sesshomaru looked up at her again. "Ready?"
"Baby, are you?" she responded. She straddled a chair sitting on it backwards.
"Oh, yes; I'm ready," Sesshomaru nodded. "I'm hungry!"
Rin watched Sesshomaru as Jaken brought him a plate of scrambled eggs, sausage, toast and bacon.
She toyed with her goblet of orange juice and trailed her fingers over its stem suggestively. Sesshomaru didn't notice as he was too busy examining his egg to see if there were any shells in it.
When Jaken brought her plate, Sesshomaru pronounced it was fit to eat.
"Oh, good," Rin murmured. "I'm starving!"
"Well, dig in!" Jaken urged.
She started with the toast. She leisurely buttered it, making each stroke even and precise and sensual. She tried to get a suggestive rhythm going. After the butter came jam. Once her toast was fully 'prepare' she was ready to eat. Sesshomaru hadn't noticed a thing.
An article in Cosmo had said to make a lot of noise. So she did so.
"Oh!" she moaned, taking a slow, sexy bite out of her toast. "Oh, baby, that's good!" She leaned forward and bit down harder, licking the jam off, stretching her tongue as far as she could. "Just like that!" she hummed. "I like it like that!"
After the toast, she moved onto the sausages....
She nibbled them all slowly, with a little more tongue action and sucking then really necessary for eating sausages. She made eye contact with Sesshomaru while licking part of her breakfast. When he dropped his knife, she could tell he thought it was really hot.
"You're eggs are getting cold dear," he said thickly.
She grinned. So, he was liking this was he? Well, Cosmos sure knew what it was talking about!
She took a forkful of the eggs, doing everything in her power to look sexy.
"Oh these are good!" she purred. "They're so moist, and bouncy!"
"I believe the term is fluffy," Sesshomaru offered helpfully. "Jaken added cheese to mine!"
"Would you mind if I tried some of your eggs?" Rin asked him a breathy whisper.
Sesshomaru shook his head. And got a forkful for her. Instead of taking the fork, like he'd intended for her to, Rin rose so she was leaning across the table, giving the other side a full view down her top. She took Sesshomaru's hand, and caressed it slightly before guiding it and the fork towards her mouth.
She hummed with pleasure at tasting the eggs.
She was certain he wanted her now! She'd conducted herself without restraint, behaved like a slut and was making all the sound effects to a bad romance book on tape. He had to want her!
As she slid back into her own seat she picked up the bacon.
After breakfast and taking a few minutes to celebrate her victory, smug in the knowledge Sesshomaru was now hers she crept to the kitchen where her soon to be boy toy was cleaning dishes with Jaken.
"I tell you, Jaken," Sesshomaru was saying. "I knew teenagers were hard to raise! But it's like all of Rin's table manners flew out the window today! All these parents scrolls I've read say to relax and not wear yourself out on the minor battles with teens, but surely I can't be expected to eat with something who's playing with her food everyday, now can I?"
Rin turned and flew.
Hot tears streaming down her face. She flew to her room and flung herself down across her bed, sobbing wildly, hugging her pillow.
She'd thought Sesshomaru was beginning to see her as a beautiful woman, but apparently he thought she was still a silly girl!
She grabbed Cosmo. It told her that men needed to know your feelings to be able to fully express theirs.
She wrote a very expressive poem and then, too shy to see him face to face, called in Jaken to read it to him while she hid in her room and waited for Sesshomaru's response.
She could see it all now.
He'd be so moved by what she'd written, he'd fly to her side and kiss her and then.... and she wasn't entirely sure what would happen next, but she was confident both she and her hormones would like it!
"Master Sesshomaru," Jaken said. "I have some home written poetry for you!"
"Very well, Jaken," Sesshomaru sighed.
Jaken began to read:
"My frigid lord, your beauty cuts me deep
You're there; always with me as I sleep
Your face, haunting, beneath the pale moon
Tells me that you want to take me soon.
Our desire burns as hot as the heart of a sun
I cannot wait, until our two bodies will be one!"
Jaken did not survive long enough to tell Sesshomaru the poetry had been written by Rin.
After Sesshomaru had killed him, he went on a wild rage, destroying things, refusing to answer why he'd become so enraged, and screaming at random intervals, "Why can't a pretty man be straight!?"
Rin didn't know what was wrong with him. So she consulted her Cosmo. It told her, with all it's infinite wisdom that her beloved Sesshomaru was a little, shall we say "tense" and was too afraid to ask her to shall we say, "ease it." So, she would have to, shall we say "take a chance," and shall we say, " just do it."
She took her, shall we say, "chance," the next day when Sesshomaru was still outside, smashing things, so he decided a tree would have to do. Rin, saw her opportunity and went for it.
Sesshomaru was peeing on a tree whistling the circus tune.
"Hi, Sess," Rin whispered in a breathing whisper, coming up behind him. "Need a hand?"
"No, thank you Rin," Sesshomaru responded. There was a zipping sound and he straightened his clothes. "It's not a two person job!"
He brushed passed her to continue burning things.
Rin stomped home to consult her Cosmo one last time. She needed this! She'd always loved Sesshomaru. Like every little girl she'd always dreamed of being saved by a hero, and hers had saved her, and now it was her chance to make him see how she loved him before he'd raised her too long and things got awkward.
One article jumped out at her.
BATHE TOGETHER!
She nodded and closed her magazine with a determined glint in her eyes. She rose and marched into the woods. It took her a few hours to find him, but when she did, it was more then worth it.
He was already naked and reclining in a hot pool with his head titled back, sighing periodically. Rin stripped out of her clothes and slipped into the piping hot water.
Sesshomaru looked a little surprised to see her swimming towards him.
"Rin, you shouldn't be here," he said looking worried. "This.... this isn't a good idea."
Rin was too determined to stop though. He finally seemed to realize that her feelings had grown up with her and he finally seemed to realize she was a big girl.
Her body was tingling all over, she just assumed it was with anticipation.
"Sesshomaru, I need to make you understand something!" she said firmly. Approaching him. She was only three feet away from him.
"Sesshomaru, I love you!" she said firmly.
Sesshomaru smiled tenderly. (You heard me! He smiled! Tenderly! Get over it!)
"I know you do, Rin!" he said wading towards her.
Rin's heart soared as he reached for her.
"I've never doubted that you loved me," he told her. He lifted her out of the water easily.
Wait, that wasn't right! She was taller then this! What was happening?
"But little girls shouldn't play in the fountain of youth and forgetfulness," he said carrying her to the edge.
By the time he'd set her on the grassy knoll, she'd reverted back to eight years old and had forgotten everything.
"I'm tired Sesshomaru-sama!" she said with a big yawn.
"You've had a busy day," Sesshomaru said. "Now you rest, Rin; Daddy's got to wash the awful Jaken germs out of his brain so he can stop crying at night!"
A/N (Super Ceech) That's number one of the Sess and Rin Chronicles, folks! Tune in next time (hopefully soon) for the next version!