Chapter 6

"So the doctors still don't know what happened?" Olivia turned her head to look at Elliot. It must have been the seventh time in two days he asked her that. Quite frankly, she was glad that the doctors didn't know why her heart had tried to give out. She was happy to accept that her body had gone into to shock from such a forceful blow. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong, so they released her after a couple of days. They warned her that even after her ribs healed, she'd still have to take it easy, for she might have a heart condition. She had only nodded her head and glared at Elliot when he mumbled that 'take it easy' wasn't high on her priority list.

Sighing, she chose to ignore Elliot. She knew he meant well and was genuinely concerned, but the painkillers she was doped up on were making her cranky. He figured she didn't hear him and repeated the question. She bit her tongue and balled up her fist. She tried counted to ten, but was wishing that he would hurry up and get her home. She couldn't be bothered at the moment and knew she was getting ready to say something she'd regret.

"Are you going to see the kids tonight?" She figured if she changed the subject, he'd back off.

"Maybe...yeah...yeah, that's a good idea! I think I will. I haven't seen them in a while. That's a good idea..." Olivia tuned him out. She was happy that her plan had gone better than excepted. He was now gloating over his children and all she had to do was occasionally nod her head.

FLASHBACK

She'd never admit it to him, but she had been really scared. She had felt herself letting go and it was almost surreal. She really went over the edge when she opened her eyes and saw her mother. It was as if she had stepped out of her body and was hovering several inches above it. She looked down and saw blood, frantic paramedics, and an enraged Elliot. She looked up and saw the image of her mother, slightly blurred and surrounded by a dull haze. Olivia cried: her mother looked so beautiful and more sober than she could remember. Her mother smiled at her and held out her hand. Olivia turned around and saw she was in a hospital. The doctors were pushing her body into a room. They were far bolder than the paramedics, and fearlessly pushed aside her partner. They began shouting amongst themselves in nonsensical medical terms as Elliot slid down the wall, sobbing. She turned back around to see her mother still standing there. This time, she was slightly transparent, but she still stood there, wearing a sad smile and holding out her arms. Olivia felt herself floating into her warm embrace.

"Mom?..." She was cut off as her mother shook her head. She only hugged tighter and motioned for her to close her eyes. Olivia did so, and felt a warm breeze tickle her skin. She opened her eyes to find she was in a field with grass that strecthed for miles. Turning in a circle, she saw that was complelety alone, except her mother. There was no sound, only the overpowerig scent of grass. She saw her mother had sank down into the grass and was waiting for her to follow suit. Olivia noted that the grass was pretty high and she had no idea what might be crawling around in it. Her patience spent, her mother pulled her down. Olivia was surprised: when she had been standing, the grass was only six inches in height, but now, the grass came up to her shoulders.

"Olivia," her mother said, cutting off her thoughts. Olivia turned her head to look at her. She opened her mouth to speak.

"Don't speak. Let me talk." Olivia nodded. "I know I wasn't you wanted me to be. I wasn't what I should have been. But, that night I...you...the night I was raped, I felt that everything my parents ever told, gave, and set before me was worthless. I threw it all away. I let this take over my life. By the time I realized this, it was too late to try and get my life back. So I continued to let it consume me. I was young and carrying the child of a man who had so violently violated me. There were numerous times that I wanted to walk away. So many times I walked into that clinic, and every time, I got scared and walked back out.

"Then you were born. And until you were three, it was fine. I couldn't have been happier. I had a child. I had hope, even if that hope was molded out of the hurt and frustration and fear I endured. I had hope, and was holding onto it for all I was worth. But, as you got older, you started to look more and more like him...I couldn't stand it. I started at aglassof wine and it evolved into an addiction. I never drank to forget what happened to me. I never would, cause if it didn't happen, I wouldn't have had you. I drank because I wanted to ignore the fact you were part of it. I wanted someone to fall back on. I wanted to say 'well, it happened...it's behind me and if all I have is my daughter, then that's enough' But I couldn't, because you were him. No, I'll rephrase that... you were part of it. So no matter where I went, it stayed with me..."

"So why didn't you walk away? Just leave like you always threatened to?"

"Olivia, dear, please don't interupt. I couldn't walk away. If I had, I'd feel guilty about walking away. Then I'd have gone crazy, cause I'd have felt guilty for walking away from my rape..."

"But you wouldn't have walked away from your rape..."

"I know, but that's how I felt..."

"Besides, you said..."

"I know what I said. I said I'd never forget what happened to me. I said I drank because the best thing to happen to me happened because of the most heinous crime against mankind. I regretted that, even though I could easily walk away, you couldn't..."

"But..."

"You can't walk away from who you are. You can pretend all you want. You can try with all your might. But, when it all boils down, you're still you, like kid playing dress-up with all the lies you try to tell yourself. All you can do is accept it, cause you certainly can't change it." Olivia sat dumbfounded. Never had her mother talked to her with such openness. Never had she spoken with such compassion. They both wiped their eyes and giggled.

"Well, love, it's time you got back," her mother said, and clapped her hands. Olivia looked up and saw a door. Curious, she stood up and walked over to the door. As she put her hand on the doorknob, she heard her name being called. Slowly, she turned.

"Olivia, don't forget this talk we had. You're gonna wanna push him away." She blew her a kiss. Smiling, Olivia reached out and she could almost swear that she felt something land in her out-stretched palm. Chuckling, she pressed her palm into her cheek. She blinked and her mother vanished. She turned back to the door. Slowly, she pulled open the door. She could see through the door, there were doctors still hovering nervously over her body and Elliot was now struggling to maintain his manly physique, but was miserably failing as the tears ran down his face. She took a deep breath and stepped forward. The last thing she remembered was a blinding light and the feeling of hundreds of volts of electricity coursing through her body...

FLASHBACK ENDS

Elliot had caught that Olivia was trying to change the subject. He did realize he had asked if she was alright often, but she always said fine, but never looked so. He also realized that she hadn't been listening to him for the past twenty minutes. He'd stopped talking and drove along in silence. She seemed distant, but he couldn't figure out why. She had only taken a blow to the ribs. It wasn't as if it had never happened before.

"Liv?" he asked, using his favorite nickname for her.

"Hmmm?" She slowly turned her head. She knew Elliot only thought she had been hit in the ribs. He didn't know how hard she had fallen. She figured that her head must have gotten scrambled during the fall. That was also probably the reason behind the blinding headache she was suffering through.

"You're home." She turned her head back to the window: it seemed they were at her apartment.

"Thanks, El..." she sighed and offered him a sad and pained smile. He tried to reciprocate, but he could feel his eyes start to well up.

"I can walk you up, if you like..."

"NO!" Elliot looked as if he had been slapped. "I mean...I think I'll manage. Thank you."

"I don't know, Olivia. I'll walk you up." Olivia gritted her teeth because she had no more energy to argue. She really didn't want or need his help. She balled up her fists as he slid his arm around her waist. She tried to shake him off, but he didn't get the hint. Sighing, she forced herself to make due putting as much distance as possibly between them. This failed to work, however, for he seemed magentized to her and would be right on her if she moved more than two inches away. She was frustrated now and didn't know how much longer she could hold her tongue. She prayed that he would say anything, or else she might lose it.

"So...the doctors still don't know what happened?" And with that, Olivia snapped.

TBC

A/N: Okay, okay. I know I said I'd update on a more regular basis, but I just started working and between that and school, I don't have a whole lot of time to write. So, please, bear with me, and I really promise to have the next chapter up by next Wednesday.