A/N (Super Ceech) Err...this is Spacey's chapter, but she made no A/N...so I guess I'll take the opportunity to say...enjoy!
Sesshomaru, Lord of the Western lands, was lounging against a rock one fine sunny day. Rin was playfully ripping everything that even vaguely resembled a flower out of the ground within a 42.67 mile radius.
As she did every morning.
Jaken stood at Sesshomaru side, because even as gross as the toad/imp/gross green thing was he had his uses. For example, when the controller was no where to be found, Jaken could be thrown at the TV, saving Sesshomaru the trouble of having to kick the television.
"Jaken," Sesshomaru declared in a lazy, but commanding voice. "Let's face it, Rin's not getting any younger and she still hasn't managed to get her claws into a man yet! Why when I was her age, I'd gotten my claws into plenty of men. But that's a story for another day. I want to see Rin settled down, and with children."
"Master Sesshomaru, she's only eight!" Jaken objected.
"Exactly my point," Sesshomaru argued. "Why, she could enter the first stages of puberty at any time! Besides, I'd like to see her married before I die."
Jaken stared in alarm at the ivory beauty that was his love and lord.
"You're not sick, are you?" he gasped in horror.
"No, no," Sesshomaru replied. "I've got eons to go. I just want to see Rin married."
Jaken thought and then said with a sage nod. "Ah, Desperate Housewives has been moved to a different night hasn't it?"
Sesshomaru grumbled something that might have been an affirmative.
"Alright, my lord!" Jaken declared happily. "I shall go forth and find someone for Rin to marry!"
"Find several," Sesshomaru suggested. "You know how I kill people."
Jaken nodded and went forth to find some possible mates for Rin. Along his way, he found Shippou who was being beaten to a bloody pulp by Inuyasha for asking if the size of the Tetsusaiga was for mildly comedic purposes.
"There's a boy!" Jaken said, stopping to examine the motionless bloody mess. He noticed the bow. "Well, I think it's a boy!"
He then proceeded to check that Shippou was boy. WITHOUT nudity because Shippou is a child and that would be wrong, and we already addressed this issue that this author wants us all to love ourselves and our bodies and no one will ever be taken advantage of in any fic that I author or co-author. So... yeah, Jaken confirmed Shippou was a boy with his amazing imp/toad/garden gnome powers.
He picked up Shippou and shoved him into a burlap sack, swung him over his shoulder and continued on his way.
Jaken then stumbled across Kohaku, who was mincing about in his tight demon slayer outfit with blank eyes, doing Naraku's evil bidding of the day. This evil bidding involved serenading Kikyo with a singing telegram of I Can be Your Hero.
Kikyo's eyes were as glazed as Kohaku's, but that didn't have anything to do with evil spells or jewel shards. She just always looked vaguely stoned. She held a sickeningly cute teddy bear in one hand, skimpy underwear in the other and, and flowers in the other.
"Are you a boy?" Jaken asked Kohaku.
Kohaku couldn't remember.
Jaken used his amazing gender detecting but non-sexually-threatening abilities to confirm that despite the hair and the ensemble he was in fact a boy. Jaken pulled out the Staff of Two Heads and began to beat Kohaku about his head with it.
As Kohaku slumped into unconsciousness, Kikyo just watched with that too wide stare of someone wearing multiple morphine patches. Kohaku was then shoved into the burlap sack and Jaken continued on his way.
Jaken couldn't find any other young men in Feudal japan because they were all at summer camp, so he had to hop in the nearest well to five hundred years in the future. He found Souta tormenting a cat.
"Wow! You came through the well!" Souta exclaimed in excitement. "Like my sister! And Inuyasha! Do you know Inuyasha?"
Jaken drew himself up with a haughty sniff.
"I am Jaken, vassal to Lord Sesshomaru!"
"Inuyasha's brother?" Souta cried out happily. "That's awesome! Can you take me back to feudal Japan to meet real demons?"
"Do you want to marry Lord Sesshomaru's..." Jaken had to pause. Rin's exact role had never really been explained to him. Or to anyone else for that matter. Was she like a daughter? A penance for sins? A reminder? An experiment he was too lazy to run off? A pint-sized stalker?
Jaken decided it wasn't important. "Do you want to marry Lord Sesshomaru's Rin?"
"If I can meet demons, sure!" Souta exclaimed. He then laughed. "Hey! To meet demons and fight like Inuyasha, I'd marry Naraku!"
With a delighted squeal Naraku ran over.
"Really?" he asked, happily. "Oh you've made me the happiest girl in the whole wide wor... oh." His shoulders slumped. "You're underage."
Naraku heaved a huge sigh and shuffled off to his lonely dark corner of brooding and solitude.
"So you'll marry Rin?" Jaken asked, pretending that whole Naraku thing hadn't actually happened.
"Yeah okay!" Souta declared, striking a bold pose. "Every hero needs a woman!"
"Alright," Jaken nodded. "Just let me hit you on the head and put you in the sack and we can be on our way..."
"Hit me on the head?" Souta demanded. "Why?"
"To put you in the sack," Jaken explained, holding it out for inspection.
"But I want to come!" Souta objected. "That's not really necessary, is it?"
Jaken thought about it.
"Naw, I guess not," he agreed, his shoulders slumping. "You're right, we can walk."
He couldn't hide his disappointment.
"Oh fine!" Souta sighed. "You can knock me unconscious!"
"Really?" Jaken asked. "Man, you're a pal!"
He then hit Souta on the head and stuffed him in the sack with the other two. Jaken then returned back down the well, with three little boys safely in a burlap sack.
IF I were a dirty minded author, I would make a comment about 'sacks' in general. And IF I wasn't an author with strong moral convictions, there might be some awkward moment in the confinement of the burlap prison the boys were trapped in. IF I wasn't a responsible adult who never listened to nasty tales of gossip, and truly believed that acquittal makes you innocent, I would say something about Michael Jackson being jealous about the boys in the bag.
Luckily for us all however, I am flawless human being and will not stoop so low as to mention those three things. So we may proceed with the story without mishap.
"I found some!" Jaken called out to Sesshomaru, upending the boys at the lord's feet. Sesshomaru looked at the unconscious boys.
"Now what am I supposed to do with them?" he wondered. "Rin, pick the kitty, I mean fiancé that you want and we'll get rid of the others."
Rin came over and peered at the boys.
They didn't do anything due to the fac they were unconscious. Rin found herself a good solid stick of respectable length, and began poking them with it.
"They don't do any tricks?" she whined.
Sesshomaru shrugged.
"I dunno, maybe all the lively ones were already gone when Jaken showed up. Or maybe these were the ones too dumb to run when they saw him coming."
"Jaken, make them be interesting!" Rin commanded.
"Yes, Jaken," Sesshomaru agreed. "Make them stop being sucky!"
Jaken thought about it a moment, and then nodded to himself.
In a flurry of toad/imp/giant green turd powers, he constructed a cheesy looking set with lots of blinky lights and ka-razy colours. On one side was a stool where he placed a very puzzled looking Rin. On the other side were three other stools where he put the boys.
He then woke the boys up by poking them with sticks.
His poking stick was much nicer then Rin's because he had advanced poking mastery. They woke up promptly.
"It's the Dating Game!" Jaken told everyone excitedly. "Rin will ask each boy three questions, and from that outcome, she will decide which she will marry!"
He ran forward and shoved a collection of cards into Rin's hand.
"Ask them these!" he ordered her.
Jaken then scurried back to sit at Lord Sesshomaru's feet like the dog he wished he was.
"Okay," Rin looked at the cards, and then said. "Bachelor Number One, if I was an ice cream, how would you eat me?"
Shippou thought about that one for a minute.
"I'd have to eat you fast before Inuyasha got there and stole you from me, and then started hitting me. Then Kagome would tell him to 'sit' and he'd probably break you and get you all over his shirt and then he'd have a really hard time trying to wash you off his shirt."
Rin nodded.
"Bachelor Number Two, Same question!"
"I don't remember how I would eat ice cream," Kohaku replied in a distant voice. "But I suppose I would eat it as Lord Naraku does, with cookie dough, in the dark, cramming it into my face, crying and asking why no one loves me. Then I would go make myself throw up, wailing and screaming that no one likes a fat bishie, and then I would collapse in a corner, face smeared with ice cream and tears and I would cry myself to sleep."
Silence rang in the clearing.
"Bachelor Number Three," Rin said choosing another question. "Where would you take me on a first date?"
"I would take you to the den of the wolf demons!" Souta exclaimed in excitement. He leaned forward, practically trembling with anticipation. "And then I'd go right up to the leader of all the wolf demons, and I'd punch him right in the nose and say 'She's my woman bitch!' And then we'd get in a fight and it'd be really close and he'd almost kill me, but then I'd learn a new attack just in time and I'd totally pwn his ass and then I'd be all beaten up and then you would tend to my sexy, manly wounds!"
He had to stop here and take a breath.
"And it'd be awesome!" he finished exuberantly.
"Bachelor Number One," Rin said. "Back to you. I'm shy and public displays of affection embarrass me. How would you express your love for me?"
"I'd draw lots and lots of pictures of you," Shippou declared. "And I'd make the stink lines look extra stinky! And it'd write stuff like 'kootizies' and 'icky Girlz!'"
Rin giggled and ducked her head shyly.
"That sounds nice," she admitted.
"Bachelor Number Two, same question!" she said.
"I do not remember how I would express my love," Kohaku admitted. "But perhaps I would do as master Naraku does. I would lay awake night, plotting how best to kill you and turn you away from your lover and to fill your heart with a hate that burns eternally. And then when you were resurrected, I would try again and again to destroy you and everyone you once cared for, failing again and again. I would then rip open my own chest and tear out the still beating heart that once loved you and imprison it in a mind-reading lump of flesh. Then without human weakness to hinder me any longer, I would finally claim you and make you mine, by ripping your second life from you, and tearing your soul with my claws."
Crickets could be heard chirping. Shippou cast Kohaku a nervous look and then scooted his chair away from him.
"Bachelor Number Three," Rin said slowly. "Same question!"
"Well, if I really liked you, I'd be emotionally distant, and totally wrapped up in this other chick, but then I'd totally save you all time and kiss you and stuff, but I'd never actually admit to myself that I love you and I'd keep it a major secret and I'd get all possessive and jealous and be a total dick about everything!"
Rin nodded.
"Playing hard to get does keep a girl interested," she agreed.
"Bachelor Number One. What's the sexist part of a woman?"
"Her crayons!" Shippou exclaimed immediately.
"Bachelor Number Two," Rin said. "Same question!"
"I do not remember," Kohaku began. "But Lord Naraku..."
"WAIT!" Rin shouted desperately. She leafed through the cards desperately until she found one. "Ugh, what would you like to be reincarnated as."
"I don't remember," he admitted again. "But Naraku wants to be reincarnated as Kikyo's underwear."
"Eeew!" Shippou squealed. "That's gross! Girl's have gross underwear!"
Rin giggled bashfully into her hands.
"Lord Sesshomaru! They said underwear!" she laughed.
"Yes I heard, Rin," Sesshomaru nodded.
"Bachelor Number Three," Rin said looking at the cards again. "If you could be any man, and I could be any woman, who would we be and what would we do?"
"I'd be Inuyasha!" Souta crowed. "And I'd fight demons and kick their asses! Just like those gay Sesshomaru and Naraku guys! And I'd single handedly fix everything that's wrong in the world and invent indoor plumbing because I'd be just that good! And I'd kick the crap out of that Shippou kid! And hit Miroku for being a pervert!"
He thought a second.
"I guess you'd by my sister or something," he admitted in a disgusted voice. "And all you'd do is wear short skirts, and tell me to 'sit' and whine whenever Kikyo shows up."
Rin nodded.
"Have you decided Rin?" Sesshomaru asked her.
"Well, Sesshomaru, they're all so nice sounding!" she protested. "And I really don't know how to choose. They all seem like such... kind boys. But I think I like Shippou the best!"
"Really?" Shippou perked up in excitement. "Me? You like me the best?"
He jumped off his stool and ran across the divider to greet Rin. He was already pulling out a present for her. A bouquet of semi-used, only partially broken crayons.
"If you're my best girl you should have these!" he told her.
Rin giggled, and scuffed her toy into the dirt, ducking her head bashfully.
"Oh, Jaken," Sesshomaru sighed in tender voice. "Rin's found love!"
Jaken looked up at Sesshomaru in amazement.
"M'lord, what did you say?"
"I said die!" Sesshomaru retorted, stabbing Jaken through the head. "Damn healing sword!" he growled, sheathing it and sulking a bit.
"You wanna hold hands?" Rin asked Shippou, offering her hand.
Shippou blushed bright red and looked around.
"Right now?" he choked. "With everyone watching?"
Kohaku and Souta had not moved from their stools, for they were busy contemplating their tactics. Souta would jump up in a minute shout 'she's not your woman!' and then attack Shippou blindly, just like his role model. Kohaku on the other hand would wait until night fall, stalking and watching Rin as he came up with an elaborate scheme to turn her against Shippou. Twisting her goodness into an evil force within her so that when she finally succumb to a mortal wound, her twisted soul would take her right to hell.
And then they could be together forever!
Before anyone got a chance however, a fourth child, stomped onto the scene.
"Listen bitch!" Souten snarled, shoving Rin away from Shippou. "He's my man!"
"Then what's he doing with me?" Rin demanded, shoving Souten right back. "Guess you ain't keeping your man happy!"
"What, bitch?" Soten shrieked. She open hand smacked Rin in the face.
"Hey, now!" Jaken called out. "Violence is not the answer young lady!"
"Y'all don't know me! Y'all don't know me!" Souten shouted. "Y'all just jealous! Cause I got me a foine Thunder Brotha Sista booty!"
"Bitch!" Rin screamed, tackling Souten. The two began rolling around on the floor.
"Guys! Don't fight!" Shippou fretted, dancing uneasily back from foot to foot.
"Rin's my woman!" Souta shouted, flying at Shippou, wielding his stool. He cracked Shippou over the head with it. "She's mine!"
"Jerk!" Shippou snapped, flinging a top at him.
"Fools!" Kohaku shouted. "I shall destroy you both and take your shiny things! Kukukuku!"
He then launched himself into the fray.
And so, Souten wailed on Rin, and Rin in turn wailed on Souten. Shippou pimp-smacked Souta, and Souta pimp-smacked him right back, and Kohaku busted a cap up each of their asses. Jaken futilely tried to pull them apart, but so great was their blood lust that all he could do was get wailed on, pimp-smacked and have multiple caps busted up his ass.
Sesshomaru watched the carnage and sighed.
"Why do we always hurt the ones we care about?" Sesshomaru asked no one in particular. "Maybe it's because love is such a frightening, and powerful emotion, and hurting each other is the only way to feel like we have some control. Or maybe it's our own innate sense of unworthiness, and we hurt those who love us to prove that we aren't really worthy of love. Giving us the sick satisfaction of being right. Either way, love hurts."
A/N (Super Ceech) Now the countdown begins...five more chapters until the end, folks!