A/N (Spacewolf) Look, it's not horribly late! I'm getting better and better and better! –grin!–
It was his day off.
All week, he slaved and slaved and slaved, working his ass off, but some Saturday, it was HIS time. And he knew just how to start the weekend off.
First he look a long shower, letting the water just wash away his every care, his every problem. Goodbye cares, goodbye problem – he imagined them all swirling down the drain with the soap suds.
And pee.
He always peed in the shower. It was part of his ritual. He liked to tell himself he was metaphorically pissing on everyone who pissed him off during the week, but really... he just liked to pee in the shower.
But enough of that!
As the time to end his shower drew nigh, it was time for the most important part: the shaving of the chest. Just to prove he was macho!
He was always very careful during this part.
After all, one nipple is hard to explain to a girlfriend.
Finally, once his chest was nice and hairless, his body was nice and slick with water, and his bladder was nice and empty, it was time to depart from the shower.
He turned off the water and threw back the curtain, walking brazenly out of his bathroom.
Screw towels, towels were for those poor saps who had something to hide. Not him! Not anymore.
He had TAG body spray.
That's right, ladies.
It's JAKEN's time to shine!
Unabashedly naked he stood, in all his... ugh... glory (for lack of a better word) and held his arms away from his body, throwing his head back proudly. While poised like that, he patiently waited to drip dry.
A towel would have been faster, but real men – the kinda men Jaken was, or was going to be – they didn't bother with towels.
It took about four hours for Jaken to drip dry all the way, but it was so worth it! He grabbed his new bottle of TAG body spray and regarded it with a half smile on his beak.
"'Show them the way?'" he asked himself. He then tossed his head back again, and began a thorough coating of himself with the body spray.
Again and again, over and over, he doused himself, EVERY inch of himself, since he wanted to make sure 'they' knew the way to everywhere!
A funny rattling sound stopped him. Frowning, Jaken shook the bottle close to his ear and frowned.
"Well, that sucks!" he exclaimed. "This must be a sample bottle!"
He threw it over his shoulder.
He could have put it in a garbage, but garbages were for suckers. Real men didn't worry about things like littering.
It was time to get dressed.
He put on his plain brown smock, his little hat AND some bling. Just cause he was pimpin' like that.
He'd polished the Staff of Two Heads within an inch of its life, and forcefully embedded some rock candy into the mouths of the heads so that they were pimpin' too.
"Tonight," he said, stroking its long shaft lovingly. "You'll be my pimp stick!"
Proudly, he walked-no-strolled-no! Swaggered! Proudly, he swaggered to the front door. Once there, he stopped in front of it, tugged professionally at the front of his smock and rolled his shoulders.
"Look out, ladies!" Jaken purred. "'Cause Jaken's coming!"
He took his first step out of the house, and air quality dropped fifteen points.
..:V:..
.:Hulking Huge Ass Castle Of Inconspicuousness:.
"Naraku!" Kagura burst into the dark little room where Naraku dwelt.
He looked up from his shadow puppets and glared.
"Yes, Kagura?" he demanded.
"There's another demon spewing miasma in the valley!" she cried out. "Did you knock some peasant girl up again?"
"NO!" Naraku shouted back. "And besides! I didn't knock her up! She knocked me up! And you know what? Kanna may be a mistake, but at least she's quiet!"
"I'm a mistake?" Kanna appeared, looking stricken.
"Huh?" Naraku turned to her. "Oh yeah," he nodded. "You're the product of a one night drunken stand with some chick. I don't remember her name."
Kanna's lips trembled and then she turned from him, fleeing and sobbing.
"Oh well," Naraku shrugged. "Better go check out this other demon."
He rose and on his way out, he turned to Kagura.
"Look, Kanna seemed kinda upset about finding out she was unwanted and all, so don't mention to her she was supposed to be a boy but then I accidently missed the umbilical cord."
From far off, Kanna let out a tormented sob of unwanted despair.
..:V:..
.:Random Village Which Always Relies on the Kindness of Strangers:.
Inuyasha's nose stung.
"Ugh! What is that?" he hissed, covering his nose. "I smell miasma!"
His friends looked up from their various tasks: Shippou from entertaining the joy deprived children of the village, Sango from teaching village boys and men how to defend their home, Kagome from tending the random wounded, and Miroku from the hands-on sex-ed class he was giving the girls of the village.
"I don't sense Naraku's demonic aura," Kagome frowned. Her frown deepened as she squinted at the horizon. "But you're right, Inuyasha," she agreed. "There IS something out there! Come on! Let's check it out!"
"Right!" chorused the others. They gathered their weapons together and took off in the direction of the disturbance.
Three people died because Kagome left before she could tend to them.
..:V:..
.: Unquestionable Sex God Jaken:.
"Where are the ladies?" Jaken asked himself. He peered around the thick woods, looking for a piece of ass... I mean cough maiden in distress. "I was certain there'd be women out here in the middle of nowhere!"
"You there!"
The booming voice made Jaken look up.
"What are you doing here?" Kikyo demanded him, pointing an arrow at him.
Jaken felt his knees tremble and he looked frantically for help. He was sure he couldn't take on a miko of her power.
"You smell strange!" Kikyo told him, sniffing the air delicately. Her eyes narrowed and she gripped her bow more powerfully. "I will dispatch you anyway. But first! You are Sesshomaru's minion, are you not?"
"Yes," Jaken called back in a trembling voice. "I am vassal to Lord Sesshomaru."
"Good," Kikyo replied. Sniff. "You will give him a message!"
"But how can I give him a message if you dispatch me?" Jaken cried out in alarm.
"Do not question..." Sniff. "Me! I am the miko Kikyo and..." Sniff. "I will have my revenge on..." Sniff. "Inuyasha and I want your master..." Sniff. Her grip on the bow faltered. "And I want..." her arms fell limply to her sides. Her bow and arrow fell to her feet, and she swayed unsteadily. "And I want you!"
Jaken jumped a bit.
Without hesitation, Kikyo marched toward him and grabbed him too tightly with her hands. She leaned in close, breathing in the scent of him.
"That I should be moved so when I am dead," she murmured. "Truly the ever fickle Fates toy with the string of my life as a child might with a ribbon on a day of celebration!"
"Huh?" Jaken asked.
He was startled as her soul eaters suddenly appeared, wrapped around him, holding him in place. Kikyo fell to her knees, holding the sides of his face, a look of aching loneliness and longing stealing across her face.
"As the sun ever chases the moon across the sky, so does my soul chase after yours," she whispered, her lips parting as she leaned closer. "And thus they, in their courses, mark our path and our doom for each day I lay down in the west, I ache for you as you rise in the east. Let not their eternal struggle be our own, and let us cast off the binding of our own puny lives and may we lay down in the west together, and may we rise together as well!"
"Ugh..." Jaken stammered, trying to struggle out of her tight grip. Her soul eaters held his arms behind his back so he couldn't fend her off. Her weight was getting harder and harder to support as she leaned more and more heavily upon him. "I have no idea what you just said," he admitted, trying to manoeuver the Staff of Two Heads... sorry, his Pimp Stick so he could pry off her soul eaters.
"Take me now!" Kikyo suddenly screamed, shoving him forcefully to the ground. Jaken had one second to stare up at her glazed, but adoring expression, before she swooped down to kiss him.
"Kikyo?" Inuyasha's incredulity rang in the air. "Kikyo, what are you doing?"
Kikyo looked up at Inuyasha and his friends with unseeing eyes.
"Inuyasha," she said. "Leave us!"
She turned back to Jaken.
"Kikyo...is that Jaken?" Inuyasha demanded. He shook his head in horror. "You better be about to kill him!"
"If my love could kill you, would you accept it anyways?" Kikyo asked Jaken breathlessly.
"Ugh..." Jaken grunted, trying to worm away. "Not really, no..."
"Sango... Sango, what are you doing?" Miroku asked in alarm.
Shakily, halting step after halting step, Sango was slowly approaching Jaken.
"I don't know!" she replied in alarm. "I can't seem to control myself! He just smells so goo—rawrrrr!"
Without warning, she pounced on Jaken, knocking Kikyo aside. She grabbed Jaken and hauled him to his feet.
"Kiss me!" she commanded before grabbing him and pulling him in for a hard kiss.
"Sango, no!" Kagome ran forward and grabbed her friend, throwing her away from Jaken. "Don't kiss him!"
Sango looked up at her with a startled look on her face.
"He's mine, bitch!" Kagome screeched, kicking her best friend in the side and grabbing Jaken protectively. "You're mine aren't you, Jaken?" she asked him, holding him against her chest.
Jaken said something.
But it was muffled by her breasts.
Researchers have concluded Jaken was probably saying something along the lines of "BOOBIES!"
"He's mine!" Sango bitch-slapped Kagome.
"You're both blind wanders on the moors of ignorance!" Kikyo argued, rising to her feet. "He's mine! I saw him first!"
"Dance of the Dragon!"
Sango, Kagome and Kikyo were all blown across the clearing, and Kagura's feather gently descended into the clearing. Kagura leapt from it and landed with a furious expression on her face.
"You three!" she screeched, holding up her fan. "Stay away from my man!"
She then turned to Jaken and walked towards him, a sexy sway to her hips.
"Do exactly as I say if you want to live," she commanded him, grabbing the neck of her kimono and beginning to pull it open.
Jaken's eyes bugged out.
"Kagura!" Naraku exclaimed, leaping down from the feather. "Hey! Let's keep it G rated!"
He grabbed his daughter slash minion and pulled her back.
"This is not Girls Gone Wild!" he admonished her, dragging her away from Jaken. "Fix your kimono!"
Kagure tore out of his grip and ran, falling at Jaken's feet.
"You want me more than them, don't you?" she pleaded to him while pressing her almost exposed chest against him.
Jaken looked down at her nervously.
"No!" Kikyo rose to her feet. "The aching wounds of defeat that gape in his chest are for me and me alone to fill as the spider of the soul spins a web of love!"
She staggered towards Jaken, and collapsed, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I am for you as the rain is for the ocean," she whispered, laying her head against his arm.
"You're dead!" Sango snapped, climbing to her feet and dashing forward. She went down on one knee in front of Jaken and grabbed a hand, looking imploringly at him.
"Let me bear your children!" she gasped longingly as she took his hand and pressed it against her heart. "Let this be your home!"
Miroku was having the mildest of fits as he watched the woman he loved fawn over another man.
"That miasma of his IS distracting," Naraku murmured, rubbing his nose with a faint frown.
Inuyasha nodded.
"He's mine!" Kagome insisted, rising and running forward. She furled herself around Jaken's back, curling her arms around his waist and pressing against him.
"Mine!" she insisted, breathing in his ear.
"Kkkagome..." Inuyasha gasped. He sounded as if the word was choking him. "Kagome don't do...anything!" he gasped in horror.
"Oh, look at that," Sesshomaru said, conveniently striding into the clearing. "Jaken's made some friends!"
Just as conveniently, he strolled right across the clearing and out the other side. A few seconds later, Rin, skipping along with a fist full of flowers, entered the clearing.
"Master Jaken, who are your new friends?" Rin asked him, cocking her head to one side.
"Ugh, Rin..." Jaken stammered. "Well they're... ugh... they're..."
Rin blinked twice rapidly and took a step closer.
"Hi, Kagome!" she called out, waving with her fist full of flowers. "What are you doing?"
"Marking my territory!" Kagome replied in a sensual purr, nicking Jaken's neck with her teeth.
Inuyasha cried out in horror, as if a complete stranger had just violated him.
"Oh," Rin replied, rearing back in shock. "Are you all marking your territory? Like a dog? Like Lord Sesshomaru?"
In response, all she got was four self-satisfied female purrs, and one yelp from Jaken.
Rin sniffed at her flowers.
"I smell something... funny," she murmured.
"We all do," Naraku told her, rubbing his nose again. "It's him. His miasma or...or something."
"It's TAG body spray," Jaken gulped nervously. "It's...it's supposed to 'show them the way...'"
"The way where, Master Jaken?" Rin asked innocently.
Her flowers tumbled from her fingers.
"You smell pretty, Master Jaken..." she continued. "Pretty like flowers. Like a whole field of flowers..."
Her small face had gone unfocused and each step carried her closer and closer to him... She reached out for him, moving closer and closer and closer and...
A strong arm caught Rin around the waist and hauled her back from Jaken.
Sesshomaru adjusted his grip so that he carried Rin under his arm.
"Come along, Rin!" he said calmly. "No more Lolita-like antics for you this fic!"
He looked at Inuyasha.
"Brother," he nodded politely. "Naraku," he said, nodding to his fellow bishie. And then, carrying Rin under his arm, he briskly strode out of the clearing.
"Sesshomaru's got the right idea," Miroku muttered darkly. He rolled up his sleeves with a dark look on his face.
"Heh," Inuyasha grinned, ducking his head in agreement. He flexed his claws.
Miroku and Inuyasha tackled Jaken and his newly found friends. A savage battle ensued. With much hair pulling, name calling and scratching, Inuyasha and Miroku were finally able to drag Sango and Kagome away from Jaken.
Inuyasha had made a half-hearted attempt at getting Kikyo, but when her head had begun to rotate and she projectile vomited at him, he decided maybe they needed a little space. Besides, her soul eaters had intervened, coiling themselves around her and dragging her back.
Even they could sense that something was not right with this picture.
Slower than the other two, Naraku grabbed Kagura and pulled her back.
Spitting and hissing, and cursing like sailors, the girls struggled against their captors.
"He's mine!" Kikyo shrilled. "He is the blazing fire in the eternal hearth of my love!"
"SHUT UP!" Inuyasha suddenly exploded at her, frustrated by his almost futile attempts to hold Kagome back.
"You make no goddamned sense, woman!"
"Let me go! Let me go!" Kagome shrilled and Inuyasha had to brace himself and use all of his demon powers to try and hold her back. He was blushing madly because he didn't want to accidently feel her up in the process of saving her.
Miroku was having no such qualm. He was actually kind of enjoying the whole thing. And Sango was so desperate to get to Jaken, she didn't notice her boyfriend's busy hands.
Nakura wasn't having quite the same problem the others were. He simply coiled a tentacle around Kagura's waist and held her high off the ground. She kicked and screamed and clawed at him, but he didn't seem to notice.
"I'll fight you all for him!" Sango screamed. "I'll fight you all!"
Jaken, for his part, pushed himself up and dusted himself off, looking very shaken and frightened.
"That's how we'll decide!" Kagura decided. "A fight to the death for Jaken!"
"Miroku," Inuyasha grunted. "I can't hold her much longer. Maybe we should let them duke it out. At least they'll knock each other unconscious!"
"Alas no, Inuyasha," Miroku lamented. "I cannot risk them hurting each other to win, and I can't bear to think what would happen if either Kagome or Sango won!"
"What if they draw straws then?" Inuyasha demanded, hissing in pain as Kagome stomped on his foot. In a lower voice he added, "We can cheat at that, right?"
"Yes," Miroku agreed. "But who do we leave that awful fate to?" he asked.
"Kagura," Inuyasha said promptly. "She's evil, so it doesn't count."
"Agreed," Miroku nodded. "We have a means to selecting who will get Jaken!" Miroku called out.
The struggles of the girls stopped immediately.
"We'll draw straws!" Miroku decided. "The short straw gets Jaken!"
"Short straw, huh?" Inuyasha demanded. "Seems appropriate somehow."
Miroku pulled some straw out of his pocket, which he had been saving for just such an occasion.
He held them all in his hand and offered them to the four girls.
"Four girls, four straws," he told them. "Short straw gets Jaken!"
He offered to Kikyo first.
"You know, boys," Naraku drawled. "We're going to need another straw!"
"What do you mean?" Miroku demanded with a frown.
"I mean," Naraku said, with a creepy, glazed looking smile. "Bishies do it better!"
As the implications of this settled in, Jaken screamed and ran away.
He bolted in pure, unadultered terror. As he ran through the moutains, a redheaded girl in pigtails pounced on him from nowhere.
"You're my mate now!" she laughed, throwing him to the ground.
"Ayame!" Kouga shouted in horror. "What are you doing?"
Jaken clawed himself back to his feet and ran in blind terror; he ran past a temple where twin priestess jumped him and managed to rip off his brown smock. In nothing but his boxers, his hat, and his shoes, clutching his Pimp Stick (the Staff of Two Heads) as if he would use it to beat a path, he ran for dear life. Or his virtue. Pick one.
To Yura of the hair, who'd been resurrected for an angst fic (she ran away from the angst fic when she smelled the TAG body spray), he lost his hat, several inches of skin, and great deal of innocence.
To Yuka, Ayumi and Eri, Kagome's friends from the future who'd stumbled down the well (Tag Body spray had shown them the way), he lost The Staff of Two Heads (his Pimp Stick) and the last remaining shreds of his self respect.
When Princess Tsuyu attacked him, he lost his shoes. But he DID gain a monkey who jumped onto his head from someone else's. It scratched its ass and then beat him with its tiny fists before hooting and leaping away.
When he ran by the village that had been attacked by the Spiderheads, he almost, ALMOST lost his boxers to Nazuna, but he managed to kick her off and cling to them, holding them up desperately.
Finally, he ran found a safe place.
A quiet, dark little hut in a quiet little village by the Bone Eater's well.
"Finally," he panted. "Finally... I'll be safe in here!"
"Oh, aye," Kaede agreed in a sensuous purr. "Ye shall be quite safe here!"
Jaken's terrified screams pierced the night. But no one came to help.
No one came to help.
..:V:..
Albert, who worked the checkout counter at Pharma Plus, looked up when his scanner started beeping a him unexpectedly.
"Ugh, just gimme a second," he said to his customer. "I need to price check this..."
"Listen you!" Miroku shrilled, reaching across the counter and grabbing Albert by the collar. He violently hauled Albert forward. Miroku had a crazy look on his face. "Just gimme the damn TAG and no one gets hurt!"
A/N (Super Ceech) Two chapters to go. . .