A/N: big thank you to oc7ober for pushing me to finish this chapter. I had a bad bout of COVId then serious writers block (hard to write when they left us with such a shitty ending that has no inspirational value :(. Thanks also to mavis275 for always encouraging me to keep writing.
Liza was excited for tonight's therapy session. While the thought of discussing Josh was not exciting, the fact that she felt their sessions were soon coming to an end was. Not that she hadn't enjoyed herself or learned a lot about herself and Charles in the process because she had. No, the idea of sessions ending meant that their forever was just beginning and that was thrilling.
She also had a surprise for Charles. She never told him about that night at The Carlyle, never told him that she'd shown and if he hadn't been for Bob and Julia showing up she would've joined him at the bar. So she was taking him there after their session. She thought apropos since tonight they would be discussing Josh. She needed Charles to know that he'd always been her first choice not Josh.
Charles had a business meeting downtown and was in a cab on his way to therapy when his phone buzzed. It was a text from Pauline letting him know that she'd take the girls to school the following morning so there was no rush for him to get them. Liza had not told him what they were doing for their date, but was sure it would be something he'd love.
Twenty minutes later they walked into Dr. Smithson's office, excited by the progress they'd made thus far.
"Liza, Charles, a pleasure to see you both as usual. For today's session I thought it prudent to talk about Josh. How does that sound?"
"I think it's important. We can't fully move forward without this discussion," Liza said. She wasn't keen on the conversation but was eager to finally put all their demons to rest and this was a big one.
Charles nodded his agreement choosing to let Liza start talking first. He'd ask questions if he felt it necessary to process any lingering doubts he held.
"Ok Liza, why don't you start," Dr. Smithson said, giving Liza the floor.
"Well I've mentioned before that I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met Josh. My life was a mess. I was dealing with the sale of my house, my divorce, my move to Brooklyn and I was looking for a job. Someone had to pay the remainder of Caitlin's tuition and it certainly wasn't going to be my ex. Well Maggie knew how stressed I was and decided it would be good for me to get out of the loft and blow off steam. She took me down to a local bar and that's where I met Josh. I was trying to get the bartender's attention, unsuccessfully, and he came to my rescue. He was cute and young and surely I thought he was just being polite. But the more we talked it was obvious that he thought I was his age. That's when Maggie suggested I pretend to be a millennial. She encouraged me to spend time with Josh. Thought a cute 20 something guy would do wonders for my ego. I wasn't looking for a relationship but couldn't deny that I was feeling so terrible about myself that his attention was nice and I thought it couldn't hurt to have a little fun. The problem is overtime real feelings started to develop on both of our parts and I knew that I couldn't keep lying to him about my age. So I told him. He initially took it about as well as you did." Charles cringed at her words. One of his biggest regrets was how he handled her lie coming out. He wasn't proud of how he acted.
"He eventually got over the betrayal and overtime we started to rebuild what we had before but it was never the same. It wasn't so much the difference in our ages but rather the difference in our life experiences that became a problem. There were so many things like having children that he had yet to experience that I didn't want to repeat," she took a moment to compose her thoughts before continuing.
"You have to understand I was trapped in a bad marriage for a long time. Over the years I was conditioned to believe I was pretty much worthless especially in comparison to my husband and then this young handsome guy comes along and sweeps me off my feet. I was attracted to you from the first time I saw you but he was there picking up the shattered pieces that David left behind and it was very hard for me to realize that there was a time when it was no longer love on my part but a sense of obligation. That somehow I owed him for what he'd done for me. The problem is that I started to develop real feelings for you. Even though you didn't know we had so much in common and I could see much of my recent struggles reflected in your own. When I babysat the girls I could see how wonderful you truly were because of how wonderful they are. When we shared a drink afterwards I was amazed at how easy it was to talk to you. One thing I never had with Josh was that intellectual connection. I never had to explain to you my passion for literature or why publishing was more than just a job for me. I also saw how much you sacrificed for your children. I could relate to that even if you didn't know I was a mom. Josh was always kind toward Caitlin even offered to help me with her tuition but he never truly understood the sacrifices I was making for her."
Liza stared at her hands resting in lap, needing a moment before she continued. Charles gestured to Dr. Smithson that he wanted to speak. She nodded and leaned over to take Liza's hand in his own.
"Liza, I can understand what it's like to come out of a bad marriage. I guess for me I didn't have a transition relationship the way you did with Josh. For me it was you and never a thought about anyone else. When we were in the Hamptons I assumed that things were over between you two. That was the impression I got. Imagine my surprise when I saw he had left a message on your bed asking you to marry him. For me the issue is not Josh. It's who he represents, the person you just can't let go of. I would never ask you to cut him out of your life but I couldn't live with the uncertainty and the doubt. I was going to say something here tonight. I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to say but I knew that you needed to have a conversation with Josh. Make him realize once and for all that you may love him but you weren't in love with him and never would be again. Well I was hoping you'd speak to him but you already did. Actually I'm relieved. I don't know why but maybe it makes me feel better knowing you took the initiative yourself."
Liza looked at him with confusion in her eyes. While it was true that she had indeed spoken with Josh she wasn't sure how Charles knew about the conversation.
"That night a few weeks ago when we went to Bob and Julia's for dinner and I picked you up at the loft. I was able to find a parking space so I decided to come up instead of just calling you from the car. I saw Maggie in the hallway struggling to carry down a rather large painting she was bringing to a client so I offered to help her carry it down. I guess she was so distracted by the painting she forgot to mention that Josh was there. When I came back up the door to the loft was open and you were talking with him inside. I didn't mean to pry but I couldn't help myself."
Liza thought back to that night. She remembered that conversation vividly. Josh had come over to help Maggie when he'd seen Liza and his face lit up. She was on the couch reading a book and originally didn't see him until he sat down next to her. He told her he was almost done helping Maggie and then he was free if she wanted to get dinner. Liza had sighed heavily as she put down her book, seeing now was as good a time as any for the conversation she'd been dreading.
"Josh we need to talk," she said as she rubbed her hands over her face. This was not a conversation she was looking forward to.
"Ok sure. If you want, you can pick where we have dinner," he said with a smile.
"No, we're not having dinner. I actually have plans and even if I didn't, oh well…. Josh, the problem is I don't feel that you respect me in the way I need to be respected," now she was looking at him and could see the confusion on his face.
"What do you mean Liza? I've always respected you. I'd never take advantage of you."
"Josh there's more than one way to take advantage of a woman. It doesn't always have to be sexual."
Josh looked at her searching for an explanation.
"Josh, I know you love me and are in love with me and there was a time when those feelings were reciprocated but now… well I want to apologize. Because while I feel you don't respect me anymore the truth is I didn't respect you back for a long time and I'm sorry."
Josh looked down at the floor as she spoke.
Liza put her hand over his drawing his attention back to her.
"Josh, what you did for me after my divorce, the love, patience and attention you gave me is not something I can ever repay you for. I will always be grateful. But for too long I felt obligated to love you as a way of thanking you but that is not right. That was disrespectful. I didn't respect that you felt my feelings were genuine and in manys they were not… You enabled me to grow as a person, as a woman. For the first time in a long time I was able to realize that for so long I put everyone else's needs before my own. I finally felt I had a right to decide how to live my life. I had a right to finally go after what I wanted and not be ashamed for putting myself first. The problem is as I grew as a person I also grew out of our relationship. I realized that I was no longer going to do things to please or placate others. If I didn't feel right to me in here," she said pointing to her heart.
'"Then I wasn't going to do it… You had so many hopes and dreams for your future."
"Our future," he interjected.
"See that's my point. You made dreams and plans without consulting me. You wanted kids and I didn't but you didn't listen. You kept telling me everything would work out because you loved me. But I've been down that road before. Putting my dreams on hold to pursue the dreams of my partner all the while being told it will be fine because I was loved. I tried telling you so many times that it wasn't our age that became an issue but our differing life experiences. You wanted to and still need to experience so many things that I already have and feel no need to do again. Respecting you means I let you go so you can experience those things. Respecting me means you understand when I say I don't want to do something. When I say I'm done, I'm done. Everytime things don't work out with another woman you come running back to me. Telling me how I'm the one I've always been the one and you saddle me with more of your dreams I'm supposed to help make come true. That's a responsibility I don't want. When was the last time you took the time to see what I wanted? To see what my dreams were?"
Josh hung his head shamefully before he shook his head and pleaded with her.
"But Liza, I love you. I've always loved you."
"No Josh. You love the person I used to be. The person that did and said what you wanted. The person that felt so guilty everytime she hurt you that she ran back her tail between her legs begging for forgiveness. You love the woman who put her dreams on hold to placate your feelings and I am not that woman anymore. I've changed, I've grown and I've moved on."
"It's always about him isn't it," Josh said spitefully.
"See Josh, that's what you don't get. It's not about him at all. Even if Charles was never in the picture I would still have moved on. I don't need to be with someone else to move on. I moved on, so I could put myself first. When Charles and I first broke up it was because I put myself first. I didn't want to get married and I wasn't going to just because it would make him feel better and less insecure about himself and our relationship. If I had told him yes I would have not only disrespected him but myself as well and I am no longer willing to do that. Josh I want you in my life as a friend… but I can't have you in my life if you won't respect me and my wishes. If you won't respect the relationship I have with Charles. I see my future with him but even if it doesn't work out you and I will always be just friends. I need you to respect that."
Josh shook his head telling Liza he needed some space. She told him she understood if he couldn't be her friend but that he needed to respect the fact that she'd moved on. That he wasn't doing anyone any favors if he kept pursuing her.
"I went back down to the car after that. I felt guilty that I had eavesdropped but in a way I needed to hear you tell him it was over. Not because of me, but like you said because you had changed. Because you had moved on. Liza I needed to know that if things between us ever weren't good again that he wasn't going to be waiting in the wings to swoop in to rescue you. I needed to know that there was only ever going to be two of us in this relationship, good times and bad times."
"Liza, how do you feel knowing Charles heard your conversation?" Dr. Smithson asked.
"Actually? Relieved. I had that conversation for us, yes, but most importantly for me. I'm glad he was able to see that and recognize its importance. I'm also glad that he was able to see that I'm sincere when I say it's truly over between Josh and I and that no matter what happens between Charles and I that will never change."
Dr. Smithson ends their session by suggesting they spend their next session talking about Pauline since the conversation about Josh went over so well and seemed to assuage a lot of the lingering doubts the couple still had. They both agree that's a good idea and leave her office with polite goodbyes. When they reach the elevator it is Charles who first breaks the silence.
"So…. you've been rather tight lipped about tonight's date. Am I still to be left in the dark?"
"Completely," she said with a wink as the elevator descended. Liza had already ordered them an Uber and so Charles really had no clue where they were going. The short ride was passed in companionable silence and when they arrived it took a moment for Charles to fully realize where they were.
"The Carlyle?" he asked.
"I haven't been able to bring myself here since that night," he said with a crestfallen expression on his face.
"How about we head to the bar and I can explain my reason for bringing you here," she said with a sighly skittish smile. Maybe this idea of hers wasn't as good as she thought it would be. But no, she knew it was a good idea. He needed to know. It was time.
They made their way to the bar before taking seats at a small table next to it. After ordering drinks she reached out and placed a tentative hand over his.
"It seems like a lifetime ago you asked me to meet you here. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was so nervous. I agonized over what to wear. I knew that I was ready to tell you everything. You needed to know the truth but more importantly then you needed to know that I chose you, and I would again, always."
"But you never came," he said wistfully as he recalled that heartbreaking night.
"I did come. I was just walking in and paused for a moment to take in your handsome features as you sat at the bar. Just as I went to join you Bob and Julia walked over. You obviously had not expected to see them there. I froze. I wanted you to know everything but I wanted to be the one to tell you. I didn't want you to find out like that. They knew me as Liza Miller divorced mom to their daughter's best friend. They didn't know me as a millennial assistant in your company. After that the moment was gone. I didn't know how to tell you everything after that, especially when you thought I hadn't chosen you."
Liza waited with bated breath as Charles stared but didn't answer. She was starting to doubt herself again and this choice for a date when he smiled.
"Then I guess it's only right that we start at the beginning. I'm Charles Brooks," he said with a smile extending his hand.
Liza laughed before shaking his hand. Before she could withdraw her hand though he pulled it closer and kissed the back of it.
"I'm Liza Miller," she responded with a smile.
"So Ms. Miller, tell me, do you work here in the city? I work for a rather dull family owned publishing house where nothing interesting ever happens," he said with a wink.
They spent the next several hours laughing, talking and enjoying themselves in a way they hadn't in a long time. It's as if a big cloud has been lifted and they could finally see the sunshine coming through. As the night winded down Charles got up to lay their tab when Liza stopped him.
"Don't worry it's covered," she said, sliding her hand over eyes.
He gave her an inquisitive look before she spoke again.
"I charged them to the room."
He raised an eyebrow and she held up a room key giving him a saucy smile.
Hand in hand they headed upstairs. When Charles opened their room he was surprised to hear soft music playing. Candles were lit across the rooms and rose petals were scattered across the floor.
"You know I really wanted to meet you that night. When I saw Bob and Julia I panicked. Afterward I figured I pretty much blew my shot with you. But I'll be honest. This, here now well this is better than that night because you know everything and I know that while this night will end our love never will," she said a flush creeping up her cheeks.
"I will love you in this lifetime and all the lifetimes that come after. My love for you will never end," Charles said, giving her a passionate kiss.
He pulled back giving her a smoldering look before moving his lips to the side of her neck.
Liza moaned as his lips left a trail of fire in their wake. He kissed across her collarbone then down the space between the two open buttons of her shirt while one hand deftly undid the rest of the buttons.
Liza felt like she was on fire. He hadn't done more than kiss her but she already felt her body melting. He always had this effect on her.
By the time his lips and tongue reached her navel she'd lost all coherent thought. Her legs were like Jello and she was sure she'd have collapsed if not for his strong arms holding her up.
He kissed the top button of her jeans (his favorite pair) and she groaned in anticipation. He slowly undid them, pulling them down her legs in an achingly slow manner. The delicious torture was almost more than she could take.
"Charles please…" she pleaded in a strained voice.
He chuckled but relented, picking her up and gently depositing her on the bed. Her pants were soon in a puddle on the floor as were his. She wasn't sure then he'd lost nearly all of his clothing but she wasn't about to complain at the sight before her. After all, how many men his age actually looked that good?
She reached out to fondle him delighted at the strained hiss that escaped his lips. While she was normally all for a slow round of passionate love making tonight she was impatient. She tugged up her body, her lips meeting his in a fiery kiss. Emboldened by her reaction he entered her in a long quick thrust. Liza was already so close. He always had this effect on her. She came minutes later and seeing her face flush and feeling her body clench around his sent him over the edge.
When there breathing returned to a somewhat normal rhythm, Charles pulled her close covering them both with the blanket.
As sleep over took them, they both smiled contentedly knowing that forever truly began that evening.