Confessions: Maureen

"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Deville!"

"Its Cohen!"

"Well, duh! I only slept with you for four years! God, are you completely pop culturally challenged?"

"No!"

"Oh, yeah? Then what's the whole 'Mr. Deville' thing from?"

"Um… hang on, I know this. Its from…"

"Ha! That's what I thought."

"Oh, you just wipe that satisfied smirk off your face and say what I told you to say!"

"Ooh! So commanding! Its sort of a turn-on…."

"Maureen!"

"God, why couldn't you have been this way when we were together?"

"I'm going to stab you with this un-sharpened pencil if you don't shut up and…"

"Don't get your tighty-whiteys in a bunch! Okay! Maureen Johnson, your hot, sexy, perverted little sex kitten here! Me-OW! Its 11 a.m., an ungodly hour of the morning…"

"You forgot Eastern Standard Time!"

"Aw, screw it! I'll even volunteer!"

"I hate you."

"Whatever. Let's do this thingy."

"When did you go lesbian?"

"You're just jealous. Its your fault, you know. Well, it was when April had just died, I moved in, and Roger was doing the big… whole… withdrawal thing. You were playing mommy again. It was like you shut out the rest of the world and it was only him that mattered, and yadda yadda yadda. You wouldn't even talk to me, for God's sake. I hated it. I would try to talk to you, and I w anted to figure out what was wrong with you. If you want to know the truth, sometimes I think you're in love with Roger…. Ha! I knew it! Look at him blush! I was so right!"

"Maureen! This is not about me and my sexual tendencies."

"I love how he doesn't even bother denying it."

"This pencil is in my hand, ready to plunge into your neck if you don't---"

"Okay, okay! So, anyways, it was just smothering, the loneliness of it all. I had no one to talk to, nothing to do. Central Park became my medium, ant the Imagine memorial. John Lennon, you know? I was working on another protest, trying to find inspiration, and all of a sudden, wham! Some pretty, skinny blonde passed by and I wondered, 'What would it be like to do her?'

"It kind of scared me at first. Why was I thinking these things? But, like all other aspects of my life, I embraced it. It actually helped that I was still attracted to guys, and not only girls."

"I still refuse to believe that its my fault. You're just sexually adventurous."

"Hello? The term is bisexual. Embrace it. Feel it. Wink! Isn't this supposed to be an interview? Let's not keep up with terms."

"Whatever. Let's continue, shall we? How did you meet Joanne?"

"We're still in the withdrawal phase, right? I have at this point accepted the bisexuality. Its um… Thanksgiving? I don't know, maybe a little before. I was working on 'Over the Moon' at the time. I was in a creative slump, and I heard a clanging. It was my beloved! She had something, I still don't know what it is, and it was banging against her briefcase. And there it was! My inspiration! I felt that she should be thanked for contributing to what would become the defining achievement of my life. And the rest, as you say, is history!"

"Who was your first?"

"Roger."

"No way!"

"Yes indeed."

"Roger, did you really sleep with Maureen?"

"Hell no!"

"Ha! I got you! You are so gullible! My first man was in high school, my boyfriend Will. My first woman was some really bookish chick I met in a bookstore. Jessie was her name. She was hot."

"Ahem. Getting off that subject…."

"Maureen, you whore, I can't believe you would tell people I slept with you!"

"Pipe down, Roger. You always wanted to do me."

"I did not! You are so--- so---"

"So what?"

"Exasperating!"

"I can't believe you know what that means!"

"Come on, guys, you're ruining my film!"

"Screw your film, this means war!"

"Bring it on, pseudo-Hendrix!"

"Oh, my God! Again? What is your problem?"

"I don't have a problem! I'm totally carefree! What's yours?"

"I know what your problem is! You're just a cold-hearted, bitchy…."

"Sorry everyone who's watching this. Mark here. I'm going to attempt to talk over their flying insults. This concludes Maureen. Up next we'll hear from Roger. Thanks, and sorry again."

a/n: Sorry for the delay! I hope that you enjoyed this, and Roger's coming up soon. I swear! I don't know if I put the disclaimer before, so I'm doing it now. I don't own rent! Or emotion, for that matter. But that's another story...