C26: I thought about telling you how to get the Dalek to lay an egg, but that'll be the last chapter in the section entitled "TOTALLY MENTAL & SERIOUSLY FREAKY DEAKY CRAPPY STUFF!"

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part one: Then fun stuff (NEARLY OVER!)

Activity Four: (This one involves planting a thermo nuclear device in the Eiffel tower, and the disembowelling of Cliff Richard)

Where you get a thermo nuclear device from is beyond me, anywhoppy, it obviously doesn't involve that as I'm a lying (CENSORD WORD, SO UP YOURS YOU B------s!).

Well, this activity involves a copy of the 1960s doctor who episode Power of the Daleks, twelve lemons, the spirit of Joseph Stalin, a pitchfork, and a joke about herons (for the last time I do not care why he crossed the road!) and finally your dalek.

Right, I may have run out of ideas already, but I'll take a stab at it. Stick a pitchfork into your Dalek's head, it might yell a bit and start spinning round yelling some of the following things (SOUNDBITE ISN'T WORKING REMEMBER? YOU DIDN'T? YOU'RE THICK THEN!)

Dalek – My vision is bilzoavyed, I cannot see!

That may have only been one thing, but just put up with my laziness! Al right? LOOK! AGREE WITH ME ON EVERYTHING OR I'LL BLOODY HAVE YOU! Cough…erm…sorry.

Anyway, picture of Dalek with pitchfork in head not included (Unless you bought the collectors edition box set classic "How to get a Dalek to transform itself into a carrot" which this guide came free with unless you hadn't noticed! YOU DIDN'T?) God how thick are people?

Anyway, tell it a joke about herons, any joke will do, if you can think of one that isn't a complete rip off of the oldest joke in the world about Hitler and his testicles, though what that has to do with herons is beyond me, ignoring that, tell it to the Dalek and you might hear it laugh. This is freaky in itself; it sounds something like the bride of Chucky or Angelica from Rugrats, the most annoying Kids TV show in the universe. This has no point in the activity but it sounds as hippies say "Freaky deaky".

Right, so far you have accomplished nothing at all and have twelve lemons left. Well, I dunno, squeeze them into lemon juice and feed them into the Dalek and it will go nuts and start going round in tiny circles and out the door shouting "Alert! Alert! PAIN!"

If you're lucky it might bump into George Bush and Tony Blair chained to a fountain, naked, and doing very explicit things to each other (And I call this suitable for all? I have sexual references and I call this K rated? What does K stand for anyway? Kid?)

Anyway, now the activity has finished.

END RESULT: 10/10

YEAH! GEORGE BUSH AND TONY BLAIR ARE DEAD!

Overall result of the fun stuff: 5/10

HOW THE (CENSORED) IS THIS FUN? IT'S ALL COMPLETE BULL(censored)

And now I leave you with life in a Dalek ruled world. Here is what would happen at Tom Baker and Lalla Ward's wedding

Tom and Lalla are standing in front of a camera surrounded by Daleks, one standing behind a camera.

Dalek#1 – You will say cheese

Tom – Why should I?

Dalek#1 – You will say cheese or you will be exterminated

Dalek#2 – What does this cheese mean?

Dalek#1 – Cheesy is a description of a person

Dalek#2 - What? Like Ricky Gervais?

Dalek#1 – Affirmative

I will only be content with lots of reviews and David Blaine's head on a plate

Thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you