C26: okay, I upped the rating to K, and I have no clue what, now on to the next part…
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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek
Part two: The freaky deaky crap
Activity five: (This one proves that Daleks are closely related to the fat pie machine Jack Chirac even though I can't remember who the hell he is!)
Really, I can't. Anywhopaloo, this activity is at a glance pretty bizarre, even though I have no clue what I'm going to force you to do now, I don't plan this out, I make it up as I go along YOU THOUGHT I ACTUALLY PUT TIME AND EFFORT INTO THIS? WELL YOU'RE THE THICKEST PERSON HERE THEN AREN'T YOU? AREN'T YOU COLIN BAKER! Now scuttle back to your realm of unending torment and I'll explain what this activity involves.
To start with you'll need two porcupines (I don't care what the poofy environmentalists, who talk absolute CENSORED most of the time say, just do it or I'll tell my mumofyou as those annoying 4 year olds say) right, where were we? Oh yeah, a copy of the Concise French dictionary (IN COLOUR!), the movie Titanic, a big long stick used for poking stuff with and (INSERT WORD/S MEANING "and of course" HERE) your dalek.
Firstly cover your dalek in tin foil, I know I didn't mention it earlier but do you really think I wouldn't lie to you? Really? Wow, somebody likes me. When the Dalek is covered in foil, it will look something like a cross between Marvin the paranoid android and, erm… a Dalek covered in foil. If you want to order this picture then write your name in the form at the bottom, cut it off, send it to us and we'll hunt you down and push you off a bridge because we don't have a picture, and we don't like complaints, and there's only one of me so why do I keep referring to me as we?
Anywap, leave the eye uncovered so the Dalek can see, now, place it in front of a TV and use magnets to hold it in place somehow (or rope, or something, I dunno), Anywap, its forced to stare at the TV. Now, make it continuously watch the film "The Titanic" for the next 3 weeks until it comes out yelling something along these lines….(NO SOUNDBITE REMEMBER ALL EIGHT OF YOU READING THIS?)
Dalek – Exterminate Leonardo di Caprio, the poof must be destroyed
Hopefully it will run off to find the git (Did I just say run off, I'm talking about a Dalek here WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?" OH (CENSORED) I'M TURNING INTO MATT GROENING!
Does that even make sense? Oh well, the Dalek will infiltrate Leonardo di caprio's pit of doom which he refers to as his house and will exterminate the bugger for good. Now, the activity could be over with that but you've got to subdue the dalek so he's ready for the next activity (Yes, you are meant to do all these activities in one lifetime. You may wind up dead about four or five thousand times, but apart from that you shouldn't have much problem)
Hit the Dalek with the dictionary (IN COLOUR) the white and blue colours should confuse it and it will circle the area for a while yelling
Dalek – My vision is bilzoavyed, why am I seeing blue and white?
Now, go to the zoo and steal two porcupines and throw them at the Dalek. It won't do anything and the dalek will still be going on its killing spree, but godammit, it was fun. Once the Dalek reaches the top of a very tall building (preferably 2000 miles tall) you can finally put an end to the carnage by…. Shooting it with a shotgun, I'm not thaat repetitive.
END RESULT – 1/10
THAT WASN'T THAT FREAKY DEAKY!
And now I leave you with a though, what if Daleks developed sympathy for other, less privileged Daleks, they will form the charity concert exterminade
Dalek#1 – LET'S SEE THOSE PLUNGERS IN THE AIR!
Dalek#2 – GIVE US UR F ING MONEY NOO!
Bill Gates – thank you everybody and please welcome DIDO!
Dalek#1: HE MUST BE EXTERMINATED!
Thank you, you hateful people and ood goutnike to you