C26: Someone tell me joke about herons, I lead an unexciting life waiting for her to ring back. Who is her you may ask? Educational secretary Ruth Kelly of course, I phoned to ask why she sounds like that green thingy that lives in a dustbin from Sesame Street
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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek
Part two: The freaky deaky crap
Activity six: (This one involves popcorn (The cinema sweet brand) several lamp posts, a duck and some pudding (Any sort will do)
LIES! ALL LIES! LIES! Do you trust me? Thought not, you're right to! Now you believe not to trust me, good, you're learning! WHAT D'YOU MEAN YOU DON'T LEARN? WHY NOT? GO ON! TELL ME ELIJAH WOOD! Never has there been such an appropriate name for an actor. Anywhopagipalopagh, away from my enlightened visions about Elijah wood's death involving sheep and hundreds of tonnes of dynamite. On with the activity!
This time we will need the following pieces of crap: Will Young, several eggs, a blow torch, one of those freaky plastic gloves that doctors wear when performing operations on guinea pigs, concrete (I don't care where you get it from, if you do care where I get concrete from and want to know where I get concrete from, feel free to send countless questions and more to the email address I will not be providing at the end of the activity SO UP YOURS SUCKERS!) Cough…where were we? Oh yeah, twelve PC world sales assistants, giant worms and finally after all that your dalek. (Oh yeah, two spoons required for eating Elijah Wood's brains)
To start with stretch the plastic glove over the Dalek's eyestalk, it may yell a bit (I can't be bothered to insert a sound bite, you all know what crap a Dalek spouts when it can't see) once its calmed down in eleventy ten years time. After all that waiting by which you should have died, but you never know, you might get lucky. Take the Dalek to a quarry and chuck it in a ditch, then fill the ditch in with concrete (YOURSELF! I DON'T WANT SOME LAZY CENSORED GETTING AWAY WITH HIRING SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT! YOU DO IT YOURSELF WITH A SPOON (the other you will need to eat Elijah wood's brains with) NOW WORK!) it may take several more centauries of slave labour we're putting you lucky people through. Once finished that will be that….
That activity was way too short.
Okay, as a continuation, in celebration of finally ridding yourself of the troublesome dalek for good, go and kidnap twelve PC world sales assistants and feed them to the giant worms very slowly while they ask you why the manager told you to do this.
Make sure to record their screams using a microphone if you can afford one after buying all that concrete (Or stealing it, depending on whether you're a cheapskate or not cough… my parents…cough) Play the scream to yourself for one whole millennium until you are fed up. So go and eat Elijah Wood's brains for a relaxing end to the activity.
END RESULT - -1097507640876/1234679754345678432367
BET YOU CAN'T READ THAT NUMBER OUT LOUD!
And now I leave you people with another glimpse into Dalek life
(Open onto "the X factor, the jumped up freak Simon Cowell is standing on stage, there are hundreds of Daleks in the audience)
Simon Cowell - Before you all get bored of me talking like the freak I am, here you have dalek#1
Dalek#1 – Thank you. I have spent my life exterminating mean, women, children, fashion designers, politicians, and now I'd like to exterminate a famous song
Audience – OH NO!
Dalek#1 – is this the real life, is this just fantasy
Audience – Kill him now!
Dalek#1 – Erm… stuck in the middle with you
Audience – Exterminate!
Thank you for having patience to read such a crappy chapter, but I'm running low on ideas, thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you.