C26: It sucks living in Britain. Early in the morning when I am forced to stand semi naked in the middle of a field and kick a ball around to other moronic spuds who tell me to enjoy it, then in the afternoon the sun is horribly boiling and blinds me where I stand, yes I'd move to another country if I had the chance, but I can't because not only am I an annoyed person, I'm also a lazy bastard so there.

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part two: The freaky deaky crap

Activity seven: (This one involves a barrel of toxic waste David Blaine gitwizard's head on a plate, some sort of fish and a cup of tea)

Why do other countries always associate the English with a cup of tea and Fish and Chips, I mean, the French call us "le rossbeef" because they can't say the words Roast and Beef, Roast Beef doesn't even symbolise us, lots of countries eat it! Okay, I'll stop pointing and laughing at the French now…. Bloody frogs legs….

Anywhopajsldjhfmnfif, on with the most painstakingly dull chapter yet in which I insult the sport Cricket in every way, since our school recently bought a wide screen TV so we could see what it looks like, if that doesn't show education is lowering, what does?

Anyway, for this activity you will require the following dead things: Peter Andre's career (OOPS! THE GIT TOLD ME NOT TO SAY THAT!) a copy of the movie "The brave little toaster" on DVD mainly because it is the strangest film ever, cupcakes, a cyberman, a boxing ring, a sub machine gun, special super happy fun Dalek treats (these are mainly just PEOPLE but with a different name), and of course your Dalek.

This will be fun as you know I have mentioned a cyberman. You may take a while to gain control of a boxing ring. My suggestion is to go into the boxing ring just as one is about to finish off the other. Go up into the commentator's box, kill him somehow, I suggest you stuff him with cupcakes, their one main use. And when one has killed the other yell into the microphone "I apologise people, this boxer has failed, this organisation does not tolerate failure" in a Dr No style voice, then call your terrorist armies to infiltrate the place and "escort" the people attending out. When I say terrorists, you could use anyone, bin Laden's men, or the happy terrorists of the IRA that robbed that bank, or did they? Yes they did, and then they murdered that Catholic man, that Republican Catholic man. But apparently we aren't at war with them anymore so I'll just keep my mouth shut until they come after me.

Now you should have gained control of the arena, in which you should put your Dalek and your cyberman, now for the Doctor who fan boy's dream! Watch as the dalek and the cyberman beat each other to death, I don't know how a Dalek does this as it has no hands unless it tries to suck the cyberman's face off. After about ten years they should still be fighting and you will be as bored as hell, so watch "the brave little toaster" non stop for another thousand years until the Dalek has finally killed the cyberman because Daleks rule! By this time your form should be taken as a disembodied head in a jar (like Michael Jackson will be…. Soon) ready to rule the universe like those freaky aliens in that strange movie that I can't remember the name of. Now you are just a head the Dalek might try and kill you, but if you offer it a super happy fun Dalek treat that originally had the name "Alex denisof" (Y'know, that guy out of Buffy/Angel) then it might accept it and join forces with you to conquer the world using exploding telephones.

END RESULT – minus ninety ten thousand and pizza/1089696968658697

GOOD? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!

And now I leave you with blah, blah, blah, YOU KNOW THE DRILL BY NOW!

Dalek#1 – I was created on the planet Skaro by my father Davros, though I exterminated the lying bastard for no apparent reason. Then I travelled the galaxy exterminating small children and the spirit of Madonna, twice, then I settled down and had kiddie Daleks with my Dalek wife Mrs Dalek. I needed a good store of money, that's why my card is American express! YOU WILL USE AMERICAN EXPRESS OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!

Thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you.