C26: I've had a really crap day today, which is strange as I'm writing this on a Saturday. I know this is a K+ fic but I feel like using the S word. Seeing as I've had such a bloody (CENSORED) day I really want to say it, but I can't because I don't want this ending up a T rated fic. Oh hell, I'll say it, I'VE HAD A SHI…. Day today! Hah! I your face administrators! I didn't say (CENSORED) so you can't take me off!
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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek
Part two: The freaky deaky crap (GOD! WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END?)
Activity Eight: (This one involves suggestions as to the pointlessness of actually trying to save that Whale that was stuck in the Thames)
Unless you aren't from good old crappy England you will have heard that a Whale swam up the river and got stuck. If this happens the Whale is as good as dead, it will have received Brain damage and has a chance of surviving in the wild at about nil. And the headline in the newspapers the next day "THE WHALE THEY COULDN'T SAVE!" Does anyone else know how stupid the English public are? Look at me, I've insulted just about everything so far and I'm only on activity eight. Anyhop on with the activity.
This one will involve the following things that I don't really like: Everything, no wait, that leaves too much variety, okayp, I'll start again. Annoying TV theme tunes like that one from "the sopranos", Christopher Eccleston, Billie Piper's hat (in the sense that Billie Piper doesn't wear a hat, a dodo egg, a nuclear missile, the country of Ecuador, Mosquitoes and the last living fox and of course your Dalek.
Some of you might have noticed something, yes, the last living fox, people are always saying how evil fox hunting is, and to an extent I agree with them, but this is just what you'll need for an activity. Now, take the knife and slaughter every fox in the entire world except for one (this may take several centuries, you may do this while drunk/fatally injured/stoned it doesn't really matter but will help in your court case "Why I slaughtered the world population of foxes except this one that I've named fifi)
There is no point but if you do take over the world one day, stroke a fox instead of a white cat, be imaginative.
Now with the pointless (CENSORED) out of the way you will need to feed Billie Piper's imaginary hat to Christopher Eccleston. If the hat actually exists (which everyone knows it doesn't) then Eccleston will go completely insane and start slaughtering people. Once he's reached America and murdered every member of the U.N use the TV themes to try and subdue him. You'll know when he's subdued because he'll be rolling around on the floor spouting the usual crap that he says when he isn't playing the Doctor.
Now take him and the Dalek to Ecuador and pit them in a robot wars style battle (yes! Taunt them with Phillipa Forrester in a vest and leather trousers (the only BBC soft porn that actually exists except their soft core adult channel C-boobies))
Now go to an American Nuclear missile station, infiltrate it using hundreds of mosquitoes to make the guards run off screaming for no apparent reason. Gain control of it and fire a nuclear missile at Ecuador, by which time Christopher Eccleston should just be a bloody lump of flesh on the floor and the Dalek will start killing people again until the missile hits. The explosion might blow half of the planet to pieces but don't worry people will thank you…eventually….in fifteen….thousand….million….billion….trillion….years. Or maybe never, I dunno.
END RESULT – PORK PIE/TWENTY YOK
HUH?
And now I will leave you will a strange look at Dalek life
Dalek#1 – welcome to the late night TV. Now for desperate Daleks who want you BADD!
First advert
Mrs Dalek jr – YOU WILL de-PLUNGER ME!
Jordalek – YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME! YOU WILL want me or YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!
Kiddie Dalek – MUMIE, WHAT IS THIS PICTURE OF YOU WITH NO CASING ON?
Jordalek – DON'T MIND JR, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU TURN 18000!
And if you remember what that was parodying, you weren't really there
Thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you