I've just been watching "The shining", the 1980 film by Stan Kubrick, not the crap TV mini series. And now I'm just like….whoa! So forgive me if this chapter is strange and I wander away from to subject a bit. So, who wants to know how many fingers I have? He, he, he, he, he BWHAHAHAHA!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek
Part three: The stuff that could have been fun if it wasn't so crap
Activity ten: (This one involves scissors, glue, and mini cheddars, Y'know those ones you can get down at the supermarket in that isle with all those tubes of Pringles, mm, some Pringles would be good right now, they're just so crunchy and…what? Oh right, back onto the subject)
Now, this activity is very special and d'you know why? Because in this activity you will finally know the answer to the question which has been bugging you since you started reading this. That's right, how to get a dalek to…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………………
Give me a minute………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………How to get a Dalek drunk.
Come on, who hasn't wondered and tried it? In this activity you will need the following idiots: George Bush Jr + Sr, just kidding, you will actually need them. You will also need five pink pixies, wolverine, several months of your time, yeast, a bathtub, five packets of digestive biscuits and a lot of alcohol.
Now then……um…..er…..seriously I'm out of ideas already. Now you need to summon the five pixies by offering your soul to the dark lord Dracula (Wait, he's the prince of darkness, and the dark lord is…) Okay offer your soul to harpies, and by harpies I mean Britney Spears, God know what she'll do with it, probably torment some of her idiotic fans with it (seriously if you are a fan of Britney spears you are stupid).
Once she has summoned the pixies from hell order them to fly you over to the white house and kidnap George Bush, just threaten him with fictional weapons of mass destruction and he will probably declare war on whatever country has them so say they are stored in warehouses on Mars making George Bush declare war on Mars and says to the public that God will make go there (him talking crap again).
Anyway this will start an intergalactic war against the Ice warriors. What on Skaro this has to do with getting a Dalek drunk is beyond me, but have I followed any sort of plan so far. If you say yes I'll bloody have you!
Anyway, the Ice warriors will start prohibition on earth because they need the alcohol to power their super fun happy war machines of doom. Use your yeast in a bath tub and use your pixie's magical powers to turn it into alcohol. Feed this to your dalek (use a funnel) and it will probably make it malfunction and start yelling stuff like:
Dalek – Alert! Alert! Pain!
Hopefully it will explode and you will have to get some loony scientists to put it back together again before the next activity.
END RESULT
FLOOJIP/ZWING ZWANG
WHAT?
And now I leave you with life in a dalek world of advertising
Dalek is standing behind the Heinz baked beans logo which is now the shape of a dalek head
Dalek – WHEN I GET HOME FROM SCHOOL, MY NON BIOLOGICAL MOTHER FIGURE ALWAYS MAKES IT NECESSARY TO GIVE ME WHAT I LIKE MOST WHICH MEANS A GOOD HOT PLATE OF SMALL CHILDREN!
Thank you, you hateful people and oood goutnike to you