The Doctor, absolute genius that he is, broke the science secret behind being an animagus. The real way that DNA changes, how it allows one to ripple to another form and keep their human minds, then ripple back without the use of a wand or spell. It was the perfect thing to drag me out of my temporary state of depression.

When he wrote it all out on his painted chalkboard, that I didn't bother asking where he'd gotten it from, it made a stupid amount of sense. But if someone hadn't taken advanced genetics, physics, chemistry, and biology throughout 8 years of college then the knowledge would be practically useless to them. It sped up the understanding of the animagus process, and I figured I would have it by Christmas. From there it would just take practice for speedy transformation. My first try I would have Zoopy standing by to reverse any damage I might do to myself. House Elf magic being more potent and power than wizards magic he would be the perfect backup.

It was the last week of school before Christmas break, and some of the other teachers gave up on teaching, instead letting them do their own thing. I didn't want to make them do busy work, but I also wasn't fond of letting them goof off too much. Therefore I dredged up as much Muggle Christmas stuff as I could find and transfigured the rest. I had them watch the 1966 cartoon version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and then spent a lot of time explaining that no, that really didn't happen. The closer it had gotten to Christmas I had handed out a project to the upper years called 'Secret Santa' where they had to get a gift that was less than two galleons. We would have a drawing for who got what, though they weren't allowed to put their names on it, so it was all a mystery. I checked over all of it first to make sure it was appropriate, sending Fred and George back to the drawing board several times. I did allow them to give joke products, just not things that would automatically prank the opener.

It was a big hit, as were some of the other Christmas-y things I had them do, though I had to have a mini history lesson over them before we could continue. I also spent a week covering Hanukkah, Bodhi day, and the celebrations of several other religions. I chose no favorites. The kids did though, Christmas won hands down, most likely because it was familiar. My fourth year Gryffindors and Slytherins were exchanging their Secret Santa gifts, where they had known who they were buying for, a person chosen randomly and the gift pre-approved as non-violent, and I was working some numbers for the animagus theory. There was a calculator spell, similar to tempus, called calculo that brought shimmering numbers into the air. However, these numbers would stay put, allowing you to tap them and run rapid calculations. It was basic, not allowing you to use scientific notation or roots of numbers, nor raise anything to the power of whatever, but it was simple and effective. The numbers were running differently than I had assumed, and I heard a crash, glancing up to see that someone had hugged a friend fiercely for a gift only to be told it was someone else who'd gotten it. I ignored that, turning back to my problem. If the nucleotides behaved in this particular pattern naturally, but then magic was added causing this anomaly, then the agitation would of course cause this behavior, which could also mean-

"Sweet baby Jesus, that can't be right."

I shuffled papers wildly, not caring when some flew off the desk. I found what I was looking for, matching it to another one.

"Holy science, Batman, I think we're onto something."

A hand entered my vision, holding a stack of paper they must have gathered from the floor. I looked up to see Hermione, looking concerned.

"Everything alright, Professor?"
I grinned,

"Oh, just dandy, really. Found something I wasn't even aware I was looking for."

I looked around the room, seeing a rather confused Ronald Weasley eyeing Draco Malfoy who was immersed in what looked like a copy of the Hobbit. I raised an eyebrow before glancing at Hermione,

"I'm guessing that was your doing?"

She nodded and I gave her a thumb up.

"Well done, creating another Tolkienist on the sly. Out of one of the sly, rather."

I smirked at my own joke before sliding all of my papers into one pile, Hermione had yet to leave my desk, and the others were still examining their gifts. She pointed at the papers,

"What are you working on? I mean, if you don't mind sharing."

I shrugged,

"Oh, illegal things. Very very illegal things."

I was completely serious but she rolled her eyes,

"I was just asking because it looked like Muggle science rather than anything magical. I thought it was Arithmancy at first, but then it started looking more like biology the deeper you go."

I nodded,

"Ten points to Gryffindor, lovely observation skills, Miss Granger."

She blushed fiercely before pushing onwards,

"So it is science?"
I nodded, settling back in my chair with a sigh,

"Yup, I have a Bachelors in Chemistry and a Masters in another science."

Xeno-biology through a course the Doctor set up for me. Online through time via TARDIS net, neat as hell. I got to study aliens and became invaluable as a UNIT consultant. All that extra cash was gone, and the degree near useless without aliens, but I felt proud for knowing it all anyway.

Her eyes widened,

"But you're a witch!"

I raised an eyebrow at her, tilting my head in bemusement.

"Yes, Miss Granger, indeed I am."

She flushed once again, the red rushing back into her face.

"What I meant was that I didn't know that witches or wizards bothered to seek degrees or further their education in the muggle world after they've finished school in the Wizarding one."

I shrugged,

"I study rather delicate things, Miss Granger. Magic is a branch of science, in a way, in another way it is sentient, a being in and of itself. Science can be used to further magic just as magic could push science to new heights but this dam-er, darn muggle hating campaign started by Voldemort has dragged down progress."

I reached for my coffee cup before sitting back in my chair and continuing, letting the warmth seep into my hands.

"My theory there is that Voldemort did so much to separate the two that were growing closer together after the second world war because it was making them stronger. United we stand, divided we fall."

There was a strange look on her face and I had the sudden thought that perhaps she believed me to be crazy. She wouldn't be the first. But it would be heart-breaking to have an idol like Hermione Granger to think me a nut. So I ignored the expression, gathering all of my papers. When I looked back up the expression was gone, but she was still there, now looking slightly worried,

"Is there something on your mind, Professor? We were thinking...you've been looking very distracted lately and…"

I floundered for an excuse that didn't include dark lords, magic, or breaking laws, ending up with my least worrying but most depressing thought.

"I don't own a dress."

She just stared blankly for a second,

"What?"

I sighed, shoving all of my papers into one giant stack before continuing.

"Min-erm, Professor McGonagall has informed me I am required to attend the Yule Ball, and that I must wear appropriate attire. I do not own a dress. I was told to just grab a friend and go to a dress store but...I am sorely lacking in the friend department after my little displacement."

I picked up the papers, standing up.

"So I am resigning myself to walking in the door and picking the first item on the rack, no matter if it is puce and size 14XL."

I expected Hermione to grimace and agree with me about dress shopping but she looked horrified, however Draco Malfoys expression took the cake. He had been approaching my desk for some reason, and I had failed to notice him until the last moment. His distress was mildly amusing, especially since it was practically mirrored on Hermione's face as well. I could see why people ship the two of them. Then again, I can also see why some would pronounce Draco as flaming. He struggled for words for a second before scooting closer to the desk, voice lowered to avoid being heard by the rowdy group behind him.

"You can't do that!"

I raised an eyebrow at the both of them, wondering how Hermione would react when she realized who she was agreeing with.

"And why not, Mister Malfoy?"

He struggled for words, and I wondered how many times that made it for me rendering him speechless with my nonsense.

"Because it's unseemly!"

I snorted,

"Unseemly? That would imply I have a reputation to protect. I'm considered a nutter by most everyone."

Hermione looked taken aback,

"That's not true!"

I rolled my eyes,

"I'm not deaf, Miss Granger, I hear them talking. Granted, sometimes they sound almost fond, but I'm not a pet. If they're going to treat me like one then I'll just deal with things my own way. And if that just so happens to be by wearing the most repulsive excuse for clothing that I can find then so be it."

They cringed simultaneously and I rolled my eyes yet again, surprised I hadn't eye-rolled myself into yet another dimension by this point. I raised my voice over the racket,

"Class dismissed, have a wonderful break and a very Merry Christmas!"

I got a few pointed 'Happy' Christmas' wishes as always, but let them slide. Draco and Hermione were still at my desk and I glanced pointedly at the door.

"Did you two need help with something?"
Draco looked torn but one look at Hermione still hanging around had him sweeping out the door, cronies following. I wondered for a bit what he had wanted from me but dismissed it to watch Hermione struggle with her decision. Eventually she wished me a 'Happy Christmas' and left as well.

I took my new findings straight back to my rooms, throwing the door open and slamming it behind me, getting the Doctor's attention quickly. He was reading a book about merpeople by the looks of it, closing it when he saw my expression.

"What happened?"
I waved the stack of papers in the air, grinning madly,

"We didn't only figure out the key to the animagus transformation, it's the key to all types of transformation!"

It took him a second but once he got it he let out a whoop, throwing up his fez. I nodded enthusiastically,

"The cure! We can find the cure to Lycanthropy!"

We talked theory for almost three hours straight before the Doctor forced me to a halt, expression falling.

"Do we have time at the moment, though? With all of the other schemes you have running right now where would this even rank?"

I thought for a second,

"Well, keep Harry and the rest of the kids safe is numero uno, with Horcruxes coming in second. That includes the bank heist. The takeover of the Ministry is third, with all personal research after that. The cure goes above personal research definitely, and I've managed to get enough contacts through Percy that the Ministry bit is running itself for now, spreading like a virus. The Horcruxes are essential for Voldemort's defeat, and one aspect of that research goes hand in hand with 'keep Harry safe'. But with the cure we can improve quality and duration of life for so many people who have been considered second class citizens for far too long. Oh, there's also some strategic value, some of the wolves who worked for Voldie only joined because they thought he had a cure, I think. Perhaps that was the first time around, though. Either way, it definitely ranks pretty highly. It's not like I can rob Gringotts while school is going on, so that has to wait. I get to learn to Apparate this summer, so after that my Horcrux gathering begins, if I can finally get some Basilisk venom from my contact in Knockturn. It irks me to have that so close, but being unable to get to it."

I grinned suddenly, glancing at the Doctor,

"Do you think there's a way to to use the translation matrix to get Parseltongue? Or to mimic it? Ron did an impression of it in the last movie, but I can't for the life of me remember how it sounded in the second movie-"

The Doctor immediately made a hissing noise, looking smug. I rolled my eyes,

"Of course you memorized how to open the Chamber of Secrets. Why the hell didn't you tell me before?"
"I didn't want you wandering into that giant death trap! How do you expect to get out of it without the phoenix express, eh? Not like you can fly a broom, apparition wards prevent you using that even if you did learn it, and portkeys have the same problem."

I sighed, about to concede when Zoopy popped his head in from the bathroom,

"Miss Mara's potion be almost done now!"

I nodded and thanked him before turning to stare at him, wide eyed.

"Apparition wards. They don't stop House Elves."

I turned to Zoopy, who was now standing nervously in the doorway to the bathroom,

"Zoopy, do you know where the Chamber of Secrets is?"
He shook his head, ears flapping and I shrugged,

"Makes sense, in the movie the place looked grungy, if the elves knew where it was it would be spotless."

The elf's chest puffed at the compliment and I hesitated before continuing.

"If I told you how to find it do you think you could get me out of there, if I took you in with me? It can be dark and scary, and there's sort of a corpse of a terrifying creature at the bottom, so don't agree too quickly."

He barely hesitated, ears flapping wildly as he nodded. I sighed, looking over at the lock on the wall before shrugging.

"I suppose we'll go late tonight when I know the patrols on that floor are finished. You have until three in the morning to teach me a word in Parseltongue, Doctor! Let's get cracking!"

It took almost all of our time for me to get up to the Doctor's standards. I disillusioned myself, and Zoopy went invisible in that special way that only House Elves can. We made our way to the second floor girls bathroom, Myrtle nowhere to be found. I hissed and the sinks slid open, causing me to punch the air in triumph while I was still invisible. I looked at the slide, wondering if there wasn't a more dignified way down there. Surely Salazar Slytherin hadn't used a slide to get down, and I didn't see teenage Voldemort lowering himself to that either. But sadly I have only one word in my Parseltongue repertoire, so no experimenting for me. I slid to the bottom, hearing Zoopy follow me down the slide, making a high pitched squeaking noise when we hit the bottom. I managed to find my way to the snake, and a now visible Zoopy looked ready to faint. I took several fangs, putting them in one of my pockets, being stupidly careful with them. I doubt there's a phoenix nearby ready, or even willing, to weep for me.

Zoopy apparated us out the moment I said I was ready to go, I blinked and was stumbling around in the bathroom at the top. I was faced with a new problem. How the fuck to close this thing. Eventually it was Zoopy who managed it, snapping his fingers and doing something House Elf-y that he couldn't really explain. The second after the sink was back in place I was in my living room. I stared for a second before the Doctor cleared his throat,

"Well, did you get them or not?"

I grinned, holding up my wand and floating the fangs out of my pocket. I wasn't going to risk just sticking my hand in there. I laid them out on the desk that was cleared for once in its existence.

"I'll go get the diadem. I kind of want to wait and go on a Horcrux destruction spree when I have all the ones possible, but it would be careless to assume something won't take away my access to the room or that Voldie won't try to remove it what with all the changes to the timeline."

The Doctor bobbed his head,

"And then once you can apparate this summer you can get the ring, while being wary of the flesh eating curse, don't forget to break that, and then we'll have a hallow!"

I nodded, pausing at the door before opening it.

"Do you think...would I be able to see those who died in a different dimension? A different timeline? Or would it bring forth this dimension's version of them, or try to and fail because they aren't dead?"

The Doctor was silent for a few seconds, staring down at the fez he was fiddling with in his lap.

"I don't know Mara. Maybe if I were alive, or there in person, no matter which me it was I would be a better help, but at the moment...I'm not at my best."
I'd known that even magic probably couldn't perfectly re-create a consciousness as complex as the Doctors based on one hazy memory, one second hand hazy memory, and a small ritual. But I had hoped.

The diadem died with a screech of fury, and I touched into the wards briefly to be sure that they hadn't alerted the headmaster to the sudden death of Dark Magic in his castle. Nothing. Zoopy's block had done it's job. My rooms were technically off the grid so to speak. Sweet.

I had simply dripped the venom onto it, burning away the dark magic and stopping when it started to hint at eating away at the crown itself. It was safe to put on someones head, I'd managed to do several scans, Zoopy helping me, and found there was nothing left of Lord Voldemort in it. I could keep that for later use. The Lost Diadem of Ravenclaw was either worth a hippogriffs weight in gold or a stupidly valuable gift. It could go to Hogwarts, though if I gave it to Luna her dad might avoid the dangerous exploding horns…

In any case there were now two horcruxes destroyed, five to go.

~TimeLordOfPie