Title: Last Chance - Chapter 21

Disclaimer: Ain't mine. Never have been. Never will be. Forgive me for touching, I just wanted a glimpse into what it felt like to play with such perfect characters.

Authors' note: My muse is interpreting Sara's character as a whirlwind of hormones, emotions, and more childhood pain then I can even comprehend. So I apologize for the last few chapters. Only two left, so needless to say, we are getting back on track. Back by popular demand . . . the fluff. I was watching Tyra when I wrote this . . . so random things in this story came from her . . . not from me. I don't watch it a lot . . . but I gotta give credit where credit is due. Please R&R! Enjoy!

What in the hell was wrong with her? She went from wanting to leave, to needing to stay, back to feeling like if she stayed her life would never get better. It was like she was caught in a yo-yo. And at the end of that yo-yo, probably getting really sick of the motion, was the man she loved.

What she'd told Grissom the night before had been the truth. She felt like she was being ripped apart. And it wasn't fair. It was self sabotage. She always did this. Sometimes the good was scary.

She hadn't had a good life - and that was partly her fault. For believing that she didn't deserve anything more then she needed. After last night, listening to Grissom tell her that he didn't deserve her . . . God she was being a hypocrite. You couldn't tell someone that they deserved you . . . couldn't tell them that you needed them . . . couldn't all but tell them that your world revolved around them . . . and then just snatch it back again. Couldn't just tell them, 'oh yes you deserve me, but you see, I'm so screwed up that, ahh, I don't deserve you. Therefore, we cannot be together.' It wasn't fair to either of them.

It wasn't Grissom playing the game this time. This time it was her and her twisted outlook on life that was trying to screw with fate. She hung her head. She couldn't leave. Because it wasn't fair to Grissom. Or to herself. She had to take a baby-step in the right direction. Besides, she had too much riding on it this time. There wasn't just her to worry about.

She smiled as the light flooded into her heart. She finally knew what she was going to do. Four months ago she had been offered a position at the University. She'd declined without giving it too much thought, because she was so wrapped up in the lab. She had called them this afternoon, after dinner with Grissom. Because she wanted to stay. The job was still hers if she chose to accept it. She'd spoken with the director and had asked for 24 hours to think it over. She had almost called them back and declined. Now she was glad she hadn't. Faced with a life she truly wanted . . . this job seemed perfect. If only the rest of the things she wanted would fall into place so effortlessly.

Grissom for starters. She frowned as she remembered what she'd said. How she'd said it. She had really hurt him this time. But, if she hurt him, it just proved that he really did care about her. That he really did want her. Flaws and all. If she could just find the words to apologize. It was amazing how hard an 'I'm Sorry' could be when you threw love into the mix.

Love. That was a new one for Sara. Yeah, sure, there had been guys she cared about. Even more she'd been in big time lust with. Even a few that had broken her heart. But she'd never felt a connection like this before. It was physical, emotional, spiritual, academical even. This was a whole new ball game. An 'over the fence, straight for the moon, game winning home-run' kind of ball game. And she couldn't wait to start rounding the bases.

All it would take was one 'I'm staying.', one 'I'm sorry', one 'Forgive me', and one very heartfelt 'I love you'. The words were so easy to think about. So easy to say when he wasn't there.

Right there and then Sara picked up the phone. Before she changed her mind again, she had placed the call officially accepting the job. She just had to sign the papers now. Almost immediately after hanging up the phone she started panicking as she realized what she'd done. Committed herself to Vegas.

She argued with herself. This is what she wanted. She'd tossed around the idea of teaching when she was still in college, but she'd imagined teaching kids. Not college students. But the position was just some teaching. A little of this, a little of that. Not only would she be earning more money at the college, but it would get her out of the lab. It would give her a chance at a real future, the kind that lasted forever, not the kind you could see an end to three or four years down the road.

She had over an hour before she was to meet Grissom and her toes were already tapping. She just wanted to get this over with now that she'd made up her mind. Finally she just felt too overwhelmed with waiting and picked up the phone.

He answered his phone on the first ring. "Grissom."

"Can I come now?"

He didn't say anything for six beats of her heart. "Sure."

She hung up the phone without saying anything else. Five minutes later she was in her car, and sooner then was possible, had she been obeying the traffic laws, she was knocking on his door.

"It's open." He was sitting at his desk thumbing through a stack of case files. He didn't look up as she walked in. As she closed the door behind her and thumbed the lock, he spoke. "Hi."

He was looking at her over the rim of his glasses. A look that usually meant that he was either annoyed or confused. Not that she could blame him for being either. She moved to sit down. "Grissom . . . I . . . " God. How hard could words actually be to say?

He reached into the frontdrawer of his deskand pulled out the note she'd left him this morning. It seemed like a lifetime ago to her. "Sara. When you weren't there when I woke up this morning my first thought was that you'd regretted my being there. Then I found this." He held it up. "And it took me a good five minutes to read it. I was so apprehensive because I didn't want to know what it said. I was so afraid that you were asking me to leave. To forget. That you'd changed your mind. Decided that I didn't deserve you. I was so scared when I finally opened it. Terrified. But reading it, you'll never know the relief I felt. It was . . . just . . . hope."

"I'm sorry . . . "

"Sorry for what, Sara? That you gave in for one night? That I did?"

"No, never. I'm sorry for playing a game that I told you I couldn't play any more."

"This isn't a game any more Sara. We've both gone too far and said too much for us to just be playing pretend."

"Which is why I'm here."

He took off his glasses and met her eyes. "Sara, what's wrong?"

She smiled sadly. "I never said anything was wrong."

He returned her smile, just as sad, then looked down at his desk. "Sometimes, you don't have to."

Sara's stomach tied itself into a knot. This was the hard part. The explanation. She herself didn't really know why she kept doing this. She thought that maybe, just maybe, if she could make it make sense . . . just a little, he would understand.

She took a deep breath. "I knew this was going to be hard. All of this. But until I got here, saw you . . . I didn't realize how hard. Because looking at you - I believe I know how you feel." She stopped. "Gil, look at me."

He raised his head. "Then how do I feel Sara?"

The way he was looking at her almost made her rethink her decision to take this road in the discussion. She couldn't stand the pain in his eyes and she looked away. She felt her own eyes burning with tears she would not cry. "Broken."

She caught the emotions in his exhale of breath. "I hide my feelings from you that badly huh?"

"It's just that . . . that . . . "

"That what?"

"That I feel it too."

He got up from his chair and walked around the desk. "Then . . . why?"

"Because it was too good."

Now he sat it the chair next to hers. "What?"

"All my life, I've never gotten anything I wanted. Oh yeah, everything I needed . . . but nothing was handed to me on a silver platter. I settled for second best on a lot of things. Because I didn't think I deserved better. And then . . . then I met you. And you became one more thing that I wanted but would never have. And I got comfortable with that." She stopped and drew a deep breath, and looked him in the eye. "And then yesterday . . . it was like winning the lottery, a car, and a trip to Tahiti all in one day." That made him smile. "I lost my comfort zone. The thing I was used to and my sabotagical brain . . . took what was so good, and torched it - twisted it, bent it, until it - hurt. And I started to panic. And then you were on the phone - and I overreacted. My head said some things before my heart got a say. And as soon as it got caught up, it regretted every word. Because I want to stay. With you. Where I belong. Because I do need you. Always. All the time. Everywhere I am. And I don't need a reason."

She hadn't noticed when he'd taken her hand, and when he pulled her to her feet, and to him, she smiled. Everything wasn't perfect. But it didn't have to be. It nice, normal, ordinary . . . wonderful.

He wrapped his arms around her, enveloping her in a hug. She put her face in his neck and wrapped her arms around him too. His hand was on the back of her head smoothing her hair. "I love you Sara."

She swallowed the sob that threatened to escape and held him tighter. "I love you too."

They could have stayed in that position, locked in each other's embrace, his fingers tracing a lazy circle on her back, for eternity. But a sharp rap came at the door. Sara took a quick step back but Grissom just smiled and tucked her hair behind her ears.

He walked over and opened the door. "Come in . . . "

Catherine walked in. "Did you know your door's locked? It's never locked . . . I was getting worried . . . " She stopped when she saw Sara. "Oh - I'm interrupting." She looked at Grissom. "I knew you said she was coming . . . I'm sorry. I'll go."

"It's ok, Catherine." Sara spoke up. "We're ok."

"Well, I figured that much. Neither of you has been crying, your heads don't look like they are going to explode from screaming, and the door hasn't been slammed off its hinges . . . "

Grissom shot her a look. "What did you need Catherine?"

"Just wanted your opinion on my evidence . . . "

Sara took that as her cue to leave. She touched Grissom's arm. "I should get going - I've got a few things to do. Including begging for a renewal on my lease. Which I already told my landlord, I didn't need . . . "

She loved the smile that broke out on his face, and much to her surprise, and delight, he kissed her right there. Full on the lips, too short to be sexual, to long to be anything but romantic. With the door standing open, people walking by. Catherine, standing two feet away, pretending to admire her own shoes.

Then he leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Dinner. My place. 8 o'clock. Don't be late."

She smiled, nodded and blushed. Again, her face was going to be permanently red soon.

As she walked out the door, she heard Catherine poking fun at Grissom before finally getting to the point.

Warrick was standing a little way down the hall and shot her a thumbs-up as she passed him. Again she flushed red.

She hurried from the building because she really did have things to do. A lease to resign and a job to formally accept.

Maybe not for the first time in her life, but it was definitely one of very few occurances, Sara Sidle felt like she was walking - no, floating, on cloud nine.

To Be Continued . . . one more time.