Disclaimer: Again, own nothing.

Notes: Here's number two. Thanks again all of you for your support. Enjoy!

Roger's Journal (Don't touch Mark!)
April 21

So Mark took me out tonight. He was trying to be romantic. That's what he said. It was a sweet gesture, and I told him that, but had to tell him I'm just not ready for that yet. I don't want to get too close to Mark, not when I'm so close to death. He said he knew that, and understood that, and just wanted to show me how much he cares. What he wanted to show me was that it could still work between us, without so much as saying it. Despite all this, despite the fact that I'm probably the next to die.

I love Mark, I really do, and that's the reason I don't want to start anything up with him again. I don't wanna break his heart anymore. I broke it when April came into the picture. The first time. See, Mark and I have this friendship that goes way back, right? Well, somewhere in the middle of that friendship, we started, well, realizing things about each other that we didn't notice before. It was during his senior year of high school.

I had told him I'd wait for him to graduate before I went off and tried my chances in the 'real world,' so I got a part time job bussing tables at the local diner during the day, and playing gigs in neighbouring cities, and at local pubs at night. Let me tell you, that was exhausting.

Anyway, Mark had been hinting to me about his interest in boys, which I caught onto right away, but never made it obvious. He kept coming up with something about a guy, then come back with how he thought some chick in his class was hot. It was funny. He'd ask me if I ever looked at guys as more than just friends, and at first I lied to him and told him I never had, when in fact I'd been spending a good portion of my time with the drummer in my band. Derek.

So, after Mark more or less finally admitted he was attracted to men too, I told him about Derek. It seemed to sadden him quite a bit. Of course, I found out why later. He was hurt cuz he wanted to be my first. I told him he was my first. Maybe not physically, but he was the first person I ever gave my heart to. Shit, that sounds cheesy. But yeah… and he was the first person I ever gave myself to. With Derek, I was always the dominate one, so I hadn't actually experienced the entire sexual act. I gave Mark that.

Yesterday was 420. You know, national pot smoker's day. No, I didn't get high, cuz Mark asked me not to, but Collins celebrated. He had a fat blunt he smoked at the loft, filling the entire place with smoke. Mark and I got a decent contact high, and Collins and I had a good laugh remembering the first time Mark got a contact high. Mark still didn't get it. We didn't bother trying to explain it to him, cuz he'd either not get it, or get pissed.

I was just thinking about April again. Wow, this month is the worst for me. I'll be glad when it's over, then maybe I can stop thinking so much about her. I remember when her and I celebrated 420. Let's see, we'd been dating for probably four months at this point, and one of my buds had brought over a twelve pack of beer, and a quarter of the good shit. There were seven of us gathered in the loft. It was actually the first time I met Maureen too.

She was a friend of April's from way back, and a fucking nut from the beginning. I would swear she was tweaking or something when she first arrived. She literally jumped into April's arms knocking them both to the floor, giggling, screeching, things that girls do. Just moving, and talking really fast. So, I'm introduced as the boyfriend, and immediately was flirted with. Not that I minded, since I've always loved flirting. I introduced her to Mark, Collins, and my two band mates that were there.

Benny wasn't there, thankfully. He was to busy kissing ass to his boss. He started a job at Grey Communications as the gofer guy, but his skills in ass kissing got him promoted to the head guy's assistant.

Mark didn't stick around much either. He never liked it when I did drugs in the loft. He'd never really say anything, but it was obvious in his actions. I was gonna go have my usual, "Come on Mark, we're just having fun," speech, when Maureen offered to talk to him. I gave in and let her.

Mark came out of that bedroom with the biggest smirk on his face. I didn't even have to ask. He sat beside her the entire time, getting drunk with her, while the rest of us got stoned off our asses. She seemed to actually like him. Well, at the time. Found out later from April she was in a relationship with some other dude during all that.

Mark fell hard for her. It was the first woman I had ever known him to really fall for. Then again, she's awfully masculine for a woman, so that might be why. She eventually left this other dude, who threatened to kick Mark's ass for taking her away from him. Of course, like the good best friend I am, I stepped in. Nobody fucks with Mark, and gets away with it. This is why Maureen and I don't get along much anymore.

We used to actually be friends, until well, I found out she had been cheating on Mark. Mark, stupid dumbass, knew before I did, and never told me. Not until I told him I caught Maureen in their bed with some other guy. He said she'd been doing it for some time, but stupid boy was in love, and dismissed it.

I don't normally cry. Not unless it's something really serious. Like when April died, and just thinking about all that again… I fucking hate crying. Mark does it a lot. I don't mind it from him, but I myself hate crying.

Wow, I am so off topic from when I originally started. I was gonna talk about how I broke Mark's heart when April first entered the picture. Well, after his party that night, and I showed him the film the next morning. He was so incredibly embarrassed, then I told him about April. I explained how beautiful she was, and that I was interested in her.

See, we had been kinda on and off in our little relationship we had, which I mentioned started his senior year of high school. We did things together… couple-y things. Usually only at home, but every once in a while, we'd go out to a bar, or the pool hall, but I had told him no touchy feely-ness while we were out. He agreed, though I know that hurt him. He used to tell me when we were laying in bed together, he wished he could show me off to the world. Let everyone know we were together… 'in love,' as he said.

I don't think I've ever really been in love with Mark. Not the way I was with April, and that's what broke his heart. I would brush off his 'in love' comment, laugh, and tell him I loved him. I should've been more attuned to what he was trying to say, more than just what he was saying. All he wanted was acknowledgement that this wasn't just a one sided relationship.

I couldn't even give him that. Not then. I'm not sure I can give that to him now, even though it's different now. There's no April, no Mimi even. It's just him and me. I've broken his heart enough, and if we get involved again, it'll only break his heart again in the end…