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Notes: Thanks again, all of you! Enjoy!

Roger's Journal (Don't touch, Mark!)

May 14

It's been a little while since I've written in this, but seeing as I had written about my problem, and rereading it only brought back feelings of wanting to do it again. Mark has been talking me through it, reminding me of the hell I went through when April died, and the withdrawals. Oh my god, those were the worst times of my life. The worst ever.

After receiving my death sentence the night I found April's dead body in the bathtub, and the note, I threw my stash into the toilet, and watched as it swirled into an oblivion. Mark stood beside me while I did this, and I practically fell into his arms from just feeling incredibly weak. One, for being in that bathroom, and still smelling the blood and puke from the previous night.

Mark had graciously cleaned it up, while Collins and Maureen kept me from going crazy. Believe me when I say, I was more or less ready to do the exact same thing she did. God, this is difficult to talk about.

Maybe if I change the subject for a little bit, it'll help. Okay, um, how about… a Mark moment. Let's see… Mark… oh, I know one. Mark and I had gone to his prom together. That was fun. He and I were both dressed in tuxes, though if I had my way, which I almost did, I had planned on wearing this really pretty, long green dress, with an open back, and sequins. I saw it on a mannequin in a store window, and told Mark I wanted to wear it. Okay, first off, I don't dress in drag, though every once in a while, it's fun just for the hell of it.

I pleaded with Mark to let me wear a dress, and that one in particular, but he just kept telling me no, cuz he didn't want to be embarrassed. I told him I'd behave if he'd let me wear it. I'd even wear a wig if he was so worried, but he told me it wasn't that fact that he was with a guy that would embarrass him, it was just the fact that I would more than likely make an ass of myself, and probably get into a fight with some of the jock-like assholes. "Plus," he said, "it might ruin that perfectly good dress, and I wouldn't want you doing that." He made a good point, and I finally agreed to wear a tux.

That whole night we danced, well, I danced, and he had no rhythm whatsoever, but he did move about in a dance-like manner. I had never heard so many snickers in one room before, and mostly from the girls, wondering what the hell I was doing there with a boy. Gasp! Oh no, the pretty boy front man, who could have any girl he wanted, dancing with a boy. And kissing one no less. If they only knew.

So yeah, that was a fun night. Afterwards, we went back to my mom's place, since she let me stay there while I got my shit together, and I was waiting for Mark to finish high school. I always enjoyed having sex with Mark. He called it, making love. How sweet.

Let's see if I can do this again. So, Collins was pretty much, literally holding me to the couch, so I wouldn't just get up and run out, and do something stupid, which I would've done. After cleaning up that mess, Mark had come out, and both he and Col helped me to bed, though I really didn't want to be in there, much less on that bed. Not with her scent, her presence still lingering. Even strands of her hair were still stuck to the pillows. I couldn't do it. Mark put me in his bed, and sat with me all night until I finally fell asleep, which didn't happen for hours. Mark had stayed up all night with me.

The next morning was hell, literally. I was shaking, and wanted so bad to take another hit, if just to make the pain go away; the memories, the thoughts, the feelings, and especially the sorrow, but Mark just talked me through it. He convinced me to get rid of the shit, reminding me of what that shit did to me. I agreed, though hesitantly, and got rid of it. For weeks I couldn't leave his room. I couldn't go back into my room either. At this point, Benny had moved out, Collins took over my room, and Mark stayed with me most of the time, since he knew Maureen was with someone else, though he didn't know who.

For months it had been like this. I couldn't afford rehab, so Mark was the only support I truly had. Collins left somewhere in the middle of all that. He got a job at MIT and took it. So at this point, it was just Mark, Maureen, when she was home, and me. But all I needed at this point was Mark. He had been the biggest help, and did it all out of love. I truly take him for granted sometimes. I should show him how much I appreciate him, one of these days.

Anyway, come November, I had been doing somewhat better, though it still hurt, and I was still craving it, but other than that, I was able to be left alone in the loft without Mark watching me all the time. Maureen started more of her performances, which she called protests, but honestly, all they were, were ways for her to show off some part of her body to the world. She had a thing for showing off either her breasts or her ass. Depending on the "protest."

So, Mark and Maureen had been hanging out with me at the loft, when she stood up from his lap, called him 'pookie', which she did often, especially when she wanted something, and just dumped him right there, saying she was in love with a woman. A woman! We both were shocked, but then again, she was a rather 'man-ish' woman, which is why I said was the only reason Mark was even attracted to her in the first place.

Mark took it hard, surprisingly. I guess he really did love her, but I told him later it was for his own good, cuz she was already cheating on him, and not worth his love. Then I told him to let this woman she was 'in love' with deal with her, and know what she's really like. Let someone else realize she's nothing but a spoiled drama queen. It surprised me that it didn't take Mark that long to get over her, but I should've figured out why right away. He never got over me. God, I sound conceited, don't I?

Wow, that was actually easier than I thought, to get through. It was all cuz of Mark though, and if it weren't for him, I would be dead right now. Silly boy though, continued to help Mo out with her 'performances', cuz he's just a nice guy. Well, that is until Joanne took over.

I am truly glad April's over. Now, maybe I can get through the rest of this year without thinking about April so much. Yeah, not likely, but hey, it doesn't hurt to hope.