Disclaimer: Still not mine. Damn, how I wish he was. (literally)

Notes: Becky-Witter, you have become my new favourite person. Hehe. Thank you for all your wonderful reviews. I really, truly appreciate them. So much. And thank you baby for pointing her this way. Much love and appreciation to you. I love you. And thanks to the rest of you for actually reading my stuff. You guys are all great. And one other thing. For those of you who have been reading Leap of Faith, I have finished the last chapter, so all I have to do is write the middle, which should be about four more chaps, give or take, and then the big fin. Wow, a complete story. hehe.

Enjoy!

Roger's Journal (Don't touch, Mark!)

May 21

I'm having trouble sleeping. I haven't had this problem for at least a month now. I used to have this problem more often than not, but it had subsided for a while. I've also been thinking so much lately. April, Mimi, Angel... even Mark. I've been thinking about how he has been trying so hard to get me to go back to him, and each time I turn him down, one way or another. Sometimes I'm a complete asshole about it, and other times... Other times I almost wanna say yes.

He's always been there for me. Whenever I needed something, he'd be right there. Something to eat, something to drink, something to smoke... well, as long as it was only cigarettes. Anything else, he wouldn't bother. He hated my drug use. He hated what it did to me, what it did to us...

Pot was one thing. It didn't bother him nearly as much as the smack did, but that's only cuz it wasn't addictive. He hated the fact that I even did Meth for a little while. That didn't stick though, cuz I didn't like the type of high it gave me. It made me wired, and I preferred the more mellow high.

I preferred the smack more than anything, and he knew that. He knew that the drug was actually more important that anything else to me at that time. Even with April.

I was never an abusive person, and I would never hit anyone, especially a woman... especially someone I truly cared about, but this drug... it changed me. It turned me into a monster. Someone not even I could recognize.

It didn't happen right away. In fact, it didn't even begin till I was about half way through this addiction did my moods really start to alter.

April came home one night after work, and I was really aching for a hit, and at this point snorting wasn't giving me the high I needed, so we had started shooting up. Her sister showed her how to do it, and in turn she showed me. I had just run out earlier that day, and she was supposed to bring me some, but she was late, and it really pissed me off.

When she walked in the door, I grabbed her harshly by the arm, and yanked her inside. I could tell she was high already, and that only pissed me off even more. She pulled away from me, said I was hurting her, then she stumbled to the couch, and fell into it. I started screaming at her, calling her all sorts of names, and saying she was nothing but a stupid little bitch, which pissed her off. Now April was never one to take my shit, and she wasn't about to start now. She stood up clumsily, and made her way to me. She started screaming at me, saying to 'fuck off', and that I was an asshole.

She's called me an asshole many times before, but the fact that I really needed a hit, the fact that she was already high, and the fact that I hadn't gotten my shit from her yet, I lost it. I drew my hand back, then it connected with her face. I had backhanded her, and she had fallen to the floor. It surprised the hell out of her. Hell, it surprised the hell out of me, but I held my ground, actually expecting her to apologize and give me my smack. She didn't.

She stood up, got up on the tips of her toes, stared me right in the eyes, and told me if I ever did that again, I would wake up without a penis. OUCH! Then she shoved me back, and I stumbled slightly, but didn't lose my balance. She threw the baggie at me, and stormed off to our room, and all I did was take my hit. It wasn't till afterwards I followed her, and apologized. Well, not really apologized with words, but with actions.

For weeks I behaved myself when it came to coming down, and needing another hit. She continued to come home late from work each night, which I began getting suspicious about, which only sparked that side of me once again. I tried so hard, even when coming down, to suppress that side of me. The side that could explode at a moments notice cuz I couldn't control my temper. I had a really bad temper, and for the first time, I was actually using physical violence to portray it.

So, she came home late again, and she was higher than a kite. Her makeup was smeared, her hair disheveled, her clothes ripped. It looked like she'd been hit by a fucking semi or something, and barely made it back alive. I had asked her what had happened, but not out of concern, out of suspicion, and out of anger. She just looked at me, staring blankly. She looked like she'd been crying. My first reaction, which it shouldn't have been, was me asking "who was he? Was he better than me?" If I wasn't so damn... It wasn't even the drug, I just get jealous really easily. Ask Mark.

She glared at me. The expression on her face changed from that blissful, high look, to the one that said, 'fuck with me, and I'll kill you.' My temper got the better of me, and I raised my hand again. Fuck, I can't believe I did that. I can't. If I had known... no, that's no excuse. Even if I hadn't known that was the night her dealer more or less raped her, giving her... giving us AIDS, I still shouldn't have hit her. I should've realized that she wasn't cheating on me, but the fact that she was so fucked up, she was giving sexual favours for smack.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda...

So, I've been thinking a lot about Mark, and what he's been offering. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet. I need more time... unfortunately, I don't have the kind of time I need. I don't wanna rush into it either, though I guess technically I won't be rushing. We haven't been together since I met April, so... I don't know. I just need more time.