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Chapter 90
Neville had been waiting for hours. For a while it felt as though Harry would never fall asleep. When he finally did, Neville, in his paranoia, was too afraid to trust that he was truly sound asleep. He pretended to leave twice, waiting outside the door for Harry to follow, before he did indeed leave. He checked his watch and cursed at how little time the evening hours really held. He wondered if Graces was already fast asleep and prayed she wasn't. He had sent a letter asking her to meet him tonight and she had agreed, but he doubted she would be able to wait for him so long. She was being released from the hospital wing tomorrow, but she still couldn't be away from her bed long enough for someone to notice.
His stomach turned at the thought of not seeing her. He had not been able to visit since the first night, where so many things were left unsaid. He sent flowers daily, and he was surprised that every morning at breakfast he had a letter from her saying she was well, she was bored, Draco is worse than a mother hen and she missed him. He didn't know how she got away with sending the letters. He had a feeling that between Draco, her mother, Graham and Thomas she was rarely alone, but she found a way.
By the time he was in the hall leading to their room he was running. He was sure she must have left. Staying out this late increased the chances that she would be missed, but still he hoped. These past few days had been miserable. Every second of every day he wanted to go to her and check that she was okay. He didn't think he could wait longer now. If she wasn't in the room he was going to the hospital wing to see her.
"You're still here," he exclaimed after bursting through the door to find Graces sitting on the sofa.
"You said in your letter it might be awhile."
He knew that he shouldn't be staring at the black eye patch covering her eye, but he couldn't stop. It was all he could see.
"Say something."
"You never mentioned in your letters that-that—"
"Draco made the decision," Graces said quietly, looking away for a moment and absently brushing her fingers against the patch. "It's done. The healers removed it a few days ago. I have to wear the patch for a while. I can't control the new eye yet. It just moves about on its own." He could tell this was difficult for her, that just acknowledging it's presence was killing her, but she continued on forcing herself to say each word. "The patch helps, it doesn't want to move if there isn't anything to see. I have to practice using it, but until I can hold it still on my own I'm supposed to wear the patch when I'm not practicing."
"Does it hurt?" Neville asked cautiously.
Graces nodded her head but still didn't look at him. "It's not fully healed, so the wound is still pretty angry. Another reason for the patch. When the eye moves it hurts, not to mention the headaches."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Neville gently took her hand away from her face and held it in his.
Graces absently shrugged her shoulders and continued to avoid his eyes. "I thought you would visit. You said you wouldn't stay away." She looked up at him now her one eye filled to the brim with unfallen tears. "I planned to tell you in person, but you never came. You never wrote either. Not that the flowers weren't lovely—" Graces added quickly, "—but I thought you would write."
Neville cursed Harry and wished he was there with them now so he could punch his lights out. If Harry hadn't been watching his every move he would have written her something. Instead he could barely find the time to send a standing order to a florist to send Graces flowers anonymously for the week.
"I was worried your family would see," he offered lamely, kissing her hand. "I'm sorry."
"Why didn't you visit?"
"You told me not to." Another lie, he couldn't believe how easily it came to him and the worst part was she believed it. He couldn't tell her about Harry though, just as he couldn't tell her about Hermione.
"I know," Graces nodded, her voice breaking slightly. "I just missed you. I kept thinking you would visit, and—"
Neville pulled her into him and held her close. "I wanted to," he swore, burying his face in her hair. "Gods above and below I wanted to be there every second of every day." He knew he should be asking her about her eye, about her injuries, but he couldn't stop kissing her and he wasn't about to stop when she was kissing him back with the same desperation, leaning back to lay on the couch and pulling him on top of her.
"Are you well enough for this?" he panted, barely able to think straight when her hands were unbuckling his belt.
"You want to stop now?" Graces asked, moving her hands down his chest to the base of his shirt.
"You tell me if I need to," Neville stipulated, before diving back in. He doubted it was good. It was quick and almost primal. He just needed her, every movement was more to prove to himself that she was alive, there and well. He just needed to feel her skin on his, her warmth, hear her breath and it seemed Graces needed the same thing. Neville had to move his lips away from hers a few times just so he could catch a breath of air.
When it was over he just laid on the ground, panting and glistening with sweat. It was the first time in weeks he had relaxed and he was dangerously close to falling asleep.
"When did you know you loved me?"
Neville forced himself to sit up so he could see Graces' face. Even with one eye covered it wasn't hard to read her emotions. He reached out and caressed her cheek before asking what was wrong.
"I just—I just need to know," she muttered tightly. "When was it?"
"I knew that day of your match against Gryffindor when we were together before the game," Neville said delicately, "I think I loved you long before then, but I realized how I felt then."
"Am I the kind of girl you expected to fall in love with?"
"What do you mean?"
"Did you think you would ever fall in love with a girl like me? When you thought about the kind of girl you wanted to fall in love with, was she like me?"
Neville scowled, unsure why Graces was asking this and why it even mattered.
"Did you think you would find someone perhaps more kind or more sweet?" she offered, as though she maybe knew what he wanted. "Or perhaps a girl that was—"
"Did you think you would want to be with a man like me?" Neville countered, not enjoying where this line of questioning was going. Graces shook her head and quickly looked away. "What did you want?"
"What I wanted was stupid and shallow." Graces sniffed, still hiding her face. "I would have had a miserable life if I got what I wanted."
Neville pulled his trousers back on and sat down on the couch. He wasn't sure what Graces expected him to say, he doubted she knew the truth though. "I was too scared to want anything," he answered honestly. "I remember laying in bed once and just hoping beyond hope that someone one day might want me. I never dreamed I could have a girl like you. Never."
Graces let out a sound that was a mix between a laugh and a sob, before sitting up and looking at him. Neville suddenly had a very bad feeling.
"I have to tell you something."
Neville rubbed his hand down half his face. "Okay?"
"Do you remember the night I stabbed you?" Neville nodded. "Do you remember how I gave you my magic?" Another nod and an even greater feeling of dread. "That spell—" Graces continued, gulping down some of her own emotions "—it uses runes, but-but it also uses blood. It was blood magic."
Neville nodded, but still didn't see where this was going. He did know blood magic was illegal, but he could not for the life of him remember why it was, besides the fact that it was considered very dark.
"Blood magic creates a bond when used, a bond between the people involved in the spell."
Now Neville saw where this was going. He stood up from the couch and took a step back. "You think that what we have between us is because of a spell?"
"I don't know," Graces moaned miserably. "Yes? No?"
"Well, which is it?!"
"I don't know!" Graces screamed. "But I thought you should know. It wouldn't be right if you didn't."
"And you think that how you feel for me is because of it as well?"
"I don't really care if it is!" Graces exclaimed. "I'm glad I feel the way I do. I know I should despise myself for these feelings, do my best to stifle them out, but I can't. Merlin knows I have tried to keep away from you, but in the end we are always right back here. I want to be with you, Neville. I know what the cost will eventually be, but I can't just walk away, not without figuring out how I feel."
"Then why tell me this at all?!"
Graces looked up at him despondently. "If I didn't I would deserve you even less than I do now. You should know that what you feel may not be from your heart, but may have been created by me. You might have been able to fall in love with Hannah Abbott if it wasn't for my foolishness. You could have had a wonderful life, with a person who doesn't bring you so much pain, who loves you as easily as you love them," she finished tightly.
Neville bent down before where Graces sat and pried her hands from her face. "Graces, look at me." She shook her head and tried to resist, but he just continued to gently coax her until she was looking down into his face. "It's not a spell. There is no spell powerful enough to mimic love. None. Even love potions just mimic lust. This is not a spell."
"But what if it is? What if—"
"Then I—like you—don't care," Neville stated calmly.
"You will though," Graces moaned miserably. "You will when you want things I can't give you."
"Like what?"
"Like a real life, a family."
"Graces," Neville sighed. "You want that. I just want you. I am content to have this and only this."
"You won't be happy with this forever, Neville," Graces shook. "You can't."
"Yes. I. Can," Neville stressed. "I absolutely can be. Don't think for one second I will ever need more than just this from you. All I want is you in my arms. If the price of that is having to wait for night to fall so you can sneak away to be with me, I consider that a small price to pay."
He was silent for a moment, brushing her hair away to expose her face. "But you, my love, will be the one to want more." He gave her a sad smile. "You want it all and you can't imagine life without everything that you want. Spoiled brat," he teased, kissing a few tears away from her cheek. "I am not going to be the one to announce that I need more, Graces. You will be, and I have known that since the moment this started."
"Neville, I—"
"You will be the one to want a real life," Neville continued. "You're going to be the one to want a family. And when you realize that I can't give it to you, your happiness with me will fade. I won't be angry at you for it either. Just like I am not angry that you can't be with me openly, because it would cost you your family."
"How can you not be angry?" Graces asked indignantly. "How can you be so accepting of this? Why don't you demand different? Ask for what you want, what you need. Why do you have to be so-so—"
"So what?" Neville asked, frowning curiously at Graces frustration.
"Understanding! Self-sacrificing," Graces added, standing from the couch and moving to the other end of the room. "Why haven't you asked me to choose you?"
Neville's frown was now a complete scowl. He finally got up off his knees and opened his mouth to say something, to ask Graces what had gotten into her, but stopped.
"I will never ask you to choose, Graces. Never."
"You know I will eventually have to, have you really never thought to ask me to choose you?"
Neville took a deep breath, before answering he had not.
"Why not?" she asked, her words rough and harsh.
"Because there is no need for you to. Absolutely none! You do not have to choose! This is enough for me, so why would I ask you to sacrifice the life you have now when this is enough?"
"BECAUSE IT SHOULDN'T BE ENOUGH FOR YOU!" Neville took a step back at Graces' outburst and tried to erase the image of his mother's outbursts from his mind. This was not the same, it wasn't. But as he watched Graces fold her arms around herself, digging her fingers into her own skin he realized it was along the same path. And the question of how she could stab herself in the stomach eddied in his mind. "I'm not enough."
"Graces," he murmured gently, moving closer like he was approaching a wild animal. "Graces, come here. Talk to me. What's going on?"
Graces backed away toward the wall and held herself tighter. Neville tried to rationalize Graces' distress, tried to tell himself that she was tired and exhausted, but the more he tried to rationalize it the more he realized how unstable she really was.
"I told my mother about us."
"You did what?" Neville asked, his mind now turning directions to a new set of problems.
"I didn't tell her everything, just enough."
Neville turned away and ran his hands through his hair. His heart was pulsing so fast he felt dizzy. What was 'just enough?'
"She doesn't know it's you," Graces continued, apparently sensing Neville's own fear.
"What does she know?" Neville pressed, turning back around.
"Enough to remind me that I will be disowned. That I will never be seen by my brother and father again. Enough to tell me she will always love me, but I will have to live without her if I choose this." Neville could hear her heart cracking at the memory of those words. "She said I had to choose."
"You. Do. Not." Neville stamped passionately.
"This is not enough for you, Neville," Graces murmured tightly. "It's not. You deserve so much more than this. You should be loved. You should have a person that loves you so much they stand by your side no matter what the cost. You said that you had an idea of what kind of life you wanted for me once, well, I have an idea of what kind of life I want for you. And it's so much more than this. You may be willing to accept this for yourself, but I'm not willing to allow you to."
Neville swallowed the lump building in his throat. "What does this mean? Are you leaving me?"
Graces looked up, her face soaked with tears. "No," Graces said finally, closing her eyes and turning her head away. "At least not now. I meant what I said Neville, I want to find out if—if this is love. And if it is, if it's real, I'm going to choose," she continued her voice breaking on the last word.
"I don't understand."
Graces angrily wiped her eyes and looked up at him. "If I love you, Neville, I am going to be with you." She couldn't be saying what he thought she was saying. Neville stood there trying to decipher other meanings to those words. "If I love you I am going to choose you."
"Graces, I don't want that. I—"
"You deserve that," Graces cut in. "You deserve that. If I love you then we should be together, it shouldn't just end."
"It doesn't have to be a choice, Graces. We can just continue like this, we—"
"For how long?" Graces asked miserably.
"I have faith in us," Neville said passionately. "I have faith that you and I can make this work. We can have floo networks that connect to our homes, you can come and go from my home as you please. You can come be with me every night and wake up next to me every morning. You can go about your day, have lunch with Draco, help raise Octavian, see your mother and have me."
"That's not right, Neville."
"What isn't right about it?" Neville demanded. "We get to be together and you still get to have your family."
"It's a lie. It's poison."
"Are you saying what we have now is toxic?"
"Oh, Neville, you know it is. It's seeping out into our lives, hurting everyone around us. It's hurting you and me too. This isn't healthy. It isn't right. I can't do this for the rest of my life, I can't do this for years even. Draco and I are strangers and every morning when I look in the mirror I don't know who is staring back at me!"
"I need to make a choice, Neville. For my sanity I need to make a choice. I need to know who I am again! I can't lead this double life. I need to choose."
"It's your family," Neville reminded. "You love your family more than anything. You think you don't know who you are now, what are you going to do when you're no longer a Malfoy? When your identity is ripped away from you? What will you do when you can never speak to Draco?"
"I don't know," Graces admitted weakly.
"I do," Neville said, his stance and jaw strong. "You will be miserable, and the love you held for me will not be enough. I will never be able to replace what you lost. I can't. It's impossible, because what you have is rare and precious. You know that. Don't throw that away."
Graces was silent for a while, before moving forward and kissing him softly. "You are rare and precious, Neville Longbottom. Love is rare and precious. I'm not going to rush my decision, but I will make one." Graces closed her eyes and took a breath. "If I choose you, Neville, I won't have anything. I'll have no gold, no name, no—"
"This is madness," Neville seethed, standing up and pacing the floor. "You don't have to choose. I am not asking you to choose! We can just go on like this, or at least go on like this until we graduate! We could—"
"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" Graces screamed, standing up and balling her fists against her side. "This cannot go on, Neville. It can't. Now, I accept that you will not take the mark to be with me. I do; I accept that. But I cannot accept that this is it for us. I won't. If this is love I am not letting it go, and I will not destroy it because I am unwilling to sacrifice for it. So stop trying to tell me I don't have to choose, because I do! I have had to from the very beginning, the difference now is that I see you as a choice."
Neville didn't know what to say. He would be lying if he said that he didn't want this, but as he stood there thinking of what she would give up he found himself wanting to continue arguing.
"Do you not want to be with me like that?"
"Of course I do," he murmured weakly. "I just don't—Graces, I'm not worth that price."
Graces eyes shifted for a moment, before clearing her throat and moving towards him. "That's for me to decide," she whispered gently, putting a hand on his cheek. "I won't make this decision lightly, Neville. If I choose you it will not only be because I love you, it will be because I can't imagine living without you."
"Which brings me to this." She paused for a moment, swallowing some of her own fear. "You said before that-that you weren't ready to be husband and—"
"I'm not," Neville blurted, hoping this wasn't going to where he was thinking. "It doesn't mean I don't want it for someday, but now is—"
Graces held up her hand. "That's fine, Neville, but I need you to realize that I won't have anything. Not a single coin to my name. I won't even have my name. I won't be able to afford—"
"You will be taken care of," Neville broke in, cupping her face in his palms so she was looking at him. "Everything that is mine will be yours." He was so happy, he felt as though his heart would burst from his chest. He wanted to say stupid idiotic things, but held himself back. "And we will eventually get to the point of marriage, Graces. Just—" Neville shrugged, unsure of how to explain himself "—give me time and take your time," he added. "I don't need a decision anytime soon and you don't need to make one quickly. You can change your mind, Graces. If you don't want to do this you don't have to. If you find you love me, but can't give up everything then—"
"Then we will talk about it," Graces broke in, a small smile touching her lips, before it turned sad again. "I won't be able to stay here if I choose you. I'll have to leave."
"Leave?" Neville asked.
"Leave Hogwarts." Neville frowned and waited for an explanation. "I can't stay here if I choose you. I can't. There are things I still can't tell you, Neville. I want to, but I can't. It won't be safe here for me, I'll—"
"We will leave." He could imagine the hell his gran would give him if he left without finishing his education, but in this moment he didn't care. A life with Graces seemed worth the price. She was giving up so much for him, he could give things up as well. They could go to another school, or he could bite the bullet and sell some property to hire private teachers, he didn't care about the cost. He would do it. And judging by the look on Graces face she hadn't expected that he would leave with her.
"You take all the time you need to figure out if you love me, but I don't need time. I love you." He took her hand and for the first time he realized that he may never have to let it go. "And while I would like nothing more than to have you by my side, Graces, I don't need you to be. So remember when you are deciding that your love would be enough. I don't need your life."
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