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Notes: Thank you to all of you who read this. It means so much. Thank you to my newest readers/reviewers. Reviews always make me smile, and makes me almost feel like this is worth doing.

To all you wonderful grammar nazis out there (xD): If it seems like there are a lot of grammatical errors, that's only cuz it's a journal, and journals aren't supposed to be written perfectly. Thanks though, and enjoy!

Roger's Journal: (Don't touch, Mark!)
June 10

Where the hell did May go? I can't even remember when June even started. Time has been going by way too fast... I don't like that. I don't like that at all. It just means I'm getting closer to death. No one knows this, but I'm extremely afraid of dying. I don't wanna die, and I'm not ready to. I may act like it, all tough and macho-y, but it scares the hell out of me. Besides, I don't even know where the fuck someone goes when they die.

I hear people talking about Heaven and Hell, but are they real, or just figments of someone's strange imagination? Or are they somewhere someone created to tell little children to convince them to be good? Who the hell came up with that in the first place? Mark says there's no such thing as Hell. If that's the case then Heaven must be full of lunatics as well as the 'good people'. I asked him where we go if we're evil, and he just shrugged at me. I guess he doesn't know either. He said his mother was the one who told him about it. Must be a Jew thing.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and part of me wants to take the plunge and start up another relationship with Mark, but the frightened little child that still hides within me won't dare let me. The one that knows death is close; practically knocking down the door inside.

I haven't been feeling to well lately either, and well, if I start this relationship with Mark up again, and something happens to me, what's gonna happen to him? He'll be heartbroken yet again, and it'll still be my fault. I can't do that to him. Not again.

Maybe I should just give up on love in the first place. If it wasn't for love I wouldn't even be in this situation. April had come home late one night, the night she was raped, and after a loud scream fest of who could scream louder, me stupidly hitting her across the face, and her smacking me right back, cuz she didn't take my shit, she told me what had happened. I blamed her at first for it, thinking she was selling herself for dope, which in a way she was, but it wasn't really her fault. She told me he had forced her. I, coming down from a high, stopped, blinked, and stared at her, wondering if she was making it up.

She turned her eyes up at me, the saddest look I had ever seen on her face, tears smearing what was left of her makeup, and asked me if I loved her. Mind you, coming off a high like that, you don't always think too clearly, and I gave her the wrong answer. "You know I do. Do I always have to tell you?"

She cried harder, falling to the floor, face in her hands, only smearing her makeup even more. Her makeup that covered the dark circles under her eyes. I knelt beside her, 'comforting' her with a pat on the back, and a slight hug, not quite holding her like I should have. She pushed me away, and stood up, making her way to the bathroom to clean up her face. Mark was home that night and had heard everything, and had chosen to stay out of sight until the morning.

We ended up making up the next day, in more ways that one. I never really believed her story about her dealer, but I went along with it, thinking hell, at least she can get more smack. We spent that entire day together in our bedroom, getting high, and having a shitload of sex. Fun was all we cared about that day.

Well, about a week later, April wasn't in bed when I woke up, and I thought maybe she was in the kitchen making something to eat, or in the living room smoking a cigarette. I had gotten out of bed, peered out into the living room...empty. Mark and Maureen were in their room still sleeping, Collins was already out; probably at work, and I made my way to the kitchen first, expecting to see her standing there, making a bowl of cereal for breakfast, but she wasn't there either.

I went to the bathroom, did my usual morning routine, and continued to wonder where she was. I knew she didn't have to work that day, and was curious why she left so early in the morning. The rest of that day I spent waiting for her to return. Thoughts of infidelity ran through my mind. Hell, she and Maureen were best friends. If one could do it, why couldn't the other?

All day I waited for her… I saw Mark leave for a day of filming, I saw Maureen go, probably went to see her latest lover; some poor sap she'd been screwing… he, though of course we found out later was a she, didn't even know about Mark. Collins hadn't come home from work yet, and Benny had moved out that day. He'd been out all morning with Alison Grey, and they were planning on getting married, and he was moving in with her. I remember Alison…

So, I sat on the floor, fine tuning a few songs my band the Well Hungarians would be playing that night for a gig when she finally made her entrance. I glanced up at her, and she had this look of horror on her face. I was too angry with her to ask what was wrong, so I ignored her. She ran up to me, wrapping her arms around my neck, and just started crying. I didn't wanna hear it, so I shoved her off of me, stood up, and went to our room. She followed me, completely hysterical. I couldn't understand a word she was trying to say to me. I just told her to shut up. I didn't wanna hear about her latest escapade with her dealer.

She kept trying to tell me something, but her sobs were too much, and all her words sounded like she had marbles in her mouth. I finally pushed her away, pushing her out of the room, telling her I wanted to be alone, and closed the door in her face. I was pissed. I had thought she was just trying to make up for fucking around on me. I didn't know. I didn't know she had gone to the clinic that morning. Gone to get herself checked out, finding out she… we were HIV positive. If I had known… If only I had listened to her. Calmed her down, and got her to tell me without sobbing. We could've handled it together.

Instead, I set myself up with a hit, and took it. I got high, as she went into the bathroom, probably staring at herself in the mirror, contemplating what to do with her life. She couldn't talk to me. I wouldn't listen. I was too fucking stubborn, and too fucked up to care. All I could think about was her fucking her dealer for more of the shit that was killing me. I didn't know she was taking my razor apart. I had heard the bathtub running, and figured she was gonna clean herself up and try telling me again what she was trying to tell me earlier. I thought wrong.

A few hours later, as I was coming down, I started to wonder where the hell she was. I checked the living room… there was no one there. I checked the kitchen… again no one. I checked the fire escape… where was everyone? I saw that the bathroom door was still closed, and figured she probably fell asleep in the bathtub. I knocked on the bathroom door. Not a peep. I called to her. Still nothing. I open the door…

So, the first time I ever saw Mimi was at the Cat Scratch Club. Mark, Maureen, Collins, April, and I all went there for some fun one night. I wanted to drink, she wanted to dance, Collins was checking out the queens, and Mark and Maureen, well, they did there own thing. Maureen was all over him, giving him her version of a lap dance. He didn't seem to mind.

The show started not to long after we got there, and the name of the girl dancing on the bar was announced. She danced against the bar very sexily, and a few times April would slap me in the arm for staring. I couldn't help it, she was hot. Hell, even April thought she was hot.

She pulled out a pair of handcuffs from her top, which wasn't much to begin with, and slapped them on her wrists. She then pulled out a lawn chair from behind the stage, and straddled it. She danced around with the lawn chair, which first of all, who dances with a lawn chair? Eh, it didn't matter. It was still really fucking hot. I asked April if she'd ever dance like that for me, and she smacked my arm again.

One thing I noticed about the girl dancing on stage that night was she looked awfully young. I didn't think she looked much older than sixteen. If that. That was two nights after what had happened with April's dealer. I had been there before with Mark, Collins, and Benny, and remembered Benny used to hit on Mimi. I never thought anything of it then cuz she used to turn him down. A few times Benny was caught flirting with some of the queens. He swore up and down he didn't know she was a he, but it was fucking hilarious.

Who would have ever thought that the same thing that happened to April happened to Mimi. Sex for drugs. Hell, I was even desperate enough at one point that I would've probably let him do that to me too. He used to come on to me. Whenever I'd go with April to get some smack, or I'd go alone he'd ask me if I wanted to blow him instead of paying him with cash. Honestly, a few times I thought about it, but each time I turned him down. It wasn't cuz he was a man, it was cuz I knew he'd find a way to humiliate me.

What should I do? Should I just give in to Mark again? Is it worth it? Is it worth the heartache and pain he'll have to go through someday? And having sex with him won't be the same. It'll never be the same. Besides, I haven't been with a man since him. I don't know if I even want to. In a way I do, but I just don't know if it should be Mark. Not with this. Not with all the shit I've already put him through. He's been through enough with me. Heartbreak, drugs, loss, withdrawals, my anger… I've just put him through way too much shit to put him through that again. He doesn't deserve that kind of pain. He deserves someone who'll treat him the way he should be treated. Someone who can love him whole-heartedly, and not die on him before he's even thirty.

This is just too fucking difficult…

I'm ready to just give up. I'm not talking about killing myself, but leaving, and for good this time. Not like last time when I left then turned right around a came back. I mean leave… him, the city, this so-called life. It's time for a change. The only problem is I'm too fucking chicken to do it. What I have now is safe. What I have now is… security. I know Mark will take care of me, and if I leave I won't have anyone. I need some advice. I wish Angel were still alive. She always knew what to say, and how to make me feel better. I miss him…