I can't stop forgetting.
I can't remember you, James, just your voice, accusing me. Accusing me of betraying you, betraying Lily and Harry.
Little Harry, so innocent and unaware of the war. And now he'll never forget. Unlike me.
Yes, James, I know you had black hair. I know you had hazel eyes. I know you weren't as tall as me, and you were a great Quidditch player. Knowing isn't the same as remembering, though. Lily had red hair, didn't she? And blue eyes… or was it green? I can't remember.
I can't remember anything, any more.
No, that's a lie. I remember my family: every little detail.
I remember the time I thought I would be transferred into Slytherin.
I remember the time I nearly killed Snape and Remus wouldn't speak to me for days, weeks, maybe months… time isn't my strong point any more. It was a long time, anyway. Too long.
I remember every one of Remus' transformations, and not being able to do anything. I hated feeling so helpless.
I remember coming to your house at Halloween, and finding-
I can't even think it. Well, the first step of recovery is acceptance, isn't it?
-finding the Dark Mark, finding the house in ruins, finding you and Lily dead, finding Hagrid and not being allowed to take Harry. I was his godfather!
And I remember Peter blowing up a street, shouting that I had betrayed you, condemning me to however many years of Azkaban it's been now and getting away. He escaped, James, and I didn't do anything! I let him go! I'm hopeless. Utterly hopeless.
So they shut me up in Azkaban, minus trial, and I've been here for who knows how long. Too long.
Every single night I hear your voice, James. I hear Remus' screams as he transformed. I hear Peter screaming that I betrayed you. Every single night, and the sounds go right through me. Torture.
I'm sorry, James. Sorry that I didn't have the courage or the confidence to be your Secret-Keeper; sorry that I didn't realise Peter was the spy; sorry that I gave you and Lily and Harry to him.
Can you forgive me? I don't blame you if you don't. It was all my fault.
Thanks, S-shu, I've corrected it now.
Thankyou to my other reviewers, too. I do love getting reviews:D