Glaring at herself in the mirror of the women's restroom, Temperance Brennan knew that if she could have, she would have submerged her entire head under the water faucet!
What the hell was she doing?
As if today hadn't proved to be groundbreaking enough…she'd faced most ALL of her demons in the last 24 hours…
Fear of self-loathing…check!
Fear of intimacy…check!
Fear of motherhood…check! Check! CHECK!
Since when had Christmas become such hard work?
Bending down over the running faucet Temperance flushed her face with two handfuls of water. When she turned off the faucet she reached over for a paper towel and dabbed at the drops on her face.
Staring back up at her reflection her thoughts returned to Booth's little boy…Poor Parker… She knew he hadn't meant anything forward by what he'd said; he was simply expressing his excitement in the moment. It was a completely natural response for a four-year old to act on impulse.
And more than that she knew she should be touched that Parker felt so comfortable with her after only having known her for a few short hours.
Besides…she wanted Booth's son to like her…
Didn't she?
Yes! Of course she did.
Not that that would have been something that she would have easily admitted to herself before today; but it was true nonetheless.
So what was the problem? Why was she huddled in on herself in the women's restroom like she was hiding from a hit squad?
She posed the question, and yet she knew exactly why.
Because she could spend the rest of her life traveling to the ends of the Earth identifying the remains of hundreds of corpses…but nothing scared her like the thought of being needed by somebody else.
…Let alone by a four-year-old little boy.
But what drove that fear?
Was it that she thought herself incapable of taking care of somebody else? Was it fear that she wouldn't be able to handle such a relationship?
No…she didn't think so…
She wasn't an emotional infant!
So then what was it?
Was it…could it be…
"Fear that I'd leave them…like Mom and Dad left me…," She spoke the words for no one but herself, and yet the knowledge hung in the air, electrified the space all around her.
She'd suffered too long, and fought too hard all of these years to establish some sense of normalcy after what happened to her parents.
She knew how it felt…
Brennan cringed in on herself at the thought that she might ever be able to inflict such pain. Whether it be against a child…or a…a partner, a husband…a family…
Yes, these were things that she'd always run from…yet they'd always remained desires that she could neither ignore nor escape…
And suddenly, confined within the walls of the ladies restroom of Wong Fu's restaurant, Temperance Brennan finally acknowledged the truth she'd been running from. That all these years she'd used the incompatibility of her career with a family as a crutch, an excuse to explain why she'd never be able to indulge in the basest of human desires…
…A family of her own…
But it was an unrealistic fear…
…Wasn't it?
Didn't every day bring with it the possibility that it might be her last?
Hadn't her career taught her at least that?
…That regardless of who we are, or what our status in life, or however well we try to guard against it…our own mortality IS inevitable…one way or another…we all end up just another pile of bones…
The shock of her realization hit her hard. And suddenly she felt lightheaded, weary, and also…a little ill.
She had to make this right.
It was finally time to stop running.
It's now or never.