Her Gift – Her Curse

A/N: Sorry for the utterly rubbish last chapter – I'm so surprised I still got eleven reviews! Hopefully this chapter makes up for the past one. Enjoy!

-×Chapter Four×-

I was wandering around the castle grounds, when I spotted James… with a girl… and they were kissing…

I felt tears sting in my eyes, but I blinked them away. I'd seen him kissing girls before, this time should be no different, but it was. This time, I thought he actually liked me. I cursed myself for being so stupid. I spun on my heel and walked away as fast as my legs could take me. I didn't run. Running would make me look like I was hurt, and I couldn't show that.

I heard James's voice call me, but I didn't stop walking. Why was he calling me? Was he angry that I upset his snogging session? I felt more tears sting at my eyes, but I simply refused to let them fall. I felt a hand grab my wrist and I was forced to turn around. The first thing I saw was the deep brown orbs that belonged to James. I quickly averted my gaze before I saw his expression. I didn't want to look at him.

"Sorry I interrupted your-" I began.

"No, I'm sorry… she means nothing to me, really, she just came onto me and I guess I just…" he had cut me off, but he didn't finish his sentence. I looked at him. My expression was cool, but my heart was thumping. He truly looked apologetic. His eyes were desperately telling me to believe him. I didn't know what to believe, but I did know one thing.

"There's nothing for you to be sorry for, and you don't need to explain anything. There's nothing between us, and there never will be. Goodbye, James." I said to him, then once again, spun on my heel, and walked away. I was void of any expression, but my heart had just shattered – it was like I was breaking up with him, when we hadn't even begun, but I had to say it. It was the best opportunity to leave him, to tell him to leave me alone – to get lost. It was as if fate had just stepped in, and gave me the perfect way out.

I had never wanted to do that, but I needed to, to protect him. Maybe some day I would regret my decision, and wish that I had never 'given him up', but right now, what I had to do was clearer than crystal. I hated myself for saying that to him, but yet I loved myself for it too. I needed him, and that's why I couldn't have him.

I needed to see his drop-dead-gorgeous smile every day. I needed to see him mess up his messy locks of ebony every day. I needed to see him prank anyone and everyone for amusement, so I needed to stay away from him. I couldn't put him in danger because of me. Sure, there was no proof that my secret had gotten out, but what if it had? And I was with James? Voldemort's first victim would be him – the man that I loved. The man whose life I valued so much more than my own.

I could die, and I wouldn't give a damn in the world about it, but if he died because of me, or if anyone I loved died because of me, then I would kill myself. I would never forgive myself, because in a way, I would have murdered them.

Some day, if James really liked me, he would thank me for what I just did. It may have been short-term painful, but it would have probably saved his life in the long-run. Besides, what proof was there that James actually liked me?

-×-

I was lying on my bed, thinking. I had walked straight to my dorm after what had happened. I didn't turn back to see if James was still standing there. I was too scared to. I was too scared that I would accidentally-on-purpose run back to him, begging him that I hadn't mean to say it all, but there was his safety to think about, along with my pride.

James had come and went too suddenly. Was it just all only a dream? A forever dreamt about dream? I pinched myself, and it hurt. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks. Maybe I had just lost the best thing that had ever happened to me, but at least now he'd leave me alone to my own thoughts and pain. At least now, I could return to watching and loving him from afar.

Before, it was so easy to not be noticed by anyone, but since James had noticed me, and since I had become Head Girl, a lot more people came to me, whether it was just a student coming to say 'hello', or a prefect asking for help, people still came to me. I wanted so badly for life to go back to the way it was before. Before my seventh year, when James never knew I existed.

But now, I had a hole in my heart – a hole that was once filled by James. Watching him would be different from now on. I can no longer watch him, and think 'wow… how lucky I would be if I was his girlfriend', because I had ruined that chance. And I hated myself for it. Even if it was for his protection, I still hated myself for it. I hated myself for having this cursed 'gift'.

My heart was shattered, and nothing would be able to piece it back together. I heard voices chatting along the corridor. Dinner must be over. I was glad I only saw him during dinner, when there was hardly anybody about. I hated 'scenes', and I hated them worse if I created one, which I was glad I never did. If I was to yell at someone, I'd do it in private. I hated being noticed. I hated it with all my heart.

More tears slid down my cheeks as I thought about what I had said to James. It was harsh, I know, but there was no other way. I guessed it wouldn't be too bad anyway. He had never told me he'd liked me. Sure, he'd leant down to kiss me before, but that was probably just his mistake. We never spoke about it afterwards; in fact, we acted like it never happened. Maybe we could do the same for this, but I knew we couldn't. At least, I couldn't. If he'd forgotten about it, I'd have to remind him. My heart was shattering into smaller pieces as I thought about all the sorrow I'd had to go through. This was the worst yet. Maybe, if fate was still with me, he'd forget about me, move on, and forget anything and everything that had happened between us, yet I couldn't help but think that this was affecting him just as much as it was me.

James couldn't understand it. Did Lily just turn him down? Did a girl just turn him down? Sure, she'd done it before, but this was different. Last time, she'd just ran away from him without a word, straight to her dorm, but maybe she was just tired, but this time… her words… they had hurt him.

She had been the first girl to ever deny him… and she'd done it twice.

James just stood there, dumbstruck. The girl he'd just pulled into a deep kiss walked up to him and touched his arm anxiously. James was angry. How dare a girl turn him down… twice?!

James brushed her away roughly, and stalked away. Her amber eyes flared fiercely…

-×-

The doors to the great hall flung open to reveal none other, than a furious James Potter. He had the attention of everyone, but one glare and they all turned back to what they had been doing, be it talking, or eating. Even the teachers didn't want to tell him off for such a rude entrance for the look in his eyes told anyone not to mess with him.

He flung himself down by the Marauders, and began to shove as much food in his mouth as it could handle. His three best friends watched in amazement, and amusement.

"Evans giving you a hard time, Prongs?" Sirius snickered. "Let me guess, she isn't 'begging for your love'?"

Remus couldn't hide a smirk, and Peter looked horrified that he might just loose 40 galleons.

James was not in any mood to be teased, but as much as he hated to admit it, Sirius was right. His plan had failed. Things weren't supposed to end this way! And, without knowing it, he had chewed and eaten his way through more than all the Marauders ate…put together! Yes, that was how angry he was. In fact, he wasn't truly angry. His emotions towards Lily had also consisted amusement, shock, and respect.

No girl had ever turned him down before. She was the first. He had to admit, he respected her a lot for doing so, but this just meant that he'd try even harder to make her tell him she loves him. Usually, girls only took two hours to give in. The maximum amount of time was two days before, but now, things may just be changing. He needed another plan to get her. Jealousy hadn't worked. The 'knight in shining armour' hadn't worked either, besides, that was supposed to be a bonus to the jealousy.

Surely she should have loved him after that, then when she saw him kissing… whatever-her-name-was, she should have spilled out how much she loved him, especially since he'd 'saved' her… What could he do now? He didn't know, but he knew what he couldn't do, and that was to give up on this. He'd suddenly realised that it wasn't a mere prank anymore. Lily Evans was a challenge. A challenge which, in the end, he will win. Surely she couldn't resist for much longer?

The bell rang for the end of dinner. James's plate, which had been filled to the rim with food, vanished, along with everything on it. He was stressed out, but pigging out wouldn't help him get rid of his stress. No, but a girl would. It may even help him think of another way to get Lily.

James's mind began to wander. He barely heard his friend's comments to him and about him. He was busy searching for the brown-haired beauty that he had been with when Lily saw them. Then he spotted her, walking out of the hall. He rushed to catch her. And he did. Ten minutes later, they were in a secluded classroom…

-×-

"What is up with Prongs? He's been dazed out since he came in here. Do you think he really failed to get Evans?" Sirius asked as they saw James run out of the hall, after they'd called him at least five times.

Remus grinned. "I doubt it. From the way he was chasing that brunette, I'd guess he'd already managed Evans, and is now moving on to a new target. They should be snogging each other senseless in a broom cupboard somewhere by now."

Sirius smirked as they all left the hall. "You think we should go comfort Evans?" he asked, but Remus shook his head.

"No, she's Head Girl- ("Yeah, how could we forget? You only remind us every two seconds!" Sirius joked) -would you stop cutting in? It's very rude you know. (Sirius hung his head and stuck out his bottom lip in mock shame) Oh Sirius, stop that! (More grinning from Sirius) …Anyways!!! As I was saying, she's Head Girl. She would know how to take care of herself. Besides, wouldn't you rather be planning on what colour you're going to turn Snape's skin next?"

At this, Sirius's eyes lighted up. "Hey! You're right!"

Peter laughed along as they walked back up to the Gryffindor common room. It was 7:00 p.m., and they had a mass of homework, but Sirius didn't care. He was too busy planning what colour Snape's hair or eyes clashes with most. Remus sometimes grinned in Sirius's direction every time he thought of something new to do to the Slytherin, but otherwise, he had his nose buried under his homework, and it was likewise with Peter.

Peter wasn't very smart, or if he was, he didn't show it. He was almost at the bottom of all of his classes. It was a wonder how he got into the top level ones in the first place, but with the rest of the Marauders, it was a different story.

They were naturally smart. It was only Remus who tried more than the others, being mainly a sensitive and caring guy, and basically the opposite from Sirius. James and Sirius were as close as brothers. They practically shared a brain, and looks, thus the reason they were usually surrounded by girls, only did their homework the morning it's due in (usually copied off Remus), and were as carefree as carefree could be.

"Remus?" Peter squeaked from his seat. Remus nodded in acknowledgement that he had heard him, but did not raise his head from his book. "Um… help?"

Remus looked up. His mouth twitched. Sirius also looked in Peter's direction, but unlike Remus, he couldn't contain his laughter. Peter was covered in slime that was slowly turning his hair florescent pink – his potion had messed up…again. The colour totally clashed with his skin. That's when Sirius yelled, "I've got it!"

I was back to doing my homework. I was sat neatly at my desk. My thoughts were away from what had happened today. Homework keeps me occupied. I looked up at my clock. It was getting to nine o'clock. Almost time to patrol the corridors. I often did this alone. James never helped, but I didn't mind. It was nice walking around in solitude. I hated being alone, but it calmed me. I was usually so serene when I was on my own. I always got nervous when I was around others. That was why I never spoke unless asked, never moved unless told to, never did anything without someone else ordering me to do so first.

I wasn't a pushover. I just hated being around people – people who I could've easily got along with, because it was my one fear: getting along with people. I couldn't get along with them. It wasn't permitted; I wouldn't permit it. I knew I should go easy on myself, but I'd already gone too easy on myself.

-×-

I was walking silently along the corridors, looking around to catch anyone who was still out of bed. I was on the fifth corridor, when I heard a noise coming from a broom cupboard. Looks like there still are people up… I hated disrupting snogging sessions, but it was my job. I was getting closer… and closer… then, suddenly, two figures burst out, and ran off at top speed.

"Hey!" I yelled, desperately trying to run and catch them. It was rather dark. I couldn't see them clearly, but I saw that one was male, and the other was female, and the girl had brown hair.

I was bad at running. I had never been very sporty. I was just a bookworm. I'd chased them until I could chase no longer. They had turned a corner, and I didn't want to follow any more. I knelt down, panting and out of breath. I was pretty lenient with my punishments. If I had caught those two, I'd only have taken off ten points for each of them. No detentions or anything, but if they got away, it didn't matter much anyway.

I turned to leave, when I heard a voice whisper, "You think she's gone yet, James?" My eyes widened. James?!

The whisper was not returned, but I heard a hand clasp onto a mouth, shushing it. I wanted to leave, I really did, but my feet were frozen to the spot. I couldn't leave. Not without knowing if that was the same James that I'd spent six years liking. I stood there, my gaze fixated on the wall that separated the two students and I. My breathing was silent, and it seemed that the two hidden figures thought I'd left, for one of them stepped out from behind that wall, curiously looking over, then, they froze.

It was James. My eyes were wider now, but not with shock, but disbelief and anger. A Head Boy out after hours?! He was supposed to set an example. My eyes narrowed to slits.

"I'd have expected better from a Head Boy." I told him, my voice shaking slightly. "But then again, what should I expect from a Marauder?" I continued as his after-hour-fling also came from behind the wall. It was the same girl he was kissing earlier. My stomach bubbled with more anger, but this was a different anger. I just couldn't quite put my finger on it.

"Ten points from Gryffindor and ten points from…" I looked at the girl questioningly, waiting for her to answer her house. She looked downcast, and muttered a feeble "Gryffindor". I raised an eyebrow. "And a further ten points from Gryffindor then." I sighed, and then walked straight past them, like they didn't exist. I walked past James without looking back. He hadn't looked me in the eye for the whole of that incident. It was almost as if he was embarrassed, but he couldn't have been.

James Potter, along with Sirius Black were well known for their 'flings'. No girl lasted more than a week with them, and they'd go around broadcasting about who their latest one had been, so why did James have hints of red on his cheeks? I finished patrolling the rest of my assigned area, and then quickly walked back to my dorm only to find James in there, waiting for me.

"Look, Lily, I'm sorry about what happened, okay?" he looked sincere. I smiled at him. "Sorry, James, but an apology is not good enough to get those points back for Gryffindor. It was only twenty points anyway; surely it would be earned back easily. Don't worry, I'm not dishing out detentions, and I won't tell Dumbledore-" but I could speak no further, for something soft pressed onto my lips.

My lips were on fire, and I was in shock, but that didn't stop me from pulling back from what I knew wasn't right. My eyes were downcast and squeezed tightly shut, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Lily… I…" James began. I couldn't see his expression, but by the tone of his voice, he sounded sorry. I turned away; my back was now facing him.

"Please… please leave…" I said. My voice was definitely shaking, and I didn't bother to hide it. I was angry, furious even, but most of all, I was scared. That one kiss took everything I'd ever believed in, and flushed it down the drain.

"Lily, look, I'm so sor-"

"No." I said. "No, you're not. If you were, you wouldn't have done that. Please leave…Potter." The first tear fell down my face. I heard footsteps leave the room. I heard the bathroom door close. I knew James had left. Only then did I collapse into a heap on the floor. Only then did I let the tears I'd been holding in, out. Only then, did I realise how much the kiss really affected me.

It had been my first kiss, and I'd have more than anything loved for it to be with him, but not under the same circumstances. It had been what I'd always fantasized about – being with James Potter, but when fantasy became a reality, I just didn't know how to cope with it. The one kiss… it was… amazing, yet wrong. I hated that kiss, but I loved it more.

I hated how much it was affecting me, because I knew that from now on, I'd probably never be able to control my emotions again when I was with him, and I couldn't let that happen – I mustn't. If he knew I liked him, he would never leave me be, and that was the way it had to be. I had to be alone. It wasn't a matter of whether I wanted to or not, it was a must. I didn't want to put him through pain, through danger, through the same things that I'd been through. If I was with him, I would have to tell him my secret sooner or later, and I couldn't do that. It was against the rules – my rules, my gift's rules.

I was never a rule breaker, and I wasn't going to start now. I would have to avoid him for all I'm worth, and hopefully, he'd avoid me back, after all, I'd called him 'Potter'. That one word that had come out of my mouth was the one word I'd feared saying most, because I knew I'd have lost anything and everything between us. My heart had now completely shattered, but maybe it was better that way.

If I'd made it clear that there was nothing, and there would never be anything between us, he may leave me to wallow in self pity and disgust at myself. Yes, I was disgusted at myself for what I did; hurting him like that, but he had hurt me too. Surely we were equal now? But no, we would never be equal. He had so much more than me. It wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair, and I hated it.

This never would have happened if it wasn't for that brunette he was with, but I guess it was for the best, even if it hurt people in the process – me, more than anybody else. I didn't know exactly how much I'd hurt James. I couldn't see his face, thus, couldn't see his expression, and look deep into his eyes to see what his real emotions were, but I knew I would have hurt him, even if it was just a little, for something had always told me, right from the start, that the reason for James liking me were deeper than it seemed, but I could never put my finger on it. If only I knew the truth…

James walked into his Head Boy's dorm silently. On the surface, he looked so calm, so careless, but inside, his heart was thumping harder than it'd ever thumped before. He closed the bathroom door behind him, and looked around his room.

It wasn't dusty. The house-elves had obviously been there, but he could care less. His was dazed out, and deep in thought, but it didn't show on the outside. He slumped onto his bed. He would sleep here tonight – without distractions from the Marauders, and their bombarding questions. He would stay here tonight to be calm and sort himself out.

He breathing was short, and he was extremely out of breath, but why? He didn't get it. Why did he apologise for kissing Lily? He had never apologised in his life and meant it, yet his first real 'sorry' was never completed, for Lily wouldn't listen. In fact, his first apology was to a girl. A girl! Where had his pride gone? But somewhere deep down, he knew his pride was not so important right now.

He had kissed Lily Evans, the girl that had never been out with a boy before, let alone been kissed. James was her first kiss. He couldn't help but feel a guilty pit in his stomach that he had kissed her for the wrong reasons, but he had tried to apologise, hadn't he? He had given up his Potter's pride for her, and what does she do? Throw it away.

James couldn't help but feel a little angry at her, but he knew he had no right to. He had hurt her… he had tried to get to know her, to get her to like him, all for a prank. James couldn't believe he went this low. He had done it before, but it was different. They never meant anything. They had all switched boyfriends like they changed their underwear, but Lily was different. He could see it in her enticing emerald eyes.

Yes, those eyes were the most amazing eyes he'd ever seen. They had actually caught his eye back in the first year, but he pushed those feelings aside. He forgot about them, thus never got to know them, but now, he had met again with those eyes, but this time, it was a mistake to. If he had just kept away, he wouldn't have been entranced by them. He wouldn't have been so hypnotised by them that he had kissed the lady that those eyes had belonged to, but unlike his other kisses, this one had been from deep within his heart.

It had been his heart crying out to him for him to kiss her. He had to kiss her. He couldn't control it any longer. He had fallen for those eyes all over again, but nobody would understand him, and that he was serious about her. They would all think that she was another one of his toys that would be new for a while, then thrown away. They wouldn't understand that he really liked those eyes. They wouldn't understand how he was really feeling, especially not her.

She would never believe him if he told her he had liked her, especially not after what he did. He knew he had blown it… big time. He knew it from the second she had called him 'Potter'. The word had cut a hole inside him in the chest area.

He had acted so smug towards her, the same way he had acted to every other girl he'd been with, but every time he saw her, his heart would speed up, and his stomach would do a back-flip. Nobody would have guessed this about him though. He hid it well. Too well, actually. So well that it almost scared him how well he could cover up his feelings. He guessed that this was how he managed to get through the years at Hogwarts, having glimpses out of the corner of his eye of Lily every now and then.

He had noticed that Lily always seemed to be staring at him, but it wasn't a mean glare. It was almost like… like she maybe… liked him. He loved that thought, that the red-haired, emerald-eyed beauty had been watching him since the first year. He had almost fallen in love with that thought, but he couldn't. He knew that she secluded herself. He had seen many guys ask her out, and he had almost wanted to rip their heads off, but he controlled himself. He had controlled his anger, and had almost jumped for joy every time he saw her turn them down, yet he knew that he would have the same fate if he was to do the same, so he wouldn't.

He had his pride to think about. In his past years, everything had been about pride, pranks, and pretty girls, but now, things were different. He had really liked Lily, and when she agreed that he could call her that, he felt like doing ten extra laps around the Quidditch pitch in delight, but he had just ruined that.

He ran a hand through his hair. He was so confused. He hadn't felt this way in a long while. Not since his eyes first met with her emerald-green ones back in the first year, but he knew that whatever it was, he would not be able to hide it any longer. Maybe he could try and befriend her again. He hated the thought of her disliking him… he would really hate that. He would probably hate that even more than his utter loathing of Snape, and that was saying something.

He would try to win her back. Tomorrow, he would try to make friends with her again. He would make it known to everyone, especially her, that he wasn't just about pride and prejudice; he was more than that. And he would prove it to her by doing something no-one, not even him, would ever dream of it happening: he would apologise to her in front of the whole school…

-×-

A/N: For those of you who think I put the brunette that James was kissing in there for no reason, boy are you wrong! She comes in again later! Hehe. Oh, and this is my longest chapter yet!!! Go me!!! Haha.

Thank you SO much to those who still reviewed for my last chapter!!! I'm actually even more surprised that there wasn't any criticism, only nice comments! Wow! You guys rule!

LiviSmith Greengoldfish1 IceSugarHigh chibi-chan popppincorn Charmed luver222 Lanette papaya mango missminty Hannah Smiles27

Thank you for reviewing! And thank you anyway if you actually took the time to read my last chapter.

Personally, I think this chapter is a lot better. What do you think? A review would be very much appreciated. :)

-3 Always,

-Cryst

AKA LivingDreams

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