Her Gift – Her Curse

A/N: Oh My Goodness! I cannot believe how many reviews I got! I was only expecting sixty altogether (five more than my last one), or sixty-five at the most, but when I checked… boy did my jaw drop! Thank you's at the bottom!!! By the way, can any one tell me when Lily's birthday is? Or shall I just make it up by what date I believe it should be?

-×Chapter Five×-

I woke up and James was all that was on my mind. The kiss had been replayed over and over in my dreams and each time it did, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened between us if I hadn't pulled back and asked him to leave.

I was glad I didn't have a vision last night. It would have been too much to cope with at once, and I was only a seventeen-year-old girl. I was sure I'd go insane if I continued to have those visions, but it was my fate – my destiny, which I would have to fulfil, even if it cost me my life.

From the day I realised what was to become of me, I had my whole life mapped out: I would grow up, friendless and lonely, and I would see. I would see everything that Voldemort would be planning, or would be doing, and I would become an Auror, and the day I died, I would die in the hands of Lord Voldemort, for he would somehow find out my secret, and kill me.

There was nothing in this world for me. Nothing until the day I saw his deep brown eyes from afar, gazing at me. For the moment our eyes met, I knew it would be my first crush. Funny, isn't it, that my first crush would be my first kiss, but my first living nightmare?

Yes, it was a nightmare to me. He had opened doors inside of me that I had locked and thrown away the keys to with that one kiss. With that kiss, he had unlocked my deepest fears. With that kiss, he had unlocked my emotions of love. All my life I had been told… almost taught to keep my emotions to myself, never let any show, and to live a life of solitude, but with that one kiss, it had all vanished.

I raised a hand to my lips where James's had touched them. Those lips had been tainted with the kisses of a thousand girls, yet they were still so fresh and full of love…or was it lust? Was it just his infatuation that brought his lips down to cover mine? My eyes clouded over with sadness. Was that it? Just lust? Was that the reason he had kissed me? And was he expecting much more than just a kiss?

I hated to think that James would be one to play me like that, but with his past reputation, I didn't think I would be any different. If only I had been able to see the look in his eyes after the kiss, then maybe I could have seen some of the hidden emotion inside of him.

My heart was still shattered, but as I thought of him only playing me, it almost split into smaller pieces. A lonely tear rolled down my cheek, but I rubbed it off immediately. I can't let this happen to me – I won't. I will do my best to re-build those barriers. Whatever happens, I will try my best, because I knew that from the moment I let them down, I would be hurt. Especially if I let them down to a boy… to James.

My mother had once told me when I was younger 'No boy is worth your tears, but when you find one that is worth them, he won't let you cry'. I was only eleven, and I didn't know what she meant, but now I do. James had made me cry… does that mean he's not worth it? Or was it not him that made me cry…? Was it…me?

My thoughts were a mess as I walked up to the bathroom, and pulled open the door. I drowned my thoughts in the shower, and didn't get out until an hour later. Thank Merlin I had woken at 5 a.m., but I guessed that was due to the lack of sleep because of last night. I finished washing and brushing, and walked out of the bathroom back to my dorm with only a towel on. I closed the door behind me. I had finished dressing, when I heard a click behind me.

I spun around. I knew where that 'click' had come from – the bathroom lock! It meant that James was there… James had slept in the Head Boy's dorm last night? I hadn't even realised! I thanked Merlin once more when I realised that I had not locked the door during my shower because I had thought James went back to the Gryffindor dorms. He never slept in the Head Boy's dorms. I was now curious what was going on, but I didn't want to ask him and risk an awkward moment.

It was 6:30, and I needed to touch up on some homework before breakfast. I sat down at my desk, and pulled out my Transfiguration book. I was never good at that subject to begin with, but I once spent seven hours non-stop of learning it during my first year, thus helping me to improve greatly. Half an hour later, I was pleased with my end result. I placed all my books in my bag, and set off for breakfast.

-×-

"Prongs, where were you last night?" I heard Sirius ask. The Marauders, minus Remus, were sitting only a few seats away from me. "Who's the new girl?" he continued. The words made my stomach churn, and I began to feel rather sick. I knew he was in the Head Boy's dorm last night… but who with, exactly, I didn't know, and neither did I want to.

"No-one. And I was in the Head Boy's dorm. I just… felt like staying there for once in my entire existence, you know, to see what it'd be like… and it was darn comfortable too! The bed was so soft… the duvets so warm…" I heard James reply. He continued to describe the indescribable comfort the Head dorms could bring, but I tuned him out. I promised that I would seclude myself more than before, and listening in on other people's conversations was not on the top of the 'how to seclude yourself' list.

I continued with my toast, when I heard James mutter, "So… full moon tomorrow. How's he holding?"

I knew exactly what they meant, and who they were talking about, after all, you don't go observing a guy without observing his friends a little as well. The full moon would be so beautiful. I know it would. I'd always loved full moons. I hadn't known why. Sometimes, I would stare out of my window for hours upon end, just staring up at the moon and stars, lighting up the darkness outside.

I felt sorry for Remus, for he had probably never managed to admire the true beauty of a full moon. Yes, that's who they were talking about – Remus, for he was a werewolf. I knew how he would always disappear at around this time of the month, claiming to be visiting his 'sick grandmother'. I knew how he always went through a passage beneath the Whomping Willow to get to the Shrieking Shack – where he would stay whilst fully transformed.

The tree was placed there for him – because of him, so that he could attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, so that the could get the education that he had always wanted, but was always denied elsewhere because of his condition. It was to keep other students away from the tunnel, and finding out about him, for whenever anyone got near it, it would lash out, but I knew that if you hit a small switch at the bottom of the trunk, the tree would stable itself, and allow people to get close to it.

I knew how the Marauders accompanied him once a month, in illegal Animagus forms, for I'd often seen them when I was gazing outside my window. I never told anybody about this. There was nobody to tell, and I didn't think that they would appreciate it very much if I had done so.

I admired them – their friendship, their bond, their everything. It was the sole thing that I dearly wanted, but could not have. I admired how much they cared for each other – that they even changed into illegal forms (James – a stag, Sirius – a black dog, Pettigrew – a rat, who would scurry underneath the Willow's branches to flip the switch) to help their dear friend through his time of trouble each month. How I wanted friends like that, to help me through my painful visions, but I couldn't. The best thing I had to console in was Dumbledore.

"He's okay. He's in the Hospital Wing right now." Sirius confirmed. I saw them out of the corner of my eye, heads together, and whispering to each other, but I had brilliant hearing. I saw Pettigrew munching on something, totally oblivious to what his other two friends were talking about.

"Good. Whatever happens, don't tell him about this…" I heard James whisper back. I was mildly curious now, and Sirius took the words right out of my mouth: "About what?"

I saw James stand up, and clearing his throat in a business-like manner. Heads of everybody in the hall had turned his way; all had stopped what they were doing, and looked intently at what he was going to say. My head had also turned his way, and I was looking straight at him… and he was looking straight at me.

"Lily… I am truly sorry… about last night… about what I did… it was wrong, I know… and I hope that you will accept my sincerest apologies." He said, out loud, so everybody could hear. I could hear gasps as others whispering amongst themselves, but I wasn't interested in what they had to say. My breath had caught in my throat. James… had apologised to me… sincerely… in front of the whole school.

My cheeks were burning in embarrassment. All eyes had now rested upon me, and I hated the attention. I hated that James had just apologised his first, real, sincere apology… to me. I hated that after this, I would never be able to withdraw back into my cocoon of solitude again. I hated that James would have this effect on me – that his eyes would have this effect on me. His deep, brown, pleading eyes. I could hear his heart calling out to me, begging me to accept his apology, but I knew I couldn't.

My decision was final. I stood up from where I was, shot the deadliest glare I could manage at him, and stormed out of the Great Hall. I could feel the eyes of everybody, even the teachers, on my back as I flung open a door, and stepped out, slamming it shut behind me. Such a scene would bruise my reputation forever, but at that moment, I couldn't have felt more proud of myself.

I had not given into James, and his big brown eyes. Those big, brown, hypnotising eyes had had me under their spell once, and it I wasn't one to let that happen again. I knew what he wanted me for, and that wasn't to become my friend. Even if it was, I would have been more than reluctant to let him. I simply would not do that to myself, or to him. I felt myself wandering somewhere, but I didn't know where. Pretty soon, I was on a floor I did not recognise.

Darn… I thought to myself. Where am I? Oh please… I need somewhere to think… somewhere to sort myself out… please… anywhere…I begged mentally. Before I knew it, there was a golden door in front of me, with the great Gryffindor Lion encrusted on it. It opened itself, revealing the most comfortable surroundings I could have ever wished for. I now knew where I was – and what this was. It was the Room of Requirement.

I mentally thanked the room so much for revealing itself to me at my time of need, but that was its job – to reveal itself to you when you need it most, and everything in there would be perfectly prepared for you – so that whatever you needed it for, it would be there.

I walked in, and positioned myself comfortably on a cushion, as I sat back, and buried myself in thought. I knew I would miss a few lessons, and I hoped to Merlin that I could catch them up later, but right now, my thoughts were a mess. If I ever left this room, rumours would be flying everywhere, about James and I, about the scene created this morning. I didn't want that; I couldn't have that – I couldn't cope with it.

James's cheeks burnt with anger and embarrassment. Surely Lily – wait, make that Evans, now. Surely Evans couldn't have hated him after his apology? Yet she had… and she threw his very first, honest apology away like an old, worthless piece of junk. James couldn't believe he actually thought of something as stupid as to do that, and give up his pride for her.

He sat down, furious at what had just happened.

"What – so… you hadn't gotten her to say 'I love you' yet? So… why were you with that cute brunette the other day?" Sirius asked with an expression between amusement and concern. James growled, but didn't reply, so Sirius continued, "And, if I'm not wrong, that would have been your first real apology, right?"

James's scowl deepened. "I need to think." He said, and made an exit rather like Lily's.

My eyes were closed. I had a smile on my lips as I slowly left the real world, and began to step into my own little fantasy, where I didn't have to cope with this 'gift'; where nobody had to cope with this sort of 'gift'. I had friends – a lot of them, and we would hang out together, and, even though I knew I was sounding childish, we would play together. It had been too long since I had played with anyone in any way. It had been too long since I had secluded myself, and my heart was crying out for love, and there, in my own little fantasy, love existed in my life.

I could hear footsteps. I was confused. There were footsteps in my fantasy? Then I realised: they were real footsteps. I could feel my surroundings change… into a Quidditch pitch. I knew there would be only one person who would require a personal Quidditch pitch: James Potter. I felt my comfy cushions disappear from underneath me, and I felt my behind come in contact with soft green grass. I saw broomsticks appearing out of nowhere: a selection of them, actually.

I heard the door swing open, and I swung around. There I stood, face to face with James Potter. I saw his eyes widen, and a scowl appear. I knew he was scowling at me, and I knew he had a good reason to. If I was him, I would scowl at me. Heck, I even scowl at myself in the mirror with anger. If I could be so angry with myself so easily, imagine how easy it would be for me to trigger off anger in others.

I felt my heart race as I looked into his eyes. They were flashing, but not in the good way. "What're you doing here?" he snarled. I didn't like his tone. In fact, I hated his tone, and I hated that he was using that tone on me, yet I knew I had no right to complain, because I had made him like this. I knew it was my fault for not accepting his apology, and I knew how hard it must have been for him to apologise to me in front of the whole school, to just have me reject it, but it was for his own good!

My heart continuously being shattered into smaller and smaller pieces as I thought about how he wouldn't be able to understand – he couldn't understand. Nobody could. Nobody was feeling the pain and torture I was going through. Nobody. And I hated that; I hated to think that I was the only one who was feeling this, going through all this. I couldn't understand what I did to deserve this.

"The Room of Requirement is for anyone who requires it, Potter." I replied. Then began to make my way out. I didn't want to face him again, not after I knew what he could do to me; what he could make me feel. I didn't want to lose control over myself, but as the days progressed, I felt myself slowly opening up to him, which was the one thing I couldn't allow myself to do, but I had. I couldn't help it. I now needed to rebuild that wall inside my heart, and give it time to heal, but I knew that would be impossible if this was to happen.

I was merely two inches from the door, when I heard him call to me. The broken pieces of my heart began to race as I turned, and looked into those deep brown eyes once more. I tilted my head to one side casually. Body language suggesting that he should say what he wanted to, he continued, "Lily…" he began, then stopped, as if he didn't know what to say.

My heart skipped a beat. Why was he still calling me Lily? Surely he would call me 'Evans', after what I called him? My eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion, but he found his voice and carried on talking.

"I'm… I'm sorry, okay? I really am sorry for what I did to you last night. I didn't mean to, and I'll promise I'll never do it again. Please… please forgive me?" he asked me. I felt myself doubling back in surprise. After what I did to him in the Great Hall, he was still apologising to me? I felt unshed tears begin to build up in my eyes. I was overwhelmed by James's humbleness. I had thought so much that he had a built-in gigantic ego, yet here he was, saying sorry…over and over again, and asking for my forgiveness.

From that moment on, I couldn't help myself. I did the one thing I knew I shouldn't have, yet it was the very thing my heart had been requesting for so long. I nodded, and smiled. I was smiling at James, and I wasn't regretting it. I hadn't smiled for so long, in fear that someone may interpret this smile the wrong way, and ask to befriend me, but I was smiling, and it felt good.

Maybe some day I would regret that smile, because that smile made me befriend James without a second thought, but right there and then, I couldn't have felt happier. James was my first crush… and my first friend. I had had friends before, but this was different. Those friends never lasted long. They were never real friends, but by the look in James's eyes, I could tell that this friendship would be everlasting, but deep within those brown orbs of perfection, I saw a hint of guilt.

I didn't know what this guilt was, nor did I want to know, but I knew that it was guilt. My thoughts were swept away when I felt myself being lifted from the ground. James was hugging me. I was in shock for the first few moments, but I felt myself smiling, and then hugging back with everything I had. It was a hug that I'd longed for since I could remember, and there I was, hugging the man of flawlessness on an isolated Quidditch pitch on the fifth floor.

I was cursing myself for being so selfish and putting James in suggested danger, but I couldn't let go of him. I had been waiting for this for too long. It was time for me to let myself be a little selfish. I hated putting myself through everything, but it was for other people's sake. Maybe I should have my own happiness to think about. Maybe I should be allowed to hug without fear, and that's exactly what I was doing. The remains of the wall built around my heart had vanished right before me, and it was the person before me that had made it vanish.

I would be letting someone close to me. For the first time, I would have a friend. A friend that I could confide in. I knew I couldn't tell him my secret, but having him there for me would always be a start. Maybe things may progress, or I may be rid of my crush sooner or later. Maybe… just… maybe.

My eyes were closed, and I was almost terrified that I would wake up, and it would all have been a dream, but if it was a only a dream, I would have easily got down on my knees and pleaded to Merlin to give me more dreams like those. If it was a dream, maybe it would have been better, but it wasn't, for when I opened my eyes again, I was still in his arms, holding him tightly to me.

When he finally let go, after what seemed like an age, I felt myself feeling reluctant. I saw him mirroring my expression, but the bell that rang for first lesson broke our thoughts. He held out his arm, and I took it, and we walked off to class, but not before muttering 'accio schoolbag'.

"Lily…" James said. He had no idea what he was going to say after that, but he knew he needed to make it up to her; after all, he had a guilty conscience that needed to be cleared. If he wasn't going to tell her about the prank, he would at least apologise for kissing her. He couldn't understand why he called her 'Lily' for he was still angry at her for insulting his pride like that in the Great Hall, but some things were more important to him.

He saw her eyes narrow. He knew she was wary of what he may do next, and he couldn't let her think he would be attempting to take advantage of her again, so he just spat it out. "I'm… I'm sorry, okay? I really am sorry for what I did to you last night. I didn't mean to, and I'll promise I'll never do it again. Please… please forgive me?"

He felt his heart beat a little faster. He couldn't understand why, so he just decided it was because of his anxiousness to see her answer. He was almost afraid she'd say no again, but his worries were cleared after he saw her nod. It was a small nod, but it lighted his load a great deal. James could have just jumped for joy, but what he saw next made his heart race even more. He saw her smile.

Her one smile sent him to cloud nine. It was such a beautiful smile. He had never seen her smile before, but now that he had, he didn't want to see it fade. He was addicted. His eyes lit up, as he grinned widely. He felt himself almost giving in to the smile once again, but he knew that if he kissed her now, she'd never forgive him.

He couldn't help but feel guilty about the prank, and how he was supposed to just brush her off after she'd told him she'd loved him, but he didn't want to think about that now. He was too busy trying to memorise her smile before it disappeared, and maybe he would never see it again. He was pretty sure he was the first to ever see her true smile, and how he loved that smile.

Before he knew it, he had rushed forward, and picked her up in his arms, hugging her close. He had given in to the smile, but in a different way. His heart pounded against his chest so hard that he was sure she could probably feel it. He was so scared she might pull away once more, and return to hating him, but when he felt her arms wrap around his neck, pulling him closer, he felt like he was in heaven.

He hated that a girl could do this to him, yet he loved that it was Lily who was doing this to him; making him feel giddy, making him lose it, but he didn't mind. He had gotten Lily, social snail, to come out of her cocoon, and become friends. He felt even guiltier as his mind reverted back to the prank, but he didn't want to think about that now. All he cared about was holding her, and how right it felt. It was almost too right.

He heard the bell ring, and unwillingly pulled back. He saw Lily had the same look he did, and smirked. He held out his arm, and she took it. He knew that when they got to class, Sirius would ask questions, and he would have to re-mask himself against them all, and put on an act of pride to destroy all the rumours, but he was hoping to Merlin that Lily may see through this act, and know that he doesn't mean all he says.

Lily had been the first person he'd ever shown this side to. Not even the Marauders knew of it, and that was saying something, for they'd been friends since forever, but Lily… Lily was different, in a good way. Maybe they were destined to be friends, for he was her first ever friend – he was sure of it, and he knew that she was the first to ever see him like this. Maybe it was fate…

-×-

A/N: Okay, I had quite a few reviewers saying 'will Lily be embarrassed/mad at him for apologising in front of the school and having her in the centre of attention' and I was just pondering that… it wasn't my original plan, but hey, I think it worked out pretty well, no? Haha. The chapter was originally going to be longer, but I figured I should stop here. Next chapter should be up during the weekend, so look out for it if you're interested!

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR REVIEWING!!! I am gob-smacked at the number I got!!! NINETY-SIX!!! I really want to write individual thank yous, but I can't, 'cause it'll up the word count a lot, so I would like to say a HUGE thank you to:

Piper13 lilyfan A Harry and Ginny Dreamer californiagurl popppincorn gryffspopgurl cRaZyChIcK92 lia Random Lunatic Raziel Inluv wijames potter Casey vickiicky mistyqueen WanderingStar11 IceSugarHigh Nadia118 Melissa Saia May Dursley Idiot.On.The.Edge Tigra and Loup The Fuzy Llama Playing Scrabble With Orcs auditoriumnazi Alima WildMustang Melona baybeehflip holly-evans PatchLover08 LiviSmith IdUnNoXx missminty Eman just-a-reviewer

And a few things that I'd like to say to some reviewers:

Nadia118 – A/U means alternate universe. I usually update twice a week: once during the week, and once on the weekend, but sometimes, my dad shoos me off the computer, so I can't update when I want to… and thank you for reviewing every chapter!!!

WanderingStar11 – oh my goodness! You're review was SO hilarious!!! Haha!!! Your 'burning computer' thing was SO funny! And your last bit – oh gosh… I really couldn't stop laughing!!! (And believe me, that's not a good thing because I was checking on my reviews in a public place a.k.a., at school, and everyone was looking at me weirdly…) But yeah, thanks for the totally humorous review!

auditoriumnazi – sorry it was confusing! I'll try to improve, no promises though. It's a wonder what sugar can do to you…

vickiicky – thank you for reviewing every chapter, and thank you for reviewing my other stories too! Oh, and for the 'Meet in Dreams' one, it was written last year, when I had absolutely NO descriptive knowledge. Isn't it AMAZING what a year could do for your grammar? I mean, personally, I HATE that fic – it's so…dialogue-y. When I went back and had a look at it, I thought I wrote it when I was ten! If anybody else checks out 'Meet in Dreams' (my CCS fic) out, bear in mind it's utter rubbish, and I mean utter rubbish… and I doubt I'd be continuing it, unless I go back and completely revise it. Thanks.

Saia May Dursley – who's Narce? Oh, and she's not a 'random chick'… So who is she? You'll find out!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! Okay, shutting up.

-3 Always,

-Cryst

AKA LivingDreams

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