"Jiara, do you sense it…" Bastila began as she entered the darkened room. "Jiara?" I sat quietly, watching. Her silhouette evaporated as the door closed behind her and returned my room to pitch black. I sensed her Force energy reaching out, searching. But I did not want to be found, and I was very capable of hiding from her. Our bond, distasteful to us both, seemed to be gone—severed when she had fallen. Neither of us had tried to reconnect, nor spoke of it again. "Jiara, are you here?" Bastila's voice was serene, as usual, but there was emotion beneath it. Something inside of me couldn't resist—I fed off her apprehension like an addict. Her head reeled towards my direction. Of course she would have detected that, even without a bond.
"I taste your fear," I said flatly. At those words, another small spike emanated from her. It abruptly ceased as her training took over.
"Not fear, concern," she lied. "Why are you sitting in the dark? Lights, fifty percent!" At her command, a hum of energy whined from the bulbs. I moved quickly: as the lights came up, Bastila found me standing nose to nose with her.
"Revan, what are you doing?" she yipped with a jump.
"You called me Revan," I said with a small smile of triumph. I slowly backed away and began to circle around her. My experiment had worked. "You always strive to call me Jiara, but in an unguarded moment, your true feelings are exposed. So I am Revan, because I scared you?" I taunted. She remained calm.
"You will get no more from me," she responded in a short, direct tone. "This is a dangerous game you play Jiara. There is a dark energy here, it has affected everyone out in the hall and it seems to be affecting you."
"Affecting me? I am the Dark Lord, Darth Revan, remember? I AM the evil!"
Bastila studied me. "I believe you are correct This darkness is indeed coming from you."
I was slightly taken aback by her ready admission. "It comes from me because of the fear sent towards me. You have felt it too, haven't you? At every ceremony, each dinner, each delegation, every dignitary's party: all we have been forced to endure this past month…mixed in with the admiration and gratitude, there is anger and dread directed at us. At me."
"It isn't the fear, Jiara, it is your delight in it." Her words shocked me with their simple, shameful truth. At once I let it go, the sensation was suddenly hollow and bitter. I stumbled at the release. I felt her hands, gentle on my arms, as she moved me towards a chair. "Can you tell me what caused this?" she asked quietly, her concern genuine.
"What difference does it make? It happened no matter the cause. I cannot be trusted." Guilt gnawed deep inside my stomach as I thought back to when I first lost myself. How did I, how could I let that happen?
"Do not be quick to blame yourself. There are those out there who wish us harm…"
"No he didn't…" I regretted the words as soon as I heard them escape my lips.
"Whom do you speak of?" she asked as I tried to avoid her stare. I subconsciously crossed my hands, purposely searching along my bare ring finger. "Carth…" she whispered softly.
I closed my eyes as the tears spilled over my lashes. "He was here, so full of happiness, and I crushed him, I…" I took a deep breath. I had to explain, for myself if for no other reason. How did it all turn so quickly? "It wasn't like those off-the-cuff proposals he tried before. He had this planned out. He was here in his finest, looking damn handsome," I made light in between my sniffles. I ran the sleeve of my Jedi robe across my nose. Bastila stiffened with disapproval, which gave me no small measure of joy. "He was nervous, you know, of course he was, and I twisted that somehow. I felt his anxiety, and it touched something in me, something deep and almost forgotten. I craved more of that fear; I was draining it from him…" Bastila trained her gaze on me with practiced calm. "Then he showed me the ring, a Telosian diamond. It brought back everything, why he was even able to be here, proposing to me…. He asked for my hand in marriage. But which hand is this?" I shouted as I thrust my palms out at her. I stared at them; I could almost see the blood dripping from each finger. "Is this the hand that destroyed the Star Forge, or the one that commanded it? This hand served the Republic from both sides. It slaughtered millions before it saved the rest. It ruined planets, colonies, lives…like Telos."
"That blame is not yours!" Bastila yelled. "You are Jiara. You cannot punish yourself for everything the Sith have done."
"I was, I am, Revan. Revan brought the Sith to power. Everything was done by me, or for me in my name. On Taris, you told me I was the catalyst for the events leading up to your rescue from the Vulkars. I was flattered at the thought, but now I see the truth of it; if it was true then, it is also true of me as Revan. Even for the destruction of Taris I received blame from Juhani—it did not matter to her that you and I were the target, that I did not issue the command. How many people made the same leap in logic and blame? So many others have more reason than this to hold me accountable. You call me Jiara, the product of the Jedi, but under it all, I am Revan, and for all I put in motion, all I am responsible for, I must atone."
"Revan died on a starship nearly two years ago at the treacherous hands of her apprentice. You are a new person now, with new accomplishments and responsibilities."
"I am not Jiara just because the Council gave me that name."
"You are Jiara because you picked the name yourself."