Me?" Carth thundered. "I caused this, this, 'evil cloud' of dark energy that sent us all over the edge? Where do you come up with this stuff?"
Jolee sighed. "I knew you wouldn't understand. No, son, you did not summon this darkness, Revan did, I just think you upset her into doing it."
"I admit I upset her alright, but if I caused her to call up anything, we'd all be jumping out of the windows, not down each other's throats. I didn't make her angry, I just depressed the hell out of her with this ring." Carth flicked at the box on the table.
"I got news for you son—it wasn't just that ring. You depress the hell out of her too."
"Aren't you the stim-pack full of happy thoughts. Anything else you want to beat me for while I'm down?" Carth was exasperated. Jolee rarely made sense to him—but this time Carth knew his words were truer than he wanted them to be.
"Don't get me wrong, son, she cares for you—so much it hurts. This time it hurt us all. Tell me, what do you think she sees in you?"
"You saying I am not good enough for her?" Carth grumbled defensively.
"No, boy, simmer down. All I'm saying is she sees more than the noble heartthrob hero—she sees a man broken by the loss of his family and home. You didn't make that salad," Jolee said pointing to the cluster of honors pinned stiffly to Carth's chest "by sitting on your bunk cleaning your blaster. No, you earned them by putting yourself in front of every weapon the enemy had, didn't you? Volunteered for the worst tours of duty on the frontline. Maybe you were trying to get to Saul; or maybe you were trying to kill your demons by killing yourself."
"I never thought of it that way, but, you're right."
"Son, I have to tell you, even I am impressed by that display. But where's your Star Forge medal?"
"Couldn't find it—wasn't in the box with the rest of these."
"Well, here, borrow mine," Jolee got up and went to the dresser "'cuz you KNOW she will have noticed that one missing, and think the worst about it…. well, hang on." Jolee rummaged through a couple drawers, then shuffled back to the table. "Misplaced mine too. That's how much I think of it. I'm not much on medals; especially all you got yourself there. Makes me aware of just how dangerous you were—to yourself."
"I never planned beyond my next deployment, beyond getting revenge on Saul. I suppose I never expected to make it through. Guess I didn't want to." Carth stared blankly through the window as he admitted this to himself as much as to Jolee.
"Because you had no home, no family…your wife and child gone, taken by the Sith…HER Sith."
"I don't blame her, I've told her over and over, it wasn't her…"
"She blames herself. You haven't convinced her otherwise." Jolee said sadly.
"Look, what am I supposed to say? She didn't attack Telos, she didn't kill my wife, she didn't capture my son. Whatever else she did, it is done, over with, Malak made her pay with his betrayal. I don't care that she was once Darth Revan!"
"She does, she cares a whole lot about it. Without grenades and blasters going off around her and a Star Forge to destroy, she has plenty of time to think these days. Her mind is returned to the Light—she looks back at the actions of Revan and she cannot excuse them." Jolee sighed as his face wrinkled in anger. "Hmmph, it is the Jedi way to beat yourself up for the evil in the world. She can take no comfort in stopping Malak and destroying the Star Forge because as she sees it, she started the whole mess in the first place."
"That is ridiculous! Revan made the Star Forge a weapon of the Sith, Jiara shut it down. That is all I care about."
"You cannot make her past go away by ignoring it, son. You need to see the whole picture the way she does."
"Canderous said almost the same thing out there. He accused me of ignoring the fact that she had been Revan. I don't ignore it, I just…"
"Forget it? Let it go? Make excuses? Same difference. Canderous has accepted her past—I'd say he embraces it, frankly. Know that old saying, 'as crafty as an old Mandalorian'? Well, he is as old as they get, I'd reckon, and you don't survive this long in that many battles being an idiot. I'd take his advice, for once, before he takes it himself."
"What are you getting at?" Carth's eyes narrowed at Jolee. "She loves ME, she said those words to me, not him…" But another conversation came to him, onboard the Ebon Hawk. Canderous was spilling his guts to her, how he had changed….and that he was her man till the end, no matter what. At the time, Carth took this to be a Mandalorian loyalty oath. Or was it really something else?
"Carth, you just don't get it. With that ring, you are trying to start the race at the finish line. That day on the beach was an invitation, not a betrothal. An invitation to love her, to help her the way she helped you. You took four years to deal with your wife's death, and you did it with her help. You can't expect her to get over finding out about her past in four weeks and your only contribution to the cause is to overlook the pain and shame of having been Darth Revan. You refuse to see all she is going through because of that past. You aren't helping her. So she goes to where she thinks she is getting help: have you noticed how she is spending more time with the Mandalorian?"
"I thought she was just trying to get away from Bastila's sermons…are you telling me…"
"Well, she IS trying to get away from Bastila, true enough, don't we all? But also, she can forget about her dark past when she is with Canderous—he gives her no guilt. Actually, she gets a twisted admiration from him. It's like a soothing patch of kolto on her wounded mind. That isn't what she needs, son." Jolee's words stung Carth: it was so clear, so obvious, why didn't he see it?
"I've failed her, like I failed my wife and son. I wasn't looking out for her, I was looking out for myself. I wanted her near me for my own salvation, not hers." Carth kicked the table as he stood up with fury. "She gave me a reason to live, I've given her little in return."
"Slow down Carth, it isn't all that bad! You've given Jiara plenty; you gave her a reason to stay in the Light and reject the temptation back to the shadow; you just need to concentrate on Revan now. She needs to reconcile her two lives, and you need to as well. Just start from the top. If you didn't know any of this, I am sure you don't know a few other things."
"What, are you saying we go on dates? We flew around the galaxy together for nearly a year!"
"In a ship of fools! Lets see, you had a renegade Wookiee, a teenaged Twi'lek, a homicidal droid, a cranky cat-girl, a miserable Mandalorian, a sanctimonious Jedi…"
"Don't forget the cantankerous old coot!"
"Respect your elders, boy. But you get my meaning. Not much privacy on that ship. Let me ask you, what's her favorite color?"
"Uh, I…" Carth stammered. He didn't know, and worse yet, he didn't realize he didn't know.
"Or her favorite song? Her favorite food?" Jolee continued. "Uh-huh, and what about her birthday, when is that?"
"Alright, alright! You can't make me feel any worse than I feel right now."
"Well then, what are you waiting for? Shoo! Go out there and show her a good time, tach-for-brains!" Jolee pressed the ring into his hand and pushed Carth to the door, then out into the hall. "Oh and, uh, you might wanna change those clothes, the dinner is tomorrow, ya know."
The door snapped shut before Carth could say anything. He shook his head and stepped away. Up ahead he saw Mission and Juhani coming from the elevator. They each had innumerable boutique bags, and a service-bot was trailing them laden with even more spoils of shopping. At first he moved to avoid them, but then thought of a better idea: he turned and headed in their direction.
"…okay, so when we get to the room, we'll tell Big Z the ribbons are for his fur and he HAS to wear them for the ceremony!" Mission giggled. Juhani laughed heartily. They had bonded over their childhood memories of Taris and had become fast friends.
"Mission, I want to thank you for taking me with you to the stores. I have never seen so many wonderful things!"
"Oh that was nothing, there are plenty more places to go! Hey, Carth!" Mission greeted him as they met.
"Ladies," he smiled broadly. "Good hunting I see…. Can I ask you something?"
"I paid for it all, I swear!" Mission blurted.
"Whoa kid, I am sure you did! I just want to ask if you two found any place really nice in your travels today."
"Yes, the plaza was wonderful! So many things there to see!" Juhani exclaimed.
"And buy…" Mission added with a grin as she hoisted the bags up. "You looking to go shopping? We are going back out and you can come with us if you want!"
"Uh, not really. So, you think maybe Jiara would like the plaza?"
"Oh, yes, what a wonderful idea, we will take her with us!" Juhani purred. Mission gave her a quick elbow to the side.
"I don't think he wants us to take her," she said out the side of her mouth.
"Huh,..oh, yes, I suppose you are right," she said somewhat disappointed. She stared at Carth. "Aren't you a bit overdressed captain? Is there a function we are missing?"
"Yeah Carth, the dinner is tomorrow, right?" Mission added.
Carth simply closed his eyes and breathed.