Cartman woke up after a good night's sleep and scampered out of his teddy bear pajamas.
"Doobee doobee doo, beh beh beh" he sang in his Cartman voice and looked at his frog toy. "Morning Clide frog. What's that Clide frog? Hey, I'm hungry too! Moooomm! I'm up now! Can you make me some marshmallow pancake and syrup sandwiches?" he called from his bedroom.
"Ok Pookie!"
"Thaaaankss Mom! Doobeedoobee doobee. Where the hell's my shirt Clide frog! Oh, there it is. Just check my hair in the mirror…Damn I look good. And I bet Kyle's crying into his mirror over his Jew fro right now."
(jump to Kyle's room)
"Damnit! Stupid Jew fro! Oh well, at least I'm not a fatass like Cartman."
(Later at the bus stop)
"No, you're a ballsucking crossdresser! A FAT ballsucking crossdresser!"
"Shut up Jew! Shut your goddamn Jew mouth!" yelled Cartman.
"Mmmfff mfffmnnamm?" said Kenny. Both boys stopped arguing.
"Yeah, where the hell is Stan?" said Kyle. "He's gonna miss the bus. And today we're supposed to get some cool surprise in class, what if he misses it?"
"Awww. Nancy boy here is worried about his delicate little maiden. Nobody's judging you Kyle, it's probably best to just come out of the closet."
"SHUT UP CARTMAN!"
"Ok, settle down class. Today as promised you'll all be getting a big surprise which I'm sure you'll all love," said Mr. Garrison, "and if not, then you can all shut your little traps anyway. So, without further adieu, I'd like to present you with a new student, Jessica DeNay."
"Oh man this is gonna be sooo weak," said Cartman.
"Yeah, I know man, what a shitty surprise," said Kyle.
"Hi everybody." Cartman looked up from drawing on the desk as a sparkle gleamed in his eye. For there, standing before the chubby little bastard, was the girl of his dreams. "Wow," said Cartman.
"Welcome Jessica. Now class, I want you to make Jessica feel right at home here, she just moved from Denver Colorado so you can guess she doesn't have any friends here. Not one, isn't that right Jessica?"
"Oh, um, yes."
Craig's hand shot up, "Uh, Mr. Garrison, I thought you said we were getting a surprise."
"Well this is the surprise. A new student. Jesus, I thought I just made that clear."
"Wow what a lame surprise, I thought we were gonna get like free stuff or something."
"Yeah," said one student. "Yeah, that's what I thought!" said another.
"Timmayy!"
"Oh shut up you little bastards! Now, Jessica, I see Stan's not here today so you can take his empty seat next to Cartman there."
"Oh, ok then."
(Cartman's thoughts) Oh Jesus. She's sitting next to me. Ok, just gotta act cool. Make her feel welcome. I know!
"Hey, Jessica is it? My name's Eric Cartman. Good thing you moved to South Park, Denver's probably a shithouse huh?"
Jessica looked awkwardly around. "Um…I…I think I just need to turn this way for now," she said as she ignored Cartman.
Damn it!
"Wow, corn dogs for lunch! I can't believe Stan's missing this!" said Kyle.
"Mmanhmmm mmm!"
"Yeah you said it Kenny. Hey, maybe we should go visit him after school and see what's up; tell him about that new Jessica girl. She was kinda lame."
"Oh, um, you know what's kinda lame Kyle? You know what's kinda lame? I'll tell you what's kinda lame, your lameass Jewmade Jewface!" said Cartman.
"What! Cartman you're an asshole! How the hell did I deserve that?"
"Oh, um, heheh, never mind, never mind. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Just regular you and me jibes that have nothing at all do to with anything…else."
Stan and Kenny were staring at Cartman. "Cartman? I don't know what the hell you're talking about…and I'm not gonna ask."
(a couple days later walking to Stan's house after school)
"Mmfnmms mmmfn?"
"Hm, yeah I wonder what Stan's doing. He won't answer the phone and his Mom just keeps saying he's sick. But anyway, I'm sure he'll want to see us, it's been a couple days. Good thing Cartman isn't with us though he'd probably make Stan feel worse."
"Mnnf mmn." Kyle and Kenny approached the Marsh house and rang the doorbell.
"Hm, the car's gone, Stan's parents must be out. Damn, I guess we should just go Kenny."
"Mmsnffn munnmm mnnmm mfggm mnne."
"Hey yeah you're probably right! Ahh sweet! You were right Kenny there's a key under the mat. Let's just go in and surprise him." The boys made their way up the stairs to Stan's bedroom door and opened it quietly. They noticed the back of Stan's figure sitting on his bed facing the window. As the floor creaked, he began to turn around.
"Stan? Hey we came to surpri…Ahhhhh!" "MMmmmnsfhh!"
"Don't look at me! I'm ugly! Disfigured! A mere shell of what I once was…" said Stan as he put a large ice pack over his face.
"Uh Stan? We didn't mean to scream, we just weren't expecting…um, so what happened?"
"Oysters. Oysters is what happened. A few nights ago, my mom, my mom served us…oysters for dinner. I thought I would be starting a whole new savory adventure. An experience of seafood delight. But no, it was not to be. I noticed my skin began to twitch the more I ate. Then my lips began to feel numb. Before I knew it, my face had swelled and purpled to…to this. Doctors say I experienced a severe allergic reaction, a reaction with results they had never seen before. Mom cried. Shelly laughed. They say it's going to take a couple weeks to look normal again. Weeks. It might as well be the rest of my life."
"Aww, well gee Stan, it's really not that bad. Once you get over the shock of course. We were just really worried that you were sick. And you see? We were wrong. You're not sick but healthy and well…You just happen to resemble a purple, squishy, bloated pumpkin."
"Yeaammm" said Kenny.
"Look Stan, don't feel bad about this. I mean, you get to miss a couple weeks of school! Think of all the cool stuff you could do at home while we're stuck with Mr. Garrison!"
"Well, actually, the doctors say I can't risk any type of activity that could result in me laughing, crying, or getting emotionally upset in any way as it could make my face worse. So that leaves out TV, magazines, playing with toys…And…as you can see the mirrors have been covered. Thanks for trying you guys, but it looks like Stan Marsh…is over."
(meanwhile back at Cartman's house)
"Oh my God! I can't take this any longer! Every time I open my mouth in front of her I sound like a total douche! I'll just have to be honest and tell Jessica how I feel. But how the hell do I do it Clide frog? What would Mel Gibson do…great idea Clide frog! I can't believe I didn't think of that! I'll just ask Chef tomorrow at school!"
(in cafeteria)
"Chef, my friend has a …problem. You see, my friend likes this girl. She's no ordinary girl though Chef. She's the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. Golden hair, sparkling eyes…but, you see the thing is Chef, he doesn't quite know how to tell her how he feels. He can't tell his friends because they'd totally rip on him for it," said Cartman.
"Aww children, what your friend is experiencing is completely normal. Lots of guys don't know how to properly woo a woman."
"Really So I'm not, I mean he's not totally lame?"
"Noooo. Not at all! Here, how about I sing you a little song…
When boys and girls get together, special feelings happen,
But sometimes one or the other, don't know how to explain
That the feelings that they're feeling are occurring inside,
And for guys of course, what's in their pants if very hard to hide.
So relax, don't worry, just tell that little honey,
That you'd like to get to know her a little mooooooore,
And if she laughs, or slaps you, we'll here's what you have to do
Say sorry bitch, you actually thought I was serious?
And most important of all, the one thing that matters !
Is if your little honey's got some good sized tatters!…
So you see children, that's all it takes to get the woman you love," said Chef.
"Uhhh, right Chef. I'll be sure to tell my friend that you helped in absolutely no way at all…Well Cartman, looks like you're on your own," the pudgy fourth grader said to himself as he walked out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. "Now all you have to do is find Jessi…"
"Hi Eric!"
"Ahhh! I mean, uh, hey Jessica. How are you?"
"Oh, I'm alright. I was actually hoping I could talk to you," said Jessica.
"Really! Wow, that's very coincidental because I was just about to…"
"Yeah," said Jessica interrupting, "I really need to talk to you right away."
This is it! She's liked you the whole time as well and you didn't even realize! Eric Cartman, you are good.
"You see Eric, I've noticed you in class, and you seem to know a lot of people."
Yes! She thinks I'm popular! This is almost too easy…
"And the more I thought about it, the more it became clear to me what a role you could play in my life. So I'll ask this once and once only…"
Hehehe ooohhh baby here it comes.
"Eric Cartman, can you help me get together with Butters Stotch?"
Ahh yes, that was so…what did she say?
"You see, I know you're friends with him because I overheard him say so and, well this is kinda' embarrassing to tell his friend, but I really like him. I was hoping you could help set us up, or at least let me know what his interests are."
No…No. It can't be…Butters? Butters! Why?Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
"Um, Eric? So what do you think?"
What do I think! What do I think! Ok, Butters this is the last time you fucked me over…This means war!
"Uh, why I would be glad to help, Jessica…Just leave everything up to me."
(That night in Eric's bedroom)
Eric mumbling in his sleep, "mmmff, nooo, nooo. Must kill Butters. Must kill…" (begin dream sequence).
Eric, running along a grassy field wearing a white flowy shirt; the first 4 buttons undone. Except now he has a sixpack and brown mane down to his shoulders. Fluty music playing in the background. Then, he spots her, running towards him in a flowery dress, hair blowing in the wind.
"Oh Eric, I'm so glad I found you! Let's never be apart again!"
"Jessica," Eric's voice now 4 octaves lower, "that will never happen. We'll always be together because at last you've found me. Your one and only. Eric Cartman."
"Oh Eric, I love you. Thank God I moved to South Park and…" Suddenly, there is the neigh of a large white horse on which Butters is atop. Holding a knight's sword he swoops down and grabs Jessica.
"Release my prize Eric Cartman! Can you not see? It is I, Butters! And wuh what Jessica wants is a re real man like me! Observe! You are but a fe fat little boy!"
"Hey, I'm not fat I'm big boned! What a minute…" Cartman has changed back into his regular appearance and lost his sixpack and mane. "What's the hell's going on here?"
"Oh my God! Take me away from this beast! Take me away with you Butters!" said Jessica.
"Why of course ma my lady! Let us ride away together on ma my noble steed!"
"Oh Butters!" Jessica and Butters kissing atop the horse, and Clide frog comes jumping from the field.
"Don't worry Eric. She just prefers Butters…Just prefers Butters….Just prefers Butters…Just prefers Butters…" (end dream sequence).
"NOOOOOOO," yelled Cartman, sitting up in bed. "That's it! Butters, prepare to die!"