I'm so sorry it took me so long… (Almost as long as it took #Darvey to get their shit together, haha). Not gonna lie – I had just lost my inspiration… The story has always been present in my mind but I just couldn't find the right words. I hope some of you are still around. I won't promise to continue soon but I will do my best to happily resolve it someday… So much for that, you've waited long enough – have fun with this (little) one!
"I just need you to know that I'm there."
Weren't that exactly the words she has waited for all the time? Still, it feels like it's not enough. One sentence can't just fix what the last few weeks have broken. If she was really honest to herself it weren't just the last weeks – the tension between her and Harvey got weird long before that. When exactly have they stopped being best friends and became… whatever they are now. Why can't they just go back to the start? Why can't they just be friends anymore? Why can't they just talk, like they used to? Why has every conversation to end in an argument? Why does she end up hurt every time they part ways? Why is everything so complicated?
Because to much had happened. It wasn't just the fact, that she broke her own rule and had sex with him, actually it happened much earlier…
It is a special evening. Not only that they had just won the case, also the fact that Harvey has come over to her apartment was… special. He had only been here two times: once when she had that awful dinner party with her mother, which they both just remembered and joked about and then the other time… They have never mentioned that night ever again and she has no intention to ever change that. Why should she question that? Would it even change something? Does she want something to change? Everything is just, how it supposed to be between them and this evening is the best proof of that. They chat, the drink, the joke, they laugh just as best friends would do. And that's what they are, right? She refuses to answer this question to herself, let alone him.
She poures them another glass of wine while they laugh about her mothers ex-boyfriend whom she never really liked. She sits down at her couch, right next to him. Although she enjoys the jollity of the evening she knows it's time to talk about the elephant in the room.
"Thak you, Harvey."
"You don't need to thank me. You already thank me."
"No, I thank you for fixing it. Now I'm thank you for not bringing it up all night."
"I just figured if you wanted it bought up you'd bring it up and now you have, so…" Suddenly he breaks eye contact and takes a deep breath. "I told you, I'd never let anything happen to you and I won't ever. So you don't have to feel scared like that again." It's very unusual for him to get that serious about something so personal. She can't avoid to wonder where this suddenly comes from… Instead she tries to break the tension that is suddenly palpable between them.
"I thought you said you didn't do the comfort thing." She asks jokingly.
"I didn't say, I didn't do it. I said I didn't have time because I was so busy saving your ass." Although it's supposed to mean jokingly too, she can't help but feel the seriousness behind those words.
"I'm sorry, I doubted you."
"I'm sorry, I slammed to you…" He pauses. It's obvious that it costs him quite some effort, to spell the next words out aloud. "If anyone else ever loses faith in me, it doesn't matter." Another pause. "With you, it's different."
She doesn't know, what to say. What is this supposed to mean? She tries to find her answer in his beautiful brown eyes but he isn't willing to give it to her. His gaze drops slightly and for a moment it hangs on her lips. But then he remembers and takes a sip from his glass instead. "I should go." Oh hell! Was he even serious? That's right the Harvey she knows, the one who's running away, whenever he fears to show to much emotions. Not this time – she decides. She wants to hear it. She needs to hear it.
"Why?" Although he has already grabbed this jacked, he turns to look at her.
"You know why." No, she doesn't. She thinks she does but she can't really believe it.
"You know, I love you, Donna."
"You know, I love you, Donna."
Those words have changed everything between them. After this evening, it wasn't the same anymore between them. The boundaries they had set years ago, by mutual agreement, without even having to talk about it much were suddenly shifted. The line between them after `the other time` was suddenly blurred. This statement came really out of the blue. She had never expected something like this from him. She had no idea what she should think about it or how to react. But before she had even the chance to sort her own feelings, Harvey did, what he always does: he pretended like nothing ever happened.
And that's the thing, that hurts her most. How was she supposed to give her heart to someone, if this someone is not willing to let anybody in? So she decided to leave him for Louis. This decision was the right one, the distance was good for her. But then Mike's trial happened and she knew she was needed. But then everything got out of hand…
Now she lays in an hospital bed an is just overwhelmed by her own emotions. She is pregnant and alone. Thomas turns out to be the opposite of what she has expected him to be. Harvey freaked out and now he's facing trial. Why did he do this? Did he just need a valve? Deep down in her, she knew it was something else. His gaze, just before he had attacked Thomas, had shown something she had never seen before: pain. Was it because he was jealous or did he really worry about her? She doesn't know. In the past she had always been able to read him but this has changed. Her own confused feelings clouded her vision.
She knows that she has feelings for him. She can't negate that any longer. But she has no idea, if this words, he had said months ago, are still true, if they ever were. And even if he meant it that way: would that change anything? She knows Harvey for so many years and he had never been able to have a real relationship. Harvey was never able to deal with his own emotions and he still isn't. After everything that had happened with his mother, he has lost every trust in romantic relationships. His trust issues make it impossible for anyone to look behind his façade. How could she even imagine to build up something on that crumbly foundation? Apart from that she wasn't just responsible for herself anymore. Her collapse made that very clear. That Harvey came to the hospital and promised her help meant a lot to her but this wasn't enough. She has to do what's best for her child and when that means to cut Harvey out of her life, to avoid stress and offer stability then it has to be so…