Sakura & Ibuki: Professional Fighting School Girls

By Kairi Taylor

Episode 1: Girl's Eye For The Fighting Guy

Disclaimer: These are not my characters…damn. They are copyright of Capcom, SNK Playmore & various anime companies. And you can't sue for parody. So nyahhh!

(Outside a cafe. Both Sakura & Ibuki are standing outside, dressed in their respective school uniforms)

Ibuki: Welcome, gamers one & all! I'm Ibuki, ninja in training, but as you can see I must also maintain my life as a high school student.
Sakura: You already know me. Or at least remember me for the color of my panties. Pervs. Anyway, what's on todays agenda?
Ibuki: Well, it's that time of year again. The time when young women have a day to express their adoration to the ones they love in the most reasonable of fashions. And also, the only way we can get our men to sit with us & watch sappy romantic movie they believe will get them laid.
Sakura: Ah, the holiday known as 'Valentine's Day'.
Ibuki: Now in Japan, it's different. We, the gals, give guys chocolates. A month later, they reciprocate by giving us white chocolates or gifts. I got about a ton of chocolate kitties last year.
Sakura: Really? All I got were ZERO-1 tapes & tickets to PRIDE championship fights.
Ibuki: That's not too bad.
Sakura: You should have seen what Chun Li sent me. 'Kinky' doesn't even begin to describe it. Anyway, this year, we're gonna do something different!
Ibuki: Instead of chocolate, certain male fighters are gonna get something they needed for a long time...
Sakura: A personality?
Ibuki: No, that wasn't in Dad's budget. No..it's time for...hey, roll the title in...

(The Words 'Girl's Eye For The Fighting Guy' is rolled in by a exhausted Smash.)

Ibuki: Yes! When a man needs a makeover, leave it to the sensible female to steer him in the right direction!
Smash: Why did I have to wheel this in?
Sakura: Because you're still working off your probation for peeking at King in the bathhouse. Now pull, fanboy slave!
Smash: Yes'um...

(Ryu's dojo. Ibuki & Sakura arrive, a giant trunk being wheeled behind them by Smash.)

Smash: Must...never...do...physical labor...again...
Sakura: Our first stop is the home of my mentor & stalwart Capcom fighting hero, Ryu.
Ibuki: Now he was a no brainer. For years, he's been travelling in nothing but his gi. Even Kyo had the sense to change his outfits twice.
Sakura: To be fair, he does have a girlfriend.
Ibuki: Right, let's get started.

(Sakura knocks on the door. Ryu comes out dressed in his usual getup.)

Ryu: Hello Sakura. Ibuki too. Have you come to get a match with me?
Sakura: No. This is a an emergency.
Ibuki: We've come to give you a makeover.
Ryu: A makeover? Does this involve getting new fighting techniques?
Sakura: See, that is your problem. You're a fight-a-holic & you do not want to admit it.
Ibuki: You've spent so much time fighting you've forgotten how to interact with females.
Ryu: I know how to interact with women.
Sakura: By 'interact' I mean doing something that doesn't involve using your fists or feet as deadly weapons.
Ryu: Oh...well I guess I need to brush up on that.
Sakura: Fine.
Ibuki: Let's step inside & begin your makeover.
Ryu: Say Smash, what does this 'makeover' involve?
Smash: For you, it means you may actually get laid before this story is over.

(Inside. Ryu is in a small fitting room. Sakura & Ibuki stand outside.)

Ibuki: In a moment, Ryu will step out of this room & show his new look for all the world to either fawn over or despise with disgust & hatred. I bet on the first one.
Sakura: _ _ (tries to sneak a peek in)
Ibuki: Stop that. We're beyond that.
Sakura: Aw c'mon, it's Ryu we're talking about. Haven't you ever wondered what was beneath the gi?
Ibuki: Us ninjas are beyond such needs to obsess over the physical form. We have to keep our focus on the goals at hand.
Sakura: So, how do you explain Mai?
Ibuki: ...point taken. Wow, he's got a pretty hot ass.
Sakura: One side, let me see.
Smash: AHEM!!!
Sakura: Oh, right...

(A few minutes later, Ibuki stands next to a red curtain.)

Ibuki: Ok ladies...it's that moment we have all been waiting for!
Sakura: You mean the moment where Justin Timberlake admits he likes kissing men?
Ibuki: No. I introduce you to the new & improved, for lack of a better term, Ryu!

(Ryu steps out from behind the curtain. He is now dressed in a pair of blue jeans, a tight fitting black shirt & a leather jacket. His red headband is still on, but he has a wicked pair of shoes on.)

Sakura: We took some advice from Terry Bogard & outfitted our man here with a classic but practical look. So, how do you feel?
Ryu: Hey...this is actually pretty good. But what is this stuff I was made to splash upon my chest.
Ibuki: Cologne. It was that stuff you were given after Ken made you take a shower.
Ryu: Ah. Why does it burn my nostrils though?
Sakura: It means it's working.
Ryu: Very well...so, how do I initiate in the art of wooing a fair female?

(Smash limps in, his body covered in scratches.)

Smash: Did you know there's a mob of fangirls outside, clamoring for Ryu?
Sakura: Wow, that was fast. But we'll not rush things.
Ibuki: Right. Come along, Ryu. We're going to Mai's house for our second target.
Smash: You're gonna make over Andy?
Ibuki: Mai requested it. He's almost as bad as Ryu.
Ryu: No, he's worse.
Smash: How so?
Ryu: I may say 'the fight is all' & all that other junk, but even I would tap that ass in a heartbeat.
Smash: A-freakin'-men, bro! (both hi five each other.)
Ibuki: Men.

(Andy's dojo. The group arrive as Smash hauls in yet another suitcase)

Smash: Shouldn't Taylor be doing this or something? He's the director.
Ibuki: He's waiting to make a Nabeshin-like entrance.
Sakura: Yeah. But I doubt he can have such a righteous afro as Nabeshin.
Smash: True that.

(Sakura knocks on the dojo door. It opens & Andy peeks his head out.)

Andy: Er...hello?
Ibuki: Good news, Younger Bogard! We've come to give you a makeover!
Andy: I'd like to, but ninja training takes precedent.
Sakura: Not so fast, friend! Ms Shiranui requested you undergo this procedure.
Andy: Mai? This was her idea? Well then, I guess I'll have to...

(Tries to make a run for it. A tranquiler dart is embedded in the back of his neck. As Andy slumps down, Sakura twirls a gun in her hand.)

Sakura: I thought ninjas could dodge things like this easily.
Ryu: You shot him point blank.
Sakura: Oh yeah...Well, you guys better get him ready.
Smash: Why us?
Sakura: Two females undressing a unconscious male...do you know on how many levels just how wrong that sounds now?
Ryu: I'll grab his feet.
Smash: Ok.

(Ten minutes later. Ibuki & Sakura stand in front of the same curtain. Sounds of a struggle are heard.)

Sakura: And now...
Ibuki: Presenting a remade Andy. (Andy is shoved forcibly outside. He is dressed in a denim shirt & black pants.)
Andy: This feels so...alien.
Ibuki: Maybe if you would step outside of the dojo every five days, you'd be prepared for this.
Sakura: Now then you two, prepare for your date!
Andy: HEY!!! I hardly touch Mai, but I assure you, my tastes don't swing that way!!
Ibuki: No, dummy! With Mai.
Andy: Oh, right...er, what is this 'date' you talk of?
Sakura: Uh oh.
Ibuki: How do we deal with this?
????: LEAVE IT TO ME!!!!

(Taylor drops in, dressed as Nabeshin, only with no kick ass afro.)

Sakura: You're late!
Taylor: I know. Traffic. Anyway, with my help Bogard, you will be learn the arts of romancing your female!
Smash: Does that include fleeing for your life the moment she tries to kiss your lips.

(Not amused, Taylor pulls out a handgun & shoots Smash's foot.)

Smash: ARRRGGHHH!!! SONUVA*****!!!!!
Sakura: It's a tall order. Can you do it?
Taylor: Just watch.

5 Minutes Later...

Taylor: At last my son, I have taught you the skills you need to succeed.
Andy: Er...I'm not your son. And I kinda--
Taylor: You must go now...romance the woman of your dreams. Win her heart with all you have!
Andy: But she already loves me, you know. And I'm certain that--
Taylor: Farewell my student! Remember my teachings.
Andy: Are you sure you're not insane! (A puff of smoke & Taylor vanishes.)
Ibuki: Ok...let's just get you crazy kids all set for your romantic evening.
Andy: Sure...but where the hell did he just go?
Smash: Look on the roof.

(Taylor is on the roof, cape blowing in the wind, striking a dramatic anime-esque pose)

Smash: STOP HAMMING IT UP & GET YOUR LAZY ASS TO WORK!!!
Sakura: I don't think insulting the author is a wise idea.
Smash: Why? (Rainbow Mika & Sailor Mars walk in.)
S. Mars: Excuse me, are you Smash Daisaku?
Smash: Uh, who wants to know?
R. Mika: Good enough. Loose the hounds.

(Smash runs for his life as some dogs give chase.)

Ryu: So, who am I supposed to go on a date with?
Ibuki: Ah, good question.
Sakura: We gave several eligible women the opportunity to compete to go with you on a romantic cruise for two around Tokyo Bay courtesy of Garcia Enterprises.
Andy: That sounds fair.
Sakura: Oh, it does at first. Then we realized that 99.9% of the contestants were all fighters. So we decided to make it reasonable.
Ibuki: We stuck them in an warehouse & let them fight it out NJPW style. The winner should be coming in right now.

(At that moment, Makoto limps in, dressed in a formal blouse.)

Makoto: Heh, finally, I made it. Had to beat over a dozen girls to do this, but it was worth it.
Ryu: Hey...nice neckband.
Makoto: Ibuki-chan, I still don't know why I have to do this.
Ibuki: Because the word 'unfeminine' keeps popping up every time I try to get a guy interested in you. And every time someone says that word, you cave their nose in with your fists.
Makoto: I can't help it. Every time I hear that word, for some reason I get all worked up into a brutish rage.
Sakura: Anyway, you two go off & have fun. And don't do anything I've haven't done.
Ibuki: Or attempted to do...while drunk...with some poor man tied up in ropes.
Sakura: I tell you, I had no recollection of doing that to Ryu.

(Makoto walks off with Ryu.)

Andy: What about me & Mai?
Sakura: Good question. What have we got for him?
Ibuki: An all expenses paid dinner at the Nekohaten.
Sakura: All expenses paid?
Ibuki: Well, Robert IS paying for this?
Sakura: How'd you manage that?

(Yuri walks by, whistling innocently as she puts ice on her fists.)

Andy: Ok, but where's Mai. (Mai appears behind Andy, dressed in an outfit so revealing, Christina Aguilera would call it slutty.)
Sakura: Ok, any, turn around real slowly.
Ibuki: Trust us on this buddy.
Andy: What do you---(turns around) Oh dear. (passes out)
Mai: I see now why the smelling salts are needed.
Sakura: Indeed. Well, until next time gamers, this is Sakura wishing you luck in your endevors for love.
Smash: Uh, could someone stop these hounds from chasing me? I would like my ass to be free of teeth marks!!!