Sakura & Ibuki: Professional Fighting School Girls

Episode II: Ultimate Muscle Heads

Inscribed by the righteous keyboards of Kairi Taylor

(Outside of an arena. Sakura & Ibuki are unloading a van)

Sakura: Ah, welcome1 I bet you're thinking that we're taking part in yet another mindless battle for the earth!
Ibuki: Be reasonable readers. We're not as transparent as Dragon Ball Z. No, today we're here to cheer on our favorite associate in her battle.
Sakura: Allow us to introduce the next character in our troupe. She's a bonafide Taekwondo hero if I ever saw one, May Lee!

(May Lee walks in, a backpack in hand.)

May: Hey. So, what's on my agenda?
Sakura: Good question. You see, Ibuki has failed to tell us just what kind of fight you should be expecting.
Ibuki: I did tell you. You were just busy gobbling up food to notice words coming out of my mouth. It's a type of wrestling tourney.
May: Oh, is that all? This is a cakewalk. Maser Kim has taught me all I need to know in handling anyone who has grappling skills
Ibuki: True, but this is not just any wrestling league. It's...

(Kid Muscle leaps in.)

Kid Muscle: Uh, the title of this story is 'Ultimate Muscle Heads'. Now enjoy.

(Inside the arena, May Lee, Sakura & Ibuki observe a match.)

Sakura: I'm not familiar with this brand of fighting.
May: I know these guys. They use over the top brutal maneuvers to score a knockout.
Sakura: Jus how over the top are we talking?
May: I say about as outrageous as anything I've seen Ramon do in a ring. Hey, isn't that Jim Ross?

(May points out Jim Ross, who is fighting Mark Madden.)

Ibuki: This match is billed as the fight for the throne of wrestling announcers everywhere.
Sakura: Then where's Joey Styles?
Joey: Someone has to announce the match. OHMIGOD!!! LOOK AT WHAT MADDEN HAS DONE!!!

(Madden is kicking JR in the face, then picks him up by the neck & slams him down hard. He leaps like a ballerina to a nearby turnbuckle & poses.)

May: Normally, someone as obese as him would not be so agile, but in the world of UM, anything goes.
Joey: Indeed. Looks like he's going for it...THE FAT ASS SPLASH!!!

(Madden leaps & cartwheels in the air, before turning & going for his frog splash. At the last second, JR spins away. Madden lands hard in his face.)

Madden: OH GOD!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!!
JR: Several ladies n the audience take umbrage to that remark. (Does a three point stance)
Joey: Uh oh..it looks like he's going for it...
JR: BOOMER SOONER!!!

(JR dashes & hits Madden hard into the air. Madden lands on his head, spinning around. Taking a deep breath, JR runs up to him & kicks him so hard, his body is sent flying out of the ring & into the side of one of the rafters.)

May: I think JR has won this one.
Ibuki: I think Madden is gonna need a new neck.

Sakura: So while we wait while they scrape up what's left of Mark Madden from the side of the building...
Foreman: He's too goddamned fat! Get the heavyduty lift!
Sakura: We'll look at the members of May's clique. You have a clique?
May: Yeah. After I mastered everything Master Kim taught us, I went out & formed my own group on the principles of justice. We go in to towns & clean up with the best way we know how...by caving their noses in with our fists & feet.
Ibuki: I'm down with that!
May: I know. I've got a battle royal to look forward to. So allow me to introduce my other members of MLJS- MAY LEE JUSTICE SQUAD!!!

(A burst of smoke later, three people step out into the fray. They are Amelia,.Viewtiful Joe & Taylor, still in his Nabeshin getup.)

Amelia: We are the ultimate purveyors of law & justice!
Joe: And we do it in STYLE!!!
Taylor: And with as much ownage as possible...but why the heck can't you let me carry my special rifle?
May: Because you & guns are an even bigger danger to the world than the crooks whose ass we kick.
Sakura: A rather unusual group of fighters we have here.
Ibuki: I'll say.
????: Too bad they'll be working for such a loser as yourself!
May: Oh no...YOU!!!!

(Standing over the entrance ramp is a blonde girl with taped up fists & a bandana.

Sakura: Who is that?
May: A girl who is the exact opposite of all we stand for!
Ibuki: Bizarro May?
?????: No. I am...June!
Ibuki: Yeah, Bizarro May.
May: I don't get it.
Ibuki: You see, May is a spring month & June is a summer month....
Sakura: But Autumn is more like the opposite of May. You see, Spring is life & Autumn is representative of death....
June: ENOUGH!! Your banal chatter has annoyed me! I will destroy this justice freak with the power of my brand of boxing skills!
May: Get over yourself, kid. Boxing is nice, but your motives perverse the ideals of the sport.
Sakura: Uh, you are familiar with the sport right? It's rife of scandal & corruption.
Ibuki: Dudley & Axel are the exception, you know.
June: Bah, enough of this! I'll get you in the ring!

(As June leaves, May faces the others.)

May: I've known her ever since high school. She's a bit melodramatic, but she is quite a accomplished fighter.
Sakura: So, why does she want to beat you up so badly? Rivalry thing?
May: More like an I've Beaten Her At Everything So She's Turned To Evil' thing.
Joe: Hey, Taylor, your match is next.
Taylor: Sweet.Let's see who I get to pummel.

(Taylor steps into the ring, smoothing out his tie. The announcer smoothes his toupee.)

Announcer: Welcome to another special night of Muscle League Dream Match! To my left is a member of MLJS, Nabeshin!!
Taylor: Uh, I'm Taylor.
Announcer: Huh? Oh right. It's the suit, man.
Taylor: I know.
Announcer: And now entering the ring, from some unknown street in the Shinjiku district, Saigado Man!!!!
Taylor: What?

(A guy in red shirt & mask steps into the ring. He reeks of booze & underarm sweat.)

Taylor What the hell---couldn't I get Ramen Man? I'll even take Dik Dik van Dik!
S. Man: Never fear. I, Saigado Man, supplier of over the top hentai fantasies to fan boys everywhere shall give you a worthy match.
Taylor: ....C'mon New EdgeSonic, this is hella lame. Quit it.
Joe: Dude, NES is over there. (Points to NES, who is being asaulted by Akiman.)
Akiman TAKE BACK WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT YUKES GAMES, BITCH!!!!!
NES: Can't breathe...speech no longer available...
S. Man: Now face the fury of hentai power!!!
May: Just who is that guy?
Taylor: Remember that little incident a few months ago involving Bao, Athena & every pissed off male member of their village?
May: Yes...with much hesitation.
Sakura: Yeah, I'm guessing that guy represents the comic company that NES loves.
May: WHAT?!!!!
Taylor: I'll be stepping away now.

(Donning her cape, May literally flies towards the ring & rapidly kicks Saigado Man in the face. She kicks him in the groin & proceeds to stomp him into the corner.)

Taylor: Well...I hope you know what this means...
Janitor Yeah. I'm gonna need a new mop!
S. Man: Please stop pummeling my face! I need my teeth! How else will I chew food?
May: Not my concern!!! UNRELENTING INNOCENT VIRGIN JUSTICE CRUSHER!!!!

(May grabs one of Saigado Man's arms & uses it to bash & slam him into the ground over & over again until she twirls him over her head & kicks him into a window)

Taylor: So much for my match.
Announcer: I guess.
Sakura: At least you have your mandatory appearance.
Ibuki: Yeah...however brief it was.
Taylor: Yeah, sure.

(back in the announcer's booth)

Joey: As soon as we finish sweeping up teeth & mopping away excess blood, the battle royale will begin. And joining me in the booth tonight is Terry Kenyon.
Terry: Howdy folks! Nice to see you all. Looks like we got ourselves a real bar room type brawl of a battle royale tonight!
Joey: Indeed we do. The ring's starting to fill up now.
Terry: And some of the best & brightest of wrestling are in this fight. And then there's Ramon.
Ramon: HEY!

(May stretches her legs for a bit as Ibuki coaches her.)

Ibuki: Now, remember the strategy I discussed with you earlier.
May: You mean plunge a small knife into the center of the radish & twist it, then soak it in water?
Ibuki: No, that's for later. I mean the way to handle all of those other grapplers.
May: Ah, right. In that case, Joe, get on your knees.
Joe: I have a girlfriend, you know.
May: No, silly. I need a boost.

(Joe kneels down. May bounces of of his back & dives feet first into the ring)

Amelia: Is that what I think it is?
May: SUPER MAY LEE DYNAMITE JUSTICE KICK OF SPIFFY OWNAGE!!!
Joe: Yeah, I believe it is.)

(The ensuing explosion sends various guys sailing out of the ring. All that are left is May, June, Kevin Mask, Richocet, Masked Muscle, Big Bear & Tizoc.)

May: Wow. Not that many people could survive the initial impact.
Kevin: Well,it was a simple matter of shielding my eyes, then ducking the 3987 kicks you managed to throw in the speed of light. May I ask HOW you did that?
B. Bear: Does it matter, old chap? For soon I will DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE!!!
Kevin: ...ok, I know who YOU are. I also know who the little bowling ball headed kid is...but who are you?
Masked Muscle: I was in Super Punch Out!
Tizoc: But you're a boxer!
M. Muscle: So? Luchadors can be boxers too!
Richocet: That's not in the code!
M. Muscle: SCREW THE CODE!!!
Richocet: He dishonored the CODE!!!!
Tizoc: Indeed! By all of lucha's might, I'll beat him to a pulp..or just kick his ass, whatever comes naturally.

Joey: It looks like Masked Muscle has made a serious error!
Terry: I'll say!! Insulting the Luchador Code is like insulting Texas itself! And no one insults Texas & lives to tell about it.
Joey: But people insult Texas all the time.
Terry: Yeah, and how many of them are sipping through straws right now?
Joey: You got a point there. Look at what those two are doing!

(Kevin Mask & Big Bear are grappling.)

B. Bear: Hey, you're pretty strong for a shrimp.
Kevin: And you're pretty healthy for a bloated fat ass!
B. Bear: Hey, a lot of that is muscle, bud. (Kicks Kevin in the midsection, then grabs him by the neck.)
Kevin: Ha, think a simple chokeslam can stop me, amateur?!
B. Bear: Hah, you think too small! I've got something much cooler in mind.

(Big Bear twirls him around & around, making Kevin feel dizzy. Kevin manages to grab Bear's arm & using his momentum, slam him face first into a ring post)

Kevin: Pretty impressive. But I got brains on my side.
Tizoc: Prepare for the might OF LUCHADOR FURY!!! (Dashes at Masked Muscle.)
M. Muscle: Oh CRAP!!!!
Trainer: Spit in his eyes!!

(Muscle spits in Tizoc's eyes.)

Tizoc: Ah!! It reeks of kimchee!
????: ILLEGAL!!!

(A Judge on a chocobo gives a yellow card to Masked Muscle)

M. Muscle: What the--THIS WAS NOT AGAINST THE RULES!!!
Judge: This isn't a realm entirely without laws!
M. Muscle: BULLCRAP!!!
Richocet: Uh, excuse me?
M. Muscle: What?

(Richocet smashes into Muscle's face with The Pulverizing Pinball. As Muscle staggers, Tizoc regains his sight)

Tizoc: You're going down, senor!
M. Muscle: Oh pooh.

Joey: It looks like Tizoc is about to put the nail in Muscle's coffin!

Terry: Here it comes!!!

(Tizoc grabs Muscle by the throat & raises his hand in the air, signaling for the Big Griffon Drop. He leaps, Muscle in hand, smashing his body into the ceiling then drops down for a humongous chokeslam.)

Joey: OH MY GOD!!!

Terry: I gotta say that was a pretty awesome display of power…too bad both of them went through the ring itself right into the basement.

Sakura: Damn. The chiropractor's gonna have a field day.

Ibuki: Yes.

Richochet: Wha---WHOO!! I'M STILL IN THE MATCH!!! I'M  A SURVIVOR!! I'M—

(The little luchador's speech in interrupted by the flying body of Big Bear as he is tossed across the ring through the ropes into the stands.)

Richocet:: I'm eliminated…

B. Bear: hhoo…look at all the flying doughnuts.

Kevin: Well, so much for them. (wipes his hands clean. As he turns around, he fails to notice the gaping hole in the ring. He trips & manages to fall into the basement.)

Ref: Uh…you guys alright down there?

Tizoc: Swell…

Kevin: Superb…

M. Muscle: Ohhh, a squishie machine!

Sakura: That just leaves our comrade & her mortal foe.

Ibuki: Uh huh, look at them go!

Amelia: Those two haven't slowed down yet!

(May & June are trading punches & kicks respectively June leaps back at one point, her fists glowing)

Joe: Oh no…she wouldn't….

Sakura: What is she doing?

Ameila: Beats me.

Joe: She's going for her signature move.

Ibuki: How bad is it?

Joe: Bad as in Seinfeld last episode bad. Bad as in Pluto Nash bad. Bad as in the entire run of Colin Baker as Doctor Who bad….

Sakura: That's pretty harsh.

June: Prepare for my fury, interloper!

May: How am I an interloper? You don't even live here!

Sakura: Just what is this 'special attack of hers?

Joe: The B.M.!

Ibuki: Just what does BM stand for? Bold Mollusks?

June: SHUT UP!!! BICMACBACONLETTUCECHEESEONASESAMESEEDBUN PUNCH!!!!!!

(June throws a punch into the ground at May's feet, causing a huge explosion. When the dust settles, half the ring is gone. May is standing behind June.)

Sakura: …Big Mac?

Ibuki: That's what it stands for?!

Joe: You should see the Ryoga version.

May: That was cute and all…but I think I'll wrap this charade up.

Terry: I don't know why, but I'm just dying for a bacon burger right now.

Joey: That'll have to wait. Looks like May is about to show her ultimate move.

(May kicks June high into the air, then she backflips & bounces off of the ring ropes, headed straight for June. Grabbing her in a head scissors,  she does a 1080 twist before slaming her into the ring canvas. Then she neatly rolls the semi conscious June out of the remains of the ring, onto the floor.)

Joey: The TKD Twist of Ultimate Justice always gets it's man!

Terry: Or woman.

Joey: Whatever. Let's go eat some burgers.

Sakura: Whoa…AWESOME!

May: Not just awesome, it reeked of JUSTICE! (poses proudly as the MLJS poses behind her, doing their own poses.)

Sakura: Well, that's all for this installment! Until we meet again, loyal readers!

Ibuki: Hey! No pictures!