Sakura & Ibuki Special Time Filler Episode: Not Really Final,  Is SO Not A Fantasy, Not Part Xi But Episode 2-A & Written Mostly Online At A Message Board

By Kairi Taylor

(Rikido Koshi is sitting down next to a PS2 with Final Fantasy XI on the TV. He guides a character along.)

Rikido: Hmmm…let me see what this sign says…'I, Kairi Taylor, give my permission  to have Sakura & Ibuki be absent from this episode & have the fanboys be part of an online RPG story.' What kind of sign is that?

(Another player walks by. The text 'PS2 & GC R GAY!!! XBOX RULZ!!!!' blaze on screen)

Rikido: Impotent dog!!! DIE!!!! (Presses a button)

(Players house. As he snickers, his TV glows & explodes.)

And now, because I'm stressed out & need to buy some time, here's a special episode of the adventures of two award winning literary bastards

(Taylor & Shingo walk out of a house. But they both look different. Shingo is taller & has long ears while Taylor has on body armor & a  couple of samurai swords.)

Taylor: Hello gamers! Welcome to our special episode. But something today is...amiss.
Shingo: Amiss...AMISS?! I step out of this house looking like a castaway from Lord of The Rings & you say something is amiss?
Taylor: Relax, I'm sure that somewhere out here, an explanation is there.

(NES walks out, dressed in the Red Mage uniform)

NES: Welcome to the world of Vana'diel!!!
Taylor: ...NES, you have precisely 32.098 seconds to explain why & how we are here. Use that time wisely.
NES: Relax will you? I just got us a Mega Mega So Awesome It Defies All Known Laws of Man's So Called Science World Pass.
Shingo: Say what?
NES: Simply put, this pass allows us to freely travel around the worlds of Vana'diel as we wish.
Shingo: Ok.
Taylor: Sounds cool...but if this is some weird ass attempt to score with catgirls, I'd say Shingo would have you beat.
Shingo: This coming from someone who has a copy of Harry Potter stashed away in his duffel bag.
Taylor: I HAVE NEEDS!!!
NES: Relax. You two have appropriate job classes by the way. Shingo, you're a Ranger & Taylor, you're obviously a Samurai.
Taylor: Cool with me. What's our mission? Why are we here on this accursed island?
NES: To bring peace throughout the realm...and to bring in as much gil, rare treasure & magic weapons as possible.
Shingo: You had me at gil! Onward!

(In a forest...)

Taylor: Are you sure you know where this temple is?
NES: Yeah. You wanna look at my map?
Taylor: I rather not touch anything that has come into contact with your hands...but I am wearing gloves.

(Looks over the map.)

Shingo: You can read that?
Taylor: When you've mastered reading military maps, you can read anything. What's this?...'Beware The End Bringer, He Who Devours Souls & Flesh Alike, That Which Should Not Be'.
Shingo: Odd. And mildly poetic. Are they talking about Ben Affleck
Taylor: I've heard of this...it is a creature which has no equal. A beast beyond our realm, something that makes hardy men quake with fear. It is a being not to be trifled with.
NES: What? A Balrog? A Lich? Dear God not A Flaming Gunarvian TOTH?!!!
Shingo: First, I have no idea what the hell THAT thing you just metioned is, but for the love of God himself, don't even describe it. Second, what the hell are you talking about Taylor?
Taylor: Let's just say Palidor would be a better alternative in a battle to the death.

(At that moment, a cute bunny approaches the crew.)

Shingo: Hey look, a rabbit! Let's kill it, we could use some jerky.
Taylor: Ick. Rabbit jerky? I'll stew it thank you very much.
NES: NO! It's too cute to kill! Let's breed it & raise a rabbit farm!
Taylor: This isn't Harvest Moon, you loon! Besides, we can use the experience.
Shingo: Isn't it odd that in order to become stronger, you kill cute fuzz balls of niceness?
Taylor: Never fazed me. NES, go kill it.
NES: Ah, fine!

(NES takes out his epee & lunges at the rabbit. The rabbit leaps at him & jumps upon him.)

NES: What the---OH HOLY FREAKING SHIT!!!! HE's RIPPING MY INSIDES OUT!!!!
Shingo: Uh....
Taylor: This is mildly disturbing...you don't suppose...
NES: FORTHELOVEOFGOD, STOP GNAWING ON MY INTESTINES!!! AW MOOSE TESTICLES, CAST A SPELL OR SOMETHING YOU IDIOTS!!!!
Shingo: Hey you're the one who likes chopping things up, go kill little bunny foo foo!
Taylor: Are you out of your goddamned mind? Do you not realize what the hell that thing is? (NES is tossed past them in a bloody heap) If that wuss got maimed like a steak in the maw of Marlon Brando, what will it do to us?
Shingo: So, what do you suggest we do?
Taylor: The one thing one must do in any situation such as this...grab NES & run for the nearest church!
Shingo: Damn it, I've got blood all over my wrists.

(later at a church. NES is wrapped in bandages.)

Shingo: The Omega Hare?
Taylor: Yeah. In every RPG realm, there is a type of creature that is rare to find, but has great rewards for killing it. Only problem is that they have the ability to kill you just by beating an eyelash. Golden slimes, Tonberries...name it & I know of it.
NES: Fine, but care to explain why you don't know about this hare?
Shingo: We don't play online games for a reason.
Taylor: Yeah, reasons like 'too *fucking expensive' or 'cheap gil stealing player killing assholes who ruin the experience'  Those are valid reasons.
NES: So, can we kill it?
Shingo: Yeah...provided we're going to require some help...sacrificial lambs if you will. Guys who are stupid enough to try to weaken this thing up for us in order to save our own asses.

(At this point Dazz & Lex walk in.)

Shingo: They will do nicely.

(A few rounds of mead later...)

Lex: Since when was mead served in a church?
Shingo: You're asking like you care.
Lex: I don't. Just odd, is all. Anyway, what do you guys need us for?
Shingo: We need you to help us slay a beast before we raid a castle.
Dazz: Oh really? What kind of beast are we talking about here?

(Later, in the forest...)

Dazz: THAT? You guys got beaten by that?
Shingo: Actually, NES was the one who was mauled, rended & completely dominated by the hare. We just picked his whining carcass up & ran like cowards.
NES: I was not whining! Well, I would have, had my tear ducts not been scratched out.
Dazz: Well, you first, Lex!
Lex: Why the hell do I have to go first?!
Taylor: Because you're too drunk to say no.
Lex: Yes I am...damn it all!!

(Lex raises his ax & dashes at the rabbit. It sidesteps & headbutts him, sending him sailing into a tree head first.)

Dazz: Oh crap...my turn right.
Taylor: Yeah. Go on.
Dazz: Very well....RARRGGHHHH!!!

(Dazz charges, sword drawn. The rabbit leaps up & wallops him with his tail, knocking him into the sky & off into the distance.)

Shingo: Oh crap...so much for plan B.
NES: Leave it to me. I have in my possession...THE HOLY HAND GRENADE OF ANTIOCH!!!!! (Pulls out grenade) Who's laughing now, damned lepus?

(The grenade disappears. A Judge riding a chocobo comes along & hands NES a red card)

Judge: RIGHT! Off to the pen with you, ya kiniver!
NES: What the hell?!
Judge: No outside weapons are allowed in our servers! You know the rules, mate!
NES: BULL!!!! That rabbit's dynamite!
Taylor: I'll take this. (NES' World Pass is taken as NES is escorted off to the jailhouse)
Shingo: So, what do we do?
Taylor: I must harken back to my days of training at the WuTai Dojo.

And so, Taylor went deep in thought as he remembered his time training at his wife's dojo with her father, Godo, master of Kisaragi Ninjitsu

Godo: All right son, here's what you must do when faced with the uber enemy in the wilds of RPG lands. Pay attention!
Taylor: Right.
Godo: First, turn away with your back to your enemy like so. Then in a rapid motion...put you right foot in front of you, followed by your left & repeat, until at such time when you are a safe distance away from the foe.
Taylor: ...that it?
Godo: Yes.

(Taylor bashes Godo's skull in with a cat statue)

Taylor: WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO YOU OLD BASTARD?!!!!!

(Back to the present.)

Taylor: So, what are the odds that we can actually kill this thing?
Shingo: Lets see...with my current hunting abilities & your rough & tumble samurai skills...we are rabbit kibble.
Taylor: What do you know? The geezer's advice does fit in this situation. RUN!!!!

(Back in town)

Shingo: This is humiliating. You realize that? We ran away from a rabbit! (A warrior walks by.)
Warrior: Don't tell me you two were fool enough to fight the Omega Hare?
Taylor: No...we actually ran for our lives after our comrades were creamed & the ass monkey that got us here got hauled off to the slammer.
Warrior: Good. See that building?
Taylor: You mean the one brimming with the bodies of mangled adventurers which has moans of anguish, torment & pain emanating from the hallways?
Warrior: Yeah.
Taylor: No, I don't see it.
Warrior: It's to the right of the whorehouse.
Taylor: Oh, there it is.
Warrior: Anyway, all of those men were beaten by that hare. None dare enter it's domain. I mean, c'mon, it's so damn cute, no one takes it seriously.
Taylor: You've just given me an idea!!
Shingo: We're gonna find out how a whorehouse got into this place?
Taylor: No...I know just the girl who can stop that damn bunny. C'mon, I got a call to make!

(Back in the forest. Taylor & Shingo are waling along with their companion singing)

Shingo: I have just one question...
Taylor: If it's 'Why did I pick her?' I'll kill you.
Excel: [singing] Obliterate! Eliminate! Lord Ilpallatzo told me so! Genocide! Manga artist-cide! And an order of homicide to go!
Taylor: We're not killing the manga artist...again.
Shingo: Yeah, that was a bad idea.
Excel: Just what are we doing here? And for that matter, why are so so goddamned big and why are you trying to look your best like Toshiro Mifune & I look like a catgirl trapped in a weird world like dot hack only with no real plot and interesting characters and---(her rapid fire dialouge goes on like this for several minutes.)
Shingo: STOP!!! Slow down!
Excel: Sorry...
Shingo: This will be as disturbing as episode 26.
Taylor: What happened?
Shingo: You're not up to that one yet?
Taylor: I have the first 3 dvds. Sue me. Ah, there it is.

(Taylor points to the Omega Hare, which bounce along.)

Excel: Awww....
Shingo: Are you sure...
Taylor: Just. Watch.
Excel: How cute...(the bunny looks at her, wide eyed.) How cute but...

(Excel karate chops the Omega Hare right in the head.)

Excel: WHO THE HELL CARES?!!!!
Shingo: She...beat it.
Taylor: Yeah...lets go looting!
Excel: YEAH!!! Loot-ING!! Robbing! Pilaging for Ilpalazzo!!!

(The three walk away. A couple of warriors, including the one from the village, come across the rabbit)

Warrior: At last, we found you!
Archer: This is for my friends, you lopped earred bastard!!! (Kicks dust in it's face. A ninja pokes at it with a stick.)
Ninja: Is it dead?
Omega Hare: (Duke Golgo like voice) Taste Divine Retribution!!! (A giant boulder lands on them all.)

(At the tower. Taylor, Shingo & Excel load up on gil & assorted treasures in a wagon pulled by chocobos. A few guards sit, all either stabbed, pummeled or with arrows in their groins.)

Taylor: So what have we learned from all this?
Excel: Online RPGs bring out the most violent & virile behavior in mankind & must be monitored at all times! Also a man's pride does not let him run away from man eating rodents with cottontails!
Shingo: I've learned that when all else fails, an arrow to a man's groin will solve many a dilemma.
Iori: I LEARNED I HATE KYO EVEN MORE SO THAN BEFORE!!!!
Taylor: What are you doing here? _
Iori: I'm bored. And Ragnarok is down.
Taylor: I learned that if no one is paying attention, you can get away with anything in a message board. See? (Gives out pictures of Palidor in a bikini.)
Shingo: She's gonna kill you if you don't give up half your profits from those bikini photos.
Taylor: I know. Anyway, where do you suppose Dazz landed?
Shingo: No clue.

(Square Enix offices. A programmer is sitting at a computer, typing in code & designing a squirrel.

Programmer:  (singing) Writing code, making bunnies! Sending out rabbit to kill geek scum! Lucky otaku kill master rabbit, send out squirrel to purge them all!

(Dazz walks up behind the programmer, sword in hand.)

Dazz: Payback time!
Programmer: Huh? (Turns around.) MASAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!



                                                                  Episode 2-A

                                            The Rabbit From Ganymede & Other Fallacies

                                                                                                        ..... Today's Experiment.....Failed

Epilouge:

(Taylor, Shingo & Excel are sitting at a table. Taylor is back in his Nabeshin getup, eating some ramen, as Shingo loos at Excel devouring what's left of the hens.)

Shingo: You don't eat enough, do you?
Excel: No, not on my paycheck. So, do you think our continuous looting of Vana'diel's worlds had any significant consequences?
Taylor: Not as bad as that....Watches various Square Enix programmers run away from Dazz, Lex & a horde of angry chocobos.)

Elegy for Otaku...now that was a success



Shingo: Say...I just remembered something. In between the looting, fighting & blatant ripping off of Excel Saga, we never did bail NES out of jail.
Taylor: Uh oh...

(Nighttime. NES is running for his life, spoon in hand, next to Pedro, who is handcuffed to Cloud.)

NES: Onwards, my fellow friends! TO GLORY!!!
Pedro: NOOOOOO!!!!
Cloud: Oh hush! You didn't have to put up with Sephiroth's whining!