Sakura & Ibuki: Professional Schoolgirl Fighters
Episode 5: The Zombie Chronicles
By Kairi Taylor
(A small, rather cramped apartment somewhere. Sakura, who is holding a 941 Jericho in her hands, is carefully scanning the area through a boarded up window. Behind her is Penny, who is carefully examining a large barb wire wrapped baseball bat. Taylor & Fat Dave are sitting nearby, both wielding a shovel & cricket bat respectively.)
Sakura: Oh, hello gamers! Normally, Ibuki would be here alongside me, but she has gone on a ninja sabbatical this week. And the May Lee Justice Squad, sans Mr. Taylor, were called away to the 'Big Ol' Even Tempered Anime Fest' in Japan. A totally awesome event, but he managed to get himself banned for the next 5 years.
Taylor: Look, for the last time, the guy was egging me on! There was no way I could be expected to control myself. And the way he made fun of some very nice cosplayers was unforgivable!
Dave: True, but you didn't have to punch him in the groin 1000 times, stuff pocky in his ears & thrash him within an inch of his life with a replica mallet while screaming 'Die Adam Sessler, you emasculated anal retentive faux gamer!'
Sakura: In hindsight, you did manage to get invited to twice as many game conventions. But that's not the point.
Penny: Yes, sadly, we have managed to get ourselves mixed up in the most common of horror clichés.
Taylor: Uh, none of us has had sex yet.
Penny: Not that. I mean the zombie outbreak.
Dave: Yup. Seems like we can't go a year without the minimum amount of zombie related violence.
Sakura: I blame George Romero. Make one movie that's really a bit of commentary on human nature, all of a sudden the undead become in vogue. We need to haul ass out of here and stock up on weapons.
Penny: That's all well & good, but we need transportation. And preferably, someone who can drive without endangering our welfare.
Dave: Taylor, how do we get ourselves into these things?
Taylor: You're asking the wrong writer. The morning was bad enough to begin with…
(Earlier that day, in Dave's house. A nervous knock is heard at his door. Dave opens in to find a shivering mailman.)
Dave: Hey mate, do you have my---
Mailman: TAKE IT! AHHHH! (practically tosses a package at Dave's head & runs screaming into the night, er, day)
Dave: What's his problem…oh cool, new Fire Pro Wrestling for the PS2! (As Dave turns around, he sees Taylor behind him, a bloody shovel in hand.)
Taylor: Dave, we have a situation.
Dave: First how did you get in my house? And second, whatever you did, will I be named as an accomplice?
Taylor: Through the now broken window and no. Not this time. The whole city's being locked down, since there is a zombie outbreak. I thought you should know since you have evolved beyond the need to watch television.
Dave: I always knew this day would come. (Pulls out a cricket bat)
Taylor: What scares me is that we have been planning for this for a very long time.
Dave: Never hurts to be prepared, right? But did you have to break my window?
Taylor: I didn't break it, he did. (Points to zombie, who is shuffling towards them, arms outstretched.)
Dave: Bloody hell! You could have killed him, you know. (Swings hard, taking off the zombies head as a geyser of blood erupts from the bloody stump where the head was. A second later, it craps itself.)
Taylor: You know, the movies are a lot less messy.
Dave: Right, let's find Sakura. She'll know what to do.
Taylor: While we're at it, let me make a quick stop at the local internet café…
(Back to the present. Taylor holds a large stack of papers in his hands as the gang walks cautiously through the halls. )
Sakura: And the café was STILL open?
Penny: You haven't seen Counter Strike players have you?
Sakura: Point taken.
Penny: This list is The Official Zombie Survival Guide that was released a couple of years ago. We should be able to use it well.
Taylor: Yeah…well almost all of us.
Sakura: How so?
Dave: Let's be honest, one of us will die. And let's face it, we all know who that will be.
Sakura: Oh, totally. (All turn to New Edge Sonic)
N.E.: WHAT! Why me!
Penny: Well, duh, it can't be me!
Taylor: I've already been dead once. The paperwork involved is a real bitch & all, so you'll understand if I want to put it off for at least 100 years.
Dave: I make a living out of no-selling death.
Sakura: Which just leaves you I'm afraid. Chances are, we'll have to put you down the moment a zombie or two seeks it's teeth into your dirty flesh.
N.E.: Oi…
Sakura: Do I have to pull out the pie charts!
(Three pie chars and a bar graph later…)
Sakura: See, I fall into the 'reluctant but resourceful female hero' column. Penny here is found in the 'young, but experienced hero' column, illustrated here. Taylor falls into the 'veteran with way too much knowledge' column & Dave is the 'complete bad ass so he can never die' column. You sadly fall into the 'cannon fodder' column, right under space marines, storm troopers, red shirts and Gungans.
N.E.: I dunno if I should be impressed or insulted at the revelation noted here.
Sakura: A little of both, perhaps. And the fact that you are fighting zombies with a tennis racket doesn't help.
N.E.: All the good blunt objects were taken.
Taylor: You passed on the rolling pin, not me.
Penny: Alright, let's stay calm. Keep your eyes open, head straight for the car, and whatever you do, don't panic.
(Penny opens the door. Outside is a scene that can be best described as what would happen if the makers of 'Shaun of the Dead' had a way bigger budget & Lucasarts effects. All over the city, soldiers, police & citizens are waging a gory battle with the undead. As the group looks on, a Judge on a Chocobo lances a zombie in the face. Nearby, a priest is flipping off walls & kicking zombie heads off.)
Taylor: Urge to panic rising.
Penny: Wow, Catholic Buddhist Fist is pretty amazing.
Sakura: You think that is impressive, you should check out Amish Taijutsu. C'mon, get in the car.
Dave: Look out! (A zombie dives at them from above.)
N.E.: Leave this to me! NEW EDGE TENNIS RACKET SENGOKU HEAD SMASH!
(N.E.S. swings…and manages to get the tennis racket lodged in the zombies ribcage.)
Zombie: Uh…ok?
N.E.: Damn! He's much stronger that I thought!
Zombie: No, see, you hit me in the ribs. The laws clearly state that for me to be taken down, you either destroy my brain or behead me. You managed to hit my ribs, which is a no-no. And you are using a tennis racket. Who are you, Jim Cornette?
N.E.: Well, excuse me, but you were jumping at me. It's kind of hard to get a clear head shot.
Zombie: No, it's not. 140 year old seamstresses with artificial hips could have hit me.
Sakura: Will you please stop dicking around! (Shoots zombie's head off.) We have to get going. Start the car.
Penny: I'm driving!
Taylor: Do you have a license young lady?
Penny: I drive the Gadgetmobile regularly.
Taylor: Not good enough. I'll drive.
Penny: Hey! Burnout does not count as experience! And you don't even have a license yourself! What makes you think you can drive any better than me?
(35 minutes later, the gang arrives at the local K-Mart. The car is a blood soaked, entrail & limb covered mass of smoking metal.)
Dave: Wow.
Sakura: I guess Burnout really can teach you how to drive.
Penny: Sure, let's gloss over the fact that he may have committed 89 counts of vehicular homicide.
Taylor: Look, for the last time, I am 89 CERTAIN I killed only zombies.
Dave: Right, we're here. But why K-Mart?
Sakura: Wal-Mart's policy is pretty clear cut when it comes to zombie outbreak…
Penny: Yup. Never thought any corporate manifesto would have the words 'piss off, paupers' written in there.
N.E. :Well, we ain't the only ones who decided to pay a visit. (Points to a whistling Wesker, pushing a shopping cart.)
Wesker: Ah, great, you guys! First the whole 'shoot Wesker on sight' business & now you maniacs! Look, for the last time, this was not my fault! I deal in parasites now!
Sakura: Actually, we are just here to stock up on weapons.
Penny: Dibs on chainsaw!
Taylor: Damn! I concede to your superb mastery of calling dibs for now.
Wesker: Ah, I see…the 'piss off policy' right?
Sakura: Bingo!
Wesker: Yeah, well you better hurry. You guys are the heroes of this tale, right?
Sakura: Totally, except for Zombie Chow here.
N.E.: Oh, c'mon!
Taylor: You're just lucky we didn't stick you with the nickname 'Mongoose' or 'Kenny'.
Wesker: In either case, since you are the heroes, there is a good chance that every available zombie will be following you here.
N.E.: That's just an exaggeration.
Sakura: Don't look now but…
(Sakura points out to the city streets. Every block is teeming with the undead, headed straight towards the K-Mart.)
Taylor: Oh crud.
Penny: A suggestion.
Sakura: Does that suggestion involve us running for cover inside that building, barricading every door & preparing to fight it out to the bitter end until someone comes up with a foolish escape plan?
Penny: Yes.
Sakura: Lead the way, sister.
(The whole lot of them, including Wesker, run like hell into K-Mart and begin top set up a barracade.)
Wesker: Ok, that doesn't make sense. Some of these guys are running! Zombies don't run!
Dave: You never know, zombies could possibly get all sorts benefits from the mutation.
Wesker: True, but their leg muscles are atrophied to the point where running would actually be a hindrance.
N.E.: I found something that might interest you!
Wesker: If it's NeoPets porn, I swear to God…
N.E.: No, it's this! (pulls out a cowering Uwe Boll.)
Uwe: Uhhhh….
Taylor: GET THE BRAIN!
(Taylor leaps in and swings, smacking Uwe upside the head with the shovel. As he falls to the ground, Taylor swings a few more times.)
Wesker: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ease up kid, he's not a zombie.
Taylor: I know. (takes out wallet & extracts 8 dollars.)
Sakura: Why are you doing that?
Taylor: I saw House of The Dead and watched as over an hour of my life & quite possibly a small portion of my dignity was taken away. I want a refund.
Penny: But you saw it a year later…for free…on Showtime.
Taylor: And?
Penny: Never mind. Ok, Boll, what are you doing here? And where's my 8?
Uwe: No reason. Please ignore anything important I may be carrying in my briefcase, for it does not pertain to…
Sakura: Excuse us if we feel the need to believe otherwise. Boys…
Taylor: Hey, dude carrying around the Necronomicron!
Penny: Oh God, not that old thing!
Wesker: Well, that would explain this. (Points over to the TV. A news reporter at the local station is spitting green bile and strangling her co-anchor.)
Newcaster: I'll swallow your soul, pitiful half man!
Victim: How did you know about the tractor incident! I TOLD NO ONE!
Sakura: At least we know why the zombies are coming out.
Penny: So, all we have to do is kill the undead, escape from K Mart & cast the counter spell to undo all the damage. Doesn't sound too hard.
Dave: Uh, the zombies are starting to break down the door at the south.
Penny: Scratch that. We need a distraction.
Taylor: Hmmm…distraction you say…(Looks at N.E. Sonic & Uwe.)
N.E.: I know what you are thinking.
Taylor: Pray tell, what am I thinking?
N.E.: You are debating whether to throw one of us to the zombies and while they tear away at our bloody nutrient filled flesh, you'll come up with a better plan.
Taylor: Actually, I was gonna suggest that we send you guys to the beer section, stock up on all the bottled beer & use them as Molotov bombs to solve our immediate dilemma…but that plan sounds even better.
Dave: I concur, since I have…plans…for that beer.
Taylor: Decisions, decisions…who do I send…
(A small menu box appears nest to them that reads-
New Edge Sonic
Uwe Boll
Both of them!
And Taylor pauses to think)
Sakura: Wow, never noticed that before.
(A few minutes later, a helicopter is hovering overhead.)
Pilot: Well, that's not something we see everyday.
Cameraman: What?
Pilot: Look over on the roof. (Points to the roof, where Sakura and Penny are tossing a bound and gagged Uwe Boll to the zombies. Strapped around him are various meats and sausages.)
Cameraman: Damn…waste of a good kielbasa.
(Back at the K Mart, the gang is fighting off another horde of zombies.)
Penny: (reving up chainsaw) Well, this certainly beats being bound and gagged every few episodes. (proceeds to decapitate and disembowel every zombie she sees on sight as Taylor, Wesker & Dave all pull out their rifles and fire.)
Sakura: I agree…we need an escape plan though and a safe place to cast the counter spell
Dave: Where'd New Edge go? He was supposed to be our cover fire!
(N.E. drives a lawnmower over some zombies at he lashes out at them with a rat flail.)
Taylor: I refuse to make a Mexicools joke on the grounds that I don't wanna get flamed or branded a racist.
N.E.: C'mon, at least one crack about Super Crazy!
Taylor: DON'T BE HATIN' ON SUPER CRAZY!
Sakura: I've got it! Taylor, cast a fire spell! We'll escape in the confusion!
Dave: Uh…
Taylor: Yeah, see, I only know of two fire spells.
Sakura: That's good.
Dave: No, with him, that's bad. Aside from bad control over fire spells, the spells he knows are a bit problematic.
Taylor: I know the basic fire spell, but it can only cover a certain area. And the other spell…you don't want me casting the other spell.
Penny: How bad could it be?
Taylor: Do the words 'Meteor, Level 10' mean anything to you?
Wesker: I have a suggestion.
(Later, in the sewers.)
Wesker: That was easy.
Sakura: I suppose…although don't you think pouring 45 cases of gasoline all over the floor & having a fire spell cast be a bit on the 'reckless' side?
Wesker: Can't make a omelet without breaking some eggs…and then horribly scorching them beyond recognition.
Dave: Hold up. The sewer line branches out over here. Both of them will lead to the city library, but we have no idea which path is safer.
Penny: We'll have to split up. Me and Sakura will take the left fork, you guys go right.
Taylor: Sounds fair.
Wesker: No, it sounds like something out of a Scooby Doo episode. You know what's gonna happen.
Taylor: Fred and Daphne make out, Shaggy & Scooby smoke pot & Velma laments the lack of lesbian sex she's had as of late?
Wesker: Is that all you see when you think of Scooby Doo?
Dave: Yeah, pretty much.
Taylor: ESPECIALLY the lesbian part.
N.E.: …let's just go.
(An hour later, in the library. Sakura & Penny finish casting the counter spell.)
Sakura: And with that, the zombie horde has been repelled! I have to say I am surprised at your extensive knowledge of the magical arts.
Penny: Yeah, well I studied Wicca in junior high.
Sakura: Oh really?
Penny: HEY! It's a stereotype. I happen to like boys, right Duo baby? (Duo Maxwell hops in, bound with chains around the ankles)
Duo: Note to self, break every bone in Heero's body. With a very heavy rusty pipe.
(At this point, Taylor & Dave walk in, carrying a few bottles of Guiness.)
Sakura: Where were you guys? And what happened with Wesker and New Edge.
Taylor: We lost both of them on the path we took.
Dave: Yeah funny story…we lost Wesker five minutes in.
Taylor: Ninjas. Don't ask how or why, ninjas just came in & owned him bad.
Sakura: And lemme guess, zombies did in New Edge.
Dave: Funny story that…see…
(45 minutes prior in the sewers…)
Taylor: Ever wonder why there are bridges or whirlpools in the sewers?
Dave: No, not really. I'm just trying to wrap around my head the fact the whirlpool in question seems to be a whirling mass of red & blue right now.
N.E.: Oh that…that's just a swirling vortex into some ungodly dimension.
Taylor: Wow, I always thought they would be bigger.
(It is at this point in time that a Cthulu appears before them.)
Cthulu: Behold mere mortals the end of your pitiful plane of existence! Know now that after I devour your flesh & your souls, I will run rampart over this planet, bringing the sweet release of death over your lands, take delight in plunging your lands into eternal darkness & feast upon…
Taylor: B.E., take him down.
(a Blue Eyes White Dragon hovers down & bites off Cthulu's head before incinerating the remains with a barrage of lightning blasts.)
N.E.: 00
Dave: Well that was pointless.
Taylor: Yeah, Cthulus are highly overrated don't you think?
N.E.: WHEN DID YOU FIND THE TIME TO BRING THAT OUT!
Taylor: Uh, two turns ago when I used Premature Burial to bring Wesker back & used Cost Down to sacrifice him for Blue Eyes. Of course, I had to sacrifice some of your life points to do it…
N.E.: THIS MAKES NO SENSE! And when did you use my life points to do anything?
(At this point another Cthulu appears.)
Cthulu: Hey, have you seen my brother? Bit tall, mass of tentacles around the face, always going on about…OH CRAP! Which one of you did this!
Taylor: Uh, me. Sorta. My dragon really did the handiwork.
Cthulu: That was my brother you killed.
Dave: Well he was threatening to kill all of us & plunge our realm into chaos, what were we expected to do?
Cthulu: Ever hear of a practical freaking JOKE? God, we just like messing with you mortals, we don't care about killing anyone. Stupid H.P. Lovecraft! Make one prank call & our entire race gets demonized for it.
Dave: Yeah, sorry about that.
Cthulu: I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for that damn Necronomicron. Now I'm stuck with having to enact the blood pact & kill all in the immediate vicinity, but seeing as how someone summoned a Blue Eyes White Dragon, this could be dicey…and I just HAD to leave my Buster Blader behind.
Dave: Look, there could be a better way to resolve this.
Cthulu: Oh sure. There's one way.
Taylor: Shoot.
Cthulu: One of you men must give himself unto me.
Dave: I'm not too into human sacrifice
Cthulu: Sexually.
B.E.W.D: Uh…I think we know where this is headed. (all look at New Edge)
N.E.: Why me?
B.E.W.D: I'm a girl, stupid.
Taylor: I told you, cannon fodder.
(Back to the present)
Sakura: So, instead of having a horrible, reality altering battle to the death, you gave a Cthulu New Edge so it can sexually violate him in return for a peaceful resolvement of aggression.
Dave: And some Guinness ale.
Taylor: Pretty much.
Penny: I don't see this tale ending any other way.
Sakura: Until next time gamers!
Duo: I've come up with a box that will keep your beer cold for many a day!
Dave: A cold box! BRILLIANT!