An Unexpected Love: Help Me

by tarskeewee08

Her kiss is everything I remembered it to be as I feel the swell of her belly pushing into my chest; I comb my fingers through her hair and hold her to me with my free hand. For exactly 3 minutes I have her back. I mean she's in my arms and she's kissing me with as much love that we can share. My tension and anxiety eases some while my heart pumps life back through my veins. I was and am a dying man without her.

Then she regains control and struggles in my arms. I hold her tighter careful not to hurt her but determined not to let me go. She pushes her hands against my chest and turns her head to escape my tongue. I immediately bury my face in her neck and continue my desperate love kisses.

"John stop…." she says weakly, as I now hold her with both arms and she struggles to push free. Inhaling her scent of fresh soap and toothpaste I continue my hungry need for her.

"Stop John!" she says more forcefully and god help me but I still don't let her go. I don't know what's wrong with me and now we are struggling against each other. She gets one arm free and pushes harder bringing my face up from her neck. She immediately slaps me and I release her from shock.

Stumbling back she looks at me surprised and angry. "What the hell is wrong with you! Get out!" she screams.

Looking at her with my hair in my face, I'm so sorry for forcing myself on her. I don't know why I did that. "Evangeline please..."

"No! Get out!" she says placing her hand to her mouth and the other to her belly.
My nervous regret for forcing myself on her closes my throat making it hard to swallow. Moving my hair from my face I lower it in shame.

"I want you out of here now!" she yells again.

"Please don't send me away. I need you two so desperately. I'm sorry really I am but having you here like this is making me crazy with despair. I can't loose you Van, I'm terrified."

She stares at me and I'm willing to fall to her feet if she wants me too. Anything to make her see I need help. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be the man she wants and the father our child deserves. I have so many problems. I need her.

"Go..." she says turning and heading to the door.
I look at her shocked. I can't believe she will throw me out. "Please, I won't touch you I swear. Just talk to me, just hear me out."
"No…" she says holding the door open unwilling to let me into her heart.
"Please Van, I know you love me. I felt it in that kiss. Just hear me out."

She closes the door slowly and leans against it. I see my window of opportunity with her is short and I try to gain control. Evangeline is a woman of reason. She won't respond well to me being illogical and forceful with her. I have to pace myself.

"John…."
"Hear me out first." I say quickly throwing my hand up. "You have to admit this is all a shock to me."
She looks at me and says nothing.
"Okay, here's the deal Van, we have to discuss our future. I can't think straight right now with the possibility that you will leave here and take her from me."
"It's not a possibility it's a reality John" she says staring me in the eye.
"Why, do you hate me? Why won't you let me in?" I ask taking a step to her.

"Because it's not about me anymore, it's about her." she says touching her belly. "What do you have to offer us? What has changed for you since we arrived? Did you tell Natalie I was pregnant? Did you end things officially with her?"

I look at her and frown. Why does it always go back to Natalie? I don't want to deal with Natalie now. I can't handle that, it's too complicated. I just want her. "That has nothing to do with my daughter, with me and you."

She drops her head sadly "I knew you wouldn't. You just want the easy way out, you find ways to constantly step away from the real issues you face. Blame me, blame timing, blame Natalie but never blame yourself for the hell you created for the three of us. As much as I believe Natalie is at fault for enabling you, its really all you. I won't let you off easy."

I wipe at my face and I'm exhausted. I don't want to think of my dad, Caitlyn and the truth about Natalie. I just want her arms around me. "Let me stay the night. Let me hold you" I say ignoring the look of contempt on her face and coming to her.

"John No! What's wrong with you….leave!" she says turning the knob behind her and I walk briskly to her throwing my hand up on the door forcing it back close. Bringing my face to hers she looks up at me confused and hurt.

"Please baby I'm falling apart. Can't you see that I need help? I need you to help me."

She shakes her head slowly "I can't, I don't have the energy. I'm pregnant for Christ sake. I can't take care of you, myself and this baby."

I touch her face. "Then let me help you. Let me take care of you tonight. I can sleep on the couch. Just please let me stay near you."

"John move. I mean it."

I fall into her and rest my head on her shoulder. She presses herself against the door and I know I'm scaring her, but I can't stop. I place my hand on her belly and rub it gently. Kissing the inside of her neck I whisper in her ear. "I love you and I love her. Just tell me you believe me. Tell me you at least believe that and I will leave."

She turns her face from me and avoids my eyes. I kiss her neck again and stroke her belly. "Tell me baby. Tell me that you know my heart."

I hear her whimper and I know she's crying. I can't do this to her. She's carrying my child her sister's in a coma. The stress alone is dangerous. Pulling myself off her she bursts into tears and walks away heading her bedroom I watch her leave and I notice that I'm crying as well. Giving up I turn the knob to the door and leave.

Before I know it I'm in my mustang and I'm driving crying harder. I remember Caitlyn and I discussing kids. How she wanted a family with me and I told her to wait. I told her that she would have plenty of time. I see her body laying limply in my arms and her eyes staring up at me cold and lifeless. I hear me screaming at loosing my one shot at happiness.

I think of my dad, how loosing him and not having a father destroyed my childhood. Football, soccer, baseball all empty sports with no one but my mom and Mikey to cheer me on.

My baby girl being in this world hundred of miles away from me thinking I don't exist. Or worse another man filling my spot and experiencing the joys of fatherhood that should be mine makes me sick. Driving erratically I wipe at my tears and try to focus on the road. Evangeline and I have so many moments of happiness to reflect on, why must she focus on the pain. Why can't we just forget it all and start fresh and pretend it never happened. Damn her why does she insist on pushing me away! Why won't she just be mine again!

Turning to the garage I speed through and cry openly. I don't want to hurt anymore, I want to forget. I need to forget. I just want to escape and feel nothing. Parking I lay my head on the steering wheel and the pain of pushing her further away tonight has a hold of me making me crazier with desperation. She can't do this to me! She has to show me how to fix this!

Squeezing the steering wheel so tight my hands ache I cry out in rage and frustration at my own weakness. I can't get a handle on my emotions and images of them all bombard me at once. I'm slipping down into my darkness again and a feeling of drowning takes over me. I struggle to breathe and pound my head on the steering wheel feeling no pain. Oh god what's wrong with me? She's right I need help.

Getting out the car I walk through the garage numb. I can't tell how I got to my room in the hotel but I turn the knob and find my door open already. Walking inside the dark suite I close the door and toss my keys.

"Are you okay?"
Looking up I see her in the darkness sitting across the room in a chair staring at me. Why is she here?
"Get out" I say dragging myself to my room.
She gets up and comes after me. "You went to her didn't you?"
"Get out" I say again and fall across my bed. I don't know what happened tonight but I'm emotionally drained.

I feel her pulling my shoes off as I turn over and close my eyes. They're always let down by me. All the people I love let down time and time again by me. I can't risk harming my daughter or Evangeline. I will only fail them. Moaning I try to settle the burning need for Evangeline in my chest.

I remember one of the many nights in here with her, she's holding me and telling me that she can be patient. She says she loves me. I feel her touch my face the pain of all these failures subsides. She kisses my lips.

"I love you John let me help you" she says.

"I love you Evangeline" I say opening my mouth to receive her kiss. I run my hands through her hair and pull her to me. I want her back I need her back. She runs her hands over my chest and I sigh with relief. She's here she's with me.

Opening my eyes I see red hair and realize that it's Natalie that I'm kissing. Pushing her back she stares down in my face and I see her face change and fade. It's Evangeline again and I have her back. As I pull her to me I see it's now Caitlyn and she's forgiven me for failing her. Rolling her over I kiss her neck and face. "Katie I'm so sorry I didn't mean to fail you" I say slipping my hand under her shirt feeling her breast.

"It's okay John, I'm here" she cooe's in my ear and I look back up in her face. It's not Caitlyn its Evangeline and she's smiling at me. I see her love for me, her belief in me. She thinks I'm a good person and when I'm with her I am. I kiss her and slide my hands to her jeans. Unbuttoning them I feel my heart quicken with the knowledge that I will have her again. Something is wrong she doesn't feel like my Van. Opening my eyes, I see Natalie under me now half naked. I move off her and shake my head no. God what is wrong with me. My breath grows short and I squeeze my eyes closed again. She's kissing my neck and I push her away. "No…"

"John you need this. I can help."
I shake my head no. "I don't want you. I never did."
She touches my face and pulls it to hers I open my eyes and I see Natalie's blue cold eyes staring back at me. "Let me help you. I know what you need." she says and then kisses me.

She climbs on top of me and grinds against me. I grab her hair and kiss her back. I hate myself for doing this but I want to escape. She helps me forget. She helps me disappear. I can't face the truth about me or what I am. I can't face anything. Feeling her working on my belt I keep my eyes closed and do what I've done over an over I pretend. I pretend it's my Van and I have her again. She tries to work me into her but I'm not hard enough and I can't convince myself even in my delusions to give into her. Something's different. It's the addition of my baby. I've failed Evangeline and I know that, but if I have sex with Natalie now I fail my daughter and that's too much for me.

Pushing her forcefully off me I sit up on bed with my back to her struggling to breathe I shake the nightmare I've dragged myself back to. She comes behind me on her knees in the bed and put her bare breast against my back. Sliding her hand down my chest she leans over my shoulder and tries to kiss my neck.

"Evangeline's pregnant" I say
She stops cold and I know that her face is contorted with shock and horror. She sits back on her hind legs. "What!"

I put my now pounding head in my hands. "She's carrying my child Natalie. Whatever it is between us I want to be free. I want you to go now and leave your key. I want you to turn when you see me and go the other way. I want you to disappear."

She sits on the bed silent for eternity and I swear if she doesn't speak soon I will physically throw her out.

"Are you sure it's yours?"
I turn back and look at her. "Of course its mine!"

"But how? You were with me! How could she…unless…."
"It happened when we were trapped in the evidence room"
Natalie jumps from the bed. "What! You cheated on me!"

I looked up at her. "It just happened."
"My god John…what the hell is wrong with you?"
I shake my head. "I'm sick and you know that. How many times have we had sex when I called out her name? How many times have you laid there and let me pretend it was her or Caitlyn. You know what's wrong with me and you signed on for it."

Crying she shakes her head. "I know you have problems. I know it's hard for you to get past them but I was here to help you. Now this? How do we get past this?"

I look at her in disgust. "We don't. I get help and you move on!"

She falls to her knees in front of me and looks up at me pleadingly. "No don't turn away from me now. You don't need professional help you just need to be loved for who you are. I can take it. Trust me in time you will see the love we share and Caitlyn and Evangeline won't hurt you anymore." She touches my face and I push her hand away.

"Natalie please go. I can't deal with you. I will try to get me some help but I want you gone."

"No John…no god no" she says crying. I reach behind me and grab her pants, underwear and shirt throwing them at her. She's crying and wailing and I get up to leave but she grabs my leg. "I won't let her win. I won't let her have you!"

I look down at her and I see what it is for now. Why she let me use her body and abuse her feelings. It's about her destroying Evangeline. Her husband returning wasn't enough for her. This hatred of Evangeline is what made her cling to me still. We both are sick and I'm repulsed by the sight of her.

Kneeling I pull her off my leg and pick her up naked pushing her on the bed. "Get dressed and get out!" I turn and walk out of the room slamming the door. Hearing her scream inside and something come crashing against the back of the door I shake my head. Zipping my pants I walk over to the fridge and grab some beers. I go and put my thick leather bomber jacket throwing it over my bare chest. Zipping it up I walk out of the apartment and escape to the roof. I will remain there until she is gone. This thing with us is over and it's my first step in proving myself to my Vangie, and our baby girl.

Walking up the stairs the roof self doubt creeps in and I look at the beers in my hand. I'm transferring one form of abuse to another. Instead of taking out my pain on Natalie I will drink it away. God I have to get help. I have to get stronger, I have to do it soon or I will loose everything forever.