Sakura & Ibuki: Professional Fighting Schoolgirls
Episode 6: Jump Superstar Fight Club
By Kairi Taylor
(The scene is outside of Nintendo's R&D center somewhere in Japan. Sakura & Ibuki, in full fighting gear are on their way.)
Ibuki: And to this day, they still remain clueless about how the penguins got in his house.
Sakura: Wow, never a dull moment around Gen's place. Oh, hello there! We've been invited to take place in a bit of an exhibition.
Ibuki: Normally, Nintendo doesn't do a lot of fighting tourneys, but when they do, it is a very big deal. Hence the title of today's episode. Uh, what is it?
(Kevin Rian holds up a sign that reads 'Jump Superstars Fight Club.)
Brad Pitt: First rule of Jump Superstars Fight Club: you do not talk about Jump Superstars Fight Club!
Kevin: And what are you doing now?
Brad: Uh…discussing the first rule of Jump Superstar Fight Club.
Kevin: That is a no-no! You know what this means…
Yami Yugi: PENALTY GAME! REVENGE OF THE JILTED LOVER!
(Jennifer Aniston rushes in & beans Brad with a steel chair.)
Sakura: I thought your penalty games required use of the Millennium Puzzle.
Ibuki: Yeah…and weren't you sent off to your eternal rest after your other self beat you in that ceremony?
Yami Yugi: SHHHH! The young American fans do not get that part until the end of the summer.
Sakura: Oh well, let's see what Nintendo has in store for us.
(A short time later, the duo find themselves in a large lobby, at a booth manned by Bowser.)
Bowser: Yo! Welcome, lovely young Japanese schoolgirls to Nintendo's Annual Jump Fight Fiesta 2006! I'll be taking your registration forms today. Is this the first time you've been to a Nintendo fight tourney?
Sakura: Sort of. I applied to be a Smash Bros. last time, but Capcom decided my services were better off for Capcom only fights.
Bowser: Oh, how'd that work out.
Sakura: Capcom Fighting Evolution. Does that say enough?
Ibuki: More than the audience will ever know.
Sakura: How'd they get you to do the desk job?
Bowser: Ah, it was this or be the guy in charge of the salvage crew in War Worlds. Let me tell you something, that damn Olaf goes through more Mid Tanks than God ever intended a man to go through. And don't get me started on Eagle. If your specialty is in the air force & you're given the option to do a mission with naval forces, for the love of mana, LET THE NAVAL C.O. HANDLE IT! You should have seen all the wrecked battleships. You'd think it was the Titanic debacle repeated ad nauseum, only replace the icebergs with big friggin' cannons!
Ibuki: Yeesh…glad I just chose 'ninja' in 5th grade.
Bowser: Anyway, due to some incidents last time involving explosives and certain orifices (damn you Link), the company requests that you sign some waivers.
Sakura: Let's see…'not responsible for injuries sustained from bombs, spikes, arrows, red and/or green fireballs, Spinys, Bob-ombs, lasers, acid, lava, magic, giant mecha, devil fruit based powers, undead, ninjitsu, taijutsu, genjutsu, Orochi power, Rei based attacks, WMDs that turn out to belong to Iraq or anything that Jigglypuff does to you. And if you are getting your ass kicked by Jigglypuff, you are as lame as Sean.'
Sean: WHAT! Who wrote this crap?
(Dan walks away whistling as the two meet up with May, Viewtiful Joe & Penny.)
May: Hey, you guys got invited too?
Sakura: Yup, although mine was delivered by an Albatoss.
Ibuki: Really? Marth just galloped in on his steed and handed me mine before riding off into the sunset. Quite dreamy actually.
Penny: A Birdo spat an invitation wrapped around an egg into my window.
May: I got mine because of the Kakariko Fried Cuckoo contest Chang entered. That man loves his fried birds.
Joe: Mine was hand delivered by Princess Daisy…that's when Silvia walked in. She thought I was hitting on her and…well, you see the need for the eye patch, right?
May: This fight is different though. We'll have to tag out on the fly, and we need at least two other people to assist us in some way. It's part of the 'Koma' system.
Sakura: Wait, this isn't a Smash Bros. type of fight?
Joe: No. Most of the people showing up today are from anime or manga. (At this point, Jonouchi appears.)
Jonouchi: Hey, you guys seen Yugi?
May: Missed him by one scene.
Jonouchi: Damn. Anyway, you'll have to step over here, they're getting ready to assign the levels your main fighters will be.
Sakura: Righty-oh. Let us make a couple of calls first…
(Some time later, as Ibuki gets a drink, she meets up with Taylor, who's reading a book. Instead of the Nabeshin getup he usually has, he is wearing gray jeans and a black shirt. A bokken is at his side.)
Ibuki: Hey, you got an invite too?
Taylor: Yup! Nintendo had a big drawing for some of the fans to fight too. I lucked out & was one of the first few chosen. (Busterbeam walks in.)
Busterbeam: Well, it's official; I got regulated to Level 3 Koma status.
Taylor: Could have been worse. Level 1 ensures you don't even get to go out there.
Busterbeam: Yeah, but you get to be Level 5! How'd you manage that?
Taylor: I loves to fight, what can I say? Besides, our partner, who is running late, is WAY stronger then either of us.
Ibuki: Stronger?
Taylor: Level 7 to be precise.
(Back to Sakura, May & Penny.)
May: So, you're Level 4 & our partner, who oughta be here now, is Level 5.
Penny: Damn it, I thought I'd get Level 5 too!
May: I think calling the ranking machine a 'piece of Pentium 3 based crap' was the catalyst.
Sakura: So, who's your partner?
Penny: A ninja by the name of—
(Rock Lee suddenly drops in.)
Sakura: WHOA! ROCK LEE!
Rock: Finally, my prayers have been answered! WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME, I'M READY TO GO! (jabs a few times in the air.)
Penny: Settle down, we'll be there in a minute.
May: And whatever you do, don't overdo it. The last time you did, the paramedics fainted the minute they arrived on the scene.
Rock: Oh, yeah, I remember…Choi does heal fast though.
May: Choi yes. The 20 bones in his arms & his kidneys are another matter.
(A Judge on a Chocobo leads May & here group to the battleground, which is the Forest of Death from Naruto.)
Rock: Hmm, it's this place again. 2nd time I've been here.
Penny: Really? I thought you only went here once.
Rock: Took the Chunin exams again & passed…should the audience know this info? Most of them don't read fan translated manga.
Penny: Well, they will now.
May: Ok, who are our opponents?
(On cue, Jann Lee leaps in, with a flying front kick, and lands on a tree a few feet away from them.)
Jann: HWAAAAA! Behold, I am the strongest DOA fighter! I am Jann Lee!
Rock: Who's the Bruce Lee knockoff?
Jann: I am NOT a knockoff.
Rock: You sound like Bruce Lee when you fight, and I bet you use Jeet Kun Do, right?
Jann: Oh, and what about you?
Rock: I'm 100 original, bud!
Jann: Sure, whatever, my Level 6 abilities will knock that Moe Howard haircut back to the 30's where it belongs! (At this point, Mousse walks in.)
Mousse: Damn it, Jann, I told you to wait up for me! (Shakes May.)
May: I am not Jann! Please stop shaking me.
Mousse: Huh? (Puts on glasses.) Oh, sorry about that. Hey Penny, long time no see.
Penny: Hey there!
Rock: You know each other?
Mousse: We both work for Taylor's brother.
Penny: Weird world, ain't it. So, what brings you here?
Mousse: Well, Jann needed a partner, but Tao Ren cancelled at the last minute. Said something about 'not wanting to tag with an absolute jiang-shi's ass who wishes he was as bad ass as the ninja he's apparently a rival with'.
Jann: Hey, I knocked out a T-Rex!
May: What'cha want, a cookie? I think I'll let Penny & Rock handle this.
Judge: Alright fighters, to your places.
Jann: Let me go first Mousse, I'm raring to go!
Mousse: Yeah, just try not to make too many of those weird noises when you punch someone. It didn't look right when Bruce did it and it sure as hell don't look better with you doing it.
(Elsewhere, watching the fight on a big screen is Sakura, Taylor & Busterbeam, who are all eating cup ramen.)
Sakura: Do you carry this stuff around all the time?
Taylor: One of the things I've learned as a college student is just how invaluable these things are. Yum, spicy chicken.
Sakura: I prefer shrimp myself.
Busterbeam: Looks like Jann is putting up a good fight.
Taylor: Yeah, but Rock's got more than enough to take him!
(Jann manages to assault Rock & hit him with his Flying Front Kick, which knocks him back several feet.)
Jann: YEAH! How you like that!
Rock: So, this is the power that had knocked out a T-Rex? In that case, all those hits master Gai hit me with must be able to knock out a Colossus!
Taylor: A 'Shadow of the Colossus' reference…I'm losing my touch.
(Jann lunges, attempting a haymaker. Rock blocks & uses his counter attack, an elbow, to force Jann back. Then, Rock makes his move.)
Jann: Oh crap…
Rock: KONOHA SENNPU!
(Rock smashes into Jann with multiple kicks, before kicking Jann into the air & following up with the Shadow Leaf technique, driving him into the ground for a brutal knockout.)
Judge: K.O.!
Rock: Was there any doubt? (Gives a thumbs up & smiles)
Kim: HEY! THAT'S MY STYLE!
(Meanwhile, Sakura & Ibuki are playing with their respective Nintendo DS games, while Busterbeam & Taylor look over some manga.)
Sakura: So, what made you buy a DS anyway?
Ibuki: I think Animal Crossing did it for me. I was really hooked on the GC version. I spent 5 days fishing so I could make enough bells to pay off the mortgage the first time around. What 'bout you?
Sakura: Phoenix Wright. That was just awesome on so many levels.
Taylor: You know, ever since that game came out, I heard people have been acting rather…odd.
Busterbeam: Define odd.
Taylor: Well…
(DOATEC building. Kasumi is fighting Alpha 152. During a particularly damaging combo she delivers, Alpha manages to pull her infamous face exploding throw from out of nowhere.)
Alpha: Ha ha!
Kasumi: What in the---
: OBJECTION!
(Hayabusa drops in, briefcase in hand.)
Alpha: What the hell?
Hayabusa: During that last combo, you took several mid kicks into the abs & kidneys, yet with little effort you managed to grab Kasumi & perform a highly damaging throw. But your arms…they were not in the position needed to perform the throw.
Kasumi: Yeah! And one kick you do takes out more than 35 of my health.
Hayabusa: In short…(dramatic pose, complete with pointing) YOU ARE CHEATING!
Alpha: GAH! HOW COULD YOU HAVE KNOWN!
Hayabusa: And there's the bastard giving you aid! (Points to Von Karma.)
Von Karma: Oh crap. I should have stuck to being a prosecutor.
Hayabusa: Damn right.
(Hayabusa Izuma Drops Von Karma. Repeatedly. Face first. Into a box of barb wire.)
Taylor: And imagine a KOF team of Kasumi, Tina & Hitomi. You have a ménage a tois of awesome right there.
Busterbeam: Yeah, but replace Kasumi with Brad Wong and you'd see better results.
Sakura: I only have one question: why does it seem like all female ninjas are…'gifted'?
Ibuki: How so?
Sakura: I don't want to point it out…but…well, you know…(points at Ibuki)
Ibuki: Ohh…uh, well it's not all of us.
Sakura: Let's see, you, Mai, Taki, Ayane, Kasumi, Maki, Hibana, those women from Sengoku 3, Tsunade…
Busterbeam: Wait what about Yuff-(Taylor puts his hands over Buster's mouth.)
Taylor: If you ever want to live to see the Knicks win the NBA finals, you will never finish that chain of thought. She's 'very' sensitive about that.
Busterbeam: How sensitive?
Taylor: Lina Inverse to the 20th power sensitive.
Busterbeam: Oh.
(Back to the fight. Mousse leaps into the air & dives at Penny, several swords sticking out from his sleeves.)
Penny: Damn, how many swords are you carrying?
Mousse: A lot. Some in places man was never meant to carry a blade.
Penny: Uh, right. NOW JOE! (Joe appears in front of Penny)
Joe: Gotcha! (Assaults Mousse with the Red Hot One Hundred.)
Mousse: So much for my wisdom tooth!
Penny: My turn!
(Penny, in a blur of typical ninja speed, dashes forwards & punches Mousse high into the air, then leaps and bicycle kicks him in the gut several times before sending him to the ground with a massive spinning heel kick for the win.)
Mousse: Wow…you did…get better…(faints)
Penny: Was there any doubt?
Kaiba: Hell yeah there was! Anyone really think a girl who gets captured as much as she does would really be able to learn ninjitsu and defend herself?
Penny: … (dashes forward and reappears behind Kaiba, with two Kodachi at her side. A few seconds later, Kaiba is assaulted with several burning slashes.)
Kaiba: I stand corrected. (faints from blood loss.)
(Back at the booths.)
Sakura: A multi man fight?
Ibuki: Yeah, that's what we got. Us, Taylor's team, and a couple of other teams are supposed to fight next.
Sakura: Fine by me, but the other partner I have helping us out isn't gonna be here for another five minutes. And we need one other partner.
Ibuki: I've got that avenue covered. Let's just get on down to the arena for the bout. And do try not to blow your budget on the chocolate flavored bananas.
Sakura: It's a FESTIVAL. What do you expect of me?
(The setting is Furinkan High School for the next bout. Sakura has already arrived, along with Taylor.)
Sakura: So, finally…we get to settle this whole 'fanboy vs. fangirl' thing.
Taylor: I could have sworn that we had finished it with the Duck Duck Goose Wars. Ah youth. So, who are we fighting?
Sakura: Good question. Probably some long lost powerful manga hero of days past.
(At this point New Edge comes in.)
Sakura: Or not.
N. Edge: FINALLY! ME AND YOU ONE ON ONE! THIS IS PAYBACK FOR YEAR AFTER YEAR OF ABUSE & TORMENT!
Taylor: Simmer down, I haven't done you wrong so badly.
N. Edge: Uh let's see…there were the Hardcore fights…the weapons fights…oh yeah, that time in the North Pole…oh, and firing the Vortex Gun in my face, how is THAT for just provocation?
Taylor: The Vortex Gun thing was Dazz, it was his birthday.
Sakura: Um, you fired the gun as soon as you entered the party.
Taylor: Oh yeah, I remember. Sorry, I developed a troublesome habit over the years.
Sakura: You never fired a Vortex Gun at me.
Taylor: One, you're cute, two, I like you, three, you don't send me crap associated with furries or complain about the sad state of cartoons I couldn't give two shits about. And for the record, I DON'T WATCH CARTOON NETWORK ALL THE TIME, SO I COULDN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE PROGRAMMING YOU HORSE'S ASS!
N. Edge: Someone needs to lay off the rageahol.
Taylor: Anyway, my partner will be starting off first, I'll let her deal with New Edge.
Sakura: Hey, who is this partner of yours anyway?
(It is at this point in time that Ururu Tsumugiya appears besides Taylor.)
N. Edge: …
Ururu: Hello.
N. Edge: Oh please, THIS little girl? Are you serious, c'mon!
Sakura: Oh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap…
(Yuri & Yuffie take this opportunity to appear.)
Yuri: Ah, Furinkan High. This brings back so many memories…
Yuffie: You are an Furinkan High alum?
Yuri: No, my school had an Anything Goes Martial Arts Taikyo Drum contest with them every year. It usually ended in disaster for the food vendors though. Oh, hey Sakura, Retro Kid.
N. Edge: Will you stop calling me that?
Yuffie: You constantly spit out 80's cartoon trivia every time we come across each other. You more than earned that moniker. So, you ready to fight or what?
N. Edge: Sure, whatever. After I mop the floor with this urchin here, Taylor's next on my list anyway.
Yuri: Ummm…
Yuffie: Edge, are you AT ALL familiar with 'Bleach'?
N. Edge: Should I be?
Yuri: …let me start off.
(N. Edge, Ururu, Sakura & Yuri all start off in the middle of Furinken High's schoolyard.)
Announcer: Ready, Set…GO!
N. Edge: That announcer sounds familiar.
Announcer: I was once the disembodied voice for X Play.
N. Edge: Oh…say why did you…
Announcer: I made the mistake of comparing G4 to a festering plague of the bends.
N. Edge: Yeah, that will get you on the unemployment line.
(Before N. Edge has a chance to react, Ururu dashes forward quickly and swings a hard hook. N. Edge narrowly misses before noticing that the punch has created a large gaping hole in the nearby tree.)
N. Edge: WHAT THE CRAP!
Sakura: Don't look at me! (Dodges a few well used kicks from Yuri) I wasn't the dumbass who insulted her!
N. Edge: How was I supposed to know that she's more powerful than the entire 1985 Chicago Bears lineup?
Sakura: Maybe next time you'll read some damn manga! HADOUKEN! (exchanges fireballs with Yuri)
N. Edge: Ok, time for tactical maneuver #243! The most famous of the Anything Goes Martial Arts Techniques!
(Runs right towards Ururu.)
Yuri: He's actually going for a suicide attack?
(Runs right PAST Ururu.)
Yuri: Guess he wasn't that stupid.
N. Edge: Gotta think, gotta think…AHA! (Sees a treasure chest.) There's bound to be an item in there to help me!
(N. Edge kicks the chest open.)
N. Edge: Let's see…Jump Pirate Head, Apple, Roast, Can With Skull & Crossbones…whoa, I feel like crap all of a sudden…GOT IT! (Pulls out a bomb.) EAT DIVINE HEDGEHOG RETRIBUTION!
Sonic: (From afar) You're not a hedgehog!
N. Edge: Whatever. EAT RETRIBUTION REGARDLESS OF THE ORIGIN!
(Tosses the bomb. Ururu merely pulls out a spirit ward covered weapon & opens fire, destroying the bomb & bombarding N. Edge with multiple shots.)
Yuri: Time to end this Kasugano! HAOH SHO OH KEN!
Sakura: Crap! (Manages to jump over the massive fireball) Summon Time!
(A massive explosion of smoke appears. Shino Aburame, riding a giant beetle, comes in, tackling Yuri in the process.)
Yuri: HOLY SMOKES! (Launched into the air.)
Sakura: Ha hah, try & top that!
Yuri: Challenge accepted! GET 'ER GIRLFRIEND!
(Motoko Aoyama leaps in front of Yuri, sword raised.)
Motoko: Boulder Cutting Blade, 2nd Form!
Sakura: Oh, great…
(Right before impact, N. Edge staggers in front of Sakura.)
N. Edge: Anyone get the number of that semi…(Is slammed down hard by the force of the attack.) Never mind, I found it.
(Meanwhile, in the observation booth, Ryu & Guy are watching.)
Ryu: So, how do these guys stack up?
Guy: Not bad…although that Ururu girl seems to be moping the floor with the Edge character.
Ryu: Yeah, well, he opted to fight by himself. We tried to tell him that it was a team battle, but he insisted on going at it by himself.
Guy: It can't be too bad if he fights alone.
Ryu: Yeah, but he's Level 4…and he has about 15 help Komas.
Guy: Well…he knows how to use them right? (An explosion later.) Ok, scratch that. He knows of their existence, correct?
(Back to the fight. Ibuki is now fighting with Yuffie. Both are exchanging their respective shuriken attacks.)
Ibuki: Geez, don't you ever run out of the damn things!
Yuffie: I was gonna ask you the same question!
Ibuki: Fine, I'll just get by with a little help from my friend. NOW!
(Making a very grandiose entrance is Dark Schneider, who holds a mug of beer in his hands.)
Dark: Wha, am I on? Right…BWAHAHAHAHA! Witness, young & buxom maiden, as I unleash my totally awesome spell that will dazzle the simple & common video game otaku!
Yuffie: Oh, is that all. See, I was hoping you'd summon someone less obscure, but I guess I have to call out my ace in the hole. Say Schneider…meet my personal favorite magic user.
(Lina Inverse appears.)
Ibuki: Damn.
Lina: Ah, so who's talk dark & drunk over there? Not another Sephiroth template I hope.
Dark: I would be insulted if I wasn't amused by the obvious lack of boobage both you and your associate seem to suffer from.
Lina & Yuffie: WHAT DID YOU SAY!
Dark: Now run along, little girls (and I mean that in every way) as I show those two over there (points to New Edge & Ururu, who are still fighting) how a REAL kickass attack is supposed to…HEY, why are you hiding underneath what looks like a makeshift bomb shelter?
Ibuki: Because I do not want to die.
Dark: What are you---does anyone else sense a highly concentrated mass of magical energy?
Lina: DRAGON SLAVE!
Yuffie: ALL CREATION!
(For the next 20 seconds, a massive explosion of epic proportions fills the area. When the dust clears, there is a massive crater where Dark Schneider was standing at.)
N. Edge: Is this scene over yet? (Busterbeam appears.)
Buster: Almost. (Strikes N. Edge multiple times in the chest.) There. That oughta do it.
N. Edge: Do what?
Buster: I fixed it so that you can't guard for 5 seconds.
N. Edge: Why?
Buster: So Ururu can do this.
(Ururu suddenly teleports in front of N. Edge & kicks him. HARD. So hard he is literally sent flying into the school. Which then inexplicitly explodes.)
Ururu: Uh…was that too much?
Everyone Else: NO!
(Suddenly, a huge TV appears overhead. A strange shadow appears.)
: Well well, you are all looking nice. But how about a challenge from a REAL master? If any of you think you can take me, just go through the red door & meet me in my personal arena!
Ibuki: Why should we?
: Well, duh, it's the obligatory boss challenge from out of nowhere. Every fighting game has them. So, you in or what? (Disappears.)
Sakura: So, now what?
Yuri: I just hope it's not Iori in drag again.
Iori: It was ONE TIME, OK? Can we let it go already?
Sakura: No. So, who wants to undertake a challenge that could severely cripple you for the rest of your life, but give the rest of us a chance to study up on this guys ability? (All look at Taylor.)
Taylor: Goddamn it, why me?
Sakura: You rather send what's left of New Edge in there?
Taylor: Yeah…but since his obligatory appearance is all used up, I guess I gotta bite the bullet. Yuffie…you with me?
Yuffie: Well, duh, the dojo is in both our names. Finally, we get to use our custom deck!
Ibuki: Custom?
Yuffie: Oh, you'll see, it's quite a deck.
(The duo arrive in front of the red door.)
Sakura: Don't worry pal, we're right behind you.
Ibuki: Specifically, in the observation booth, alongside Ryu & Guy…eating hot cross buns.
Taylor: The faith our friends exhibit in our abilities is overwhelming.
Yuffie: Oh relax, you've got yourself hitched to a gal with the tradition of thousands of years of Kisaragi ninjitsu at her disposal.
Taylor: Which reminds me, did you and Jubilee, in any way shape or form, do something to Scott, creator of VG Cats, and Morgan Webb?
Yuffie: No, why do you ask?
Taylor: Because I got two separate emails today. Scott seems to have an infestation of tonberries in his home & Morgan thinks SOMEONE tried to sic a Sentinal on her.
Yuffie: It could have been anyone.
Taylor: A card was left at Scott's, which read ' Girl ninjas rule!' Name one other ninja I know who is as immature and vindictive as you.
Yuffie: Her! (points to Misao.)
Taylor: Weasel girl? PLEASE!
Misao: It's like he wants me to hurt him…KEICHO KICK!
(Several minutes later…the duo arrive in front of a massive palace.)
Taylor: Wow, check this spot out.
Yuffie: Whoever wants to duke it out with us seems to be loaded. What's say we take a 'peek' inside after we mop the floor with their proverbial faces?
Taylor: If by 'peek' you mean carry off anything of value we physically can before they regain consciousness, we need to refrain from such behavior.
Yuffie: What if they are evil?
Taylor: Then Tom Nook will feast greatly tonight on the spoils of our victory.
: Ah, some opponents. Finally, a worthy foe for me to…
Taylor: Yeah yeah, we know the spiel, you want an awesome bout, show the world how great & terrible you are.
Yuffie: We've been through this before. Just make your damn entrance so we can proceed to commit acts of legal assault.
: Fine fine, killjoys.
(A man leaps into the ring. It is none other than Captain N)
Capt. N: Surprised?
Taylor: Just when I thought I was out, they PULL me back in.
Yuffie: You can't escape the 80s it seems.
Taylor: Yeah and I can't profit off of the nostalgia either. What do you want, douche?
Capt. N: C'mon, is that any way to treat an old enemy? I just wanted to give you and you friends my regards…mainly with my fists & my custom made Zapper. (Twirls the Zapper like an gunslinger.)
Taylor: Sakura, Ibuki, have I thanked EITHER of you for shirking the hero duties for this episode. (May walks in.)
May: Buck up pal, I've got your back too. Besides the audience hasn't seen enough of me lately.
Capt. N: Uh, who are you?
May: I was gonna ask you the same. What's with the varsity jacket & toy?
Taylor: A long story…
(One Wikipedia visit later…)
May: Wow, I thought I heard of this show before.
Yuffie: Yeah, me too. Alucard does not like that particular subject to be brought up.
Taylor: I'd sooner get this debacle over with that start reminiscing on certain episodes.
May: You admit to watching it though; that is the first step to recovery. The second step…violence.
Yuffie: What's bugging me is why is he throwing out a challenge now.
Capt. N: Look about you, my dear. It is the Golden Age of Games. PS2, GBA, Nintendo DS, X Box Live, PSP…and the moment the PS3 & Revolution is released, it will continue to flourish.
Taylor: Uh, what about the 360?
May: I paid an excess of 500 big ones & have yet to be fully wowed by the experience.
Alpha 152: DOA 4 is online you know.
(At this point, Taylor shoots Alpha 152 in the face with a magnum.)
Taylor: Point being?
May: You didn't have to do that to her.
Taylor: When was the last time you played DOA 4 in Time Attack Mode & lost to her for over an hour, losing all self respect as she continuously cheated her way to victory over and over again.?
May: Oh, well…(pours kerosene on Alpha 153 & lights her on fire.)
Capt. N: Getting back to me, I want in on the action. And I figure the best way to get in on the action was to take over Nintendo HQ.
Taylor: Uh…
Yuffie: Yeah, look, does it seem like we run Nintendo HQ?
Capt N: I know. See, this is what we call in the video game world a 'distraction'.
May: You mean, while we are fighting you, your friends will be attempting a takeover of Nintendo.
Capt. N: Catches on quick, doesn't she?
Taylor: Well, it's not like he could take over Microsoft. And if your lame ass plans for taking over the video game world seem to involve kicking my ass, I have an alternate plan. And it involves my foot making an imprint of this size 9 Reeboks onto the surface of your ass.
(Back at the observation booth…)
Sakura: Capt. N?
Ibuki: Takeover?
Guy: Reeboks? (An alarm goes off. Toad pops his head in.)
Toad: Sorry guests, but we seem to have a few intruders at the gates.
Sakura: Ryu! It's up to you man! You can make mincemeat out of these geeks.
Ryu: C'mon, it's my day off! This isn't even a Namco x Capcom tribute story!
Guy: Just who are these intruders anyway?
Toad: Let me see…(pulls out sword.) Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight!
(At the gates to Nintendo HQ are the Capt. N versions of Simon Belmont, Mega Man, Kid Icarus & Mother Brain.)
Toad: Oh man…a cavalcade of morons.
'MM': So, this is the mega-place?
'Simon': Look can we hurry this up? I have an appointment with my stylist at 9.
'Kid': At this rate, we'll have the area within our control in an hour. These defenses are pathetic.
'Mother': Oh mercy, why do I put up with this shit?
Sakura: I have an idea?
Joe: If it involves sending New Edge out there, I will state that for the record that he will more than likely join their side.
Sakura: I don't have an idea. (Penny walks in)
Penny: Oh God, not THEM!
Ibuki: Familiar with them?
Penny: Sadly, I have to say yes. Of all the ghosts from the 80's I never want to see again, I have to be haunted by them.
Joe: We need to get rid of them before they try to take over Nintendo HQ. And as violently as possible, thank you very much.
Penny: In that case, I've got the perfect plan. One I've been drafting for years. (Pulls out a manila folder.) I call it Operation: Payback.. And I'm gonna need your cell phone, Sakura.
(Meanwhile, Taylor, Yuffie & May face off against Capt. N.)
Taylor: So how should we do this?
Yuffie: You hate him more than we do.
May: Yeah, so you get the first shot.
Capt. N: Thanks, don't mind if I do!
(Capt. N fires off a volley of blasts at the trio. They all quickly scatter.)
Taylor: Did I mention that Zapper fires real lasers?
May: A little warning next time!
Capt. N: Aw c'mon, is that the best you got?
Yuffie: No, this is. (tosses a kunai dagger, disarming Capt. N.)
Capt. N.: Uh oh.
Yuffie: YOU'RE TOAST! (lunges in to hammer him with a fist to the face.)
Taylor: Wait, Yuff!
(Capt. N disappears.)
Yuffie: Where'd he go.
Taylor: He 'paused' on us.
May: Say what?
Taylor: That belt of his? It's a controller with a built in pause feature. And if I remember anything about the guy, he should be running out of power right about…
(blocks with his bokken as Capt. N tries to hit him from behind with a baseball bat )
Taylor: Nowish.
Capt. N: Geek.
Taylor: Whatever. (Grabs the Capt. & tosses him over his shoulder. Capt. N lands on his feet.)
Capt. N: Oh, did I show you MY kickass summon?
Yuffie: Whatever lame ass toon you can throw at us, we can take it!
May: Yeah!
Taylor: Bring it, jabroni!
(Capt. N summons Megatron)
Taylor: 00
May: …wow…
Yuffie: So, this is what a foot in the mouth feels like.
Megatron: Why did you summon me puny human?
Capt. N: It was either you or Starscream.
Megatron: Oh. Well, in that case…
Taylor: Not so fast! I've got a handy little summon of my own!
Capt. N: Don't tell me…You've got Optimus Prime!
Taylor: No…I work with manga, remember! BEHOLD AS I SUMMON FORTH ONE OF THE MOST FEARFUL ENTITIES IN ALL OF ANIME AND MANGA HISTORY!
(A puff of smoke and out steps Asuka Langley Soryu.)
Asuka: Hey, dumbass! What did you just say about me! (Gives Taylor a very angry look.)
Taylor: Just stating the obvious, is all. Quick, get in your Eva & kill the dynamic dumb asses over there.
Megatron: Who's the girl?
Capt. N: I dunno. And I fail to see what's so powerful about her.
Asuka: YOU EXPECT ME TO WASTE MY PERFECTLY GOOD PILOTING SKILLS ON THOSE TWO!
Capt. N: Never mind.
Megatron: There goes my sensors.
Taylor: Look, our team contract specifically states that you come in and perform an attack or assist when we are in battle.
Asuka: Yeah, but I was expecting something of an Angel-like threat of attack to make me use my Eva.
Yuffie: She has a point. He's barely bigger than a Gundam.
Megatron: If you don't mind, I'll just be aiming for the whole lot of them.
Asuka: SHIT! Look, I have an idea. Oh SHINJI!
Taylor: You can't do a summon! I just summoned you.
Asuka: Jump regulations clearly state I can do a attack in conjunction with a fellow member of my anime/manga.
Shinji: Hey what's up! WHOA! A mecha!
Megatron: Actually, I'm a Transformer, but thanks for the acknowledgement. Prepare yourself for oblivion and such.
Asuka: Do us a teeny, tiny favor & help get rid of this nasty robot. (grabs Shinji by his hand.)
Yuffie: When is she ever this nice to him?
Taylor: Usually, right before…
Shinji: What can I do?
Asuka: A little attack, something in the vein of---SHINJIDOUKEN!
(Tosses Shinji, head first, towards Capt. N & Megatron.)
Taylor: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GONNA DO!
Asuka: Just sit back and watch. The Third Child will come through for once.
Shinji: I mustn't run away…I mustn't run away…I WON'T RUN AWAY!
(Shinji's Eva comes out of nowhere and punches Megatron high into the air before he explodes.)
Yuffie: Yeah, who didn't see that coming.
Taylor: Liar.
Capt. N: Hah! You missed me. And I've got a hell of a lot more to take you down.
Shinji: Not so fast…Taylor, let ME get this guy.
Taylor: Uh…sure.
Asuka: What? Shinji, what the hell do you know about fighting?
Shinji: A lot more than you think. Misato's been training me. Plus I've got 14 something years of intense hatred for my father fueling me.
Asuka: That will do the trick. Knock 'im out Third Child.
Capt. N: I won't even need my Zapper for this. (Cracks his knuckles.)
Shinji: Whatever. Maybe I oughta let Toji take this guy…oh wait, he's dead.
(Capt. N rushes at Shinji. Shinji, standing calmly reaches into his pocket…and pulls out a copy of 'Make Out Paradise'.)
Asuka: Huh? HENTAI!
May: What are you doing!
Shinji: Catching up on my reading. I just gotta read the latest chapter!
Taylor: What the---HEY! That's my copy! (Is put into a headlock by Yuffie)
Yuffie: AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A COPY, HUH!
Capt. N: ….
Shinji: C'mon keep fighting. Even though we both know you don't stand a chance.
Capt. N: I'M GONNA FRIGGIN' KILL YA!
(Capt. N tries a variety of attacks on Shinji, who dodges them all as he continues to read from the book. As Capt. N lunges for a punch, Shinji backhands him across the face, then kicks him high into the air.)
Asuka: There goes his jaw.
Shinji: Do it! (Yomiko Readman appears)
Yomiko: Paper Airplane Assault! (Capt. N is shredded by a barrage of rapid fire paper airplanes.)
Capt. N: What the hell!
Shinji: I'm not done yet! Summon 2!
(Patlabor Unit 2, piloted by Noa, runs out & beans Capt. N with the baton.)
Capt. N: When…does the hurting…stop?
Shinji: Don't worry it ends...now! (Shinji picks up Capt. N & finishes him off with the Kiniku Buster.)
May: Wow…
Taylor: Shinji is more awesome than I thought.
Asuka: Which means Hell has become a glacier. So does this mean our portion of the story is over?
Taylor: Yup.
Shinji: Nutters.
Yuffie: Agreed…I'm hungry, let's see if that palace has any grub.
Shinji: So what should we do?
Asuka: I dunno…let's make out to kill some time.
Shinji: What!
Asuka: I'll take that as a yes! (Grabs Shinji & kisses him passionately.)
(Back in front of Nintendo HQ)
'Simon': Ha ha ha! Looks like the day is almost ours! Say, does my tan look alright?
'MM': Yeah, yeah, it looks mega tight!
'Kid': I can't believe all they got to defend this place was a army of Toads and Koopas.
'Mother': Honey, there ain't nothing a Koopa or a Toad can do except stand there & look pretty. Now let's take over & show these turkeys how to REALLY run a company.
: OBJECTION!
(Standing before them is Phoenix Wright)
'MM': Who the mega-hell is THAT?
Phoenix: You're the former stars of 'Captain N: The Game Master', am I correct?
'Simon': FORMER? I'm still as handsome as I was in 1989!
Phoenix: I'm afraid, 'Simon', that a few clients of mine wish to respectfully disagree with you…
(From out of the building steps Richter Belmont, Old School Mega Man, Pit & Samus.)
Richter: IMPOSTER! You have nothing to do with my family!
Mega: I can't believe people mistook me for you. Who looks at you and says 'Yeah, that's Mega Man alright!' (prepares Mega Buster
Pit: My name's not even Kid Icarus! That's the name of the game! Sheesh, I'm not even gonna waste my best arrows on you.
Samus: I wanna laugh at you, but I figure putting you out of your misery is much more human. And the REAL Mother Brain is gonna personally greet you…in Hell. (charges up her missiles.)
Phoenix: I'll leave the negotiations up to you. (walks away as the carnage commences.)
(Back at the booth)
Sakura: Wow…
Ibuki: You've been planning for this day for that long?
Penny: Well, a girl's got hobbies to keep her entertained. I was just lucky Phoenix wasn't too busy.
Phoenix: But you seem to have a grudge against those guys.
Joe: Yeah, what's the deal.
Penny: Don't ask. The answers would get all of you in trouble.
Sakura: Fair enough. Until next time gamers.
Guy: So, what do you want for that copy of Trauma Center?
And now, a public service message…(We are joined in a soundstage behind the scenes by Edward Elric, Yugi Muto & Son Goku, all sitting in chairs.)
Edward: Hi folks. We sure had a lot of fun tonight making fun of a lot of things.
Goku: Specifically stuff from the 80s the author wants to forget.
Edward: But I'll tell you what isn't funny anymore: complaints about Adam Sessler, Morgan Webb or X-play.
Yugi: Adam & Morgan are people just like you or me, who just happen to review games with a higher bar than most people. Sure, it's snarky, but that's their gimmick. And although we disagree with certain things they say, it is their opinion.
Goku: And remember, the writers are working for a network who has become out of touch with the proposed target audience. The jokes you see in X Play are a reflection of what the writers are told to do in an effort to entertain YOU.
Edward: Ultimately, it is up to YOU, the viewer, to decide what games you want to play and what type of entertainment you want. Instead of complaining all the time about how much X Play sucks, look for something else to hold you over, take up a hobby, try martial arts, something. The time spent there is more useful than bitching about how much you hate this shop.
Yugi: And if you are gonna say that Adam & Morgan don't play the games, provide proof. Who are you, a bunch of Joe McCarthies in training?
Goku: Well, good night and good luck.